Is he potentially abusive?

Hello All!

I am 26 girl but never been in relationship, I was seeing some people but I was always looking for someone special.

Lately I met a guy on Tinder and we clicked right away, he was caring and a bit shy, he said he is not experienced with women. I never liked any guy that much before. We saw each other few times, had great talks and chemistry, however I've noticed some red flags and I don't know what to do.

When I was travelling he checked my location on Tinder (he told me that), he checked online where exactly I work, he was asking where I do shopping, go to the gym, where I live etc. He is asking a lot of questions and he remember all the details about me. He was sending me a lot of messages but stopped when I told him it's too much for me. He asks me a lot about my opinion, what I want to do, if he can do something etc, but sometimes he pushes for some stuff (not physical, he is very respectful). He said he's going to be honest and he said he has a problem with being controlling and sometimes act before think.

I am afraid he may be abusive/narcisstic. He said he is not controlling to people who he trusts. Do you think it makes sense to continue? I am asking only becasue I really like him.

He said he's going to be honest and he said he has a problem with being controlling and sometimes act before think.

 

I am afraid he may be controlling/abusive/narcisstic. Do you think it makes sense to continue? I am asking only becasue I really like him.

I mean, he told you that he is. It's not a question of "may" be controlling - he is and he admits it.

My advice, from my personal experience? Walk away now.

If someone tells you who they are - believe them!

Even without him being controlling and impulsive (on his own admission), I personally would find the checking out exactly where you live, where you shop, your gym etc really creepy. People who inform new partners that 'they're going to be completely honest' or 'I'm going to tell you this but I'm worried it might put you off me', before coming out with a self-revelation which would make them unacceptable, are actually being manipulative. It can then make it difficult for the other person to walk away without some degree of guilt, or a sense of being obligated. But walk away is exactly what you need to do.

Abusers are often delightful, attentive and charming in the early days of a relationship, and it's easy to get hooked in. Then, when they start behaving like the abusers they are, it is the partner who starts to worry that they've done something wrong.

As MissCanuck says, from personal experience... walk away now. You're both on Tinder, no problem with telling him you don't think you're suited.

I definitely think there is a lot of red flags here and it will only get worse. Checking where you work and gym and shopping sounds like he doesn’t trust you right off the bat (no fault of your own). He sounds like he has the potential to destroy your life if you stay with him.

I definitely think there is a lot of red flags here and it will only get worse. Checking where you work and gym and shopping sounds like he doesn’t trust you right off the bat (no fault of your own). He sounds like he has the potential to destroy your life if you stay with him.

Definitely, I been going through similar with a friend ATM and thats hard enough never mind in relationship. Red flags all around.

If it gets much deeper and you end it, he could potentially start stalking you...

Ya bounce now

Checking your location and asking all of the othe questions like where you shop, gym and live, sounds controlling and stslkerish. But, you know this. Block this dude!

He said he is not controlling to people who he trusts.

So he's trying to justify his controlling behaviour... not the first, and he won't be the last.

Yes red flags. No one should be tracking/stalking you, no less brag about it. How does he know all this? Do you post your location and activities on social media with a completely public profile? Never answer strangers questions that are too probing, private or nosy. Pick more appropriate men to date and do not give out TMI.

The first thing you need to do is go through all your devices and accounts and turn off all the public access. You need to someone a bit more tech savvy to help you review all your settings on social media and messaging apps and reset them to much more private settings. Always be in control of all your devices and accounts. Never just leave everything on default and just press "ok" for all sorts of access requests.

When I was travelling he checked my location on Tinder (he told me that), he checked online where exactly I work, he was asking where I do shopping, go to the gym, where I live etc.

 

He said he's going to be honest and he said he has a problem with being controlling and sometimes act before think.

I unmatched him after he checked my location, the place I work at he could easily check online as it's a big company and only one of this type in this area. About gym, where I normally shop and where I live I lied or said "it depends". I don't put any personal information online.

If you volunteered all this info, why wonder? Obviously if you use tinder your location is revealed because it's a location-based app. Why not get on some higher quality (paid) dating sites for better results?

the place I work at he could easily check online as it's a big company

About gym, where I normally shop and where I live I lied or said "it depends".

