Boyfriend thinks too much what other people think of us

My boyfriend doesn't like showing PDA (e.g. calling each other babe) in front to his friends because two of his friends are single and he feels it will make them feel uncomfortable. We do hold hands in public though and around his friends but that's it. However, he doesn't mind calling me babe or doing pda when we are alone. He thinks and usually thinks of his friends before me and it makes me feel insignificant compared to them. I don't want to make him choose between me and his friends but I often feel like his friends are more important than me. One of his friend has a girlfriend and then are always lovey dovey in front of his friends and calling each other babe, even kissing in front of him and his friends. I just want to feel special from him in front of his friends. I have talked about this with my boyfriend many times but he just said he's not used to it and that he is an awkward person. He admitted today that he was thinking about what i said and that he realized he was prioritizing his friends and their needs over mine. Is there any tips on what we could try?

For background:

We have been together for almost 3 years. He is the quiet type of person.

If he holds your hand when with other people, he is not hiding the relationship, nor ashamed of it. Honestly, i don't want to see other couples kissing in front of me. If we are at their house and one leaves for work and gives the other one a peck, that's fine, but the hanging all over eachother, calling eachother cute names - ick. Get a room. He is not putting his friends needs over yours = he is putting the need to act appropriately in public over your need to swap spit in front of other people to prove anything. It seems that you are more concerned with wanting to be "seen" by people kissing and groping vs him being comfortable to do things in public. to me people who are all over eachother are insecure about their relationship

If he holds your hand when with other people, he is not hiding the relationship, nor ashamed of it. Honestly, i don't want to see other couples kissing in front of me. If we are at their house and one leaves for work and gives the other one a peck, that's fine, but the hanging all over eachother, calling eachother cute names - ick. Get a room. He is not putting his friends needs over yours = he is putting the need to act appropriately in public over your need to swap spit in front of other people to prove anything. It seems that you are more concerned with wanting to be "seen" by people kissing and groping vs him being comfortable to do things in public. to me people who are all over eachother are insecure about their relationship

Thank you for your input. I'm not saying that we need to make out or do anything like that as holding hands is fine for me. But im saying i dont see what's wrong with calling each other nicknames in front of other people. I do feel somewhat insecure due to the history of our relationship. I do understand what you said though.

I wouldn't be very pleased if my partner called me by my nickname in front of other people, because that's something that's intimate and between us - and nobody else's business. I'd find it embarrassing if other people did so, too.

Are you sure it's your boyfriend who thinks too much about what other people think of you? It's just that from your post it sounds like you want him to be more affectionate to you in front of his friends, not because your relationship's lacking in affection per se - but because you want them to see it. He is acting appropriately, and not pushing his friends out. This does not equate to putting his friends ahead of you, at least not in this particular instance.

If you feel insecure due to the history of your relationship, that's a totally different issue and not likely to be resolved by a bit of slug-wrestling in public.

If he holds your hand when with other people, he is not hiding the relationship, nor ashamed of it. Honestly, i don't want to see other couples kissing in front of me. If we are at their house and one leaves for work and gives the other one a peck, that's fine, but the hanging all over eachother, calling eachother cute names - ick. Get a room. He is not putting his friends needs over yours = he is putting the need to act appropriately in public over your need to swap spit in front of other people to prove anything. It seems that you are more concerned with wanting to be "seen" by people kissing and groping vs him being comfortable to do things in public. to me people who are all over eachother are insecure about their relationship

YES ^^^ I dont want to listen to alleged adults calling each other babe, that really sickens me. I dont want to see people pawing each other either. Sure hold hands, give a quick kiss if one of you is leaving, but geezus get a room if you want more than that in public.

Yeah, this is why you want him all over you in front of his friends :

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557495

You have already broken up several times according to this thread you posted yesterday. This is why you feel insecure, not because he isn't pawing at you in front of all his friends.

It's well past time to rethink staying in this relationship.

Does he come from a more refined or conservative culture? Why does he have to hang all over you with pets names etc when people are around? Who are you trying to prove what to?

How old is he? Maybe he respects you too much to slobber all over you in front of his friends. Don't sever him from his friends and make sure you have your own life and friends so you're not hanging around like a third wheel with him and his friends constantly. The more room to breathe you give someone the more they will have a chance to miss you a bit and look forward to seeing you.

My boyfriend doesn't like showing PDA (e.g. calling each other babe) in front to his friends I just want to feel special from him in front of his friends.

My boyfriend doesn't like showing PDA (e.g. calling each other babe) in front to his friends because two of his friends are single and he feels it will make them feel uncomfortable. We do hold hands in public though and around his friends but that's it. However, he doesn't mind calling me babe or doing pda when we are alone. He thinks and usually thinks of his friends before me and it makes me feel insignificant compared to them. I don't want to make him choose between me and his friends but I often feel like his friends are more important than me. One of his friend has a girlfriend and then are always lovey dovey in front of his friends and calling each other babe, even kissing in front of him and his friends. I just want to feel special from him in front of his friends. I have talked about this with my boyfriend many times but he just said he's not used to it and that he is an awkward person. He admitted today that he was thinking about what i said and that he realized he was prioritizing his friends and their needs over mine. Is there any tips on what we could try?

