That's exactly what i tried to do. She seems the kids every week but she complain it's not enough and i don't know what more she expect. So I told hubby me and kids are having 3 month break until she realize that nothing is entitled and we will see if she can appreciate that we still take kids to visit.Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
But i don't know if she would learn from this or only make things worse.
Therapist is correct. Your MIL is causing damage, you need to protect yourself and your family from that.Therapist suggest to cut mil out
a 3 year old would never, ever say something like that unless they heard it from someone and are repeating it.Originally Posted by Redpea
I agree. 3 years olds are very honest, too honest, they don't have a filter. It's the grandma who has reason to lie.a 3 year old would never, ever say something like that unless they heard it from someone and are repeating it
But a 3 year old wouldn't say things like Asians stink, unless they heard it from someone.
My eldest was asking me why this person was saying "Salami" over and over in a song. Turns out it was "Zombie" by the Cranberries. Kids say stuff ALL the time. She could have said Asians. Then in another sentence said, "stinks".
To see if she really is a racist, think of times when you asks you dumb questions, or is confused when aren't behaving in a traditional asian manner. Or accuses you of not behaving in a particular way. Other than that, she's got issues, but I don't see how her saying, "Asians stink" is beneficial when having two grandkids who are half Asian.
In a perfect world the son takes a stand to defend his family and firmly checks his own mother.
But that doesn't always happen.
They often take baby steps and make gentle innuendos and hope that neither women in his life become upset with him.
I had a difficult MIL and though our issues were different, I too waiting the first 3 years for my then husband to stand next to me and defend me. I was constantly disappointed.
It happened by accident but my MIL dropped by unexpected and wanted to scold me for leaving a family function the day before without telling anyone. Something was said, it got back to me and I took our then 3 month old son and left. I had enough.
She was self righteous and I received a verbal spanking and was warned that if I `listened to here-say and gossip I would never make it in this family'.
I really didn't have much of spine back then but I listened to her quietly and then asked her if she was done. From there I was firm and respectful, told her of the facts and my personal experiences. She basically left with her tail between her legs. I don't think she saw that coming. To be fair, neither did I.
We still all got together as a family, but she avoided me for about 2 years. Somewhere along the way she started to come around and the last dozen years of my marriage I can honestly say she liked me. Most importantly, she respected me.
I don't believe that would have ever happened had I not spoken up, defending myself and instead waited for her son to do it.
I dunno..putting the two together in the same sentence and the daughter even holding her nose, is a pretty big coincidence.
I would say that's not accidental and grandma has said it more than once.
Grandma was also telling the husband that the other grandma was weird, etc. It's not difficult to see that she has a problem.
On top of that, the 3 year old would identify that "mommy is Japanese/Chinese/Korean/Cambodian etc - whatever actual ethnicity Mom is., vs 'asian'"Originally Posted by SherrySher
I agree that mother in law is not the problem - husband is. I think instead of totally blocking mil, i would take control. Actually invite mother in law to meet you somewhere -- the children's playground, a kids play time at the library or a restaurant. Anything that has a set end time. If she tries to come over before the event say that you are busy and you are looking forward to seeing her at what you planned. The children are not allowed to be alone with her or go to her house for the time being. Both you and your husband go with your child and meet mother in law wherever you decide to meet. That way there is nothing said that your husband cannot hear.
I had TERRIBLE in-laws with my ex husband. The solution was to meet them somewhere away from out respective homes and also invite this cousin or aunt who was liked by all -- they were all on their best behavior because the cousin or aunt was there, too. And then we all went home. It was not long enough of a visit for anyone to start behaving badly and then they could not say i was refusing to see them, either.
If mother in law changes or husband starts getting a back bone, you can change things.
What happened to me is that my ex had no backbone. He would yell at them sometimes but always caved in because he wanted them to stop complaining or acting up. If you forbid her from seeing the kids, and your husband does not -- mother in law will try to cause a rift between you and husband. Because if you just say "you have a three month break from seeing the kids" - husband will say something different when he talks to his mom - blaming you for being unreasonable and would not be united with you
Great suggestions abitbroken.
I can understand how not allowing grandma near the children or to see her son, would be a real problem. Allowing her to see them out in a restaurant or park, etc still let's her see them but with no chance of her behaving badly.
Most people behave themselves much more with others around.
I too agree that husband needs to step up. He needs to set his mother straight and tell her that she stops her antics and terrible behaviors or she can stay away..and mean it!!
He has allowed her to go too far already.
Yes my problem is that husband doesn't have a back bone. Even tho therapist offer him solid advise I don't think he follow through.Originally Posted by abitbroken
Reply With Quote
