What’s the most non-awkward way to begin a friendship socially?

I can’t even believe I’m asking this because I have made many friends in my 40 years but they have pretty much all been organic. I live in a very hustle bustle area where unless you are a really social person and I’m not (even though I’m an extrovert, I’m kind of socially introverted), it’s hard to make friends. Everyone is so damn busy. One of my colleagues lives in my town and she mentioned we ought to get together so I invited her to listen to live music at one of our local coffee shops. She canceled as I was on my way to meet her and that was that. Never has happened again. I have recently made a new potential friend. We exchanged numbers and talked about hanging out sometime but again, I think neither of us really know how to initiate the “hanging out” thing. We don’t even really text. I have initiated two quick text convos and she doesn’t keep the conversation going. Then when I see her in person at the gym, we laugh and have good and super easy conversations. Part of me wants to see if she wants to go do something really easy to break the ice but I’m not sure what that would be... get coffee maybe after a class? Or just do nothing for now? I don’t know. I’m clearly not great at this kind of thing or I would have a mountain of friends. And I don’t need or want that. But a few really good new friends would be great!

Any ideas are welcomed? For example, dinner would be awkward because we don’t know each other that well. I need less awkward ideas. Thank you!

Just ask the potential friend to do something related to what you already do. if you see the potential friend at the gym, tell her you are looking for someone to do the pilates class with. Don't go from gym to girl's night. Ask her to a group thing "hey we started this running group on X night if you are game. we usually do 3 miles and then get ice cream" that is outside of the gym

I do think you have an extra obstacle in that you are lesbian - women could be uncomfortable that you think your interest is romantic/they don't want to give you the wrong idea. Perhaps?

Just ask the potential friend to do something related to what you already do. if you see the potential friend at the gym, tell her you are looking for someone to do the pilates class with. Don't go from gym to girl's night. Ask her to a group thing "hey we started this running group on X night if you are game. we usually do 3 miles and then get ice cream" that is outside of the gym

 

I do think you have an extra obstacle in that you are lesbian - women could be uncomfortable that you think your interest is romantic/they don't want to give you the wrong idea. Perhaps?

Yes!!! I am very aware of this. I do think that if someone knows I’m a lesbian but they don’t know me that well, I am very careful to have a lot of boundaries and not be overly eager. Kinda cool of you to even think of it!

She did ask me to do a class at the gym this evening but I hadn’t heard from her and I was kind of needing a break from exercise and so I texted her and told her that I would love to join her but I needed a rest day. I will be doing her class on Friday and then we do a class together on Sunday and she teaches again on Monday. It just seems like that is what we do. We take classes together or I take her class but I was wondering what the next logical step would be. I don’t think she really knows either. I mean, we are both pretty much off this week and neither of us suggested getting together. I’m not in a hurry but I haven’t been able to find a non-awkward way to propose something really simple and easy to do (other than taking classes). Thanks, Abitbroken!

I think you're on the right track with suggesting something like coffee or live music. Also, maybe you could try to see what other activities she enjoys. Maybe if she isn't that talkative through text you can ask her casually when you bump into her at the gym again then you'll have a better idea if she's interested in hanging out especially if you suggest something a little more specific. It's hard through text/phones to gather how someone truly feels and sometimes challenging to continue conversations that way when you don't know them well enough so narrowing down a plan for coffee sounds good.

If you have other coworkers you get along with that you'd like to hang out with after work you could try that as well. Maybe even grabbing a quick bite to eat would be something doable.

Also, do not be discouraged just because one person flakes out. People get flakey or busy or tired and change their minds but don't take it personally unless you notice a pattern with multiple different people.

I think you're on the right track with suggesting something like coffee or live music. Also, maybe you could try to see what other activities she enjoys. Maybe if she isn't that talkative through text you can ask her casually when you bump into her at the gym again then you'll have a better idea if she's interested in hanging out especially if you suggest something a little more specific. It's hard through text/phones to gather how someone truly feels and sometimes challenging to continue conversations that way when you don't know them well enough so narrowing down a plan for coffee sounds good.

 

If you have other coworkers you get along with that you'd like to hang out with after work you could try that as well. Maybe even grabbing a quick bite to eat would be something doable.

