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Did he still have feelings for her when he and I got together?


alexa5207

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Ok, I'm back here again asking for advice for the third time regarding my relationship with my bf of a year.

 

He was hanging out with a girl he went to high school with off and on for about a year from about June 2016 till August 2017. He started developing feelings for her bc of the constant hangouts. He asked if she wanted to date a couple of times but she'd always say 'we're just friends.' But she'd make him pay every time they hung out and she would constantly text other guys while they were together and a lot of times walk a mile ahead of him when she asked to go for walks, he still liked that a girl seemingly wanted to spend time with him. He used to be overweight and bullied all his life so this was his first real experience hanging out with a girl one on one. He said at the time he was completely confused and thought maybe he was in love but realizes now that he wasn't.

 

He and I started talking in December 2017 and dated shortly after. We officially became a couple on Feb 2, 2018.

 

Here's what bothers me. I know social media isn't a big deal but he kept her as a friend on social media knowing she was there AFTER we were together. And it's not like he forgot she was there. That I would be more understanding about. No. He made a conscious effort to keep her there by specifically blocking her from seeing his posts but didn't delete HER. Why? This indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. He specifically told me in the beginning, "it stung and then he met me and it didn't sting anymore" - and I'm honestly tired of being someone's means to get over someone else. That's how it was in my last relationship. I figured since this guy had no prior dating history, I'd never have to worry about that here.

 

I know that in my past posts I have overreacted with some things he's done and said but I honestly feel justified in thinking he still had feelings for her when we got together. He's had a habit of fudging details when it came to this girl and I can't imagine why. One minute he said the last time he spoke to her was in Aug 2017 when they stopped hanging out. Now I'm learning she messaged him when he got back from Italy in Jan 2018 asking how his trip was. He responded. We weren't together then so it's fine but again I can't help but wonder why would you wanna keep someone that used you around unless there are some feelings there still? Also, there's a chance that his response to her came in Feb 2018 after he and I were together. He said he remembers responding 'good' then deleting her. But he didn't delete her from Instagram until Feb 11th, 2018 which means we were together by then. I'm worried that during that time he could've asked her one more time if she'd like to date. She said no and so he settled for me.

 

So I guess my questions are: does it seem likely that he DID have feelings for her when we got together? If so, is that necessarily a bad thing? It would honestly hurt and make me feel like a rebound.

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Yes, he did still have feelings for her and yes, you were probably a rebound. However, it has been more than a year, it may be more than that now. But whatever it is, your low self esteem and obsessive paranoia are going to harm it. Stop worrying about every little thing he does and start finding ways to make yourself stronger.

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I don't mean to sound harsh here, but are you really fretting about someone maybe saying "good" to a woman he got a little thrown by before you two were official? Are you really, over a year later into a relationship, fretting about what it means that someone didn't delete an IG follower nine days after this official moment? Sounds like you are refusing to allow this man to have had any past whatsoever.

 

Sure, he had some unresolved feelings for her when he met you. So what? You two are adults, adults come with pasts. Unless I'm wrong, it doesn't really sound like he's been hung up on her since meeting you, or that he's keeping that misguided spark alive, so what gives in still focusing on all this a year into a relationship?

 

I don't know your romantic history, but it sounds like you want him to make up for the sins of past men in your life. He is supposed to be the pure virgin who only ever had eyes for you, as opposed to a human adult whose journey through life led him to you. The fact that you have everything dated and time stamped speaks to a level of paranoia and anxiety about romance that is not healthy.

 

Serious question: Do you like your boyfriend? Do you love him? Do you find him compelling and intriguing? Or do you only like/love the narrative that he is "safe," so much that you are still looking for some reason why he might be "dangerous"?

 

Either you don't trust him or you don't trust yourself. Regardless, this is not how relationships are supposed to look and feel, not a year in.

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OP why are you so OBSESSED with this girl?? Like what do you feel is missing in the relationship that you need to scrutinize his past relationship with her so closely? And if you were worried about being a rebound, why did you get together with him only 4 months after he broke up with the last one?

