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Thread: Am I a bad person?

  1. #1

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    Am I a bad person?

    I have been seeing a woman for 4 years. We started with amazing chemistry and still have it occasionally.

    I have been struggling for 3 years, much of our relationship, with a lack of physical connection. We can have good sex but itís way too infrequent for me (sometimes every 2-3 weeks). I would like it every few days but would settle for once a week. We have talked about it a lot, but I often get ďitís all about sexĒ or ďitís not all about youĒ. She hasnít initiated sex or given me a complement on my physical appearance in years. And I always focus on her and she has great orgasms but I have to ask for attention to me.

    She is post-menopausal, has had dozens of partners since she was divorced 15 years before we met and it seems sometimes she is just all used up. I can understand a decrease in desire but not the seemingly complete lack of interest in connecting with and pleasing her partner. She doesnít touch me and doesnít like to me touch her usually because it might lead to sex. Iím at my wits end. We have planned on spending the rest of our lives together but I canít spend the rest of my life feeling frustrated and empty. Iím a smart, good looking guy and am quite well off and would have plenty of options if I wanted them. On top of it all, she needed to retire early for reasons I wonít go into here and I have been fully supporting her.

    Ug. I seem to be really negative on her, but She is an amazing woman in many ways I wonít go into here, we have a lot in common, have common goals and sensibilities and thereís a lot of positive things and we still click sometimes. I just canít deal with the lack of physical affection and apparent lack of physical attraction anymore and am considering breaking up over this. Am I a bad person? Is insufficient physical affection a valid reason to break up in a relationship where there is otherwise love and connection? Iím almost 58 and I hear the clock ticking loudly.
    Last edited by Menow; 02-21-2019 at 01:45 AM.

  2. #2
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    Has she been to the doctor for her low sex drive?

  3. #3

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    Her position is sheís not 20 anymore and I need to accept it.

  4. #4

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    And that sheís never had any complaints before.

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  6. #5
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    I think that you have your answer. If you want a more sexually-active partner, then she is the wrong one. You are not compatible, and you will only become more resentful.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like relationship conflicts and resentments building up as well as lack of romance and taking things for granted. This is about a bad relationship and bad communication, not hormones.

    She is not suddenly going to change especially given her comment about you being selfish and self centered. That sounds more like contempt. Perhaps it's best you go your separate ways.
    Originally Posted by Menow
    I have been struggling for 3 years, much of our relationship, with a lack of physical connection.

    We have talked about it a lot, but I often get ďitís all about sexĒ or ďitís not all about youĒ.

    Iím a smart, good looking guy and am quite well off and would have plenty of options if I wanted them.

  8. #7
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    '..She is an amazing woman in many ways I wonít go into here, we have a lot in common, have common goals and sensibilities and thereís a lot of positive things and we still click sometimes'
    ____________________________

    Dude..sorry but, really? At 58, you're thinking of leaving a fantastic woman because you can't have sex with her more often than once every 2-3 weeks? 'Settle' for once a week? You sure you're not 18? Good luck finding a decent sane attractive woman of 58 with whom you'll have as much in common and who'll be interested in more sex than this after 4 years together! I'm not saying you're bad person. I'm just saying you sound like a teen..when you're not by a long shot.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Relationships are like a tripod - you need intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection for it to work and stand strong. If any one of these is missing, your relationship will collapse.

    What you are describing goes beyond just sex. She seems to have an overall toxic attitude toward men and that they only want sex and she, therefore, will resent and resist that. On the rare occasion that she is interested in sex, it would seem that she couldn't care less about pleasing you....and that's just not acceptable on any level and pretty callous of a partner. On top of that, you are lacking basic affection at large. So yes, the relationship is unfulfilling.

    Not going to tell you to stay or go. I will say this - if the only good thing you can say about her is that you have things in common, are your interests really so utterly unique that no other woman could match you? Probably not. Be sure that after 4 years you aren't sticking around purely out of habit and sense of responsibility since you are supporting her, rather than any true love and connection. Your relationship sounds rather loveless from the way you've described things. Take a big step back and take an honest look at what you have. Not what you used to have 4 years ago, what is your reality today.

  10. #9
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    I'd be delighted to do it every day and I'm in my 50s.

    And yes, I would have a serious discussion if the man I was in a relationship only wanted sex every 2-3 weeks and treated it like a chore instead of the wonderful experience sex is. Lack of sex is one of the reasons I'm not married to my husband anymore.

    If you haven't yet, have a discussion (not in bed or after a sexual rejection) with her about trying to reach a compromise. I think your connection is worth trying. If she refuses, then leaving the relationship is a valid option.

  11. #10
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    you need to allow room for the fact that maybe she's just not into sex. Not everybody is into sex. Especially post-menopausal. You can't force somebody not into sex into sex - that just isn't cool. And it is selfish and "all about you" at that point if all you can talk about is sex and talking about how you need it.

    Have you asked her once why she doesn't seem to be into sex as much?
    Have you asked her what would make her enjoy and desire more sex together (and if it's possible)?
    Have you gotten her side of the story yet?

    If not - then she's telling you straight to your face (and correct) that this is all about you and that you're being selfish. NO relatoinship is healthy or sustainable when either or both sides is being selfish and making it all about them.

    Lastly.. after finding out her side - you have a decision to make. If you are sexually incompatible is that a deal break for you? Is the sex that improtant to you that it's enough to leave her? If you were to isntead find a completely sexual creature but had nothing else you wanted - would that be a better relationship for you and would you be happier with that? These are all the questions you must prepare to answer after you find out her story.

    EX. For me. The bedroom IS important and I have come to accept that I need a highly sexually energetic person who desires and enjoys sex and enjoys giving and exploring in the bedroom. it took me a long time to admit and accept that but i do now. and so it is a must in my relationships. the bonus is - once you are able to accept and acknowledge that and thus it becomes part of your search - the search is more productive and who comes along ends up being more conducive to that in a strange twist of fate. The bedroom for me has been fantastic since.

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