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What do I do with my mil


Redpea

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Hi everyone I just need an extra pair of eyes to help me see things through.

I have been married with my husband for 4 years and we had 2 beautiful babies. My mother in law was always acts nice to me until my daughter was born 4 year ago. With the understanding that she was excited to be grandma I did forgive her disrespectful behaviors such as: come unannounced , wake me up while I was sleeping with my new born. Woke up baby on purpose to visit her. Text husband everyday to ask him get her coffee chips pop ect. And send my husband message make comment about my mom(my side family is Asian and his side is Caucasian ) behind my back, saying my mom is weird ect .. the list can goes on and on but with newly married I just kind of let it go.

The major issue I have with her is after my son was born 4 month ago. So this time both my parents came from Asian to visit us and help out after baby is born. MIL was fine before baby was born but became extremely pushy for visits afterwards, she made plans with me on Sunday and then would text husband on Sat night say she is on the way and ask husband to come after her work at 1030pm. I did refused to let her come visit at night because it was too late and also my parents came to visit so they live with us for short period of time it would cause inconvenience for them too.

So one day my 3 year old daughter came out of nowhere told me my mil said Asian stinks. I instantly ask her to stop saying that and explained to her it is rude. And if course I can't believe it so I asked my daughter again and again but got the same answer that mil said that. I was mad and sad so I decided to let me daughter have supervised visit since then.

I have the feeling that mil just doenst want my kids to have close relationship with my parents so she probably did say something bcz after that every time my daughter get close to my parents she would cover her nose. I think it really hurt my parents feeling and I was of course sad bcz she doesn't know that she is half Asian too.

Other things mil does are changing her minds whenever she likes too like she said she would do thanksgiving dinner then I will hold Christmas ,one day before thanksgiving she would tell me she can t do it. She agreed to take my daughter to gymnastics and at the last minute she tell me she can't do it bcz she is sick. Things like this happens all the time!

When I used to have her on my fb she would message me 2-3 times a day everyday ask me how the kids and she is the one announce my son's birth on social media that she think there's no problem.

Recently she tried to reply me on fb and put all the dirty laundry on fb try to embrass me i guess but I just delete it and blocked her.

At this point i don't know if I should still let my kids see her. I mean she is the grandma and love my kids i know that but should I let her keep disrespecting me in the meanwhile seeing my kids no issue? How do I trust her not teach my children bad stuff when racist is already showing.

I am in the process of making some boundaries up with my husband but mil is highly defensive and we all worry that she would not take the boundaries really well.

Any suggestions would be helpful! Thank you

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my mil said Asian stinks.

 

Should you let her see your kids? No, absolutely not!!!! She is a racist, she is teaching your children that they own heritage is bad. When they are old enough to understand, they will have lowered self esteem due to what grandma told them about themselves.

She is damaging them with this racist attitude.

 

You are their mother. It's your job to protect them from people like this. I don't care if it's the grandma, she is a nasty, horrible human being for the way she talks to your children and the things she is teaching them.

It really angers me!!

 

She has no right! Blood or not, if this is the attitude she has, then she can shove off. And if I were you, I'd have zero regrets.

I mean that.

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Should you let her see your kids? No, absolutely not!!!! She is a racist, she is teaching your children that they own heritage is bad. When they are old enough to understand, they will have lowered self esteem due to what grandma told them about themselves.

She is damaging them with this racist attitude.

 

You are their mother. It's your job to protect them from people like this. I don't care if it's the grandma, she is a nasty, horrible human being for the way she talks to your children and the things she is teaching them.

It really angers me!!

 

She has no right! Blood or not, if this is the attitude she has, then she can shove off. And if I were you, I'd have zero regrets.

I mean that.

 

I totally agree!

 

What has your husband been doing about all of this?

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You need to realize that you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. This is his family, he should be handling them, not you. And he should be clearly stTing that her behavior is completely unacceptable, that he has chosen you and if she doesn’t knock it off, she will see none of you. And then he needs to follow through. The fact that this has not happened in four years makes me think he doesn’t understand lotLty and putting his family first.