 

Oh wait I see it now... you think he settled for you. So this isn't about this girl at all... it's about your own insecurities about the relationship. Well at the end of the day you either trust him when he says he wants you in his life or you don't... and if you don't, maybe you need to move on and find someone you do trust.

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I don't mean to sound harsh here, but are you really fretting about someone maybe saying "good" to a woman he got a little thrown by before you two were official? Are you really, over a year later into a relationship, fretting about what it means that someone didn't delete an IG follower nine days after this official moment? Sounds like you are refusing to allow this man to have had any past whatsoever.

 

Sure, he had some unresolved feelings for her when he met you. So what? You two are adults, adults come with pasts. Unless I'm wrong, it doesn't really sound like he's been hung up on her since meeting you, or that he's keeping that misguided spark alive, so what gives in still focusing on all this a year into a relationship?

 

I don't know your romantic history, but it sounds like you want him to make up for the sins of past men in your life. He is supposed to be the pure virgin who only ever had eyes for you, as opposed to a human adult whose journey through life led him to you. The fact that you have everything dated and time stamped speaks to a level of paranoia and anxiety about romance that is not healthy.

 

Serious question: Do you like your boyfriend? Do you love him? Do you find him compelling and intriguing? Or do you only like/love the narrative that he is "safe," so much that you are still looking for some reason why he might be "dangerous"?

 

Either you don't trust him or you don't trust yourself. Regardless, this is not how relationships are supposed to look and feel, not a year in.

 

I don't mind that he said "good" to her. I'm worried that it could've been more of a conversation than that bc his story is always changing when it comes to things about her. First it was he hadn't talked to her since August, now it's, oh btw, she messaged me asking me how my trip was. It's the "new" information that bothers me. Who knows what else he's "forgetting"... he could've asked to date again then when he got rejected again decided to settle for me. And no one wants to feel settled for or used as a means to get over someone else.

 

I know he had unresolved feelings for her and that doesn't bother me. The thing that DOES bother me though is, what WERE those unresolved feelings (love, like, anger)? And why not deal with it BEFORE being with me? It feels unfair that he'd use me to get over her.

 

I do love him and yes you're right, I did love that I thought he was safe. No prior dating or sexual history before me. But even if he DID have a prior dating or sexual history before me, I'd be ok with that. It's to be expected. But is it too much to ask that he deals with any unresolved feelings he's had for someone else before getting involved with me? Bc it only leaves me feeling like second best. And no one wants to feel like that.

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OP why are you so OBSESSED with this girl?? Like what do you feel is missing in the relationship that you need to scrutinize his past relationship with her so closely? And if you were worried about being a rebound, why did you get together with him only 4 months after he broke up with the last one?

 

Oh wait I see it now... you think he settled for you. So this isn't about this girl at all... it's about your own insecurities about the relationship. Well at the end of the day you either trust him when he says he wants you in his life or you don't... and if you don't, maybe you need to move on and find someone you do trust.

 

Just to be clear, they weren't dating. They had all the symptoms of dating but she didn't want to be with him. So they were just friends that hung out often and he developed feelings for.

 

I guess I can't let it go bc I just can't understand why he'd go out of his way to deliberately block her from seeing his posts but not delete her altogether. That indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. Again, it would be different if he just left her there and didn't delete her at all. I wouldn't even be upset that he still kept her. It would show me that he doesn't even think about her. But to make a conscious effort to NOT delete her speaks volumes to me.

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I'm going to assume this is something the two of you continue to discuss? Like the events of August 2017, Jan and Feb 2018, remain sore subjects and tense talking points in Feb 2019? Rather than being what they are—the past—they remain very much a present thorn in your dynamic?

 

If so, not healthy. At all. Because, big picture: none of it matters.

 

It sounds like something happened to you, before him, that made you really, really sensitive to the idea of being used to get over someone. So the fact that he had no prior dating history was, in ways, this big turn on. Except, oh wait, this female friend. What's up with that? What happened with that? No, what really happened with that?

