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Thread: What do I do with my mil

  1. #1

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    Feb 2019
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    What do I do with my mil

    Hi everyone I just need an extra pair of eyes to help me see things through.
    I have been married with my husband for 4 years and we had 2 beautiful babies. My mother in law was always acts nice to me until my daughter was born 4 year ago. With the understanding that she was excited to be grandma I did forgive her disrespectful behaviors such as: come unannounced , wake me up while I was sleeping with my new born. Woke up baby on purpose to visit her. Text husband everyday to ask him get her coffee chips pop ect. And send my husband message make comment about my mom(my side family is Asian and his side is Caucasian ) behind my back, saying my mom is weird ect .. the list can goes on and on but with newly married I just kind of let it go.
    The major issue I have with her is after my son was born 4 month ago. So this time both my parents came from Asian to visit us and help out after baby is born. MIL was fine before baby was born but became extremely pushy for visits afterwards, she made plans with me on Sunday and then would text husband on Sat night say she is on the way and ask husband to come after her work at 1030pm. I did refused to let her come visit at night because it was too late and also my parents came to visit so they live with us for short period of time it would cause inconvenience for them too.
    So one day my 3 year old daughter came out of nowhere told me my mil said Asian stinks. I instantly ask her to stop saying that and explained to her it is rude. And if course I can't believe it so I asked my daughter again and again but got the same answer that mil said that. I was mad and sad so I decided to let me daughter have supervised visit since then.
    I have the feeling that mil just doenst want my kids to have close relationship with my parents so she probably did say something bcz after that every time my daughter get close to my parents she would cover her nose. I think it really hurt my parents feeling and I was of course sad bcz she doesn't know that she is half Asian too.
    Other things mil does are changing her minds whenever she likes too like she said she would do thanksgiving dinner then I will hold Christmas ,one day before thanksgiving she would tell me she can t do it. She agreed to take my daughter to gymnastics and at the last minute she tell me she can't do it bcz she is sick. Things like this happens all the time!
    When I used to have her on my fb she would message me 2-3 times a day everyday ask me how the kids and she is the one announce my son's birth on social media that she think there's no problem.
    Recently she tried to reply me on fb and put all the dirty laundry on fb try to embrass me i guess but I just delete it and blocked her.
    At this point i don't know if I should still let my kids see her. I mean she is the grandma and love my kids i know that but should I let her keep disrespecting me in the meanwhile seeing my kids no issue? How do I trust her not teach my children bad stuff when racist is already showing.
    I am in the process of making some boundaries up with my husband but mil is highly defensive and we all worry that she would not take the boundaries really well.
    Any suggestions would be helpful! Thank you

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    my mil said Asian stinks.
    Should you let her see your kids? No, absolutely not!!!! She is a racist, she is teaching your children that they own heritage is bad. When they are old enough to understand, they will have lowered self esteem due to what grandma told them about themselves.
    She is damaging them with this racist attitude.

    You are their mother. It's your job to protect them from people like this. I don't care if it's the grandma, she is a nasty, horrible human being for the way she talks to your children and the things she is teaching them.
    It really angers me!!

    She has no right! Blood or not, if this is the attitude she has, then she can shove off. And if I were you, I'd have zero regrets.
    I mean that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I hope your husband stands up to her and tells her what a racist she is and that she no longer has the privilege to see her grandkids due to her sick remarks.

    Or at the very least, stands behind your decision to not allow her access any longer.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Should you let her see your kids? No, absolutely not!!!! She is a racist, she is teaching your children that they own heritage is bad. When they are old enough to understand, they will have lowered self esteem due to what grandma told them about themselves.
    She is damaging them with this racist attitude.

    You are their mother. It's your job to protect them from people like this. I don't care if it's the grandma, she is a nasty, horrible human being for the way she talks to your children and the things she is teaching them.
    It really angers me!!

    She has no right! Blood or not, if this is the attitude she has, then she can shove off. And if I were you, I'd have zero regrets.
    I mean that.
    I totally agree!

    What has your husband been doing about all of this?

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  6. #5
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    You need to realize that you donít have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. This is his family, he should be handling them, not you. And he should be clearly stTing that her behavior is completely unacceptable, that he has chosen you and if she doesnít knock it off, she will see none of you. And then he needs to follow through. The fact that this has not happened in four years makes me think he doesnít understand lotLty and putting his family first.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You need to realize that you donít have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. This is his family, he should be handling them, not you. And he should be clearly stTing that her behavior is completely unacceptable, that he has chosen you and if she doesnít knock it off, she will see none of you. And then he needs to follow through. The fact that this has not happened in four years makes me think he doesnít understand lotLty and putting his family first.
    Absolutely!! 100%

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Talk to your husband about better boundaries. Make sure she calls before visiting. If you are sleeping/busy simply do not answer the door. make sure you lock your doors and she does not have a key.

    Set better boundaries yourself. Learn to diplomatically say 'no' to visits "I'm very busy with the kids right now, whatever", etc. Ignore her nasty remarks.

    If you are visiting her simply say "well it's time to go" if she is nasty. If she is visiting too long or is rude simply say "well I need to do ....now". Do not ask them to visit or babysit as much. Distance yourself to establish better boundaries and respect.
    Originally Posted by Redpea
    Text husband everyday to ask him get her coffee chips pop ect.

  9. #8

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    Thank you. She denies that she said that to my daughter when my husband asked her and she then text me say I am lying about it. Well I recorded a video of my daughter saying it because I can't believe it at first.
    My husband is so afraid to offend his mom because as soon as he says something to her then mil would throw tantrum like child and do the guilt trip thing.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by arjumand
    You need to realize that you donít have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. This is his family, he should be handling them, not you. And he should be clearly stTing that her behavior is completely unacceptable, that he has chosen you and if she doesnít knock it off, she will see none of you. And then he needs to follow through. The fact that this has not happened in four years makes me think he doesnít understand lotLty and putting his family first.
    Yes I do realize that it is his problem. But he was raised up by mil and mil is always right and my husband is so afraid to offend her. We are going through counselling but I don't think my husband stand up for me and put his mom in place because he is afraid to do so otherwise mil would throw tantrum like a child and do guilt trip to make him feel bad..

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Talk to your husband about better boundaries. Make sure she calls before visiting. If you are sleeping/busy simply do not answer the door. make sure you lock your doors and she does not have a key.

    Set better boundaries yourself. Learn to diplomatically say 'no' to visits "I'm very busy with the kids right now, whatever", etc. Ignore her nasty remarks.

    If you are visiting her simply say "well it's time to go" if she is nasty. If she is visiting too long or is rude simply say "well I need to do ....now". Do not ask them to visit or babysit as much. Distance yourself to establish better boundaries and respect.
    Right now I told husband that mil is having another 3 month time out.
    We were in the process of building boundaries after I found out she make racist comment. I dropped all the contact with her but I guess she just can't understand the fact that I was healing so last couple days she's been trying to replying me on fb with rude comment and airlift the dirty laundry there to make me look bad. I already blocked her and I don't normally care what people think about me anyways. Its just the fact that she doesn't respect me and think I am keeping my kids away from her so she plays the victim role and always say I hurt her so bad and she was never that hurt in her life....

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