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Lost feelings for my husband of 5 years


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I am in my second marriage and we have a 3 yr old together and I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage. My husband has a big job and travels every week and is home on the weekends. In the past, I would always make reservations somewhere fun and we would get a babysitter so we can go out and have time alone about 1 - 2 times a week. After the holidays, he complained that we spend too much and said he doesn't want to do this anymore. I was very disappointed, but told him that I will just go out with my friends once in a while and he can stay home with the baby to save on the babysitter. He seemed fine with this, especially since he goes fishing, goes out twice during the month to play poker, goes hunting and running every Saturday and leaves me, as usual, with the kids. I see my husband as cheap and selfish.

 

Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband. He isn't that attractive to me anymore. He expects sex, but when I give in, I am just going through the motions, so now I say no. He resents me for this. We are drifting apart and I am afraid we may eventually split up. I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

 

Should I just look for a job and then my own place? Another thing that is very hard for me is that my 14 yr old son had to live with his Dad because he doesn't respect my husband and it was getting bad. My ex-husband tried to take sole custody of my kids (unsuccessfully) last summer because of the custody change. Then, after he lost in court, my crazy ex asked me to take my son back. I feel like if I were to be on my own, my 3 kids could live with me and life would be happier. But then I am twice divorced which is my worst fear for my little one. Ugh. Help.

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I also met someone else who wants to see me.....

Crappy situation for sure and I'm unsure this marriage can be salvaged....I've never left a relationship but from what I've EXperienced, once 'feelings' are gone, they rarely come back....

 

In regards to this^^ I would suggest trying to see if your husband will work together with you to turn it around for maybe another 6 months, but after that yes you should look for a job and your own place and make the move....And don't entertain another guy. It seems to me you need at least two years with yourself to really get yourself back on track....

 

Yes it will be difficult but I think you will find it will be time well spent.

 

Regards

Carus*

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I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

 

Yes you are. You're being unfaithful in your mind, which is the starting point of ALL cheating.

Tell this so-called "friend" to take a hike.

 

Stop being afraid of your husband and tell him what you want.

If he refuses, tell him HE is reneging on his vows to you.

 

Tell him that reneging on his vows creates a non-marriage.

 

That will put the ball in his court.

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Where did you meet this someone else? Is it a coworker, neighbor, a part of friends you go out with?

 

The first thing you should look for is an attorney to consult privately and confidentially to discuss your options in a divorce. You can't just "find a job and apt" and move out. You need to dissolve the marriage. Are you a SAHM? Is that boring lonely drudgery getting to you? You can get a job now. Why wait?

 

It sounds like your frustrations revolve around child care, your previous divorce and custody issues and being bored/lonely. Having emotional affairs is not the answer.

Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband.

 

I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

 

Should I just look for a job and then my own place?

 

I feel like if I were to be on my own, my 3 kids could live with me and life would be happier.

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If you can get a job to move out, why can't you get a job to save your marriage? Consult your husband (who does sound quite neglectful and selfish tbh) about how you can improve your situation. If he is working away every week to provide and you do not work, perhaps he feels some resentment when you want to spend money on meals out and trips away etc.

 

Be honest, tell him you are feeling a disconnect and the things you feel help you bond as a couple are things he sees as a chore or unnecessary expense. Ask him how he would like to bond with you, court each other again, fall in love again.

 

You could find ways to spend quality time that is less expensive, you could join him in his activities occasionally or find new ones to do together? Ask your/his parents to sit the kids so you can go out for a coffee and cake?

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I would always make reservations somewhere fun and we would get a babysitter so we can go out and have time alone about 1 - 2 times a week. After the holidays, he complained that we spend too much and said he doesn't want to do this anymore. I was very disappointed, but told him that I will just go out with my friends once in a while and he can stay home with the baby to save on the babysitter.

I see my husband as cheap and selfish.

I mean, was doing less expensive things ever put on the docket? I don't know what "fun things" you were planning, but the fact your alternative was he stay home while you go out and that you're lamenting how "cheap" he is really has me hesitant to take the rest of your side of things strictly at face value.

 

And maybe it's just my upbringing and where I come from, but I've yet to meet too many couples, particularly those with three kids including a 3 year old, who could afford to regularly drop money on a babysitter on top of whatever expenses going out 1 - 2 times a week. You've evidently got friends if you're going out with them-- is there no one who could take the toddler off your hands a couple times a month for an evening and you two can save money with a nice dinner at home? I'm simply having a hard time fathoming how it seems to be all-or-nothing in terms of spending time together the way you feel you two should be. Even if you could comfortably afford it, if he's traveling the whole week for work, he may simply not want to reach Thursday night only to realize he's gonna on the hook for whatever activities you want to do that weekend. It seems evidenced enough by his choice of hobbies that he's itching to unwind.

