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Thread: Lost feelings for my husband of 5 years

  1. #1

    Lost feelings for my husband of 5 years

    I am in my second marriage and we have a 3 yr old together and I have 2 teenagers from my first marriage. My husband has a big job and travels every week and is home on the weekends. In the past, I would always make reservations somewhere fun and we would get a babysitter so we can go out and have time alone about 1 - 2 times a week. After the holidays, he complained that we spend too much and said he doesn't want to do this anymore. I was very disappointed, but told him that I will just go out with my friends once in a while and he can stay home with the baby to save on the babysitter. He seemed fine with this, especially since he goes fishing, goes out twice during the month to play poker, goes hunting and running every Saturday and leaves me, as usual, with the kids. I see my husband as cheap and selfish.

    Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband. He isn't that attractive to me anymore. He expects sex, but when I give in, I am just going through the motions, so now I say no. He resents me for this. We are drifting apart and I am afraid we may eventually split up. I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

    Should I just look for a job and then my own place? Another thing that is very hard for me is that my 14 yr old son had to live with his Dad because he doesn't respect my husband and it was getting bad. My ex-husband tried to take sole custody of my kids (unsuccessfully) last summer because of the custody change. Then, after he lost in court, my crazy ex asked me to take my son back. I feel like if I were to be on my own, my 3 kids could live with me and life would be happier. But then I am twice divorced which is my worst fear for my little one. Ugh. Help.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am pretty forthcoming with people so I would say exactly what you have said here. Unless he wants to spend time on being romantic as well as guy pursuits then you’re out.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    I also met someone else who wants to see me.....
    Crappy situation for sure and I'm unsure this marriage can be salvaged....I've never left a relationship but from what I've EXperienced, once 'feelings' are gone, they rarely come back....

    In regards to this^^ I would suggest trying to see if your husband will work together with you to turn it around for maybe another 6 months, but after that yes you should look for a job and your own place and make the move....And don't entertain another guy. It seems to me you need at least two years with yourself to really get yourself back on track....

    Yes it will be difficult but I think you will find it will be time well spent.

    Regards
    Carus*

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    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.
    Yes you are. You're being unfaithful in your mind, which is the starting point of ALL cheating.
    Tell this so-called "friend" to take a hike.

    Stop being afraid of your husband and tell him what you want.
    If he refuses, tell him HE is reneging on his vows to you.

    Tell him that reneging on his vows creates a non-marriage.

    That will put the ball in his court.

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  6. #5
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    I agree talking to this “ friend “ is emotional cheating.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where did you meet this someone else? Is it a coworker, neighbor, a part of friends you go out with?

    The first thing you should look for is an attorney to consult privately and confidentially to discuss your options in a divorce. You can't just "find a job and apt" and move out. You need to dissolve the marriage. Are you a SAHM? Is that boring lonely drudgery getting to you? You can get a job now. Why wait?

    It sounds like your frustrations revolve around child care, your previous divorce and custody issues and being bored/lonely. Having emotional affairs is not the answer.
    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    Due to the lack of spending any time alone together, I have lost feelings for my husband.

    I also met someone else who wants to see me, but for now, I keep it as friends because I have never been unfaithful.

    Should I just look for a job and then my own place?

    I feel like if I were to be on my own, my 3 kids could live with me and life would be happier.

  8. #7
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    If you can get a job to move out, why can't you get a job to save your marriage? Consult your husband (who does sound quite neglectful and selfish tbh) about how you can improve your situation. If he is working away every week to provide and you do not work, perhaps he feels some resentment when you want to spend money on meals out and trips away etc.

    Be honest, tell him you are feeling a disconnect and the things you feel help you bond as a couple are things he sees as a chore or unnecessary expense. Ask him how he would like to bond with you, court each other again, fall in love again.

    You could find ways to spend quality time that is less expensive, you could join him in his activities occasionally or find new ones to do together? Ask your/his parents to sit the kids so you can go out for a coffee and cake?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lostlove47
    I would always make reservations somewhere fun and we would get a babysitter so we can go out and have time alone about 1 - 2 times a week. After the holidays, he complained that we spend too much and said he doesn't want to do this anymore. I was very disappointed, but told him that I will just go out with my friends once in a while and he can stay home with the baby to save on the babysitter.
    I see my husband as cheap and selfish.
    I mean, was doing less expensive things ever put on the docket? I don't know what "fun things" you were planning, but the fact your alternative was he stay home while you go out and that you're lamenting how "cheap" he is really has me hesitant to take the rest of your side of things strictly at face value.

    And maybe it's just my upbringing and where I come from, but I've yet to meet too many couples, particularly those with three kids including a 3 year old, who could afford to regularly drop money on a babysitter on top of whatever expenses going out 1 - 2 times a week. You've evidently got friends if you're going out with them-- is there no one who could take the toddler off your hands a couple times a month for an evening and you two can save money with a nice dinner at home? I'm simply having a hard time fathoming how it seems to be all-or-nothing in terms of spending time together the way you feel you two should be. Even if you could comfortably afford it, if he's traveling the whole week for work, he may simply not want to reach Thursday night only to realize he's gonna on the hook for whatever activities you want to do that weekend. It seems evidenced enough by his choice of hobbies that he's itching to unwind.

    I've got no idea what's fueling whatever drama with your son and him to have an opinion either way. Strictly going off what you've written, I don't think your ex is necessarily crazy if he was playing the de facto custodial parent while I'm assuming still formally being responsible for child support. But that sounds like an entire other mess.

    There seems to be plenty of room for a middle ground here, and I'm not sure why that isn't happening. There's nothing wrong with wanting a date night, but with a toddler on your hands, it may just be that you're gonna have to be fine with it being a monthly or biweekly occasion. And if you guys can genuinely afford it, he's gotta be cool with investing in a dinner out, or at least buying a couple nice steaks to bring home and sear up with a bottle of wine if he's so keen to save money foregoing the restaurant. If he's spending too much time hunting on Saturdays or you don't feel you're comparably being offered opportunity for your own reprieve, that's its own consideration. Is he actually bringing home meat? It's a bit of a different story between whether he's coming home with nothing for a month at a time or if it's actually providing sustenance with 50+ pounds of venison or a nice sized boar.

    At the end of the day, your post reads as very calculated. I don't know how you "met" this guy who wants to date you (and yet is still someone you keep as a "friend"), but it seems your mind is made up. I hope you'll consider marital counseling and that your husband will be open to it prior to closing any emotional doors for good.

  10. #9
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    I'm also curious to know if he is gambling money when he plays poker. Was it a joint decision for you to be a stay at home parent?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Seems like you already have one foot out the door OP... you are already visualizing getting a new place and being with a different man... and it seems like you blame your husband and his "cheapness" for why this isn't working... granted I get it's about investing time in the relationship but it does take two people to make a relationship work or not work, and at this point you don't seem particularly interested in putting more effort in... you also seem to have turned your attention to getting validation from another man, which is a guaranteed relationship killer.

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