 

It's the little scab that keeps getting picked, over and over. And the scab is not really his friendship or his social media or some dark secret he refuses to air out—no, the scab is your own sh*t.

 

The irony with this sort of obsessive thinking? It's the thinking—hold on tight—of someone using someone to get over someone. It's the thinking of someone who remains deeply guided by unresolved feelings. Instead of processing your past you're using him to continue living it. Because, I'm sorry, but it is a fact that when we become this obsessed over another it's an extension of something in ourselves that we remain obsessed with.

 

I mean, these details you are obsessing over? The "volumes" you are still pouring over? The substance is what? That for nine days he blocked her from seeing posts but didn't delete? Those are the teeniest tiniest potatoes in a bag of small potatoes. It's dying on an anthill, not Mount Everest.

 

The single most apocalyptic read on this—that he was still a little flustered by that friendship when you guys became exclusive and couldn't be totally straight forward about it all—is basically humanity and romance 101. Even if that is the truth, it should be shrugged off by this point, long obliterated by the truth of your connection, feelings, and shared history together.

 

My feeling, for what it's worth, is that basically anyone I meet is going to have some unresolved feelings for a person or two. A big love. An ex-husband. A shady dude who, dang it, was a great lay and still flutters through the mind and loins from time to time. Ideally these feelings are a low, low simmer—shrug emoji stuff. I'll gauge the level of that simmer not through repeated interrogation but by a gut sense of how I feel about our connection and how its expanding and deepening. So if it's meeting me and falling for me and rolling around with me that puts them on deep forever ice? Fine. Whatever. You can "use" me for that, just a touch, in the beginning. That's basically dating. No one is a clean slate, and thank god for that. It's the dirt, and the scabs, that make us interesting.

 

My suspicion here is that, because this guy has no prior history, he thinks it is normal to be subjected to this level of repeated scrutiny by a partner. So just as he may not have the sharpest tools in talking about it all, neither does he have the tools you would have encountered in, say, dating me, which is that I'd have allowed maybe two patient weeks of these scab-picking talks before essentially saying, "I like you a lot and would love to see what we can be, but if this is what we're gonna do, I ain't doing it."

 

And in allowing it what's happened is that he's allowed you to indulge in a pathology that doesn't serve you. He is indirectly feeding a line of obsessive thinking that needed resolving before you got involved with him, far more than he needed to resolve whatever was going on with his friend. Because he resolved that a long time ago, you see? He stopped talking to her. He blocked her from seeing his stuff. And then, nine days later, deleted her.

 

And that's that, at least in a healthy dynamic. End scene. If it's not the end of the scene for you, a year later, it's time to do some real thinking and work to resolve what's lurking inside of you instead of using a relationship to keep that simmer at a near boil.

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How and why do you even know all of these details about his life before you? It's never smart to discuss that stuff. Everyone has a history. Prying into it in order to find piddly stuff to obsess about is the perfect way to make yourself miserable and take a partner down with you.

 

Either someone is still involved with an ex lover, or not. That's the extent of learning that's healthy up front at the start of dating. Drilling into details about crushes and unfortunate friendships is messy kid stuff, and it will get you exactly where you are.

 

Decide whether you trust your BF and his investment in you, or not. If not, then walk away. If so, then quit policing his social media and enjoy your relationship instead of harming it.

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Leave the past in the past. If you can't get over his past friends, you may need to move on. He admitted that a long time ago before you were together he had a crush but she turned him down. You are harping on this so much you are destroying your relationship and happiness all by yourself.

he kept her as a friend on social media knowing she was there AFTER we were together. He made a conscious effort to keep her there by specifically blocking her from seeing his posts but didn't delete HER.
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Just to be clear, they weren't dating. They had all the symptoms of dating but she didn't want to be with him. So they were just friends that hung out often and he developed feelings for.