 

I've got no idea what's fueling whatever drama with your son and him to have an opinion either way. Strictly going off what you've written, I don't think your ex is necessarily crazy if he was playing the de facto custodial parent while I'm assuming still formally being responsible for child support. But that sounds like an entire other mess.

 

There seems to be plenty of room for a middle ground here, and I'm not sure why that isn't happening. There's nothing wrong with wanting a date night, but with a toddler on your hands, it may just be that you're gonna have to be fine with it being a monthly or biweekly occasion. And if you guys can genuinely afford it, he's gotta be cool with investing in a dinner out, or at least buying a couple nice steaks to bring home and sear up with a bottle of wine if he's so keen to save money foregoing the restaurant. If he's spending too much time hunting on Saturdays or you don't feel you're comparably being offered opportunity for your own reprieve, that's its own consideration. Is he actually bringing home meat? It's a bit of a different story between whether he's coming home with nothing for a month at a time or if it's actually providing sustenance with 50+ pounds of venison or a nice sized boar.

 

At the end of the day, your post reads as very calculated. I don't know how you "met" this guy who wants to date you (and yet is still someone you keep as a "friend"), but it seems your mind is made up. I hope you'll consider marital counseling and that your husband will be open to it prior to closing any emotional doors for good.

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Seems like you already have one foot out the door OP... you are already visualizing getting a new place and being with a different man... and it seems like you blame your husband and his "cheapness" for why this isn't working... granted I get it's about investing time in the relationship but it does take two people to make a relationship work or not work, and at this point you don't seem particularly interested in putting more effort in... you also seem to have turned your attention to getting validation from another man, which is a guaranteed relationship killer.

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I

 

Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband. He isn't that attractive to me anymore. He expects sex, but when I give in, I am just going through the motions, so now I say no. He resents me for this. We are drifting apart and I am afraid we may eventually split up. I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

 

 

Ditch the male friend, you are already cheating in a way. Your lack of feelings is directly related to how this new guy is petting you emotionally. Get back on track. Cut this guy off entirely.

 

Refocus on your marriage and attempt to salvage things with your husband.

 

If you cannot do that?

 

Part ways.

 

BTW, figure out the best way to protect your children from any of this drama.

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I get it. My husband is unbelievably busy and most of the time I look like a single mom. So I'm sure you wanted to go out with Hubby as a way to 'make up' for that time he's losing with you.

 

I'm betting that Hubby doesn't see the practicality in spending money that often, though, and I think you took that as a slight.

 

I honestly feel this is a matter of miscommunication. Even if you two aren't on the same page anymore, in the end, you're still going to have to talk it out. Try it in a non-accusing way-hard I know.

 

I'm gonna be real -this male friend of yours is skewing your perspective on your marriage. Of course Hubby doesn't seem as attractive to you anymore; you have someone else giving you attention. And I get that this friend isn't the focus of this thread, but when it comes down to it, he is indeed affecting the way you feel about your marriage. This isn't fair to Hubby. You need to talk to him (and only him) about this.

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At the end of the day, your post reads as very calculated. I don't know how you "met" this guy who wants to date you (and yet is still someone you keep as a "friend"), but it seems your mind is made up.

 

I, too got the impression that this "friend" was what fast forwarded the feelings for your husband to disappear. You seem dead set on ending things being as you know you've got someone waiting in the wings.

 

You have many options yet and don't seem to care for them. If you've got friends, then why not have one of them take the kids for an evening? Doing something with your husband could be as easy as making a meal together and watching a movie alone, then picking this kids up later.

 

As for him being gone and paying too much attention on his hobbies, why not tell him it's bothering you. Marriage counselling is another option.

There are ways to make things better, however, I think you've got wandering eyes and it won't matter what your husband agrees to or what chance you might have to make things better, you want to see where things go with this "friend" and nothing else is going to change that.

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This seems calculated and manipulative, to me. Obviously you are struggling with being a SAHM and you are struggling with remaining faithful to your husband. I get the impression that when your husband didn't immedietly do things as you wanted, you retaliated by withdrawing and looking elsewhere rather than working on your marriage and to get Everyones- not just yours- needs met. Your 14 year old is obviously struggling too. Your husband is concerned about being away working all the time and yet there doesn't seem to be the money there.

How will you packing up and moving into an apartment with all kids so you can bring this friend into their lives help anyone but you? And do you think you'll get full custody of the toddler too, further taking away time that child gets to spend with his dad? And both dads just send money your way?

 

Seems to me between the options others on the thread have given about making time together without making reservations out every week, and the fact you can get a job now if you want to free up a possibility for dad to have a more family friendly job ( this seems the obvious solution to me, since you being home isn't working and I'm sure the kids and dad could benefit from seeing him too).

