I think I royally screwed things up

Hey guys, I think I screwed up irreparably. So, at the constant prodding of my friends (most of whom are in long-term committed relationships with people they matched online), I finally decided to be proactive and give it a go. I matched with someone a few weeks ago and we've been talking most days since. We also have been out together twice, and both times were really great.

This weekend we had planned for me to go to his place where we'd cook together (to save on money and because I'm vegan) and we'd watch a movie, instead of going out. He's also been suffering terrible hey fever which is playing up, so indoors is safer. In the interim, I had the sudden idea to invite him out for what would have been tonight to have a drink and he added eating and live music. It was all set and we were both looking forward to it.

The issue came when he suddenly changed his tone and style of interaction last night. He had always been one sort of way to me and because I am still learning who he is, I didn't realise this was just another aspect of him when he becomes more comfortable with someone. He suddenly went from being very gentle and sweet and mature to being lively with quick wit that seemed very "bro-like". I picked up on this and interpreted it to be him perhaps wanting to establish more of a friendship vibe than a romantic one. I was confused by what it meant. He's not western and in his culture it is very difficult for people to outright reject someone. So...for whatever reason, I became anxious and did perhaps the worst thing one could do and sabotaged myself (not intentionally of course), by letting him know that I could see he wasn't interested after all and thanks for the lovely dates we did go on. I wished him luck. I don't know why the heck I did that when he had said he was looking forward to seeing me prior to that. But I stopped believing him when he became friend-like. I wasn't expecting the sudden shift in dynamic and it threw me.

So, I was surprised when he was super surprised at my statement. And he asked me why I did that. I explained myself and my thinking and he explained himself and his thinking. Turns out he just becomes this way when he's happy. Any guy who has treated me like that in the past has been trying to move the relationship to a friendship...I just assumed. I did try asking before assuming but I didn't want to come on strongly like that after only 2 dates and a few weeks of interacting.

Anyways, of course this changed the whole positive energy between us and I didn't expect to hear from him again. Surprisingly, this morning I did. He remembered I had an important presentation to give and wished me luck. But he was no longer his carefree self and instead a bit guarded. Me, having felt bitterly disappointed at having botched up a potential thing with someone I was beginning to really like, apologised for the misunderstanding and we exchanged a few more words that were positive, If somewhat reserved. I asked him if he was still interested in carrying on with our plan for tomorrow - just to make sure that it was indeed cancelled or not. He replied several hours later saying that instead he thinks it's best to meet up for a drink on the weekend (which effectively also cancelled our weekend plan). He said that believe it or not, he really likes seeing me and that I was charming but he's no longer up for meeting and drinks tomorrow. I asked (for confirmations sake) about the movie thing at his place (which was going to be the first time I would have been going there) and he said he felt it best to go out rather than stay in. Which is fair enough. So, I let him know that if he's uncomfortable with me now then I can respect that and he doesn't have to feel obligated to meeting with me at all if that's the case and I would completely understand. So, to that he said that he wants to take it step by step and he's not saying never to revisiting our old plan at some point. He then ended with saying that he's learned I become abit nervous at this time of night (which isn't usually the case,I've just had a bit of a rough time recently) and that he wishes me a peaceful sleep and a smiley face and letting me know he'd "see" (meaning talk) with me again tomorrow. I feel like I'm on probation. I'm not sure how to proceed other than just meet for drinks and be myself and not dwell on the misunderstanding. I let him off the hook with seeing me again but he didn't take it. But I think I've already botched it up too much at this point. Advice?

Hi. Please don't take this the wrong way but I think you're over thinking this waaay too much. It's so early in your "relationship" that you should just be enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other. Don't worry about where it's going and if you've said the wrong thing. If he's the kind of guy you'd want to be in a relationship with, he'll be kind and forgiving. If he's not, you're better off knowing now. Just relax and have a good time. Don't worry about what he's thinking or what you're saying or any of that. Just relax, be yourself and if he likes you, cool. If not, it's his loss, right? Don't be so hard on yourself!

Hi, thanks for your reply. Yeah, I'd not classify it at this stage as anything other than casually seeing each other. Two dates barely even qualifies as dating. I guess I've just been out of the "game" way too long (going on 6 years) and I'm feeling a little unsettled.

I guess from this point I should just put it behind me and if we see each other again just be myself and look forward. I recently lost my mother and I've been a bit sensitive to things these days.

This is way too much too soon after 2 dates. Relax and stop forcing this to be a full on relationship replete with drawn out relationship talks after a first meet and a first date.