 

For background:

We have been together for almost 3 years. He is the quiet type of person.

I would say its alright. He isn't really prioritizing them over you. He just doesn't want to leave them hanging when you guys are together, since they are single. Also maybe he isn't comfortable with PDA in front of others. Maybe its something you should just accept as he is and not try to change about him, more so since he's nice you when you are together alone and when it matters most. Do you feel PDA is that important to you? It might be a very very private thing for him.

Yeah, this is why you want him all over you in front of his friends :

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557495

 

You have already broken up several times according to this thread you posted yesterday. This is why you feel insecure, not because he isn't pawing at you in front of all his friends.

 

It's well past time to rethink staying in this relationship.

This explains a lot. The relationship itself is not going well and the way he treats you is not that good, and it has nothing to do with PDA.

OP is reposting/retelling her story in order to hear what she wants to hear. Unfortunately, this relationship is awful and she should have dumped this guy a long time ago instead of clinging on and on and tolerating being treated like garbage. OP, stop being a glutton for punishment and stop making excuses for a jerk who cares little about you. Dump him and realize that there really are better guys out there. Don't waste another 3 years on this or even one more week.

.....I know you don't want to hear this.....I hope that you will actually face it and act soon though......

Nicknames and PDA aren't a guarantee that the relationship will work out. According to your previous post your insecurities stem from the fact that he is emotionally unavailable and not ready to commit to you.

Personally speaking... and maybe this is an age thing... I think using someone's actual name is so much more intimate than calling them some random nickname that a thousand other people might use.

Oh just stop it! People behave differently in groups. Save the "babes" for private.

He admitted today that he was thinking about what i said and that he realized he was prioritizing his friends and their needs over mine. Is there any tips on what we could try?

We have been together for almost 3 years. He is the quiet type of person.

This is all about PDA in front of your friends?

I can only assume that everything else is fine and you even added that he is affectionate with you otherwise.

I get this is important to you, but I personally don't see the problem. It makes him uncomfortable to do this.

You yourself said he is a quiet person, so I will assume he is somewhat introverted. It's no mystery that an introvert isn't comfortable with PDA.

I just don't think this is the hill you need to die on.

You don't have to like it but what you do need to do is respect that this is how he feels.

The only alternative is you push him to do something that makes him uncomfortable just to ease your insecurity?

How is that going to feel?

This is all about PDA in front of your friends?

 

I can only assume that everything else is fine and you even added that he is affectionate with you otherwise.

 

I get this is important to you, but I personally don't see the problem. It makes him uncomfortable to do this.

You yourself said he is a quiet person, so I will assume he is somewhat introverted. It's no mystery that an introvert isn't comfortable with PDA.

 

I just don't think this is the hill you need to die on.

You don't have to like it but what you do need to do is respect that this is how he feels.

 

The only alternative is you push him to do something that makes him uncomfortable just to ease your insecurity?

How is that going to feel?

See her other active thread. He's broken up with her multiple times.

if you keep insisting that your bf needs to think and act like you becaus it's what you want and think - you will ultimately lose him.

a relationship is about mutually respecting each other's wants, needs, and perspectives. His is that he is awkward with PDA. You don't have to understand or agree with it - but you SHOULD accept and support it. You whould be willing to find a middle ground and work with HIS comfort zone and schedule to find that middle ground.

An unhealthy and unsuccessful relationships sonds like, "this is what i think and believe.. i can't undrsatnd why he doesn't.. he should be more like me." the key here is "i can't understand why"... if you have no ability, willingness, or interest to understand your partner for who he is- this won't last long.

I would quit making it a big deal, to have to talk to about a lot... and just start with touching him in public.. touching his arm.. touching is shoulders, gently and subtly holding his hands in public WHEN HIS FRIENDS ARE NOT THERE - to help him get used to the idea of touching in public. then as he becomes more comfy (if he does), then start very subtly in front of his friends - little secret touches between you and him... and then as he gets more comfy, a little bit in front of his friends.... again always to HIS comfort zone.

thats how you effect change and get him to meet you somewhere in the middle.

This "i don't understand" non-undersanding preson and "do it my way or you're wrong" attitude - you're going to lose him over it if you keep it up. JUST LIKE he would lose YOU if there was somethign HE was comfy with, but you weren't - and he INSISTED and pushed you to change to be like him and "i can't undersatnd why you don't think and do like me" to you...

So don't do that to him over something he feels uncomfy with like that.

"This is some background to our relationship:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. But in between that time, he broke up with me several times. One of the time was because he was overwhelmed with everything and don't think he can commit to anything right now. Another time we broke up, his answer was because he doesn't feel the love for me anymore and it hurt to hear it. A little after those times, we made up and he told me I'm the one he wants to marry in the future and the one he loves. After those times, my trust for him broke and I felt insecure of this relationship. I'm trying to figure out how to recover from the broken pieces and resume how we were like before. I still struggle with fixing it.

