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Thread: Unexpected Breakup, handling it poorly, chances he'll come back?

  1. #1

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    Unexpected Breakup, handling it poorly, chances he'll come back?

    My ex and I dated for about a month back in September, when things got deeper and he started to fall harder he ran, breaking up with me the day after our first serious conversation saying he “lost feelings for me”. 3 weeks later he popped back up, randomly sat with me one day at breakfast. After a few days of this I told him I wasn’t ready to be friends because I still had feelings, he said he did too and wanted to try again. After taking some time to think, I agreed.

    October-February things were amazing. We grew so close and spent nearly all of our free time together. He actually was the one who almost seemed more into me than I was into him. He would call/text me all day and hangout with me every free second he had, he was always the one to initiate it.
    Everything was going great. The only thing was he struggled with expressing his emotions and he would also get in distant moods once in a while. A few weeks ago, he told me he loved me for the first time. He was drunk, but when I asked him the next day if he meant it he said that he knew what he was saying when he said it. But then he suddenly got very distant. The next two days he would still come see me, but it was almost more platonic? Like he wouldn’t hug or kiss me or do anything other than lean against my shoulder. I finally asked him what was up and he said we needed to break up, that he lost feelings, basically the same thing as October.

    I was devastated and blindsided, everything had been going so well up until things got serious again, how could he lose feelings two days after allowing himself to finally be vulnerable and tell me he loves me?

    We broke up on a Wednesday and he avoided me the rest of the week, but then randomly sent me a snapchat that weekend (Sunday). Monday he asked to meet up and brought some of my stuff back. I expected him to leave my place after, but he just stayed. I told him I had class, but he sat there quietly like he wanted to say something and just watched me as I packed my bag. We made some small talk, but he still seemed so down. Before he left he hugged me which was odd because he had never been much of a hugger. We had ended things on good terms, there was never begging or pleading or nastiness. So what surprised me after Monday’s encounter was for the rest of that week he totally avoided me, would pull out his phone and look away if he saw me coming.

    But then this past Friday I was eating at breakfast and he randomly sat with me. I was really surprised, but everything was pretty normal, he again was much more quiet than his normal self, but I made sure to be smiling and happy as if everything was fine. We ran into each other a couple more times that day, again totally normal conversation/interaction. And then Saturday he went back to completely avoiding me. He stopped snap chatting me, wouldn’t say hey in passing etc.

    Today I was at breakfast and saw him there for the first time since Friday. He saw me and kind of shrugged at me and then went and sat by himself. This is the part I regret. I stupidly walked over to him before I left and asked if everything was okay because things seemed fine Friday but off again. He was a little dismissive, said “we talked on Friday?” I reminded him and he was like “ohh right, no everything is fine, I just wanted to get some reading done while I ate.” I said “ok good, just wanted to make sure I didn’t do or say something that changed anything” he restated that everything was all good and then I left. I feel like a total idiot right now for not just leaving it alone and staying NC. If things weren’t awkward before I feel like I definitely made them that way now. I probably came off as clingy and needy. How do I recover from this? If it wasn’t for his reappearance Friday I would not have said anything at all today, but I was curious what had changed where we suddenly weren’t talking again.

    I still have hope that he’ll come back, mostly because I do not believe that he lost feelings, and because he came back in October after a nearly identical situation. Also last week (before he reappeared) multiple mutual friends asked me how I was doing and said that he was miserable, sticking to himself most of the time and when he did see friends he was irritable and down(he is normally a very hyper and outgoing person). He told one friend he didn’t know what to do now that he’s single. He said he wasn’t telling anyone about the breakup, so people only knew if they asked him about me. This is not the behavior of someone who is indifferent/lost feelings. I'm his first serious relationship and I think he has intimacy issues so when things get deeper than the light and fluffy stuff, or he's overwhelmed by his feelings, he cuts and runs and blames it on loosing feelings. I’m trying to move on, but I can’t help the gut feeling that he’ll be back again, if I didn’t mess everything up today by acting clingy/needy. What do I do from here?

  2. #2
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    move on. this is now healthy relationships look and feel.
    if he should come back way later (you need a HUGE break from each other.. trust me...) then deal with it then.
    for now, move on. heal. let him heal. no more interaction. don't allow it. not until you are both past each other and no longer emotional about each other.

