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Thread: Lost feelings for my husband of 5 years

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    I

    Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband. He isn't that attractive to me anymore. He expects sex, but when I give in, I am just going through the motions, so now I say no. He resents me for this. We are drifting apart and I am afraid we may eventually split up. I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.
    Ditch the male friend, you are already cheating in a way. Your lack of feelings is directly related to how this new guy is petting you emotionally. Get back on track. Cut this guy off entirely.

    Refocus on your marriage and attempt to salvage things with your husband.

    If you cannot do that?

    Part ways.

    BTW, figure out the best way to protect your children from any of this drama.

  2. #12
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    I get it. My husband is unbelievably busy and most of the time I look like a single mom. So I'm sure you wanted to go out with Hubby as a way to 'make up' for that time he's losing with you.

    I'm betting that Hubby doesn't see the practicality in spending money that often, though, and I think you took that as a slight.

    I honestly feel this is a matter of miscommunication. Even if you two aren't on the same page anymore, in the end, you're still going to have to talk it out. Try it in a non-accusing way-hard I know.

    I'm gonna be real -this male friend of yours is skewing your perspective on your marriage. Of course Hubby doesn't seem as attractive to you anymore; you have someone else giving you attention. And I get that this friend isn't the focus of this thread, but when it comes down to it, he is indeed affecting the way you feel about your marriage. This isn't fair to Hubby. You need to talk to him (and only him) about this.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    At the end of the day, your post reads as very calculated. I don't know how you "met" this guy who wants to date you (and yet is still someone you keep as a "friend"), but it seems your mind is made up.
    I, too got the impression that this "friend" was what fast forwarded the feelings for your husband to disappear. You seem dead set on ending things being as you know you've got someone waiting in the wings.

    You have many options yet and don't seem to care for them. If you've got friends, then why not have one of them take the kids for an evening? Doing something with your husband could be as easy as making a meal together and watching a movie alone, then picking this kids up later.

    As for him being gone and paying too much attention on his hobbies, why not tell him it's bothering you. Marriage counselling is another option.
    There are ways to make things better, however, I think you've got wandering eyes and it won't matter what your husband agrees to or what chance you might have to make things better, you want to see where things go with this "friend" and nothing else is going to change that.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    To be honest, you should be trying everything possible to fix this, not just for your sake but for your children's sake.

    Looking around at another man should have never happened.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    This seems calculated and manipulative, to me. Obviously you are struggling with being a SAHM and you are struggling with remaining faithful to your husband. I get the impression that when your husband didn't immedietly do things as you wanted, you retaliated by withdrawing and looking elsewhere rather than working on your marriage and to get Everyones- not just yours- needs met. Your 14 year old is obviously struggling too. Your husband is concerned about being away working all the time and yet there doesn't seem to be the money there.
    How will you packing up and moving into an apartment with all kids so you can bring this friend into their lives help anyone but you? And do you think you'll get full custody of the toddler too, further taking away time that child gets to spend with his dad? And both dads just send money your way?

    Seems to me between the options others on the thread have given about making time together without making reservations out every week, and the fact you can get a job now if you want to free up a possibility for dad to have a more family friendly job ( this seems the obvious solution to me, since you being home isn't working and I'm sure the kids and dad could benefit from seeing him too).

    I just can't wrap my mind around how you are feeling hard done by here. Or how your husband is cheap and selfish. It seems to me you are just blaming him for your own issues and lack of flexibility here, and that this comes down to you are all about you.

  7. #16
    Silver Member Soulsister2010's Avatar
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    Whoa!

    I have to say that reading the comments here, they are no bs but good. Most of us know what itís like to lose that loviní feeling for someone. I literally just had this conversation yesterday and many other times with the person I have been with for the last few years because we are considering parting ways amicably and the impetus for this tends to be another someone waiting in the wings. I know very few people that have the strength to turn their back on this draw toward the new person and focus back on their current relationship. But I hope you do because I truly believe from life experience (others and my own), this rarely works out. You will bring so much drama into your new thing from having no proper closure with your husband and that will likely take a toll. You will probably have a lot of feelings, grief, guilt, sadness about that loss of your marriage that you donít need now but itíll creep in when you are with this new guy and that will take a toll. Please take it from my having done this a few times in my youth and my current gf having done it almost every relationship she has been in. It NEVER works out. Finish one thing or not. Be truly single. Sit in that for while. Then, after you have had time and healing, then date if you want.

  8. #17
    Thank you to all of you for the advice, even if it's difficult to hear. My reasons for thinking my husband is cheap are legitimate. He insisted on buy a $500k home and wants to furnish it with all used furniture. He is constantly asking what every charge is for everything, which is very controlling, yet withdrawals $300 from saving to go to the casino to play black Jack while I stay home with our baby. My point is, I am ALWAYS home with our children while he is GONE either working (which is understandable), but he is constantly leaving me to do other things. The hunting is purely recreational, because he hasn't brought home any meat in 2 years. He will go up north 6 weekends from Sept-Nov and also a few times in the Spring and Summer.

    My bigger point is that I am FINE with whatever he wants to do, as long as he makes time for he and I to reconnect.

    As far as the "friend", it is not anything serious, as I have only seen him out twice. He knows i am married with 3 children, because I told him. I do not hide anything. He told me the second time I saw him out, he is very attracted to me, so I told him I am flattered, but I would be happy to be friends. This is it. We don't talk on a daily basis or anything. He is just young, good looking and it was nice to have someone give me attention, I will admit that. I get a lot of compliments from people, when all I want is my husband to appreciate me as his wife, and not someone waiting around for him to have sex with him when he feels the need. I need to be connected to be in the mood for that, as I am not a prostitute. I do work as a contractor part time, but not enough. I would like to find a job and start becoming more independent. And yes, he and I always said in would stay home if we had a little one.

  9. #18
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Yes, those Friday night date nights are important, they are part of romance, what most women need to stay in love with a man.

    Do you have any feelings left for this man? If you do and want to rebuild the relationship, there may be ways. Counseling is always good, if you can get him to go.

    Other alternatives are tough love - cut off sex, or walk out for a few days (or longer) and stay at a motel or with friends or family. When he breaks down and asks "What's wrong?!", that's your cue to tell him your needs. It's called tough love, and many people have saved their relationships this way. I know, it takes a lot of guts to do this.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove47

    As far as the "friend", it is not anything serious, as I have only seen him out twice. He knows i am married with 3 children, because I told him. I do not hide anything. He told me the second time I saw him out, he is very attracted to me, so I told him I am flattered, but I would be happy to be friends. This is it. We don't talk on a daily basis or anything. He is just young, good looking and it was nice to have someone give me attention, I will admit that.
    You having three kids and being married is no special shield. In fact, for a guy like this "friend" it is a signal to lay on the charm and get laid. Since you know his intentions, you have to full-stop end the friendship.

    As for your husband's disappearances to go hunting. Is this new or a lifelong thing?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You painted a pretty compelling picture of a miserable marriage. I get why you are unhappy.
    But what you haven't shared, is what exactly have the two of you done to change things and make things better.

    Happy, content marriages don't just happen by accident. They take a lot of work, communication and compromise.
    Is he even aware you are this unhappy?

    I agree with others. I can't help but wonder if there wasn't someone else paying attention to you, if you would have written this post.

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