 

I guess I can't let it go bc I just can't understand why he'd go out of his way to deliberately block her from seeing his posts but not delete her altogether. That indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. Again, it would be different if he just left her there and didn't delete her at all. I wouldn't even be upset that he still kept her. It would show me that he doesn't even think about her. But to make a conscious effort to NOT delete her speaks volumes to me.

 

I think you need to take what bluecastle wrote, print it, cut it out and post it on every mirror in your home... particularly the part around people having past relationships that they still have feelings for. People can have feelings for an ex without actually wanting to be with that person... or they can have feelings while also accepting that the relationship isn't meant to be.

 

You continue to deflect from the truth of your insecurities by focusing on this girl.... the reality is that even if this girl weren't in the picture, you would find something else to worry and obsess over, because you haven't gotten over whatever situation made you this way.

 

If you continue to hack on this guy... eventually you will push him out of your life altogether. Because no matter how naive or inexperienced he is, at some point he is going to get sick of having to placate you and your anxiety.

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I'm going to assume this is something the two of you continue to discuss? Like the events of August 2017, Jan and Feb 2018, remain sore subjects and tense talking points in Feb 2019? Rather than being what they are—the past—they remain very much a present thorn in your dynamic?

 

If so, not healthy. At all. Because, big picture: none of it matters.

 

It sounds like something happened to you, before him, that made you really, really sensitive to the idea of being used to get over someone. So the fact that he had no prior dating history was, in ways, this big turn on. Except, oh wait, this female friend. What's up with that? What happened with that? No, what really happened with that?

 

It's the little scab that keeps getting picked, over and over. And the scab is not really his friendship or his social media or some dark secret he refuses to air out—no, the scab is your own sh*t.

 

The irony with this sort of obsessive thinking? It's the thinking—hold on tight—of someone using someone to get over someone. It's the thinking of someone who remains deeply guided by unresolved feelings. Instead of processing your past you're using him to continue living it. Because, I'm sorry, but it is a fact that when we become this obsessed over another it's an extension of something in ourselves that we remain obsessed with.

 

I mean, these details you are obsessing over? The "volumes" you are still pouring over? The substance is what? That for nine days he blocked her from seeing posts but didn't delete? Those are the teeniest tiniest potatoes in a bag of small potatoes. It's dying on an anthill, not Mount Everest.

 

The single most apocalyptic read on this—that he was still a little flustered by that friendship when you guys became exclusive and couldn't be totally straight forward about it all—is basically humanity and romance 101. Even if that is the truth, it should be shrugged off by this point, long obliterated by the truth of your connection, feelings, and shared history together.

 

My feeling, for what it's worth, is that basically anyone I meet is going to have some unresolved feelings for a person or two. A big love. An ex-husband. A shady dude who, dang it, was a great lay and still flutters through the mind and loins from time to time. Ideally these feelings are a low, low simmer—shrug emoji stuff. I'll gauge the level of that simmer not through repeated interrogation but by a gut sense of how I feel about our connection and how its expanding and deepening. So if it's meeting me and falling for me and rolling around with me that puts them on deep forever ice? Fine. Whatever. You can "use" me for that, just a touch, in the beginning. That's basically dating. No one is a clean slate, and thank god for that. It's the dirt, and the scabs, that make us interesting.

 

My suspicion here is that, because this guy has no prior history, he thinks it is normal to be subjected to this level of repeated scrutiny by a partner. So just as he may not have the sharpest tools in talking about it all, neither does he have the tools you would have encountered in, say, dating me, which is that I'd have allowed maybe two patient weeks of these scab-picking talks before essentially saying, "I like you a lot and would love to see what we can be, but if this is what we're gonna do, I ain't doing it."

 

And in allowing it what's happened is that he's allowed you to indulge in a pathology that doesn't serve you. He is indirectly feeding a line of obsessive thinking that needed resolving before you got involved with him, far more than he needed to resolve whatever was going on with his friend. Because he resolved that a long time ago, you see? He stopped talking to her. He blocked her from seeing his stuff. And then, nine days later, deleted her.