Back off, don't use preemptive strikes or defensive maneuvering. Relax, either it will progress or not. What's the rush to get to the netflix and chill stage? Keep in mind it's been a few weeks and only 2 dates so the interest level seems quite low to begin with. Keep your options open until you see more mutual interest. Pull back a bit, keep dating others (as he probably is) and pay more attention to actualy in person dates than text convos.

I matched with someone a few weeks ago and we've been talking most days since. We also have been out together twice

 

This weekend we had planned for me to go to his place where we'd cook together (to save on money and because I'm vegan) and we'd watch a movie, instead of going out.

This is way too much too soon after 2 dates. Relax and stop forcing this to be a full on relationship replete with drawn out relationship talks after a first meet and a first date.

That wasn't what I was going for in any way, shape, or form and had I not been thrown off by his sudden change, I'd never had said anything at all in the first place. I'm looking to get to know him better and see where it goes because I think it has potential, but even I wouldn't be comfortable with it being anything serious right now. So no, I'm not looking for or wanting this to be a full on relationship by any stretch at this stage. I genuinely got confused with how to respond to that change and that's what prompted me to say what I did. And I realise I'd asked for clarity in a way that I shouldn't have because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I have backed off and left things alone. The casual drink was my idea and his had been the movie at home and the cooking. Thanks for the advice, I'll take it on board.

Good call. That's a better choice for a third date.

The casual drink was my idea and his had been the movie at home and the cooking.

I just think you're too much work and drama especially this early on. Now he feels like he's walking on eggshells of course. Go for the drink -be breezy and lighthearted and fun. Do not mention anything at all about the past - move on from it. That is your best chance of him deciding to start over with a clean slate and give you another chance. I was in a similar situation where the guy acted like you and I was done - there were other flags too but I wasn't up for all that drama that early on (and we met through a personal ad I think ,way back then). It also had to do with how he behaved in my home, the first time he'd been there, third or fourth date.

Break up the word assume and you have a$$ u me. Get the idea?

It's EXTREMELY rare that making a decision about what to do based an assumption about someone else's behavior will go well, particularly when starting out in a relationship. You were triggered based on past experiences and allowed the feelings that came up to dictate what you do and how you perceive a person that may or may not be totally different. This isn't fair to either of you and he is right to be cautious... this may have indeed killed his vibe of wanting to pursue a relationship with you.

Spend more time observing behavior instead of acting impulsively based on a feeling... learn to view each person as a separate individual that deserves the opportunity to be assessed for who they are not lumped in with everyone else.

here is what's going on here: you are a rather insecure person when it comes to dating/relationships and you're not able to get out of your own way in dating with those insecurities. and yes you are self-sabotaging to create your own "exit" only to afterweards find a way to make yourself believe it is the other person that made it not work.

you need to stop that.

figure out why you are insecure and deal with it. resolve it. this guy did nothing wrong and a lot of things right - but you coudln't help yourself anyway to create your "alibi out" just incase so you didn't have to deal with rejection.

stop acting this way or you'll lose him for good. you're close to it already.

I just think you're too much work and drama especially this early on. Now he feels like he's walking on eggshells of course. Go for the drink -be breezy and lighthearted and fun. Do not mention anything at all about the past - move on from it. That is your best chance of him deciding to start over with a clean slate and give you another chance. I was in a similar situation where the guy acted like you and I was done - there were other flags too but I wasn't up for all that drama that early on (and we met through a personal ad I think ,way back then). It also had to do with how he behaved in my home, the first time he'd been there, third or fourth date.

This.

You have met him in person twice, and you're complaining about his sudden change behaviour? OP, you don't know this guy well enough to know what his usual behaviour even is. Give him a chance to show you, rather than leap to the conclusion that you somehow know what his deal is and can read his mind. You barely know the man.

In other words, chill out. I don't know if this one is reparable, but if you still want to give it a shot, understand that your lens for seeing the world is strongly influenced by your past experiences (most of ours are, being human) but it just might be faulty. Don't try to tell other people what they think and feel. If you are unsure, ask.

So, I let him know that if he's uncomfortable with me now then I can respect that and he doesn't have to feel obligated to meeting with me at all if that's the case and I would completely understand.

This is the stuff to let go of. It's way too much work--for both of you. You're not only overthinking to talk yourself into misinterpreting someone else's behavior, you're making it as difficult as possible for him to let you off the hook.

Quit creating an obstacle course. Either you can trust someone to operate at face value, or you're not ready to date.

