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Thread: Did he still have feelings for her when he and I got together?

  1. #1
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    Did he still have feelings for her when he and I got together?

    Ok, I'm back here again asking for advice for the third time regarding my relationship with my bf of a year.

    He was hanging out with a girl he went to high school with off and on for about a year from about June 2016 till August 2017. He started developing feelings for her bc of the constant hangouts. He asked if she wanted to date a couple of times but she'd always say 'we're just friends.' But she'd make him pay every time they hung out and she would constantly text other guys while they were together and a lot of times walk a mile ahead of him when she asked to go for walks, he still liked that a girl seemingly wanted to spend time with him. He used to be overweight and bullied all his life so this was his first real experience hanging out with a girl one on one. He said at the time he was completely confused and thought maybe he was in love but realizes now that he wasn't.

    He and I started talking in December 2017 and dated shortly after. We officially became a couple on Feb 2, 2018.

    Here's what bothers me. I know social media isn't a big deal but he kept her as a friend on social media knowing she was there AFTER we were together. And it's not like he forgot she was there. That I would be more understanding about. No. He made a conscious effort to keep her there by specifically blocking her from seeing his posts but didn't delete HER. Why? This indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. He specifically told me in the beginning, "it stung and then he met me and it didn't sting anymore" - and I'm honestly tired of being someone's means to get over someone else. That's how it was in my last relationship. I figured since this guy had no prior dating history, I'd never have to worry about that here.

    I know that in my past posts I have overreacted with some things he's done and said but I honestly feel justified in thinking he still had feelings for her when we got together. He's had a habit of fudging details when it came to this girl and I can't imagine why. One minute he said the last time he spoke to her was in Aug 2017 when they stopped hanging out. Now I'm learning she messaged him when he got back from Italy in Jan 2018 asking how his trip was. He responded. We weren't together then so it's fine but again I can't help but wonder why would you wanna keep someone that used you around unless there are some feelings there still? Also, there's a chance that his response to her came in Feb 2018 after he and I were together. He said he remembers responding 'good' then deleting her. But he didn't delete her from Instagram until Feb 11th, 2018 which means we were together by then. I'm worried that during that time he could've asked her one more time if she'd like to date. She said no and so he settled for me.

    So I guess my questions are: does it seem likely that he DID have feelings for her when we got together? If so, is that necessarily a bad thing? It would honestly hurt and make me feel like a rebound.

  2. #2
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    Yes, he did still have feelings for her and yes, you were probably a rebound. However, it has been more than a year, it may be more than that now. But whatever it is, your low self esteem and obsessive paranoia are going to harm it. Stop worrying about every little thing he does and start finding ways to make yourself stronger.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't mean to sound harsh here, but are you really fretting about someone maybe saying "good" to a woman he got a little thrown by before you two were official? Are you really, over a year later into a relationship, fretting about what it means that someone didn't delete an IG follower nine days after this official moment? Sounds like you are refusing to allow this man to have had any past whatsoever.

    Sure, he had some unresolved feelings for her when he met you. So what? You two are adults, adults come with pasts. Unless I'm wrong, it doesn't really sound like he's been hung up on her since meeting you, or that he's keeping that misguided spark alive, so what gives in still focusing on all this a year into a relationship?

    I don't know your romantic history, but it sounds like you want him to make up for the sins of past men in your life. He is supposed to be the pure virgin who only ever had eyes for you, as opposed to a human adult whose journey through life led him to you. The fact that you have everything dated and time stamped speaks to a level of paranoia and anxiety about romance that is not healthy.

    Serious question: Do you like your boyfriend? Do you love him? Do you find him compelling and intriguing? Or do you only like/love the narrative that he is "safe," so much that you are still looking for some reason why he might be "dangerous"?

    Either you don't trust him or you don't trust yourself. Regardless, this is not how relationships are supposed to look and feel, not a year in.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP why are you so OBSESSED with this girl?? Like what do you feel is missing in the relationship that you need to scrutinize his past relationship with her so closely? And if you were worried about being a rebound, why did you get together with him only 4 months after he broke up with the last one?