 

I just can't wrap my mind around how you are feeling hard done by here. Or how your husband is cheap and selfish. It seems to me you are just blaming him for your own issues and lack of flexibility here, and that this comes down to you are all about you.

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Whoa!

 

I have to say that reading the comments here, they are no bs but good. Most of us know what it’s like to lose that lovin’ feeling for someone. I literally just had this conversation yesterday and many other times with the person I have been with for the last few years because we are considering parting ways amicably and the impetus for this tends to be another someone waiting in the wings. I know very few people that have the strength to turn their back on this draw toward the new person and focus back on their current relationship. But I hope you do because I truly believe from life experience (others and my own), this rarely works out. You will bring so much drama into your new thing from having no proper closure with your husband and that will likely take a toll. You will probably have a lot of feelings, grief, guilt, sadness about that loss of your marriage that you don’t need now but it’ll creep in when you are with this new guy and that will take a toll. Please take it from my having done this a few times in my youth and my current gf having done it almost every relationship she has been in. It NEVER works out. Finish one thing or not. Be truly single. Sit in that for while. Then, after you have had time and healing, then date if you want.

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Thank you to all of you for the advice, even if it's difficult to hear. My reasons for thinking my husband is cheap are legitimate. He insisted on buy a $500k home and wants to furnish it with all used furniture. He is constantly asking what every charge is for everything, which is very controlling, yet withdrawals $300 from saving to go to the casino to play black Jack while I stay home with our baby. My point is, I am ALWAYS home with our children while he is GONE either working (which is understandable), but he is constantly leaving me to do other things. The hunting is purely recreational, because he hasn't brought home any meat in 2 years. He will go up north 6 weekends from Sept-Nov and also a few times in the Spring and Summer.

 

My bigger point is that I am FINE with whatever he wants to do, as long as he makes time for he and I to reconnect.

 

As far as the "friend", it is not anything serious, as I have only seen him out twice. He knows i am married with 3 children, because I told him. I do not hide anything. He told me the second time I saw him out, he is very attracted to me, so I told him I am flattered, but I would be happy to be friends. This is it. We don't talk on a daily basis or anything. He is just young, good looking and it was nice to have someone give me attention, I will admit that. I get a lot of compliments from people, when all I want is my husband to appreciate me as his wife, and not someone waiting around for him to have sex with him when he feels the need. I need to be connected to be in the mood for that, as I am not a prostitute. I do work as a contractor part time, but not enough. I would like to find a job and start becoming more independent. And yes, he and I always said in would stay home if we had a little one.

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Yes, those Friday night date nights are important, they are part of romance, what most women need to stay in love with a man.

 

Do you have any feelings left for this man? If you do and want to rebuild the relationship, there may be ways. Counseling is always good, if you can get him to go.

 

Other alternatives are tough love - cut off sex, or walk out for a few days (or longer) and stay at a motel or with friends or family. When he breaks down and asks "What's wrong?!", that's your cue to tell him your needs. It's called tough love, and many people have saved their relationships this way. I know, it takes a lot of guts to do this.

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As far as the "friend", it is not anything serious, as I have only seen him out twice. He knows i am married with 3 children, because I told him. I do not hide anything. He told me the second time I saw him out, he is very attracted to me, so I told him I am flattered, but I would be happy to be friends. This is it. We don't talk on a daily basis or anything. He is just young, good looking and it was nice to have someone give me attention, I will admit that.

 

You having three kids and being married is no special shield. In fact, for a guy like this "friend" it is a signal to lay on the charm and get laid. Since you know his intentions, you have to full-stop end the friendship.

 

As for your husband's disappearances to go hunting. Is this new or a lifelong thing?

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You painted a pretty compelling picture of a miserable marriage. I get why you are unhappy.

But what you haven't shared, is what exactly have the two of you done to change things and make things better.

 

Happy, content marriages don't just happen by accident. They take a lot of work, communication and compromise.

Is he even aware you are this unhappy?

 

I agree with others. I can't help but wonder if there wasn't someone else paying attention to you, if you would have written this post.

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Yes, those Friday night date nights are important, they are part of romance, what most women need to stay in love with a man.

 

Do you have any feelings left for this man? If you do and want to rebuild the relationship, there may be ways. Counseling is always good, if you can get him to go.

 

Other alternatives are tough love - cut off sex, or walk out for a few days (or longer) and stay at a motel or with friends or family. When he breaks down and asks "What's wrong?!", that's your cue to tell him your needs. It's called tough love, and many people have saved their relationships this way. I know, it takes a lot of guts to do this.

 

You cannot keep telling people to cut off sex or walk out of their marriage as an attempt to get what they want.