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You need to realize that you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. This is his family, he should be handling them, not you. And he should be clearly stTing that her behavior is completely unacceptable, that he has chosen you and if she doesn’t knock it off, she will see none of you. And then he needs to follow through. The fact that this has not happened in four years makes me think he doesn’t understand lotLty and putting his family first.

 

Absolutely!! 100%

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Talk to your husband about better boundaries. Make sure she calls before visiting. If you are sleeping/busy simply do not answer the door. make sure you lock your doors and she does not have a key.

 

Set better boundaries yourself. Learn to diplomatically say 'no' to visits "I'm very busy with the kids right now, whatever", etc. Ignore her nasty remarks.

 

If you are visiting her simply say "well it's time to go" if she is nasty. If she is visiting too long or is rude simply say "well I need to do ....now". Do not ask them to visit or babysit as much. Distance yourself to establish better boundaries and respect.

Text husband everyday to ask him get her coffee chips pop ect.
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Thank you. She denies that she said that to my daughter when my husband asked her and she then text me say I am lying about it. Well I recorded a video of my daughter saying it because I can't believe it at first.

My husband is so afraid to offend his mom because as soon as he says something to her then mil would throw tantrum like child and do the guilt trip thing.

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You need to realize that you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. This is his family, he should be handling them, not you. And he should be clearly stTing that her behavior is completely unacceptable, that he has chosen you and if she doesn’t knock it off, she will see none of you. And then he needs to follow through. The fact that this has not happened in four years makes me think he doesn’t understand lotLty and putting his family first.

 

Yes I do realize that it is his problem. But he was raised up by mil and mil is always right and my husband is so afraid to offend her. We are going through counselling but I don't think my husband stand up for me and put his mom in place because he is afraid to do so otherwise mil would throw tantrum like a child and do guilt trip to make him feel bad..

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Talk to your husband about better boundaries. Make sure she calls before visiting. If you are sleeping/busy simply do not answer the door. make sure you lock your doors and she does not have a key.

 

Set better boundaries yourself. Learn to diplomatically say 'no' to visits "I'm very busy with the kids right now, whatever", etc. Ignore her nasty remarks.

 

If you are visiting her simply say "well it's time to go" if she is nasty. If she is visiting too long or is rude simply say "well I need to do ....now". Do not ask them to visit or babysit as much. Distance yourself to establish better boundaries and respect.

 

Right now I told husband that mil is having another 3 month time out.

We were in the process of building boundaries after I found out she make racist comment. I dropped all the contact with her but I guess she just can't understand the fact that I was healing so last couple days she's been trying to replying me on fb with rude comment and airlift the dirty laundry there to make me look bad. I already blocked her and I don't normally care what people think about me anyways. Its just the fact that she doesn't respect me and think I am keeping my kids away from her so she plays the victim role and always say I hurt her so bad and she was never that hurt in her life....

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Change All your social media setting to private. Block and delete her and anyone who harasses you from All social media. At this point stop getting into it with her, Focus on your kids, your marriage and your own family and friends. Simply be polite to her if/when you have to see her..Stop fueling the hate and arguments with your behavior by depriving your kids of a grandparent. It's not working and it's very nasty to use your kids as pawns in your war. You need to stop.

she's been trying to replying me on fb with rude comment. Its just the fact that she doesn't respect me and think I am keeping my kids away from her so she plays the victim role and always say I hurt her so bad and she was never that hurt in her life....
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3 year olds say the craziest things, or things out of context all the time.

 

Your MIL sounds pushy and flakey and childish, but I don't see her as a threat.

 

This sums up my MIL,, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=450282 - I haven't communicated with her in 8 years now, and she has not met my two kids. I'm Asian too btw with a white hubs, but it that's not the point - any relative can push boundaries no matter what race.