If you find yourself overthinking, bring it here, and stop yourself from responding to your own inventions until you work it through.

I was going to copy the text but instead I'll just point out what others have caught as well.

At least 4 times you prompted him for reassurance.

You think in catastrophic terms, do preemptive strikes and that forcefully sets him to reassure you, not once but several times.

You can't read his mind so if you have to fill in the blank, fill it in with something positive. If you aren't confident, try to fake it. Most of all don't drain this man that you hardly know and only after having had two dates. It's a sure fire way to scare him off.

Break up the word assume and you have a$$ u me. Get the idea?

 

I CHOKED lmao

But yes, relax and enjoy. This is too much drama and work for the beginning stages.

Advice?

Stop thinking so much. Go for the drinks and enjoy yourself. Stop analysing and second guessing. It's not as complicated as you're making it.

It had been a pretty rough week for me when I posted this thread. I, unfortunately, suffer from severe insomnia and at the time I talked to him (and also when I posted this thread), I hadn't had sleep for nearly 3 days and it was some ridiculous time in the early morning I think (the little sleep I had had before this spell I'd had I dreamed about my mother passing away over and over - which I've never dreamed of before). My judgement was fairly impaired to say the least. I'm usually not like that with people and least of all with someone I'm only just beginning to date - usually I'm the one holding back completely when it comes to dating and taking things very slowly.

In any case, I got some sleep, got my perspective back and I think what I wrote here made it sound way more dramatic and serious than what actually transpired. We ended up going out again as planned and it was really light and fun. No drama. We only exchange a message or two in the evenings and have another date planned for the weekend, which will be the 4th date. Nice and slow.

I was scared to come back and read the possible replies to this thread because I must have sounded like an unbalanced psycho. The few occasions I have posted on ENA is usually at incredibly high stressed moments where I've tried to deal with things quietly on my own for weeks or even months and then it all comes out. Sorry guys. If you have read any of my other posts you might already know I've been through some big changes recently - mother passing away, moving to a new country, beginning a high stressed university degree, transitioning from being the university lecturer to now being the student, and for the past 2 months I've been going through an ongoing allergic reaction the doctors haven't been able to identify the cause of. Perhaps dating isn't ideal at this time as a result.

But, I do own my flaws. I have a tendency to overthink anything when under certain pressures. I pull away from people a lot and keep to myself as I don't trust easily. And I have a conditioned response to believe that no one would ever like me once they get to know me. It isn't true, but 30 years of your father and sisters telling you that is hard to fall to better logic and reasoning. It isn't an excuse though and I've been working with the counsellors at Cambridge to overcome these things. Sorry all for the original post. If I could delete it I would, because I'm fairly embarrassed.

There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Lotus.

You’re human. You can’t expect to have the answers and everything figured out 100% of the time.

We all have quirks and foibles and slip up every now and then.

You came here to get some feedback - nothing wrong with that.

That said, you’re being too hard on yourself.

I think it’s safe to say that all of us here on ENA signed-up because we were looking for answers, because we don’t have it all figured out and we either need to vent, ask for advice or seek clarity.

Your situation is no different, and in all honesty, what happened is not that big of a deal!

You sound self-aware, which is great. This situation I’m sure was a learning experience for you as well.

I’m glad to hear you guys had a good time together and hope your next date is just as fun.

Just remember to give yourself a break. None of us here have this life thing figured out.

We’re all just learning as we go.

I don't think deleting the post is a good idea other than you wish you could. This post is informative for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation or with similar responses and reactions. In other words, it helps people. One thing you need to do is -not- text or email anything serious if you're in a state - okay to do it here at ENA because it can be therapeutic and keeps you from "drunk dialing" (insomnia dialing) someone else...-anyone-, not just your guy. I'm sure every person on this board has texted or called while in an emotional state, drunk, impaired...and it didn't go well.

I'm glad to hear things are more normal.

nothing at all to be embarrassed about!!

 

But, I do own my flaws. I have a tendency to overthink anything when under certain pressures. I pull away from people a lot and keep to myself as I don't trust easily. And I have a conditioned response to believe that no one would ever like me once they get to know me. It isn't true, but 30 years of your father and sisters telling you that is hard to fall to better logic and reasoning. It isn't an excuse though and I've been working with the counsellors at Cambridge to overcome these things. Sorry all for the original post. If I could delete it I would, because I'm fairly embarrassed.