 

Both of those are highly manipulative and just plain wrong. I’ve seen this advice from you multiple times now. I hope to God no one is taking these suggestions to heart.

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why is being 2X divorced "your fear for your little one"? I don't get that.

As far as the current marriage - yeah.. get your own job and money. I find it unreasonable for you to call somebody "cheap" when you are spending their money. Earning money these days and supporting multiple people is NOT that easy. I undrsatnd taking care of kids is not easy either - but to call him cheap and put him down for it in today's age? That's inappropriate. So get a job then so you can spend more money on yourself.

 

As for all the other stuff. It sounds like a big mess and you wil have to decide what's best for you. Being grumpy and negative and putting down family members is NOT a good example for kids to see and learn and grow up with as adults. So figure it out and do it.

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Since he supports you and brings in any and all income, yes he can look at what credit card charges there are. It sounds like you are unwilling to work and therefor stay with him and feel powerless and resentful. At the same time he treats you like a live in housekeeper/nanny while his social life and work life all week is elsewhere. This seems more like a transaction than a marriage.

 

The young good looking dude is there, not because your husband never is, but because you've allowed yourself to become, bored, resentful and powerless by not working or doing anything productive or fulfilling with your life. Filling a house full of furniture is nonsense and not worth talking or arguing about. Get a life, get out of the house and stop amusing yourself with mindless home decorating.

He is constantly asking what every charge is for everything, which is very controlling, yet withdrawals $300 from saving to go to the casino to play black Jack while I stay home with our baby. My point is, I am ALWAYS home with our children while he is GONE either working
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So when I started reading your first words I was wondering when the "other man" would pop up and poof there he was just a few sentences away.

 

You may think we are not being very understanding but you need to realize many of us have been on this forum a while and have seen this exact same scenario too many times to count.

 

Let me ask you a few questions:

 

1 What do you want to happen? Save this marriage or get a divorce?

2 Depending on what you answered above; how is being "friends" with some young guy that just wants to bang you help #1?

3 Why did your fist marriage end?

4 Was your husband like this when you were dating? Engaged?

 

You see it looks all to easy to bail on something that isn't working when you think you have something else lined up. I seriously doubt your husband wants to get divorced so if you approach him in a way other than nagging where he sees that you are serious about improving the whole marriage (not just your entertainment) then you will know where he stands. This means marriage counseling, cutting off your "friend", deciding what you want in your life and then the both of you working your butts off to accomplish it. This could be an awesome opportunity to share a goal that could change your lives.

 

Lost

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Again, I appreciate the direct advice and understand how this whole situation sounds one sided with the information that you have. There is a lot more to say as to why I am at this point in my marriage. I do take accountability for not dating long enough to discover certain things. We met in January, lived together by Dec and married by Spring. This was too quick looking back now, but I genuinely felt in love and thought that we were a much better match than anyone else I had dated in the past. Once married, however, I discovered some things that were quite disturbing to me. He was looking at porn way too much during a time when our sex life was at its best (and he rarely traveled back then). Then, I noticed that the porn started to affect our sex life (he would decline sex because he would masturbate while i was up putting my children to bed 🤮). Then, he refused to get rid of a box of mementos from all of his previous relationships, included photo books, letters from past loves, etc. Then, I caught him chatting with old girlfriends on his Google chat. It didn't say anything that bad, but she was very flirty and he would take business trips on occasion where she lived over seas. I wouldn't be surprised if he met up with her. I caught him responding to another girl he slept with on fb messenger, and I caught him lying about it. Also, way back before we married, we were dating for 5 months, and a girl texted him offering him a BJ and he said he would be there in 6 hours. I almost broke it off, but somehow he convinced me it was a joke and he never saw or spoke to her again. In the back of my mind, I knew I had overlooked some things I shouldn't have. As our marriage continued, it was apparent because we both agreed for me to leave my job when we moved an hour away (to focus on the kids and us having a child together), he felt he was in full control over me in many ways and I felt very restricted. After the baby was born, I felt that we became closer and things were pretty good and he relaxed. We moved to a bigger home, but then he started up again with the controlling behavior, on top of being gone every week. Before that, I was trying to keep us connected by scheduling dates without kids. Which now, he doesn't want to continue. I get what many of you are saying about the SAHM syndrome. It does get to me. But believe me, with 3 kids, one with mental health issues and an ex-husband who is now being investigated by CPS, I have zero time for decorating. The fact that I deal with these things alone, with very little support, does make me depressed at times. Getting out with my husband, helps that and I feel happy and better able to handle what comes my way. I hope this helps you all see how I have gotten here. But I fully realize for which parts I am responsible. I am just trying to navigate my way to a better place, with or without my husband.

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