I don't put any personal information online.

What is it with all these labels?!?!

He’s not here but you are and I’m sure there are a ton of diagnosis and labels that explain someone who is told by a man he is controlling and a danger and you’re like “hmmmm I wonder...”

For Pete’s sake walk away and stay single until you gain the confidence to know when to walk away from Danger.

I know it sound stupid but if you date someone shy, caring and respectful and then they tell you something like that, it's difficult to 'wake up' and really belive it. That's why I need some opinions of other people.

Don't fall for slick superficial tricks, when you uncover things that make you uncomfortable or don't make sense to you. If you are new to dating, shut down anyone who gives you the creeps. Trust your gut as you did in this case.

I know it sound stupid but if you date someone shy, caring and respectful and then they tell you something like that, it's difficult to 'wake up' and really belive it. That's why I need some opinions of other people.

I know it sound stupid but if you date someone shy, caring and respectful and then they tell you something like that, it's difficult to 'wake up' and really belive it. That's why I need some opinions of other people.

Don't confuse stalking with caring. There is nothing shy about this guy in the way he is drilling you and asking you creepy questions. Not only is he not shy, he has zero boundaries. There is also nothing respectful about his behavior. Creepy and scary and manipulative, yes, respectful, no.

If you think this is what shy and respectful looks like, OP, then you have to do some serious rethinking and recalibrating of your own perceptions and judgement. I'm not being mean, I'm genuinely concerned for you.

Don't confuse stalking with caring. There is nothing shy about this guy in the way he is drilling you and asking you creepy questions. Not only is he not shy, he has zero boundaries. There is also nothing respectful about his behavior. Creepy and scary and manipulative, yes, respectful, no.

 

If you think this is what shy and respectful looks like, OP, then you have to do some serious rethinking and recalibrating of your own perceptions and judgement. I'm not being mean, I'm genuinely concerned for you.

In my defense, when I was asking him to e.g. do not write me every day he stopped, if I did not want to go somewhere he did not push me to do it. About being caring, when I was sick he was asking me how I feel all the time, when I said I had problem with my knee in the past he was asking while we were walking if I am okay and many similar situations. We were seeing each other for a long time and he never pushed even for a kiss.

In my defense, when I was asking him to e.g. do not write me every day he stopped, if I did not want to go somewhere he did not push me to do it. About being caring, when I was sick he was asking me how I feel all the time, when I said I had problem with my knee in the past he was asking while we were walking if I am okay and many similar situations. We were seeing each other for a long time and he never pushed even for a kiss.

What you are describing is just basic civil manners that any person should have and unfortunately, any psycho can fake for awhile. He is showing you his crazy now, so better pay attention and run for the hills.

What's important to understand about controlling abusive people is that they don't come out with that right from the get go. It's usually a slow lead in. They more sneak up on you than pounce. Also, it's a cycle in that they can be very very nice, charming, good to you and then turn on you, unleash abuse and then back to good. It's this cycle of good and bad that keeps people stuck. When things are good, people start hoping that it will stay that way. Too often women who end up in abusive relationships don't even grasp for the longest time that they are neck deep in it, because there is this confusion that well....sometimes he is sooo good and does good things so he can't be an abuser. They think abusers abuse 100% of the time, but that's far from reality.

In my defense, when I was asking him to e.g. do not write me every day he stopped, if I did not want to go somewhere he did not push me to do it. About being caring, when I was sick he was asking me how I feel all the time, when I said I had problem with my knee in the past he was asking while we were walking if I am okay and many similar situations. We were seeing each other for a long time and he never pushed even for a kiss.

So first you were concerned he was a controller, a "narcissist," an "abuser" - checking your location on Tinder, where you work, asking invasive questions that made you uncomfortable, etc.

When some (most) posters agreed and advised you to leave, you now defend him portraying him as some sort of Prince Charming!

So which is it? I'm confused.

Look, no man can control you unless you allow him to control you.

No man can abuse you unless you allow him to abuse you.

You are the only one who can control you.

By maintaining strong boundaries and not accepting behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

By standing up for yourself, and staying true to your own values and standards. If that means walking away, then so be it.

