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Any way to salvage this?


kathy82

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Had a few great dates w a guy I met online (me: mid-30s; him: early 40s) During pillow talk after making out (no sex), we were talking about the last time we had sex with someone and I found out that he has been going on dates with someon else non-exclusively for a couple of months (they are sleeping together exclusively though) and that right now he isn’t looking for a serious relationship (because he recently got out of one). I told him I’m looking for someone who is dating with the intention of finding a real/serious relationship (I stressed that I didn’t know if I wanted a relationship with him yet though as too early). He suggested we stay in touch and see what happens as he doesn’t know how he will feel a few months from now about a serious relationship. I said prob not a good idea bc I didn’t want to get more invested in someone who doesn’t want the same things. He left. The next morning I regretted my reaction bc I realize everyone multi-dates at first. I texted him that I didn’t feel great about the way I acted or how we left things and that the conversation was premature. I also told him that I’d be in his city next weekend and would like to see him if he’s up for it. He wrote a long response basically saying that honesty is always a good thing, that we are on different pages right now, and that both deserve a situation that works for us. He also said he would be out of town next weekend but that he would love to stay in touch if I’m up for it. I replied that yes I’d like to stay in touch and thanked him for being honest. He replied that he’s really glad to hear is to stay in touch. However, Im confused: I thought my text made it clear that I am ok w/ casual for now, so why hasn’t he asked to see me again? Is there any way to salvage this- I feel quite silly and regret the intense conversation because I felt a real connection with this guy.

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Nope. I would let him go. NOT everyone multidates. Lots of people meet someone, go out on a few dates and cut bait if it doesn't click and meets someone else. OR they have coffee dates with multiple, second dates, etc, with multiple but don't multi date to the point of having sex with anyone. They pair off when someone is interesting to them. You only regretted what you said because the guy did not match your feelings of what you wanted. I think if a guy is seeing multiple people and doesn't immediately decide to cut them loose to just date you because you are what he is looking for/you really peak his interest, then i would move on and find someone else. A guy that is seeing multiple people and making out with or having sex with them, they don't match my dating style and they can go.

 

I think that you should cool off with him and have coffee or lunch with others you match with if you are online dating. He is already exclusively sleeping with someone else -- don't waste your time

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Typo: He replied that he’s really glad to hear that I would like to stay in touch

 

Don't stay in touch. Don't call or write him because he knows he can use you for backup sex. If you run into him by chance in six months, that's one thing, but i never continued dating a guy who wasn't looking for what i was looking for. There are more fish in the sea.

 

He is not contacting you because you said you want a serious relationship and then backed off and said "i am okay with casual" just because he said he was.

you are NOT okay with casual. Do not alter what you want just to be a guy's second choice. And honestly, if a guy is sleeping with someone regularly like that, he is only trying for backup sex.

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You stated that your goal is serious, but you don't expect a ring on the finger immediately. I think most of us would interpret this to mean, extramarital sex is fine, but there has to be a common end-game...no casual or FWB...there's a goal.

 

This guy let you know he's boinking at least one other woman, and you seriously want to sign up for this??

 

He's going to keep you hooked up, if he thinks he can get you bedded, but in no way, shape, or form, are you going to be his princess and wife and mother of this children. He'll enjoy you and bumping uglies, and then he'll move on.

 

He flopped his sexual conquests on the table from the start...that should have had you running...but...men like this are exceptionally charming and able to daze you into some idea that you will be different...and you want to be around them. This is their charm. They get what they want.

 

Don't be dazzled by this guy. He's not long-term material, and he'll shred you, even if you tell yourself casual is okay.

 

Look at you...you don't expect a ring and a wedding immediately, but you have a goal, and you want exclusive...and you have somehow reduced yourself to accepting something casual from a guy who told you he's actively boinking some other chick...actively...like tonight or tomorrow; he's going to be in this woman's bed, or she will be in his bed...naked...parts going in places...and there might be more than one woman.

 

Can you please step back and evaluate what you're doing here?

 

STOP! Please stop. He's charming and wonderful and he's bad news six ways to Tuesday.

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Had a few great dates w a guy I met online (me: mid-30s; him: early 40s) During pillow talk after making out (no sex), we were talking about the last time we had sex with someone and I found out that he has been going on dates with someon else non-exclusively for a couple of months (they are sleeping together exclusively though) and that right now he isn’t looking for a serious relationship (because he recently got out of one).

 

I thought my text made it clear that I am ok w/ casual for now, so why hasn’t he asked to see me again? Is there any way to salvage this- I feel quite silly and regret the intense conversation because I felt a real connection with this guy.

 

So, you've get this real connection with a man who is sleeping exclusively with another woman? Is that how it works these days? You're nothing but someone for him to spend his free time with when he's not sleeping with his main woman.

 

Yes, you can be casual, but what is your objective in all of this? Your life is being dictated to by another woman. It looks like you're just looking for a penpal. Are you some type of "backup plan", hoping that he leaves the other woman? As far as this honesty stuff, he's full of it.