 

And that's that, at least in a healthy dynamic. End scene. If it's not the end of the scene for you, a year later, it's time to do some real thinking and work to resolve what's lurking inside of you instead of using a relationship to keep that simmer at a near boil.

 

This all makes a lot of sense and gives me a lot to think about. Thank you

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See her posting history. She admits to obsessing over insignificant details.

 

OP, reposting here is not going to fix your issue. What are you actively doing to deal with your obsessive thoughts?

 

Yes, this is true. But the thing is, I can't ever differentiate if they're insignificant or red flags. That's why I post here.

 

I'm currently in therapy, hopefully starting a new medication today, I do some cbt and just got back into medication. Oh, and of course getting insight from here helps.

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I think you need to take what bluecastle wrote, print it, cut it out and post it on every mirror in your home... particularly the part around people having past relationships that they still have feelings for. People can have feelings for an ex without actually wanting to be with that person... or they can have feelings while also accepting that the relationship isn't meant to be.

 

You continue to deflect from the truth of your insecurities by focusing on this girl.... the reality is that even if this girl weren't in the picture, you would find something else to worry and obsess over, because you haven't gotten over whatever situation made you this way.

 

If you continue to hack on this guy... eventually you will push him out of your life altogether. Because no matter how naive or inexperienced he is, at some point he is going to get sick of having to placate you and your anxiety.

 

I just might do that, seriously. Bc everytime I talk to my friends in real life, they tell me to run, that he's just using me. So it leaves me confused.

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Just wanna add bc I'm getting replies from some of the same people from past posts so since I've got the same audience that's aware of my obsessive thinking: how do I ever know the difference between, "ok I'm obsessing again, this is not a big deal" and "omg, he's just using me, he doesn't care about me?" Bc I really can't tell.

 

Also, as juvenile as it may be, how do I get past him having feelings for someone else while with me and still having feelings for ME? I tend to think of love/feelings in quantities I suppose. If he's harboring those feelings for HER, there's not much left for ME. It makes me feel like what we have is less special. I mean, even my therapist said he should've deleted her.

 

I don't know. I just feel lost. But thanks for the responses.

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Yes, this is true. But the thing is, I can't ever differentiate if they're insignificant or red flags. That's why I post here.

 

I'm currently in therapy, hopefully starting a new medication today, I do some cbt and just got back into medication. Oh, and of course getting insight from here helps.

 

Meditation* sorry

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how do I ever know the difference between, "ok I'm obsessing again, this is not a big deal" and "omg, he's just using me, he doesn't care about me?" Bc I really can't tell.

 

Pay attention to how you feel. Do you feel worried, anxious, frustrated, afraid? Are all of your worst characteristics showing themselves? That's obsession.

 

Also, as juvenile as it may be, how do I get past him having feelings for someone else while with me and still having feelings for ME? I tend to think of love/feelings in quantities I suppose. If he's harboring those feelings for HER, there's not much left for ME. It makes me feel like what we have is less special. I mean, even my therapist said he should've deleted her.

 

Stop focusing on HIM and HER as the reason you are anxious and unhappy and take responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions. If you are doing CBT and Therapy then you will have tools at your disposal to help you with this. It's about letting go of negative thoughts and self-talk and focusing on the positive.

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Also, as juvenile as it may be, how do I get past him having feelings for someone else while with me and still having feelings for ME? I tend to think of love/feelings in quantities I suppose. If he's harboring those feelings for HER, there's not much left for ME. It makes me feel like what we have is less special. I mean, even my therapist said he should've deleted her.
By realizing you're not that special. Nobody is. Is it possible she was his priority interest, and but for her eventually turning him down he would have preferred her? You know what, it absolutely is possible. It may even be likely. But that's reality, and many successful relationships and marriages have come about after such circumstances. Most everyone has been rejected by someone they'd have preferred at the time, only to find themselves in an incredibly happy relationship with someone else. You're taking it much too personally that you were but a blip in the grand scheme of his life then, and holding it against him for daring to have a preference. Rather than assuming the best, that were he to have the connection he has with you now to gauge against his interest in this woman then, he'd choose you in an instant, you default to him treating you like sloppy seconds.