 

Just have hubs tell her no visits after whatever time. And don't be friends with her on social media. If she texts or emails, keep them for evidence if you do see her as becoming a problem, but don't reply, and say you don't check them. Always try to get her to communicate through your husband instead.

 

And don't let her babysit anymore. You need to find a good one, daycare, swap nights with friends.

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Change All your social media setting to private. Block and delete her and anyone who harasses you from All social media. At this point stop getting into it with her, Focus on your kids, your marriage and your own family and friends. Simply be polite to her if/when you have to see her..Stop fueling the hate and arguments with your behavior by depriving your kids of a grandparent. It's not working and it's very nasty to use your kids as pawns in your war. You need to stop.

 

Do you suggest kids still have regular visit?

the kids has been visiting her every week just with my husband, it's only me withdrawing from her and her bf (her bf has been sending me nasty message too and saying I am unfit mom ect). It used to be sleepover but now it is changed to supervised visit because I don't know what was being said and if it is emotional healthy for my kids.

I did talk to my husband about mil needs 3 month time out with me and the kids because the part of complain she made online was that I keep kids from her , she only had handful times of visit with my son since he was born and it's not enough. I mean we have a busy life here with 3 year old doing early kearning origram everyday plus skating gymnastic library... hubby working full time and the little baby on hands , the only time we get to spend as a little family is on weekend and she demands every week visit or whenever she is off from work to see the kids is unrealistic.we can't meet her needs and wants every time.

I do ask my 3 year old if she enjoyed the visit and if she wants to visit on a regular basis and she say yes, I respect my kids choice.

Is my 3 month time out with me and the kids reasonable?

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3 year olds say the craziest things, or things out of context all the time.

 

Your MIL sounds pushy and flakey and childish, but I don't see her as a threat.

 

This sums up my MIL,, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=450282 - I haven't communicated with her in 8 years now, and she has not met my two kids. I'm Asian too btw with a white hubs, but it that's not the point - any relative can push boundaries no matter what race.

 

Just have hubs tell her no visits after whatever time. And don't be friends with her on social media. If she texts or emails, keep them for evidence if you do see her as becoming a problem, but don't reply, and say you don't check them. Always try to get her to communicate through your husband instead.

 

And don't let her babysit anymore. You need to find a good one, daycare, swap nights with friends.

 

Yes. That's what I am doing now. The thing ticks me is that she see the kids every week and still complain I keep the kids away from her. I want some peace and quiet in my life so I told her to not contact me but contact hubby in regards to kids and visit. She gets what she wants but still wants more and sorry I can't do it.

And if I have to block her everywhere to stop her belittle me in public i don't know what she would teach my kids.

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3 year olds say the craziest things, or things out of context all the time.

 

Your MIL sounds pushy and flakey and childish, but I don't see her as a threat.

 

This sums up my MIL,, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=450282 - I haven't communicated with her in 8 years now, and she has not met my two kids. I'm Asian too btw with a white hubs, but it that's not the point - any relative can push boundaries no matter what race.

 

Just have hubs tell her no visits after whatever time. And don't be friends with her on social media. If she texts or emails, keep them for evidence if you do see her as becoming a problem, but don't reply, and say you don't check them. Always try to get her to communicate through your husband instead.

 

And don't let her babysit anymore. You need to find a good one, daycare, swap nights with friends.

Omg I just read it and how similar it is !!! My mil haven't gone that far but threatens to come to my door yell at me and i told her if she wants to do it fine I will call cops and a restraint order will be put on. She never contact me directly now but to find any chance she could to make me notice her. I d to never reply whatever she sent me then she became moody , the first text she would apologize but blame me on whatever happened , she didn't see my response then she started to send multiple text blame me and when she still heard nothinh frrom me now she goes to public and get my attention.

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Your kid, your rules. You decide what is good for your children, not the other way around. The kid is 3. They have zero idea or perspective on what a harmful or toxic situation is. You as the adult dictates what is appropriate. Not your toddler. Not your In-Laws. You and hubby do.