I guess it didn't help that he told his friends the details of our breakup and it made me feel like the bad person. He told his friends negative things of me which I feel made them think differently of me in a bad way. Sometimes we hang out all together and I notice they treat me differently to Lindy. It doesn't help that they are all korean and sometimes speak in their own language that I can't understand and my boyfriend doesnt translate to me what they are talking about. I feel really excluded and insignificant. Jim also talked about getting a house and living together in the future with my boyfriend and their friends, including Lindy. This made me feel so excluded and don't belong because I was part of the plan and my boyfriend has no input on anything his friends say and always go along. Sometimes to the point he considers his friends' and others' feelings over mine and he admitted to this. I don't feel like his priority. I do tell my boyfriend that I feel jealous and bad about his friend's relationship and that I would like if he talked about me or us more to his friends. But nothing changes and I don't know how to deal with it."

Why do you continue with someone who does not love, respect or value you?

Read update so my reply has changed.

Okay..reading Holly's background post...change of reply.

This guy doesn't love you, no wonder you feel like he doesn't care. He has shown you that over and over.

Without going into a long reply, you should have dumped him the second he sat around airing your private business to them.

Seriously, he's not worth it and it sounds like he and his buddies like to semi bully you. End it, you don't deserve to be treated this way from anyone.

Nicknames and PDA aren't a guarantee that the relationship will work out. According to your previous post your insecurities stem from the fact that he is emotionally unavailable and not ready to commit to you.

 

Personally speaking... and maybe this is an age thing... I think using someone's actual name is so much more intimate than calling them some random nickname that a thousand other people might use.

You are right. Maybe to me growing up, my experience is that couples around me would call each other by nicknames like babe, baby, or sweetie so I started seeing that as a loving way to show someone they love you. He is emotionally unavailable so I feel it is part of how I feel about it.

if you keep insisting that your bf needs to think and act like you becaus it's what you want and think - you will ultimately lose him.

a relationship is about mutually respecting each other's wants, needs, and perspectives. His is that he is awkward with PDA. You don't have to understand or agree with it - but you SHOULD accept and support it. You whould be willing to find a middle ground and work with HIS comfort zone and schedule to find that middle ground.

 

An unhealthy and unsuccessful relationships sonds like, "this is what i think and believe.. i can't undrsatnd why he doesn't.. he should be more like me." the key here is "i can't understand why"... if you have no ability, willingness, or interest to understand your partner for who he is- this won't last long.

 

I would quit making it a big deal, to have to talk to about a lot... and just start with touching him in public.. touching his arm.. touching is shoulders, gently and subtly holding his hands in public WHEN HIS FRIENDS ARE NOT THERE - to help him get used to the idea of touching in public. then as he becomes more comfy (if he does), then start very subtly in front of his friends - little secret touches between you and him... and then as he gets more comfy, a little bit in front of his friends.... again always to HIS comfort zone.

 

thats how you effect change and get him to meet you somewhere in the middle.

 

This "i don't understand" non-undersanding preson and "do it my way or you're wrong" attitude - you're going to lose him over it if you keep it up. JUST LIKE he would lose YOU if there was somethign HE was comfy with, but you weren't - and he INSISTED and pushed you to change to be like him and "i can't undersatnd why you don't think and do like me" to you...

 

So don't do that to him over something he feels uncomfy with like that.

He does do pda in public and didn't mind it. I often do adjust to him most times more than he does.

This is all about PDA in front of your friends?

 

I can only assume that everything else is fine and you even added that he is affectionate with you otherwise.

 

I get this is important to you, but I personally don't see the problem. It makes him uncomfortable to do this.

You yourself said he is a quiet person, so I will assume he is somewhat introverted. It's no mystery that an introvert isn't comfortable with PDA.

 

I just don't think this is the hill you need to die on.

You don't have to like it but what you do need to do is respect that this is how he feels.

 

The only alternative is you push him to do something that makes him uncomfortable just to ease your insecurity?

How is that going to feel?

Its not just about the PDA. He does show pda in public when we are around a lot of people.

Yeah, this is why you want him all over you in front of his friends :

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557495

 

You have already broken up several times according to this thread you posted yesterday. This is why you feel insecure, not because he isn't pawing at you in front of all his friends.

 

It's well past time to rethink staying in this relationship.

I agree. I believe it's why i felt that way also, not because of the pda. I guess I wanted to feel secure with him and didn't get that from him and he doesn't know how to give me that.

I agree. I believe it's why i felt that way also, not because of the pda. I guess I wanted to feel secure with him and didn't get that from him and he doesn't know how to give me that.

a secure person doesn't have to "display" their relationship to friends and strangers with pda.

a secure person doesn't have to "display" their relationship to friends and strangers with pda.

You're right

You don't feel secure because you're with the wrong guy, OP.

The right guy for you won't break up with you multiple times. I'm not sure what's causing these repeated break-ups but it's a sign you two are very likely not going to last. Engaging in PDA - or not - will not do much to soothe your fears, ultimately.

The real problem is that he has shown you several times that he's not invested in you and doesn't share the feelings you do.