Bah, I love flaws. If I didn't have my flaws I would be soooooooo boring. Embrace your flaws, love them. Sometimes as humans we feel pressure to get everything right, all the time. Sorry, at my age my flaws might bother other people, but I'm not on the Earth to appeal to everyone. There are some flaws we have to keep in check for our self interests. I really can't lose my patience with my boss, I can't really wear my girlfriend's underwear because all of mine are dirty. There is a line I draw. I determine the line. And if a flaw has been with me a long time, it just becomes an annoying friend. Yeah, sure it can cause a problem. But it's with you, accept it. People close to you will never worry about a few flaws. And the people not close to you can kiss your ***.

Don't feel embarrassed. Don't be hard on yourself, there's a whole world out there that wants to be hard on you, don't make yourself one.

Learn the difference between excuse and reason. Being bullied for 30 years is a reason, not an excuse.

You'll be fine.

Thanks @Milly @purple @Batya @Sportster and all who replied (and who shared bits of their own stories or selves). I was feeling a little regretful because some commented that I was hard work and dramatic and I guess what I said was exactly that, but in general I'm pretty laid back, so the comment stung me a bit. I felt a bit roasted. But, that's okay. I appreciate people giving me their honest opinions and I do take on board advice and feedback, even if it hurts because I'm sure it's valid even for only specific moments rather than my general character - it still applies in those instances.

This is the first person I've dated in nearly 6 years and I've also not been intimate in any way with anyone in all that time either, so I think all this and the factors I mentioned in my previous comment all played a part in my insecurity in that moment, as other than that one exchange with this guy all our conversations and dates have been very relaxed and unassuming.

I'm fortunate because he must have realised that and made the comment that he understood I must have been having a moment. He handled it really well and just moved on with things, treating me with consideration and sensitivity appropriately, but not walking on eggshells. In fact, I found the lesson in this quite valuable and it taught me something about our communication and that we could defuse it quickly and calmly. We talked it over and moved on and it hasn't affected any of communication and interaction since other than improving it actually. So, that's positive.

I'm glad it worked out and I think others might have moved on and that would have been understandable IMO because of how you described what occurred. It depends on the individual person. People are entitled to date who they wish and in the beginning especially when things are fragile and connections are newly developing people make decisions if they notice a red or nearly red flag. It doesn't make them any less sensitive or appropriate - that person may just know that dating is now no longer on the table but they'd be happy to hang out as friends, etc. In his particular case he weighed the pros and cons and would like to give things a chance so it's all good.

I'm glad it worked out and I think others might have moved on and that would have been understandable IMO because of how you described what occurred./QUOTE]

 

Yeah, I agree - people are entitled to move on when they noticed something that doesn't quite gel and so wouldn't have blamed him either had he chosen to. Fortunately it had been an isolated incident so he was more open to just moving past it.

 

I did show a couple of my girlfriends the message I sent to him (for perspective on my behaviour). They don't tend to sugarcoat things, so harsh or not, I knew I would get the truth. But, they didn't see too much wrong with it really and said more that I was being just too self critical, like I apologise for my existence almost or that I feel regretful for subjecting people to me as I felt far worse about it than warranted or that he'd have even thought on. And that's true. I do feel like that and mostly just because of the things my father and sisters would say to me growing up. My mother even made me promise her before she passed that I wouldn't listen to them in the future. She was quite worried about that. I do know this is something I need to work on and I am receiving help to change this mindset because it's destructive and I'm not a child anymore; I don't need to buy into what is said. But, it's a slow process and I've found it hard to be kind to myself now that my mother is gone. But, onwards and upwards! I've learned a lot from this actually. Thank you for your 2 cents :-)

It's all about typed words so we do our best giving input. I am sorry you had such a hard childhood. Mine was very difficult too. I think it's extremely important to remind yourself constantly that you are an adult. You make your own choices. You can minimize the effect of what happened to you as a child because now you are an adult, and what I would do is practice as much as possible being responsible and accountable for all of your choices to the extent possible. Make that your default. If therapy is needed, do it. If work on your insomnia issues are needed (wow I've had to do a ton of work on that!) is needed, do it. Resist the musing about your past and how it informs your choices now. Maybe it does but it's holding you back.

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

All I can say is, I wouldn’t be sharing a room with someone I barely know.

I say getting two rooms is the best bet.

Driving there both days, which would mean four hours on the road per day, seems like a lot.

If I can suggest, because we see way too many threads on this topic, don’t compromise wanting to take things slow because you get caught up in the moment. The minute you compromise, is exactly when you’ll be back here on ENA regretting being intimate too soon.