 

Personally, I have no idea if my wife had dated someone before me or even when we'd first started dating and would have liked to be with him, only to "settle" for me afterward because the other guy deemed her not a fit for him. The purpose of multi-dating just as much encompasses the reality someone we may be into won't think us a good match as much as the other way around. And not that it would bother me at all if she had, it's not a question I'd ever care to ask. I especially wouldn't if I thought I might not like the answer. And I certainly wouldn't ride the fine line of emotional abuse intentionally bashing the door to her right to privacy and discretion to self disclose by constantly badgering her about her dating life prior to me for the sake of such an answer.

 

Being honest, if you were fantasizing of literally being this man's alpha and omega when it comes to his romantic life (you've mentioned several times how him not having a girlfriend before was a big plus), only to have that dream ruined by the fact that at an early stage and on a superficial level he might have at one point had a stronger preference for her, do the guy (and yourself) a favor and put a fork in it, continuing therapy until you're in a much more sound position to date.

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By realizing you're not that special. Nobody is. Is it possible she was his priority interest, and but for her eventually turning him down he would have preferred her? You know what, it absolutely is possible. It may even be likely. But that's reality, and many successful relationships and marriages have come about after such circumstances. Most everyone has been rejected by someone they'd have preferred at the time, only to find themselves in an incredibly happy relationship with someone else. You're taking it much too personally that you were but a blip in the grand scheme of his life then, and holding it against him for daring to have a preference. Rather than assuming the best, that were he to have the connection he has with you now to gauge against his interest in this woman then, he'd choose you in an instant, you default to him treating you like sloppy seconds.

 

Personally, I have no idea if my wife had dated someone before me or even when we'd first started dating and would have liked to be with him, only to "settle" for me afterward because the other guy deemed her not a fit for him. The purpose of multi-dating just as much encompasses the idea someone we may be into won't think us a good match as much as the other way around. I especially wouldn't if I thought I might not like the answer. And not that it would bother me at all if she had, it's not a question I'd ever care to ask. And I certainly wouldn't ride the fine line of emotional abuse constantly badgering her about her dating life prior to me for an answer I might not want to hear.

 

Being honest, if you were fantasizing of literally being this man's alpha and omega when it comes to his romantic life (you've mentioned several times how him not having a girlfriend before was a big plus), only to have that dream ruined by the fact that at an early stage and on a superficial level he might have at one point had a stronger preference for her, do the guy (and yourself) a favor and put a fork in it, continuing therapy until you're in a much more sound position to date.

 

Yes this makes a lot of sense. But how can I get past this feeling of wanting to be his only love interest? Bc obviously therapy and cbt aren't enough. I'm honestly torn.

 

I guess I also can't understand why he'd prefer someone that just used him. Does that say anything about HIM?

 

And yes we've delved solely into MY psyche and MY obsessions but is it really not wrong to make an effort to keep someone around knowing you have feelings for them still while pursuing someone else? I guess what I'm learning here is that there's nothing wrong with him still having feelings for this girl but what about the concious effort to keep her around? Almost like leaving that door open or a back up option in case we didn't work out. That seems wrong to me, no? Or am I obsessing again?

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Here are some real questions: Is he the only man you think about? Is there anyone else—a man from your past—who brought you pleasure and pain in a way that still stirs feelings? Is there a man that you feel "used" you but who, dang it, you remained drawn to, attracted to?

 

I'm sorry, but I can't help but think there is. I can't help but think that you want to be the "special" thing to snuff out his past because you are still looking for that thing to snuff out yours, and are frustrated that he is not quite that thing. I can't help but think that you are still in this mental loop, a year in, because you are still in a mental loop about something and someone that predated him.