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Its probably best to let this one go.

 

He did you a favor and was very adult about everything, the truth is you arent ok with casual, but you were willing to compromise your boundaries to keep him. BAD idea. I think he recognized that and instead of leading you on for months, hes setting you free to find someone you're more compatible with. View it as a blessing. If he tries to come back? Then run!

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Why bother trying to salvage this? What is there to salvage, really?

 

The great connection you feel isn't mutual. He likes you well enough to hang out and sleep together sometimes, but isn't in it for the same reasons you are. It was actually a good thing that you both realized you want different things from this. You were hoping to stay in touch with the goal of possibly heading toward a relationship. He doesn't want a relationship. So staying in touch would mean that, yes, you date each other but he would also continue to date and sleep with others.

 

I would let this one go and keep looking. He isn't the guy for you.

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Had a few great dates w a guy I met online (me: mid-30s; him: early 40s) During pillow talk after making out (no sex), we were talking about the last time we had sex with someone and I found out that he has been going on dates with someon else non-exclusively for a couple of months (they are sleeping together exclusively though) and that right now he isn’t looking for a serious relationship (because he recently got out of one). I told him I’m looking for someone who is dating with the intention of finding a real/serious relationship (I stressed that I didn’t know if I wanted a relationship with him yet though as too early). He suggested we stay in touch and see what happens as he doesn’t know how he will feel a few months from now about a serious relationship. I said prob not a good idea bc I didn’t want to get more invested in someone who doesn’t want the same things. He left. The next morning I regretted my reaction bc I realize everyone multi-dates at first. I texted him that I didn’t feel great about the way I acted or how we left things and that the conversation was premature. I also told him that I’d be in his city next weekend and would like to see him if he’s up for it. He wrote a long response basically saying that honesty is always a good thing, that we are on different pages right now, and that both deserve a situation that works for us. He also said he would be out of town next weekend but that he would love to stay in touch if I’m up for it. I replied that yes I’d like to stay in touch and thanked him for being honest. He replied that he’s really glad to hear is to stay in touch. However, Im confused: I thought my text made it clear that I am ok w/ casual for now, so why hasn’t he asked to see me again? Is there any way to salvage this- I feel quite silly and regret the intense conversation because I felt a real connection with this guy.

 

Let it go. You want a relationship. Don't settle for casual sex in the hopes it will work out for you. It won't.

He suggested we stay in touch and see what happens as he doesn’t know how he will feel a few months from now about a serious relationship.

 

Stop falling for this crap ladies. As a former a***hole let me translate.

 

"I'm happy to string you along for sex until I tire of it, or you figure out my scam and move on."

 

Just stop. If he doesn't want you know, he's not going to magically want you at some future time. You can take that to the bank.

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Let it go. You want a relationship. Don't settle for casual sex in the hopes it will work out for you. It won't.

 

 

Stop falling for this crap ladies. As a former a***hole let me translate.

 

"I'm happy to string you along for sex until I tire of it, or you figure out my scam and move on."

 

Just stop. If he doesn't want you know, he's not going to magically want you at some future time. You can take that to the bank.

 

Let the choir sing!

 

This indecision comfort blanket is a noose in diguise.

 

I don’t think it had anything to do with you or bad timing he simply doesn’t want what you want.

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Of course he's going to say that..it sounds great to someone like you. Meanwhile he's banging some woman and telling you he's not sure.

 

I wouldn't be thinking he's someone to be counting on.

 

No doubt he will play around until he's old and no one wants him anymore, then magically he'll settle down. But he's no where close to that now.

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So do you think this was an issue of timing or just not that into me?

 

Its not timing - he wants something different than you do.

He wants to be uncommitted and wants to date multiple women.

Bad timing would be is if his job was relocating him in 2 months, he just found out today a parent died, or if he was too fresh out of a breakup.

When a guy is ready to settle down, he looks for a wife, he doesn't pick one of the 6 women he is dating (because who wants to settle down with a woman who is content multidating and the qualities he chooses for someone to go out with every now and again is different than a life partner).

 

Oh - he was into you - he made out with you and was hot for your bod --- but he was also being honest.

 

Honestly, it really gets me how women really want an honest man and then when they are honest they try to either not believe them or try to change themselves to stay in the mix. DOn't be that desparate.

 

There is a great guy out there who dates one woman at a time -- asks one out, goes out for as many dates necessary to see if she is tossed back in the sea or she's a keeper, or a guy whose idea of multidating is going out for coffee and having great conversations with women to see who clicks -- and maybe pair off with one that strikes his fancy.

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You wrote in your OP that he said he'd just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. Now you're changing the story.

 

No, waiting around hoping a man who clearly stated he is exclusively sleeping with another woman will change his mind is not "bad timing".

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I wrote that he doesn’t want something serious right now with anyone bc just out of relationship. However he told me he would like to stay in touch if I am up for it bc he may be ready for something serious in a few months. He said the girl he is seeing knows it is casual and that he is going on other dates.

 

Sorry if my initial post wasn’t clear :)

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