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Thread: Lost feelings for my husband of 5 years

  1. #21
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Yes, those Friday night date nights are important, they are part of romance, what most women need to stay in love with a man.

    Do you have any feelings left for this man? If you do and want to rebuild the relationship, there may be ways. Counseling is always good, if you can get him to go.

    Other alternatives are tough love - cut off sex, or walk out for a few days (or longer) and stay at a motel or with friends or family. When he breaks down and asks "What's wrong?!", that's your cue to tell him your needs. It's called tough love, and many people have saved their relationships this way. I know, it takes a lot of guts to do this.
    You cannot keep telling people to cut off sex or walk out of their marriage as an attempt to get what they want.

    Both of those are highly manipulative and just plain wrong. Iíve seen this advice from you multiple times now. I hope to God no one is taking these suggestions to heart.

  2. #22
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    why is being 2X divorced "your fear for your little one"? I don't get that.
    As far as the current marriage - yeah.. get your own job and money. I find it unreasonable for you to call somebody "cheap" when you are spending their money. Earning money these days and supporting multiple people is NOT that easy. I undrsatnd taking care of kids is not easy either - but to call him cheap and put him down for it in today's age? That's inappropriate. So get a job then so you can spend more money on yourself.

    As for all the other stuff. It sounds like a big mess and you wil have to decide what's best for you. Being grumpy and negative and putting down family members is NOT a good example for kids to see and learn and grow up with as adults. So figure it out and do it.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Since he supports you and brings in any and all income, yes he can look at what credit card charges there are. It sounds like you are unwilling to work and therefor stay with him and feel powerless and resentful. At the same time he treats you like a live in housekeeper/nanny while his social life and work life all week is elsewhere. This seems more like a transaction than a marriage.

    The young good looking dude is there, not because your husband never is, but because you've allowed yourself to become, bored, resentful and powerless by not working or doing anything productive or fulfilling with your life. Filling a house full of furniture is nonsense and not worth talking or arguing about. Get a life, get out of the house and stop amusing yourself with mindless home decorating.
    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    He is constantly asking what every charge is for everything, which is very controlling, yet withdrawals $300 from saving to go to the casino to play black Jack while I stay home with our baby. My point is, I am ALWAYS home with our children while he is GONE either working

  4. #24
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    So when I started reading your first words I was wondering when the "other man" would pop up and poof there he was just a few sentences away.

    You may think we are not being very understanding but you need to realize many of us have been on this forum a while and have seen this exact same scenario too many times to count.

    Let me ask you a few questions:

    1 What do you want to happen? Save this marriage or get a divorce?
    2 Depending on what you answered above; how is being "friends" with some young guy that just wants to bang you help #1?
    3 Why did your fist marriage end?
    4 Was your husband like this when you were dating? Engaged?

    You see it looks all to easy to bail on something that isn't working when you think you have something else lined up. I seriously doubt your husband wants to get divorced so if you approach him in a way other than nagging where he sees that you are serious about improving the whole marriage (not just your entertainment) then you will know where he stands. This means marriage counseling, cutting off your "friend", deciding what you want in your life and then the both of you working your butts off to accomplish it. This could be an awesome opportunity to share a goal that could change your lives.

    Lost

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  6. #25
    Again, I appreciate the direct advice and understand how this whole situation sounds one sided with the information that you have. There is a lot more to say as to why I am at this point in my marriage. I do take accountability for not dating long enough to discover certain things. We met in January, lived together by Dec and married by Spring. This was too quick looking back now, but I genuinely felt in love and thought that we were a much better match than anyone else I had dated in the past. Once married, however, I discovered some things that were quite disturbing to me. He was looking at porn way too much during a time when our sex life was at its best (and he rarely traveled back then). Then, I noticed that the porn started to affect our sex life (he would decline sex because he would masturbate while i was up putting my children to bed 🤮). Then, he refused to get rid of a box of mementos from all of his previous relationships, included photo books, letters from past loves, etc. Then, I caught him chatting with old girlfriends on his Google chat. It didn't say anything that bad, but she was very flirty and he would take business trips on occasion where she lived over seas. I wouldn't be surprised if he met up with her. I caught him responding to another girl he slept with on fb messenger, and I caught him lying about it. Also, way back before we married, we were dating for 5 months, and a girl texted him offering him a BJ and he said he would be there in 6 hours. I almost broke it off, but somehow he convinced me it was a joke and he never saw or spoke to her again. In the back of my mind, I knew I had overlooked some things I shouldn't have. As our marriage continued, it was apparent because we both agreed for me to leave my job when we moved an hour away (to focus on the kids and us having a child together), he felt he was in full control over me in many ways and I felt very restricted. After the baby was born, I felt that we became closer and things were pretty good and he relaxed. We moved to a bigger home, but then he started up again with the controlling behavior, on top of being gone every week. Before that, I was trying to keep us connected by scheduling dates without kids. Which now, he doesn't want to continue. I get what many of you are saying about the SAHM syndrome. It does get to me. But believe me, with 3 kids, one with mental health issues and an ex-husband who is now being investigated by CPS, I have zero time for decorating. The fact that I deal with these things alone, with very little support, does make me depressed at times. Getting out with my husband, helps that and I feel happy and better able to handle what comes my way. I hope this helps you all see how I have gotten here. But I fully realize for which parts I am responsible. I am just trying to navigate my way to a better place, with or without my husband.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    For starters stop the battle with your kids' father. Get appropriate legal advice and do not use your kids as pawns in whatever ongoing problems you have. Why call cps on him? Your new husband can not rescue you from this. This is your responsibility to handle. Secondly, why not start working again? If you are so lonely and so bored and so miserable that you are still in a warzone with your other ex and now thinking mr young dude is your salvation.

