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Has anyone ever...?


El0t

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So, like many couples, my partner and I have had the issue of trust come up in some capacity or another. One day, the thought crossed my mind, "What if I created a fake profile to talk to and 'test' my partner?" Obviously, there is a large moral issue with this, and though the thought came to pass, it never was a real consideration; however when looking online I found articles and posts suggesting that this has become an all to common thing with couples with this new digital age of dating and communication.

 

Has anyone here ever done something like that? I'm curious to know what your experience was...

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I did it once but I had good reason.

 

The take away for me was if I ever find myself in that position (that I don't trust my partner for good reason) I will remove myself from the situation before I find myself playing detective games and confirming what I already knew to be true.

 

Has he done anything to deserve this?

 

all to common thing with couples with this new digital age of dating and communication.

 

you can find anything on the internet to support what you want to believe, but it doesn't make it right.

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Yes. Over the course of a month or so, he lied to me 3 times about "working late" when he was really visiting his ex and her kid. We were living together for two of those times. Needless to say, that was a huge issue and nearly ended things. It's not been easy since. I feel like there's been progress, but there's still a long way to go....

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Yes. Over the course of a month or so, he lied to me 3 times about "working late" when he was really visiting his ex and her kid. We were living together for two of those times. Needless to say, that was a huge issue and nearly ended things. It's not been easy since. I feel like there's been progress, but there's still a long way to go....

 

So do you think he is being romantic with his ex? Is it not his child too?

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I kinda did I wasn’t dating her but was trying to at the time. I was 17 I think. I made a fake Snapchat because she said she was only interested in me but I had my doubts.

 

Needless to say I was a complete dummy for doing it lol. Plus I was left wondering what kinda person I was for doing that.

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I’ve never done anything like this, never read an email, a text message, and have a hard rule that should anything like this occur my relationship is over.

 

Like Batya said, if I even felt the need to go there I’d be more inclined to start having real conversations with myself about whether I wanted to stay in the relationship.

 

I assume you have brought these lies up with him? What is his response? And what does your gut tell you about his relationship with his ex?

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Yes. Over the course of a month or so, he lied to me 3 times about "working late" when he was really visiting his ex and her kid. We were living together for two of those times. Needless to say, that was a huge issue and nearly ended things. It's not been easy since. I feel like there's been progress, but there's still a long way to go....

 

So you already know that you're with a partner who lies to you and is still involved with his ex. What would be the point of setting him up after he's already demo'd dishonesty and disloyalty?

 

You don't need to play games with a profile to see what's right in front of you.

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Hmmm. In full transparency I have done it when stalking my ex’s (yikes) and I felt super greasy afterwards. I imagine if I did it in a relationship I would feel even worse.

 

I tend to give people enough rope to hang themselves... if they are being shady it will happen sooner or later .

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Like maew, in that my style is more to giving rope. And if they hang themselves, done deal.

I take time to trust someone, and if it's seriously breached, I'm not the kind to spend a lot of time trying to put it back together .

 

That you are at this point that you are considering a fake profile for your PARTNER, the relationship is hanging already limp as a corpse.

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So, to clarify a couple of things since we're now "into it" I suppose. This incident happened about 6 months ago. The reason I did not up and leave was because, though he lied, I do not believe that there was anything non-platonic happening. The kid is not his, but he helped her raise the kid for 4 years, and he himself had a dad who walked out on him. So, I guess he saw a parallel and felt bad about it. Since me finding out and us talking through things, to my knowledge (which I am quite confident in for this particular matter) they have not been in contact, and that part of his life is a closed door.

 

Obviously, none of the above constitutes lying, but based on the other factors of our relationship, I felt it was worth moving forward and giving things a chance. Nothing is ever a for sure bet, but the fact that this occurred is something that won't just go away or that either of us will "get over" in any short amount of time. Dealing with the uncertainty in the aftermath is more of the issue and how to proceed in a way that's constructive for both parties. Overall, there's been a lot of progress since, but it's just frustrating having no real "assurance" other than the supposed absence of something, if that makes sense.

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I can't see how.a fake profile leads anywhere but to the gutter and if that's where I want to go, I'd rather go without the drama.

 

Seriously though - when I was cheated on, I knew it. We had issues of our own and That was the real issue. The side piece - meh. That was not the problem and proving infidelity through a dishonest trap would have just made it harder to reconcile. We split up anyway; I am glad I can look back and feel honorable about my behavior.

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If you're already thinking about this, it seems that the relationship is over.

 

BTW, what do you expect to accomplish with a fake profile? He might be cheating or not with someone he knows, and might not be interested in cheating with internet women he doesn't know (aka your fake profile).

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I felt it was worth moving forward and giving things a chance.

 

A chance is an investment, not a setup. It's up to you to decide whether you can live with partner's desire to stay involved with the child and trust him to conduct himself in ways that are not disloyal to you. The only platform for that is honesty. So be honest with yourself, first. Decide whether this man's attachment to this child is acceptable to you. If so, then remove any barriers to him seeing the child--and then he won't feel a need to lie to you about it.

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The only platform for that is honesty. So be honest with yourself, first. Decide whether this man's attachment to this child is acceptable to you. If so, then remove any barriers to him seeing the child--and then he won't feel a need to lie to you about it.

 

This.

 

My gut on the situation (just responding to your gut) is that he has no romantic feelings toward the ex but remains attached to the child and wants to be a part of the child's life. And all that is okay, even beautiful, something to be celebrated, not concealed. But he feels "bad" about it all because it's "complicated"—and perhaps because he believes, in his gut, that you can't genuinely handle this truth of his.

 

And so he edits out that truth with a lie—not a lie to hide nefarious behavior, but one to protect you from the parts of him he worries are too much for you (and maybe any woman) and your connection (and maybe romantic connection in general). Everyone we meet and connect with comes with some sh*t; those worries are part of his.

 

These sorts of lies, in my opinion, can be the most destructive. Because what they do is act as an impediment to a deep, honest, authentic connection. If he is downplaying something important in his life, he is, in essence, downplaying himself, showing you only shades rather than the full picture. On the flip side, while you may be frustrated on the surface that he is spending time with an ex and her child, the deeper frustration comes from feeling closed off from his full, authentic self—and it's in that frustration that the mind jumps to some looney thoughts of spying.

 

Not to set a trap so much as to just be closer.

 

But no. Traps are traps, no matter the intention. Spying and deception have never, in the annals of human history, brought two people closer. It's acting from a place of insecurity, paranoia, and control, and as such will only make things more paranoid and insecure. It's like trying to fix a crack in a foundation by blasting it with a hammer instead of carefully treating it with putty.

 

What he likely needs—and the tricky part here is that he may not even know this—is not just someone who will put up with this part of his life but who will value it, and what you need is to ask yourself if that can really be you. There is no wrong answer, only the honest answer.

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  • 4 months later...

Unfortunately he seems to lie to you a lot and is quite untrustworthy. Playing detective, catfishing, etc won't help improve his lack of integrity. Move out and end this.

Over the course of a month or so, he lied to me 3 times about "working late" when he was really visiting his ex and her kid. We were living together for two of those times.
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