Having boy time/ girl time in a struggling relationship

We just went through a traumatic event. Long story short, we both cheated oneachother. Somehow we are still together, I want to be with him and so does he with me. We have 3 kids and we are struggling with trust. He told me today two of his guys want to get together at a local bar, he wants me to drop him off and pick him up so I can see where he will be. Should I be ok with him going out like this when in the past he wouldn’t even do things like these with his friends?

Only you know if you think you can trust him. If you drop him off at the bar, what's the odds he'll stay at that bar and not go elsewhere? Maybe he really is trying to regain trust, so perhaps you should be ok with this.

This is the same husband who got another girl pregnant and may leave you and his three kids for her? No wonder there is no trust. OP, without trust, you have nothing. Too much dysfunction in this marriage. Either you both go for marriage counselling, or divorce.

Don't be a chauffeur. Replied in your other thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557514&p=7097633&viewfull=1#post7097633

He told me today two of his guys want to get together at a local bar, he wants me to drop him off and pick him up so I can see where he will be.

Should I be ok with him going out like this when in the past he wouldn’t even do things like these with his friends?

Really, this is the least of your problems, considering that his affair partner might be pregnant. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557514

Being okay (or not) with him going out with his friends for the night won't change the much bigger problems in the marriage. You're worried about the wrong things.

you 2 are struggling... it is completely reasonable that either / both of you would start to spend time and lean on friends for support during this time.

there is no relationship unless there is trust so you MUST trust each other if it's ever going to work out. that starts with what you both do on your own with your own friends.

i would let him go himself without any dependency on you and say, "if this is going to work.. we must trust each other.. so i'm starting that tonight by letting you hang with your friends and not need to prove anything to me." and then of course let him know that if he needs a ride home so he isn't drunk driving or a passenger in a drunk's vehicle - to call you and you'll come get him.

somebody has to be "the adult" first might as well be you.. then just monitor and see if he acts like an adult back and now starts to act trustworthy towards you. and earns your trust back.

if not - time to go

if yes - you just saved your relationship.

Good luck.

Apparently she finally gave us a definite answer that she is not pregnant... it was a relief but at the same time we both made damage that is hard to repair. I have such a hard time trusting him and I’m scared to let go because aside from this I enjoy being with him and I can’t see myself without him but he insists I’m controlling by not being ok with him going out without me, if he has a day off I do call him a lot and if he misses my calls I freak out witch he later gives me a reasonable excuse but deep down I don’t believe it. If I move on what are the chances that someone new in my life won’t cheat? Loyalty is rare these days

then it comes to this.

either you can trust him and repair the relationship.

or you can't trust him, at which there is no relationship and thus you must cut bait.

without trust - there is no relationship.. period. that can't be emphasized enough here.

It's not about cheating. You have an open relationship and were ready to accept his gf and child into your lives. Now there is no child but you still both see others so why pretend you are monogamous?

she finally gave us a definite answer that she is not pregnant... I can’t see myself without him but he insists I’m controlling by not being ok with him going out without me

It's not about cheating. You have an open relationship

I must have missed that part. Where does she say they have an open relationship? :confused:

I must have missed that part. Where does she say they have an open relationship? :confused:

Because they both cheated on each other several times and they were planing how they'd deal with the "mistress" being pregnant.

Because they both cheated on each other several times and they were planing how they'd deal with the "mistress" being pregnant.

Ahh, ok. I had always understood "open" relationships were where both partners discussed and agreed to have an open relationship. Never knew that both partners cheating was classed as "open" relationship. As for planning how to deal with the "pregnant" mistress - well, that's what one would have to do if you need to come to a decision on divorcing or staying married and how to deal with child custody etc.

Unfortunately "open" may be the wrong terminology for this but they both cheat and they both know about it...so for lack of a better term for this. But the bottom line is the same whatever it's called. Policing him is not the solution.

Never knew that both partners cheating was classed as "open" relationship. As for planning how to deal with the "pregnant" mistress - well, that's what one would have to do if you need to come to a decision on divorcing or staying married and how to deal with child custody etc.

Policing him is not the solution.

Oh I totally agree. This marriage is doomed either way (imo), as I said before .... without trust, you have nothing.

Ahh, ok. I had always understood "open" relationships were where both partners discussed and agreed to have an open relationship. Never knew that both partners cheating was classed as "open" relationship. As for planning how to deal with the "pregnant" mistress - well, that's what one would have to do if you need to come to a decision on divorcing or staying married and how to deal with child custody etc.

I don't know but I thought about the term a bit ironically not as an actual relationship. I don't think they had agreed with each other that they could have partners outside the marriage when they cheated on each other.

She obviously doesn't trust him and he maybe doesn't trust her either because she also cheated. This is not about policing him and that won't change anything. This marriage is doomed with infidelity on both sides, not dealing with it, resentment and lack of trust. These issues won't suddenly disappear just because the mistress is not pregnant and she's policing him.

you still need time apart... go hang with the girls