  3. #3

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    Originally Posted by thisisrichey
    move on. this is now healthy relationships look and feel.
    if he should come back way later (you need a HUGE break from each other.. trust me...) then deal with it then.
    for now, move on. heal. let him heal. no more interaction. don't allow it. not until you are both past each other and no longer emotional about each other.
    I guess I'm just selfishly scared of him moving on in the meantime. I'm having such a hard time letting go where I feel like he lied about losing feelings. It's hard when I feel like the situation can be fixed/worked through. One of our more serious conversations after he said he loved me he asked me how long of a relationship I see this being. He said he was serious about me but sometimes the thought of one person for 4+ years scares him. This was a surprise to me, because he would frequently make little comments throughout our relationship about longer term things like next year and taking a road trip together etc. He said he wasn't putting an expiration date on us, just that he was curious. He also went out of his way to say "a lot of people we know have broken up this week and I do not want to breakup". He said this because within 2 days 4 couples we knew split up. I could see if I was asking him if he was breaking up with me and he said "no" in response to comfort me, but he said that on his own without any prompting from me. Two days after this conversation he broke up with me. (For timeline: he said I love you on Friday, got distant saturday, he was back to normal all day sunday and then sunday night we had this talk, Monday-Tuesday he pulled away and wednesday he ended things.)

    I just don't buy it that he lost feelings, even when one of our friends found out about it and asked him why he ended it he never said he lost feelings, just that there were "many reasons". I feel so lost without him, but I know I need to distance myself or I'm going to make things worse.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    This started out on shaky and ended for the same reasons.
    I can't pretend to know what his deal is, but one thing is for certain - He isn't relationship material.
    Not right now and/or not for you.

    Just know that he isn't going to show up and magically have 2 feet firmly planted on the ground.
    He never has. Because that's what it would take to make a relationship work.

    Unless he deals with whatever is going on with him, consider him gone.
    Be careful for what you wish for, unless you want to sign up for more of the same.

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  6. #5

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    It sucks because to me if he were to show up again it would be worth it, even when I know I can do better. I've been in 2 other serious relationships with some dating in between and I've never felt this way about someone. At least I am comforted by the fact that I have no regrets in this relationship (other than approaching him today which probably seemed needy). I was never clingy or controlling and I loved him as much as he would let me. So at least I don't have any "I should have..." thoughts.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Sometimes we get fooled into making it more than it is. You just compared it to 2 other serious relationships, but I can't help but wonder if there was that same angst of something that is just out of your reach with the other ones, that gives more value than it really does.
    Just something to think about.
    If I look back, those I thought I cared about the most, had this same dynamic.

  8. #7

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    With my previous relationships: I was the one who left the first one after losing interest and the second was mutual (he moved away). With this ex, I think it's that things were getting so good and I had that "ah yes, finally" feeling. I was so happy and so was he, again if anything he's the one who seemed clingy/needy. I'm just trying so hard to process how everything can be great for 5 months and then he loses feelings and drops me within a couple of days? It was completely out of nowhere and everyone was so surprised. If he had been growing distant for weeks I would understand.

    I think I'm also just so hopeful that he'll return because he has in the past. Which I know isn't smart because these issues will only resurface, but despite that I know if he came back today I would stupidly take him back.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by htench
    I think I'm also just so hopeful that he'll return because he has in the past. Which I know isn't smart because these issues will only resurface, but despite that I know if he came back today I would stupidly take him back.
    Most of us have done it. I've done it enough times, I learned my lesson. I can pretty much guarantee you you will do the exact same dance again. Personally, I try to spare myself unnecessary drama.
    Add into this he won't respect you.

    If you were to do the same, pull a rug out from under the same man over and over and despite that he still took you back, you would likely not respect him either. Give that some thought.

    Often times we want them back just to squelch the feelings of disappointment. Not to be confused with taking them back because it's a wise choice.

    If I were you, I wouldn't trust myself and I would block all forms of contact until I felt otherwise.
    Fool me once. . .blah blah blah

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Often times we want them back just to squelch the feelings of disappointment. Not to be confused with taking them back because it's a wise choice.

    If I were you, I wouldn't trust myself and I would block all forms of contact until I felt otherwise.
    Fool me once. . .blah blah blah
    I see what you're saying, I definitely feel like I would take him back to ease the unbearable pain I feel in the short term. As far as cutting contact, this is tricky because we are on a small campus and I have to see him every day unless I actively avoid him which is nearly impossible given we have similar schedules. Also I'm afraid that would put us on bad terms, which for me only makes moving on harder because I'm a "fixer". I definitely won't be initiating any other contact, but if he reaches out to me I know I'm too caring of a person to ignore him.

  11. #10
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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