    Oh wait I see it now... you think he settled for you. So this isn't about this girl at all... it's about your own insecurities about the relationship. Well at the end of the day you either trust him when he says he wants you in his life or you don't... and if you don't, maybe you need to move on and find someone you do trust.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't mean to sound harsh here, but are you really fretting about someone maybe saying "good" to a woman he got a little thrown by before you two were official? Are you really, over a year later into a relationship, fretting about what it means that someone didn't delete an IG follower nine days after this official moment? Sounds like you are refusing to allow this man to have had any past whatsoever.

    Sure, he had some unresolved feelings for her when he met you. So what? You two are adults, adults come with pasts. Unless I'm wrong, it doesn't really sound like he's been hung up on her since meeting you, or that he's keeping that misguided spark alive, so what gives in still focusing on all this a year into a relationship?

    I don't know your romantic history, but it sounds like you want him to make up for the sins of past men in your life. He is supposed to be the pure virgin who only ever had eyes for you, as opposed to a human adult whose journey through life led him to you. The fact that you have everything dated and time stamped speaks to a level of paranoia and anxiety about romance that is not healthy.

    Serious question: Do you like your boyfriend? Do you love him? Do you find him compelling and intriguing? Or do you only like/love the narrative that he is "safe," so much that you are still looking for some reason why he might be "dangerous"?

    Either you don't trust him or you don't trust yourself. Regardless, this is not how relationships are supposed to look and feel, not a year in.
    I don't mind that he said "good" to her. I'm worried that it could've been more of a conversation than that bc his story is always changing when it comes to things about her. First it was he hadn't talked to her since August, now it's, oh btw, she messaged me asking me how my trip was. It's the "new" information that bothers me. Who knows what else he's "forgetting"... he could've asked to date again then when he got rejected again decided to settle for me. And no one wants to feel settled for or used as a means to get over someone else.

    I know he had unresolved feelings for her and that doesn't bother me. The thing that DOES bother me though is, what WERE those unresolved feelings (love, like, anger)? And why not deal with it BEFORE being with me? It feels unfair that he'd use me to get over her.

    I do love him and yes you're right, I did love that I thought he was safe. No prior dating or sexual history before me. But even if he DID have a prior dating or sexual history before me, I'd be ok with that. It's to be expected. But is it too much to ask that he deals with any unresolved feelings he's had for someone else before getting involved with me? Bc it only leaves me feeling like second best. And no one wants to feel like that.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by maew
    OP why are you so OBSESSED with this girl?? Like what do you feel is missing in the relationship that you need to scrutinize his past relationship with her so closely? And if you were worried about being a rebound, why did you get together with him only 4 months after he broke up with the last one?

    Oh wait I see it now... you think he settled for you. So this isn't about this girl at all... it's about your own insecurities about the relationship. Well at the end of the day you either trust him when he says he wants you in his life or you don't... and if you don't, maybe you need to move on and find someone you do trust.
    Just to be clear, they weren't dating. They had all the symptoms of dating but she didn't want to be with him. So they were just friends that hung out often and he developed feelings for.

    I guess I can't let it go bc I just can't understand why he'd go out of his way to deliberately block her from seeing his posts but not delete her altogether. That indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. Again, it would be different if he just left her there and didn't delete her at all. I wouldn't even be upset that he still kept her. It would show me that he doesn't even think about her. But to make a conscious effort to NOT delete her speaks volumes to me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm going to assume this is something the two of you continue to discuss? Like the events of August 2017, Jan and Feb 2018, remain sore subjects and tense talking points in Feb 2019? Rather than being what they are—the past—they remain very much a present thorn in your dynamic?

    If so, not healthy. At all. Because, big picture: none of it matters.

    It sounds like something happened to you, before him, that made you really, really sensitive to the idea of being used to get over someone. So the fact that he had no prior dating history was, in ways, this big turn on. Except, oh wait, this female friend. What's up with that? What happened with that? No, what really happened with that?

    It's the little scab that keeps getting picked, over and over. And the scab is not really his friendship or his social media or some dark secret he refuses to air out—no, the scab is your own sh*t.

    The irony with this sort of obsessive thinking? It's the thinking—hold on tight—of someone using someone to get over someone. It's the thinking of someone who remains deeply guided by unresolved feelings. Instead of processing your past you're using him to continue living it. Because, I'm sorry, but it is a fact that when we become this obsessed over another it's an extension of something in ourselves that we remain obsessed with.

