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Thread: My boyfriend is a manchild?

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend is a manchild?

    Hello,
    This is my situation and I'm not sure what to do:
    I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend abroad in his country while I was travelling. We were long distance for a while and then I lived there with him for about 6 months. After that I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.
    However I have a masters degree and will start a well paying job soon, and he has no degrees, no real job experience (just small jobs here and there, and he also worked with family members). He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country. He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man. This job is super flexible and he can choose his own hours, but he still manages to be late. The rest of the time he plays video games. He takes little to no initiatives around the house, but at least when I ask him to help cleaning up he does. But he always takes time to do it, like when he has to do the dishes he will kepp playing video-games for 2 or 3 hours before doing them. He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities but that's OK, Im fine with him saving some money but I noticed that he actually doesn't. Like right when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes. When we get groceries we always pay 50/50 but sometimes I am like to get myself some extra treats like chocolate or cookies for myself and he will always eat half of those, but he never buys stuff for him where I just take half. Well those are just details.
    I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life.

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    I want to add that I don't have any problems with the fact that he has no degree, everyone is free to choose to go to college or not, but in his case he actually went to college, spend all his time partying and doing drugs, and then dropped out after like 4 years? And he didn't try to learn a manual job and get good at it, he just went to work in his father's company and had very very little pressure.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like a parasite who is using you as room and board and a free ride into your country. The more puzzling questions are why did you drag him back home with you and why are you putting up with this? Why are you mommying him like this? Why be a doormat and then complain? Are there no viable men in our country who are better matches for you?
    Originally Posted by nagon
    I'm a 23 year old woman and I met my 29 year old boyfriend.
    I had to go back to my home country and he came with me with the plan of staying and living in my country.

    He is quite lazy, he hasn't even started to learn the language of my country.
    He doesn't have a work permit so now he is working as a bike delivery man.
    he plays video games.
    He takes little to no initiatives around the house
    He doesn't make a lot of money so we can't do so many activities
    when he gets paid he will spend all of it in take out food, a joystick, clothes.

  4. #4
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    Harsh tone but ok.
    Well I am not paying anything for him, we pay everything 50/50. But yeah I feel like I am mommying him and pushing him to act like an adult but it doesn't really work. In the country where he is from, a lot of men are like that, and sometimes worse. His family are proud of him and idolise him because he is charismatic and funny. They don't think he is in an anormal situation for his age (no career, no savings, etc.) I am putting up with this because he has been of emotional support for me on a regular basis, because I've had a very lonely life and no one to trust. Also I have low self confidence and don't think a lot of "better" men would like me.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nagon
    Harsh tone but ok.
    Well I am not paying anything for him, we pay everything 50/50. But yeah I feel like I am mommying him and pushing him to act like an adult but it doesn't really work. In the country where he is from, a lot of men are like that, and sometimes worse. His family are proud of him and idolise him because he is charismatic and funny. They don't think he is in an anormal situation for his age (no career, no savings, etc.) I am putting up with this because he has been of emotional support for me on a regular basis, because I've had a very lonely life and no one to trust. Also I have low self confidence and don't think a lot of "better" men would like me.
    So what is it you are looking for? You're complaining about him but in the same breath you give a dozen reasons why you stay with him. What exactly do you want?

    As to your question, yes, he is a manchild and a mooch. That's on him. You complaining about him yet stay with him, well, that's on YOU. Don't like it? End it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Relationships dynamics of mommy-child are relationship killers for both ends. Did he live with parents before living with you? I think you two should reconsider at least your living together situation because he's clearly not ready to live with someone and be independent, and I don't think you can do nothing about it. It'd have been better if he had moved there with already some knowledge of the language and actual plans.

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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    So what is it you are looking for? You're complaining about him but in the same breath you give a dozen reasons why you stay with him. What exactly do you want?

    As to your question, yes, he is a manchild and a mooch. That's on him. You complaining about him yet stay with him, well, that's on YOU. Don't like it? End it.
    Hm I think I was capable of asking myself these questions on my own. The point of this thread is to give details on my situation, the pros and cons, because obviously if there were only cons I would have left already. So the question is how can I make the decision. If your answer is going to be some insensitive "if you want to leave, leave; if you want to stay, stay" you can just leave the thread because its clearly not constructive nor helpful. I obviously have some issues in assessing my relationship and that's why I'm here.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nagon
    Hm I think I was capable of asking myself these questions on my own. The point of this thread is to give details on my situation, the pros and cons, because obviously if there were only cons I would have left already. So the question is how can I make the decision. If your answer is going to be some insensitive "if you want to leave, leave; if you want to stay, stay" you can just leave the thread because its clearly not constructive nor helpful. I obviously have some issues in assessing my relationship and that's why I'm here.
    I was trying to get an understanding and comparing the two posts - the one with complaints, and the one laying out the reasons why you stay on with him. It seemed like you made up your mind to stay with him and I can't get my head around WHY ... especially when just a few minutes before you seemed so unhappy and miserable with your situation. Trying to get understanding/perspective.

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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I was trying to get an understanding and comparing the two posts - the one with complaints, and the one laying out the reasons why you stay on with him. It seemed like you made up your mind to stay with him and I can't get my head around WHY ... especially when just a few minutes before you seemed so unhappy and miserable with your situation. Trying to get understanding/perspective.
    Sorry, I was feeling kind of frustrated.
    One of the reasons that makes it difficult for me to decide is that if we break up he will have to leave the country, probably ask his family for help with the plane ticket because we are very far from his home country. This is also a factor that made me more tolerant, him being so far away for the first time and needing time to adjust, but I think I'm just making him excuses now. I'm unhappy more and more frequently but a lot of times he also makes me happy. Due to moving countries all the time when I was a child and a teen, and having an emotionally distant family, I have trouble to build lasting trust relationships with people and I was happy to find him as I feel like I can tell him a lot of personal things that I don't usually tell anyone. But sometimes I'm just exhausted by this relationship

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nagon
    But sometimes I'm just exhausted by this relationship
    I think this is what you should be focusing on. Also, I think your answer lies in your first post. Please re-read and really absorb your own words very carefully:
    "I have ambitions for the future, and I don't want to have barriers because of his situation, but he doesn't do anything to better his situation, and he is used to having other people do the efforts for him. I don't want to have to push him all my life."

    ^ There's your answer. You two are incompatible for a start. He is going to hold you back on all your ambitions and dreams and you do NOT deserve that. You have every right to look forward to a great future, but as long as you live with this lazy mooch, you will never achieve anything. All that lies ahead of you right now is frustration, unhappiness and broken dreams/ambitions. Is this really what you visualise for your future?? If not, then you need to be strong enough and end it. I know it's not easy, but if you want to get somewhere in life, then staying with him is not the way.

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