Frankly, given what you just posted above, I don't know what to believe.

Is he a monster? Or is he a good caring guy with some anxieties and insecurities that cause him to behave in ways that mirror controlling?

My advice is to figure it out. If you choose to stay, then you control you, by maintaining boundaries and remaining strong.

Again, no one can control you unless you allow it.

In my defense, when I was asking him to e.g. do not write me every day he stopped....

We're not attacking you, Karen. Many of us have been there, myself included. Abusers don't start that way AT ALL in relationships, and it can be a huge shock when the controlling behaviour starts in someone who we thought was quiet, shy and respectful. If this guy is telling you he's controlling - believe it, especially in the light of the checking up on you etc. I think you already realise that!

P.S. It was an abusive relationship which brought me to this forum in the first place. I was feeling weirded out because this great guy was behaving in such a, well, weird fashion - and it took a while before I recognised it as controlling. The advice to me was something along the lines of "Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit", and I'm repeating that to you!

Thanks for all your answers. I would not write this post if I thought he was my Prince Charming! I will end it, it's just difficult because I've never met before someone who I would get along with so well, share same values etc. and who seemed so nice in the beginning.

I know it sound stupid but if you date someone shy, caring and respectful and then they tell you something like that, it's difficult to 'wake up' and really belive it. That's why I need some opinions of other people.

I don't understand how you identify the behaviors of this guy as being shy, caring and respectful while he is pushing you for information, asking you a million questions about your life, and telling you he is controlling unless he "trusts" you... those behaviors do not match up at all and that should be a major red flag to walk away.

Some of these responses are confusing me.

Most if not all not posters claim they want men to ask more questions about their lives, and that men don't ask enough questions! They deem not asking questions a red flag.

Now we have a man who apparently asks too many questions, and that is also a red flag.

Most men I have dated have tried to control me, story of my life! Lol

i just don't allow it, I communicate with words and actions it's not acceptable to me.

In some cases, it changed the dynamic, and we went on to have a relatively healthy long term relationship.

Other times it didn't and I walked away.

I don't get all the vilification of this guy. He's this, he's that. This is all on him.

By doing so, you're giving him too much power!

The OP should have the power here, her own power.

To either maintain boundaries and standards, stand up for herself not allowing behavior that makes her uncomfortable in her lfe -- attempting to change the dynamic from unhealthy to more egalitarian. Through words and actions.

Or walk away.

We teach people how to treat us!

This is about the OP , and what she chooses to allow in her life, not this guy or any guy, and how controlling or potentially abusive they are.

I was communicating him that there are things that I don't like. I told him I don't tolerate control and that's why I asked him to stop texting me so often. He wanted to walk me home and I said I am an adult and I don't need it. There are still some stuff he checked online.. I am just not sure if with controlling person having boundaries will help and I also got scared he may be a stalker.

I was communicating him that there are things that I don't like. I told him I don't tolerate control and that's why I asked him to stop texting me so often. He wanted to walk me home and I said I am an adult and I don't need it. There are still some stuff he checked online.. I am just not sure if with controlling person having boundaries will help and I also got scared he may be a stalker.

For the love of.....dump him. To answer your question, he won't change or stop being controlling. Yes, he might back off for a little bit until he figures a way around your boundaries or otherwise finds your weakness or wears you down over time. What you are proposing is basically like living in a constant war zone. You set up boundaries, he figures out how to breach them. Round and round you'll go until you are but a shell of your former self wondering what the heck happened to you and where you went wrong. Please please get rid of this psycho now. Today. Of all the men out there....why date someone who tells you to your face he is psycho.

I don't like being controlled either Karen, as I said.

But walking you home? That's not controlling imo, and am curious why you think it is. I think that is a nice caring thing to do and would endear me to him! JMO on that.

But bottom line, again, if you are uncomfortable with certain behaviours, you have communicated your discomfort with words and actions in a respectful way and it continues, then yeah walk away.

Spend some time getting to know you. Become aware of what you find acceptable and not acceptable.

Once you do this, you won't even need to wonder, or to ask.

Best of luck moving forward!