 

And I wonder if all that makes you feel guilty or "broken" in some way. I mean, you are his only love interest in a way that few people your age get in a partner. He came to you a literal virgin, whose romantic baggage was confined to a female friend that tugged him around a bit, who maybe he still thought about here and there when your connection was fresh, new, still deepening. That is a speck of dust on a white sheet.

 

It's as if you are refusing to allow him a fraction of the emotional complexity you allow in yourself.

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You need to try to compartmentalize this a bit.

I have ex's that I still have feelings for. The feelings are complex and all over the map. Some I don't.

But what really matters here is that for what ever the reason may be, I am no longer with them. Whether it was choice or theirs, it's over.

 

Just because something ends, doesn't mean the feelings disappear. Some feelings take on a different meaning and can last forever. But even with that, due to a variety of circumstances, I would never return to those relationships.

 

These feelings do not prevent me from moving on. The do not prevent me from being fully present in a different relationship and how I feel about someone else has to no relevance to my current relationship.

 

So basically, what I am trying to say is he could very well have feelings for her. He can have feelings for her that have absolutely nothing to do with you or will have any impact on your relationship. He has a past. So you do you. Nothing is going to change that.

 

Obsessing about it doesn't serve any purpose.

It seems you are trying to anticipate any future disappoints and are trying to head them off at the pass.

Unfortunately there are no guarantees and people will disappoint you.

 

You just need to trust yourself to make a good enough decision based on the information in front of you and don't let your fear and anxiety run the show.

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Here are some real questions: Is he the only man you think about? Is there anyone else—a man from your past—who brought you pleasure and pain in a way that still stirs feelings? Is there a man that you feel "used" you but who, dang it, you remained drawn to, attracted to?

 

I'm sorry, but I can't help but think there is. I can't help but think that you want to be the "special" thing to snuff out his past because you are still looking for that thing to snuff out yours, and are frustrated that he is not quite that thing. I can't help but think that you are still in this mental loop, a year in, because you are still in a mental loop about something and someone that predated him.

 

And I wonder if all that makes you feel guilty or "broken" in some way. I mean, you are his only love interest in a way that few people your age get in a partner. He came to you a literal virgin, whose romantic baggage was confined to a female friend that tugged him around a bit, who maybe he still thought about here and there when your connection was fresh, new, still deepening. That is a speck of dust on a white sheet.

 

It's as if you are refusing to allow him a fraction of the emotional complexity you allow in yourself.

 

Before him I dated a guy for five months who DID use me as a rebound. He was fresh out of a toxic relationship and even though I should've ran, I believed him when he said he was over her. Even though the signs were all there. This guy refused to even add me on social media and flat out told me it was bc "he didn't want to upset his ex"... It made me feel terrible, second best. But our situation was unique. His ex was deeply depressed and suicidal. In spite of that I grew frustrated with his continued attempts to stay in contact with her. About a month into our relationship, she killed herself. I felt horrible and responsible bc one of the last things I said to him was "she's not your responsibility anymore." Do I still have feelings for that guy? No. Do I still think back on him fondly and wonder what if? No. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him and worry that this was history repeating itself again. But nothing romantic at all.

 

If he still has unresolved feelings of rejection, it's not his first time being rejected, being led on or anger for being used, I get that. And I support him. But then why keep those painful memories around deliberately? That's what makes me think it's more of romantic feelings lingering. How do I put THAT behind me?

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If he still has unresolved feelings of rejection

 

But then why keep those painful memories around deliberately? That's what makes me think it's more of romantic feelings lingering. How do I put THAT behind me?

 

Because he isn't you and it isn't how HE chooses to deal with this.

And you are merely speculating.

 

By the sounds of it your last experience was pretty dramatic.

Don't exercise this past experience out on your new relationship.

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I'm sorry for that episode. That is a lot, and no doubt left a mark. You were absolutely right that she was not his responsibility, but of course that doesn't mean her suicide didn't make you feel horrible. And maybe it was feeling horrible that kept you in the relationship a little longer than you should have, compounding a bit of pain that colored your perspective on dating moving forward—pain you brought into your current relationship.