 

Also, do not be discouraged just because one person flakes out. People get flakey or busy or tired and change their minds but don't take it personally unless you notice a pattern with multiple different people.

Thank you, lovetrap! Yes, it’s way easier to talk in person. I was thinking of something really easy like coffee RIGHT after we just did a class because that is when we typically talk and catch up anyway. She’s an introvert and so I gather she isn’t going to be asking me to do anything first. I think we have the potential to be actual friends which I don’t always feel when I meet people and so I want to get to know her better but in a non-weird way. The live music could be a good idea to try again! Thank you!

I met a woman at the gym and we talked extensively about business topics. I followed up and suggested something and she replied with detail about fiance, wedding, dog as if she couldn't run fast enough. i think she even quit the gym; at least, I never did see her after that. I guess she thought I was hitting on her and I hadn't protected her from that assumption. (I wasn't; I'm not even a lesbian).

Your thread is a helpful one. Friendships require time, incremental progress, like dating. does.

I met a woman at the gym and we talked extensively about business topics. I followed up and suggested something and she replied with detail about fiance, wedding, dog as if she couldn't run fast enough. i think she even quit the gym; at least, I never did see her after that. I guess she thought I was hitting on her and I hadn't protected her from that assumption. (I wasn't; I'm not even a lesbian).

 

Your thread is a helpful one. Friendships require time, incremental progress, like dating. does.

IamFCA, WOW! Thank you for this!! I’m sorry about your friend! That is really too bad (for her because I’m sure you’re awesome)!! When I first met this woman, she mentioned her husband in that way and then after we chatted a few more times and she was more comfortable, she said that she and her husband are separated but best friends and so I still refer to him as her hubby (because he is) and I will ask about him, etc. because I think it’s important to have that boundary. You know, I don’t actually think I have felt the need to do that much in my life and maybe it’s because a lot of my closest friends have also been gay but I am becoming increasingly aware of it. This woman doesn’t at all think that I am hitting on her I don’t think which is great. It really IS like dating, friendships. I think perhaps I will just wait and have more chats with her where it’s easy and comfortable and then perhaps, as you said, a natural and incremental progression will happen over time. It’s still very very recent that we started chatting. Thank you for such a helpful comment!!!

If you find yourself in convo with the exercise friend, ask her if she wants to join you for a cool down walk around the parking lot. Side-by-side walking tends to open people up because it's less eye contact and equality in stride.

Then you can banter about general stuff and learn one another's hobbies, interests, work life, etc. without standing on point holding gym bags.

If you find yourself in convo with the exercise friend, ask her if she wants to join you for a cool down walk around the parking lot. Side-by-side walking tends to open people up because it's less eye contact and equality in stride.

 

Then you can banter about general stuff and learn one another's hobbies, interests, work life, etc. without standing on point holding gym bags.

Ahhh, great suggestion, Catfeeder! Thanks! We also both take our dogs on a local trail. I thought about that as well. I might just wait for a bit to see if she makes any suggestions but if she doesn’t, I will. Thanks!!

Your idea about mentioning an interesting local event is a good one. Make it low key and casual. Such as "did you hear about [event, club, thing, whatever]?" Find out mutual interests.

I invited her to listen to live music at one of our local coffee shops. Part of me wants to see if she wants to go do something really easy to break the ice but I’m not sure what that would be... get coffee maybe after a class?

It's just about finding some things to do that are a mutual interest. When you click with someone and chat away, you kind of learn about that. Like maybe there is a place they've been wanting to go see or an event or something, so it's easy to say "hey, let's do it" and then sort out the logistics. So you are dealing with a person who is already excited and in a way invested in going and looking forward to it. You kind of bond over that gradually. It's a bit different from let's grab coffee after gym and chat because that's kind of a little more down the road when your friendship is stronger and you want to hang out just because.

It's just about finding some things to do that are a mutual interest. When you click with someone and chat away, you kind of learn about that. Like maybe there is a place they've been wanting to go see or an event or something, so it's easy to say "hey, let's do it" and then sort out the logistics. So you are dealing with a person who is already excited and in a way invested in going and looking forward to it. You kind of bond over that gradually. It's a bit different from let's grab coffee after gym and chat because that's kind of a little more down the road when your friendship is stronger and you want to hang out just because.