    I mean, these details you are obsessing over? The "volumes" you are still pouring over? The substance is what? That for nine days he blocked her from seeing posts but didn't delete? Those are the teeniest tiniest potatoes in a bag of small potatoes. It's dying on an anthill, not Mount Everest.

    The single most apocalyptic read on this—that he was still a little flustered by that friendship when you guys became exclusive and couldn't be totally straight forward about it all—is basically humanity and romance 101. Even if that is the truth, it should be shrugged off by this point, long obliterated by the truth of your connection, feelings, and shared history together.

    My feeling, for what it's worth, is that basically anyone I meet is going to have some unresolved feelings for a person or two. A big love. An ex-husband. A shady dude who, dang it, was a great lay and still flutters through the mind and loins from time to time. Ideally these feelings are a low, low simmer—shrug emoji stuff. I'll gauge the level of that simmer not through repeated interrogation but by a gut sense of how I feel about our connection and how its expanding and deepening. So if it's meeting me and falling for me and rolling around with me that puts them on deep forever ice? Fine. Whatever. You can "use" me for that, just a touch, in the beginning. That's basically dating. No one is a clean slate, and thank god for that. It's the dirt, and the scabs, that make us interesting.

    My suspicion here is that, because this guy has no prior history, he thinks it is normal to be subjected to this level of repeated scrutiny by a partner. So just as he may not have the sharpest tools in talking about it all, neither does he have the tools you would have encountered in, say, dating me, which is that I'd have allowed maybe two patient weeks of these scab-picking talks before essentially saying, "I like you a lot and would love to see what we can be, but if this is what we're gonna do, I ain't doing it."

    And in allowing it what's happened is that he's allowed you to indulge in a pathology that doesn't serve you. He is indirectly feeding a line of obsessive thinking that needed resolving before you got involved with him, far more than he needed to resolve whatever was going on with his friend. Because he resolved that a long time ago, you see? He stopped talking to her. He blocked her from seeing his stuff. And then, nine days later, deleted her.

    And that's that, at least in a healthy dynamic. End scene. If it's not the end of the scene for you, a year later, it's time to do some real thinking and work to resolve what's lurking inside of you instead of using a relationship to keep that simmer at a near boil.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How and why do you even know all of these details about his life before you? It's never smart to discuss that stuff. Everyone has a history. Prying into it in order to find piddly stuff to obsess about is the perfect way to make yourself miserable and take a partner down with you.

    Either someone is still involved with an ex lover, or not. That's the extent of learning that's healthy up front at the start of dating. Drilling into details about crushes and unfortunate friendships is messy kid stuff, and it will get you exactly where you are.

    Decide whether you trust your BF and his investment in you, or not. If not, then walk away. If so, then quit policing his social media and enjoy your relationship instead of harming it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Leave the past in the past. If you can't get over his past friends, you may need to move on. He admitted that a long time ago before you were together he had a crush but she turned him down. You are harping on this so much you are destroying your relationship and happiness all by yourself.
    Originally Posted by alexa5207
    he kept her as a friend on social media knowing she was there AFTER we were together. He made a conscious effort to keep her there by specifically blocking her from seeing his posts but didn't delete HER.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by alexa5207
    Just to be clear, they weren't dating. They had all the symptoms of dating but she didn't want to be with him. So they were just friends that hung out often and he developed feelings for.

    I guess I can't let it go bc I just can't understand why he'd go out of his way to deliberately block her from seeing his posts but not delete her altogether. That indicates to me that he still had feelings for her. Again, it would be different if he just left her there and didn't delete her at all. I wouldn't even be upset that he still kept her. It would show me that he doesn't even think about her. But to make a conscious effort to NOT delete her speaks volumes to me.
    I think you need to take what bluecastle wrote, print it, cut it out and post it on every mirror in your home... particularly the part around people having past relationships that they still have feelings for. People can have feelings for an ex without actually wanting to be with that person... or they can have feelings while also accepting that the relationship isn't meant to be.

    You continue to deflect from the truth of your insecurities by focusing on this girl.... the reality is that even if this girl weren't in the picture, you would find something else to worry and obsess over, because you haven't gotten over whatever situation made you this way.

    If you continue to hack on this guy... eventually you will push him out of your life altogether. Because no matter how naive or inexperienced he is, at some point he is going to get sick of having to placate you and your anxiety.

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