 

It sounds, honestly, like you were not ready for a relationship when you met your bf. That you wanted him—and still want—to make all that pain go away, to never, ever inflict similar pain on you. That is his main role in your life aside from being, you know, himself.

 

The irony, of course, is that you've been in a relationship with someone for a year while remaining so fixated on how you might be disappointed that you can't enjoy being in the relationship. Your obsession with avoiding being hurt, in other words, is what is hurting you. Not his social media activity or feelings about his friendship or any of that.

 

The only way to get into a healthy relationship, and to surrender to the deep benefits of healthy connection, is to be 100 percent okay with getting hurt and disappointed. Because it's going to happen, always. It's also about being able to look into your own emotional history and landscape—the bruises, the contradictions, the complexities—and find empathy for another's.

 

At the risk of sounding harsh, you are not going to get out of this mindset until you can rise above the narrative of people "using" each other. Because with very few exceptions, people rarely intentionally "use" each other. They slip, they stumble. They don't always match up. They're often subconsciously guided by questionable motivations. But they don't walk out the door with a to-do list that says "buy milk, pay gas bill, use alexa."

 

When we feel used by people it's our job to process that, so that we're not closed off to the inherent goodness in people. I fear that, in your case, you sidestepped that processing by jumping into something with a "sure thing" instead of remembering that nothing is a sure thing, and that's where the magic is.

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I'm sorry for that episode. That is a lot, and no doubt left a mark. You were absolutely right that she was not his responsibility, but of course that doesn't mean her suicide didn't make you feel horrible. And maybe it was feeling horrible that kept you in the relationship a little longer than you should have, compounding a bit of pain that colored your perspective on dating moving forward—pain you brought into your current relationship.

 

It sounds, honestly, like you were not ready for a relationship when you met your bf. That you wanted him—and still want—to make all that pain go away, to never, ever inflict similar pain on you. That is his main role in your life aside from being, you know, himself.

 

The irony, of course, is that you've been in a relationship with someone for a year while remaining so fixated on how you might be disappointed that you can't enjoy being in the relationship. Your obsession with avoiding being hurt, in other words, is what is hurting you. Not his social media activity or feelings about his friendship or any of that.

 

The only way to get into a healthy relationship, and to surrender to the deep benefits of healthy connection, is to be 100 percent okay with getting hurt and disappointed. Because it's going to happen, always. It's also about being able to look into your own emotional history and landscape—the bruises, the contradictions, the complexities—and find empathy for another's.

 

At the risk of sounding harsh, you are not going to get out of this mindset until you can rise above the narrative of people "using" each other. Because with very few exceptions, people rarely intentionally "use" each other. They slip, they stumble. They don't always match up. They're often subconsciously guided by questionable motivations. But they don't walk out the door with a to-do list that says "buy milk, pay gas bill, use alexa."

 

When we feel used by people it's our job to process that, so that we're not closed off to the inherent goodness in people. I fear that, in your case, you sidestepped that processing by jumping into something with a "sure thing" instead of remembering that nothing is a sure thing, and that's where the magic is.

 

Wow this made me cry and laugh all at the same time. You've evoked so many emotions in me and inspired me to do a lot of thinking and self reflecting.

 

I'm trying to be a better person, I really am. To be more forgiving and understanding and less judgemental and 'on edge' for lack of a better word. Unfortunately I think I'm one of those people that it will require a lot of hard work on my end and possibly medication to restore some balance. And I'm ok with that.

 

Believe me, it's not easy. I wouldn't wish my way of thinking on my worst enemy. You're right, I get in my own way of being happy. And I so desperately want to be happy. Right now though, I feel completely and utterly lost. Probably more so than ever before. And I'm just trying to find my way back. Maybe I've never even been there to begin with. That place of total mental clarity and being emotionally healthy. I can't remember ever being there and I guess I'm just struggling with how to get there.

 

Thank you for all your help. I appreciate it more than you could ever know xx

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