    As far as porn and masturbating, who cares? As far as your new husband cheating, do you have proof or is mr young dude also some sort of revenge for the porn, masturbating and whatever inappropriate messaging your new husband is doing?

    Have you considered that you are the common denominator in all the problems here? The ex, the new husband, the kids, the SAHM thing, the mr young dude thing, etc? What may help most is some private and confidential short term therapy to help unpack and sort through all this.

    At this point your are creating more problems with quick fixes to prior problems like marrying in a hurry, quitting your job, and now eyeing mr young dude. Why keep jumping back and forth from the frying pan to the fire? Do you want dramas and soap operas like this?
    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    we both agreed for me to leave my job. I get what many of you are saying about the SAHM syndrome. But believe me, with 3 kids, one with mental health issues and an ex-husband who is now being investigated by CPS

  8. #27
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    Maybe the same fears that made you rush are still controlling you?

  9. #28
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    Just a comment, and I've seen this kind of trickling out of details before. How come when a lot of legit opinionated on the issues occurs, at the very end of the thread other things that bother you are trotted out as further justification?

    Now he is wanker that was offered a BJ?

    I think at this point you really need the services of a professional counselor to figure out things since I do not think you are getting the support for the direction you are spiraling into from we the unwashed strangers of the internet.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Just a comment, and I've seen this kind of trickling out of details before. How come when a lot of legit opinionated on the issues occurs, at the very end of the thread other things that bother you are trotted out as further justification?

    Now he is wanker that was offered a BJ?

    I think at this point you really need the services of a professional counselor to figure out things since I do not think you are getting the support for the direction you are spiraling into from we the unwashed strangers of the internet.
    This right here is a winner.

    I'm typically willing to give some benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I can see why something comes in sooner than later, But when the incrementally worse offenses start coming in post-after-post, I start to back off.

    If you wanna hear something specific, tell it to yourself. Whatever you choose to do, do it sooner than later. You don't need a blessing from anyone here. Your conscience is yours.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    I am in my second marriage and we have a 3 yr old together and I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage. My husband has a big job and travels every week and is home on the weekends. In the past, I would always make reservations somewhere fun and we would get a babysitter so we can go out and have time alone about 1 - 2 times a week. After the holidays, he complained that we spend too much and said he doesn't want to do this anymore. I was very disappointed, but told him that I will just go out with my friends once in a while and he can stay home with the baby to save on the babysitter. He seemed fine with this, especially since he goes fishing, goes out twice during the month to play poker, goes hunting and running every Saturday and leaves me, as usual, with the kids. I see my husband as cheap and selfish.

    Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband. He isn't that attractive to me anymore. He expects sex, but when I give in, I am just going through the motions, so now I say no. He resents me for this. We are drifting apart and I am afraid we may eventually split up. I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

    Should I just look for a job and then my own place? Another thing that is very hard for me is that my 14 yr old son had to live with his Dad because he doesn't respect my husband and it was getting bad. My ex-husband tried to take sole custody of my kids (unsuccessfully) last summer because of the custody change. Then, after he lost in court, my crazy ex asked me to take my son back. I feel like if I were to be on my own, my 3 kids could live with me and life would be happier. But then I am twice divorced which is my worst fear for my little one. Ugh. Help.


    Love is an action, not a feeling!

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