Thanks, Wiseman and Dancing Fool!!

I don’t yet know what she is interested in outside of work besides exercise but as I find out, I will make those suggestions for events and such!

Thank you!

sounds like you aren't trying to initiate a friendship but dating... no? Answer that one first.

As for me, in the end what you learn is it DOESN'T MATTER the WHAT when developing anything.. what matters is the WITH WHOM. So the real answer is - JUST ASK! SOMETHING!

But tip 2 is - MAKE IT SPECIFIC! don't just "hey wanna hang out sometime? okay.. let me know when you're free" - that never works.

think out of the box. be open minded. be in the moment and things will come to you.

anythi nthat sounds interesting to you, or you'd like to go do - why not ask them if they'd like to join you for it?

any cool show, new restaurant, etc. - why not ask if they'd like to check it out with you?

if you notice something they are into (there is always clues somewhere around them) - if it appeals to you - why not ask if they'd like to partake in that activty together?

lastly.. PAY ATTENTION when you converse and do MORE LISTENING than talking. maybe something when you talk reveals a potential "going out" opportunity. EX. "hey have you heard about this new craze that people are starting to do? These "escape rooms"?" ("oh yeah! i heard they were a lot of fun!") - BINGO! "I was thinking of checking one out.. want to join me and check one out together?"

just be open. in the moment. something will naturally lend itself to "hey wanna go do.." the only time it doesn't is if you're trying to fit it within some constrained context of "rules" it must follow.... blech!

To me also, meeting someone at the grocery store or gym isn't specific enough to truly have a shared interest. Lots of people go to the gym. Lots of people go to the grocery store. Meeting friends at something you volunteer with and are thrown together quite frequently is a better way to make friends because you have more in common aside from the baseline "being healthy". I mean, if you are both into rock climbing at every National Park - now there is a narrower interest to bond over. But gyms or more or less meet markets. Have you tried Meetup groups at all>

sounds like you aren't trying to initiate a friendship but dating... no? Answer that one first.

 

As for me, in the end what you learn is it DOESN'T MATTER the WHAT when developing anything.. what matters is the WITH WHOM. So the real answer is - JUST ASK! SOMETHING!

But tip 2 is - MAKE IT SPECIFIC! don't just "hey wanna hang out sometime? okay.. let me know when you're free" - that never works.

 

think out of the box. be open minded. be in the moment and things will come to you.

anythi nthat sounds interesting to you, or you'd like to go do - why not ask them if they'd like to join you for it?

any cool show, new restaurant, etc. - why not ask if they'd like to check it out with you?

if you notice something they are into (there is always clues somewhere around them) - if it appeals to you - why not ask if they'd like to partake in that activty together?

 

lastly.. PAY ATTENTION when you converse and do MORE LISTENING than talking. maybe something when you talk reveals a potential "going out" opportunity. EX. "hey have you heard about this new craze that people are starting to do? These "escape rooms"?" ("oh yeah! i heard they were a lot of fun!") - BINGO! "I was thinking of checking one out.. want to join me and check one out together?"

 

just be open. in the moment. something will naturally lend itself to "hey wanna go do.." the only time it doesn't is if you're trying to fit it within some constrained context of "rules" it must follow.... blech!

Thisisrichey, no... definitely NOT dating!! She is straight. I am not. So definitely that is not even on my radar. If she were gay and we were both single then maybe but I can’t even picture that. I don’t even really know her. I would like to because she seems really cool. And actually, you are totally right about the generic, let’s hang out sometime because that is what she said to me and actually she has said it to me twice but nothing has come from it.

Thank you for the rest of your advice though!

To me also, meeting someone at the grocery store or gym isn't specific enough to truly have a shared interest. Lots of people go to the gym. Lots of people go to the grocery store. Meeting friends at something you volunteer with and are thrown together quite frequently is a better way to make friends because you have more in common aside from the baseline "being healthy". I mean, if you are both into rock climbing at every National Park - now there is a narrower interest to bond over. But gyms or more or less meet markets. Have you tried Meetup groups at all>

Hey, Abitbroken!

