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Thread: Any way to salvage this?

  1. #1
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    Any way to salvage this?

    Had a few great dates w a guy I met online (me: mid-30s; him: early 40s) During pillow talk after making out (no sex), we were talking about the last time we had sex with someone and I found out that he has been going on dates with someon else non-exclusively for a couple of months (they are sleeping together exclusively though) and that right now he isnít looking for a serious relationship (because he recently got out of one). I told him Iím looking for someone who is dating with the intention of finding a real/serious relationship (I stressed that I didnít know if I wanted a relationship with him yet though as too early). He suggested we stay in touch and see what happens as he doesnít know how he will feel a few months from now about a serious relationship. I said prob not a good idea bc I didnít want to get more invested in someone who doesnít want the same things. He left. The next morning I regretted my reaction bc I realize everyone multi-dates at first. I texted him that I didnít feel great about the way I acted or how we left things and that the conversation was premature. I also told him that Iíd be in his city next weekend and would like to see him if heís up for it. He wrote a long response basically saying that honesty is always a good thing, that we are on different pages right now, and that both deserve a situation that works for us. He also said he would be out of town next weekend but that he would love to stay in touch if Iím up for it. I replied that yes Iíd like to stay in touch and thanked him for being honest. He replied that heís really glad to hear is to stay in touch. However, Im confused: I thought my text made it clear that I am ok w/ casual for now, so why hasnít he asked to see me again? Is there any way to salvage this- I feel quite silly and regret the intense conversation because I felt a real connection with this guy.

  2. #2
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    Typo: He replied that heís really glad to hear that I would like to stay in touch

  3. #3
    Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    So, you don't mind dating someone who's been sleeping with someone else? Am I missing something here?

  4. #4
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    Nope. I would let him go. NOT everyone multidates. Lots of people meet someone, go out on a few dates and cut bait if it doesn't click and meets someone else. OR they have coffee dates with multiple, second dates, etc, with multiple but don't multi date to the point of having sex with anyone. They pair off when someone is interesting to them. You only regretted what you said because the guy did not match your feelings of what you wanted. I think if a guy is seeing multiple people and doesn't immediately decide to cut them loose to just date you because you are what he is looking for/you really peak his interest, then i would move on and find someone else. A guy that is seeing multiple people and making out with or having sex with them, they don't match my dating style and they can go.

    I think that you should cool off with him and have coffee or lunch with others you match with if you are online dating. He is already exclusively sleeping with someone else -- don't waste your time

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by kathy82
    Typo: He replied that heís really glad to hear that I would like to stay in touch
    Don't stay in touch. Don't call or write him because he knows he can use you for backup sex. If you run into him by chance in six months, that's one thing, but i never continued dating a guy who wasn't looking for what i was looking for. There are more fish in the sea.

    He is not contacting you because you said you want a serious relationship and then backed off and said "i am okay with casual" just because he said he was.
    you are NOT okay with casual. Do not alter what you want just to be a guy's second choice. And honestly, if a guy is sleeping with someone regularly like that, he is only trying for backup sex.

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    You stated that your goal is serious, but you don't expect a ring on the finger immediately. I think most of us would interpret this to mean, extramarital sex is fine, but there has to be a common end-game...no casual or FWB...there's a goal.

    This guy let you know he's boinking at least one other woman, and you seriously want to sign up for this??

    He's going to keep you hooked up, if he thinks he can get you bedded, but in no way, shape, or form, are you going to be his princess and wife and mother of this children. He'll enjoy you and bumping uglies, and then he'll move on.

    He flopped his sexual conquests on the table from the start...that should have had you running...but...men like this are exceptionally charming and able to daze you into some idea that you will be different...and you want to be around them. This is their charm. They get what they want.

    Don't be dazzled by this guy. He's not long-term material, and he'll shred you, even if you tell yourself casual is okay.

    Look at you...you don't expect a ring and a wedding immediately, but you have a goal, and you want exclusive...and you have somehow reduced yourself to accepting something casual from a guy who told you he's actively boinking some other chick...actively...like tonight or tomorrow; he's going to be in this woman's bed, or she will be in his bed...naked...parts going in places...and there might be more than one woman.

    Can you please step back and evaluate what you're doing here?

    STOP! Please stop. He's charming and wonderful and he's bad news six ways to Tuesday.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you pursue this, you'll get hurt.

    This:
    Originally Posted by kathy82
    right now he isnít looking for a serious relationship.
    Is in direct conflict with this:
    Originally Posted by kathy82
    I told him Iím looking for someone who is dating with the intention of finding a real/serious relationship

  9. #8
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's a no brainer, you can't make or force him to want a serious relationship with you. Best be movin on.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by kathy82
    Had a few great dates w a guy I met online (me: mid-30s; him: early 40s) During pillow talk after making out (no sex), we were talking about the last time we had sex with someone and I found out that he has been going on dates with someon else non-exclusively for a couple of months (they are sleeping together exclusively though) and that right now he isnít looking for a serious relationship (because he recently got out of one).

    I thought my text made it clear that I am ok w/ casual for now, so why hasnít he asked to see me again? Is there any way to salvage this- I feel quite silly and regret the intense conversation because I felt a real connection with this guy.
    So, you've get this real connection with a man who is sleeping exclusively with another woman? Is that how it works these days? You're nothing but someone for him to spend his free time with when he's not sleeping with his main woman.

    Yes, you can be casual, but what is your objective in all of this? Your life is being dictated to by another woman. It looks like you're just looking for a penpal. Are you some type of "backup plan", hoping that he leaves the other woman? As far as this honesty stuff, he's full of it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Its probably best to let this one go.

    He did you a favor and was very adult about everything, the truth is you arent ok with casual, but you were willing to compromise your boundaries to keep him. BAD idea. I think he recognized that and instead of leading you on for months, hes setting you free to find someone you're more compatible with. View it as a blessing. If he tries to come back? Then run!

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