 

Don't respond to her texts anymore. Have them divert to your husband. Responding only enables her crap behavior.

 

My kids have 4 grandmas. My mom. My husband's step mom (sort of); his mom lied about about who the dad was for 27 years. My hubby's dad who raised him's wife. And my Crazy MIL who's never met the kids. And two of them live out of state, and my mom sees my kids maybe once every two months or so. And that's plenty. Just because you MIL is obsessed with seeing your kids doesn't mean you say yes. And if she belittles you in front on them, imagine what she says when you are not around. I would have hubs tell her you and the kids are taking a break.

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Change All your social media setting to private. Block and delete her and anyone who harasses you from All social media. At this point stop getting into it with her, Focus on your kids, your marriage and your own family and friends. Simply be polite to her if/when you have to see her..Stop fueling the hate and arguments with your behavior by depriving your kids of a grandparent. It's not working and it's very nasty to use your kids as pawns in your war. You need to stop.

 

And I am being extremely cautious to not use my kids as pawns. That why I am here. I understand that I can not change the way she is and it broke my heart to see that my kids feel the struggle between me and mil. And kids are smart they know it pretty well we adult just don't realize it. I try never to talk about adult stuff in front of her and encourage her to creat positive experience with her grandparents. All I need is her to stop being disrespectful to me and respect boundaries but I can't see her doing it.

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Does it not bother you at all to know that she is teaching your children that as Asians they stink and they're grandparents stink, etc?

 

What kind of effect do you think that is going to be when your kids grow up and realize what their own grandma actually thinks of Asians.

 

How do you feel knowing she sees you as less than due to you being Asian?

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Your kid, your rules. You decide what is good for your children, not the other way around. The kid is 3. They have zero idea or perspective on what a harmful or toxic situation is. You as the adult dictates what is appropriate. Not your toddler. Not your In-Laws. You and hubby do.

 

Don't respond to her texts anymore. Have them divert to your husband. Responding only enables her crap behavior.

 

My kids have 4 grandmas. My mom. My husband's step mom (sort of); his mom lied about about who the dad was for 27 years. My hubby's dad who raised him's wife. And my Crazy MIL who's never met the kids. And two of them live out of state, and my mom sees my kids maybe once every two months or so. And that's plenty. Just because you MIL is obsessed with seeing your kids doesn't mean you say yes. And if she belittles you in front on them, imagine what she says when you are not around. I would have hubs tell her you and the kids are taking a break.

 

That's exactly what i tried to do. She seems the kids every week but she complain it's not enough and i don't know what more she expect. So I told hubby me and kids are having 3 month break until she realize that nothing is entitled and we will see if she can appreciate that we still take kids to visit.

But i don't know if she would learn from this or only make things worse.

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Thank you. She denies that she said that to my daughter when my husband asked her and she then text me say I am lying about it. Well I recorded a video of my daughter saying it because I can't believe it at first.

My husband is so afraid to offend his mom because as soon as he says something to her then mil would throw tantrum like child and do the guilt trip thing.

 

a 3 year old would never, ever say something like that unless they heard it from someone and are repeating it.

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a 3 year old would never, ever say something like that unless they heard it from someone and are repeating it

 

I agree. 3 years olds are very honest, too honest, they don't have a filter. It's the grandma who has reason to lie.

 

But a 3 year old wouldn't say things like Asians stink, unless they heard it from someone.

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My eldest was asking me why this person was saying "Salami" over and over in a song. Turns out it was "Zombie" by the Cranberries. Kids say stuff ALL the time. She could have said Asians. Then in another sentence said, "stinks".

 

To see if she really is a racist, think of times when you asks you dumb questions, or is confused when aren't behaving in a traditional asian manner. Or accuses you of not behaving in a particular way. Other than that, she's got issues, but I don't see how her saying, "Asians stink" is beneficial when having two grandkids who are half Asian.

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