I totally agree with you. It’s just such a funny and non-specific place to meet people (the gym) because it doesn’t really tell you a lot about who they are. I don’t actually know if anything will come from this friendship And if not, that’s OK but I do think she’s pretty cool from the conversations we have had. I love the idea of meetup but I am not typically someone that throws myself into social situations with people I don’t know. It kind of feels like Internet dating LOL. I much prefer to meet people organically if possible which I guess meetup could be that as well!!

I followed up and suggested something and she replied with detail about fiance, wedding, dog as if she couldn't run fast enough. i think she even quit the gym; at least, I never did see her after that.

LOL!!

If you find yourself in convo with the exercise friend, ask her if she wants to join you for a cool down walk around the parking lot. Side-by-side walking tends to open people up because it's less eye contact and equality in stride.

That's a good idea, and I agree about the side-by-side thing. I've sort of made a friend at work this way. Or rather, she made a friend out of me. She just kept asking me to walk during lunch (persistence!). Nothing long, just 15 minutes or so. At first, it was slightly awkward because we really didn't know each other. But over time, we've started to develop more of a friendship. We're not hanging out outside of work or anything, but we know more about each other's lives and conversation has begun to gain traction.

Hey, Abitbroken!

 

I totally agree with you. It’s just such a funny and non-specific place to meet people (the gym) because it doesn’t really tell you a lot about who they are. I don’t actually know if anything will come from this friendship And if not, that’s OK but I do think she’s pretty cool from the conversations we have had. I love the idea of meetup but I am not typically someone that throws myself into social situations with people I don’t know. It kind of feels like Internet dating LOL. I much prefer to meet people organically if possible which I guess meetup could be that as well!!

I don't mean a "make friends" meetup - i mean a "X city west side dog walking group", "The clean up the community garden group" the "we love french films" the "save the clock tower" group. So on and so forth. I have had friendships happen organically out of a dog meetup, a book group that was genre specific, a volunteer opportunity, etc. It drills you down to an actual interest - its up to you if friendships develop or not.

Giving this some thought, it is somewhat awkward to ask an acquaintance to do something alone with you. You don't have enough in common at this point, so exactly what do you talk about? It ends up feeling like a first date. Friendships should be comfortable. First dates are not.

I would just continue to do group activities along side of other women and let things play out organically. People become friends because they are drawn to each other. Not because there is some formal plan.

I think the less formal the better. Everyone has their own comfort zone. You might tell her you are walking around the corner for a cup of coffee and see if she'd like one as well. See if she offers to join you.

I have met women in Meet ups and I have found one of the best ice breakers is to invite them to join me along with my other friends for a group activity. It feels a little more comfortable with other personalities there and if a friendship takes hold, great. If not, then it's just not meant to be.

I don't think a deliberate act cultivates a friendship. I think a certain amount of time, exposure, familiarity and common interests is what how a friendship develops.

Giving this some thought, it is somewhat awkward to ask an acquaintance to do something alone with you. You don't have enough in common at this point, so exactly what do you talk about? It ends up feeling like a first date. Friendships should be comfortable. First dates are not.

 

I would just continue to do group activities along side of other women and let things play out organically. People become friends because they are drawn to each other. Not because there is some formal plan.

 

I think the less formal the better. Everyone has their own comfort zone. You might tell her you are walking around the corner for a cup of coffee and see if she'd like one as well. See if she offers to join you.

 

I have met women in Meet ups and I have found one of the best ice breakers is to invite them to join me along with my other friends for a group activity. It feels a little more comfortable with other personalities there and if a friendship takes hold, great. If not, then it's just not meant to be.

 

I don't think a deliberate act cultivates a friendship. I think a certain amount of time, exposure, familiarity and common interests is what how a friendship develops.

I totally agree with this, reinventmyself!!!! I have decided as of today to just leave it the way it is until something organic shows itself or else it’ll be too awkward. I feel like the reason neither of us have asked each other to do anything is that it would just be weird at this point to go from conversations at the gym to just her and I doing something together. This is all great advice for all new friendships by the way so thank you!

Abitbroken, totally feeling you around the dog or community service meetups. That would actually be the best idea because there are other people around and it wouldn’t be weird. It really is like a blind or internet date where you are staring at each other wondering what to talk about. Lol! That makes me so uncomfortable!

LOL!!

 

 

 

That's a good idea, and I agree about the side-by-side thing. I've sort of made a friend at work this way. Or rather, she made a friend out of me. She just kept asking me to walk during lunch (persistence!). Nothing long, just 15 minutes or so. At first, it was slightly awkward because we really didn't know each other. But over time, we've started to develop more of a friendship. We're not hanging out outside of work or anything, but we know more about each other's lives and conversation has begun to gain traction.

Jibralta! Thank you!! That makes total sense.

Thisisrichey, no... definitely NOT dating!! She is straight. I am not. So definitely that is not even on my radar. If she were gay and we were both single then maybe but I can’t even picture that. I don’t even really know her. I would like to because she seems really cool. And actually, you are totally right about the generic, let’s hang out sometime because that is what she said to me and actually she has said it to me twice but nothing has come from it.

 

Thank you for the rest of your advice though!

You are approaching it as trying to "score" a friendship or date rather than organically becoming friends. There are all sorts of friends. Work friends (people you naturally gravitate towards around the water cooler but you don't hang with except at company picnics but you buy their kids fundraising cookies and they contribute to your walkathon), gym friends, school friends. I think that what you are seeking is "close" friends. She is already your "gym friend". You want to bring someone else into your circle of "friend friends." Its hard to try and force that....

You are approaching it as trying to "score" a friendship or date rather than organically becoming friends. There are all sorts of friends. Work friends (people you naturally gravitate towards around the water cooler but you don't hang with except at company picnics but you buy their kids fundraising cookies and they contribute to your walkathon), gym friends, school friends. I think that what you are seeking is "close" friends. She is already your "gym friend". You want to bring someone else into your circle of "friend friends." Its hard to try and force that....

It is. And even though she asked for my number and said, “Let’s hang out sometime,” she is always running off after class and when I have given her the opportunity to engage in a conversation at the gym or via text, she has not taken it. So, then of course I revert to my 8 year old self and wonder why she doesn’t want to be my friend after all. But you are right. Maybe she will just be my gym friend. I am not going to wait around to chat with her anymore. We have a class together tomorrow morning and I’m just going to leave right after. I have found myself spending too much time wondering why she started the “let’s hang out” conversation and then has seemingly been avoidant of getting to know me in any way. So, I have to just stop caring and move on.

It is. And even though she asked for my number and said, “Let’s hang out sometime,” she is always running off after class and when I have given her the opportunity to engage in a conversation at the gym or via text, she has not taken it. So, then of course I revert to my 8 year old self and wonder why she doesn’t want to be my friend after all. But you are right. Maybe she will just be my gym friend. I am not going to wait around to chat with her anymore. We have a class together tomorrow morning and I’m just going to leave right after. I have found myself spending too much time wondering why she started the “let’s hang out” conversation and then has seemingly been avoidant of getting to know me in any way. So, I have to just stop caring and move on.

If you see her at the gym 3 days a week, there is no reason for her to call you. because she will see you again in a few days.

Also, i know for me when i ecxchange info it takes me awhile to call -thinking i am bothering the person.

If you see her at the gym 3 days a week, there is no reason for her to call you. because she will see you again in a few days.

Also, i know for me when i ecxchange info it takes me awhile to call -thinking i am bothering the person.

That could be true, but like today, we typically do a class together and she didn’t come and if it were me, like when I was not going to do a class with her the other night, I text her and just told her I wasn’t going to make it. I guess I thought it weird that she didn’t text and say anything. Perhaps I just have too high of expectations for new friendships. I don’t know. Then I start to make all of these assumptions, like, did I do something to offend her?? Which, I did NOT as far as I know. Again, it’s probably not about me. This is good though because it has triggered me in some way that clearly I need to look at and work on! Tomorrow, she teaches a class that I usually go to but I am going to meditation instead and I was going to text her to let her know that I wasn’t coming but then I decided not to after today because clearly that isn’t necessary and she doesn’t really care as much as I do about that kind of thing. I really just take things too personally.