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I haven’t met his kids!


Momof3boys

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I have been in a relationship since 2014 it went pretty fast got married in 2016 and had two kids back to back. My husband has two other children from a previous relationship they are now 6 and 9. I have never met them!!! He recently last year took our two boys too meet them at his sons football practice. And now recently he has mentioned he wants to plan a boys weekend me not included... not too mention I have a 13 year old who obviously lives with us and he had always been involved with. His excuses go from I couldn’t tell her because she is jealous and won’t let me see the kids in fact he never told her I was pregnant the first time and that we moved in, she found out through social media creeping... then she got full custody of the kids and asked for child support. She clearly knows we are together, our wedding was 2016 a lot of anger between the two of them because again he did not tell her about the wedding? This could go on and on fact is he has allowed me to say Hi on FaceTime too his kids but I still have not met them is going On? I’m ready to honestly give up on this marriage... when I bring it up he says he doesn’t want to confuse the kids????? Please help me I desperately need advice?

 

Thanks

Momof3boys

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He married you when his youngest child was 3 or so? And in the past 3 years he never told his alleged ex that you two are married?

 

His ex cannot withhold the children from him if there is a court ordered visitation schedule. She would be in contempt of court. So he is either uninformed or he is lying to you and still involved with her in some way.

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sorry, i would not have married him unless you met his children prior to the wedding. Not early on - but after the engagement has happened.

 

i would have no issue with him taking his kids that he does not have custody of and doing something special with just the two of them --- but the fact that you never met them at all -- unless he was an absent father and now is starting to try to be in their lives.

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So his youngest was an infant or 1 when you two got together and his oldest was 3? I'm assuming he had no break between being with her before being with you. If I was dating, I'd question why a man couldn't make it work with a woman who he liked well enough to have sex with within a year of meeting you. When you fast forwarded the relationship, you didn't give yourself the time necessary to know whether he was a good lifetime partner or not. And now you're surprised at the consequences?

 

His poor kids. No regular long periods of time spent with their dad. Little tidbits, it sounds like. I wouldn't be surprised if he's still boinking his ex, and doesn't want his boys mixed up by having them meet you, another woman, when they thought their mom was the only woman in their dad's life.

 

I'd recommend couples counseling between you two, to see if a professional can get through to him. Because what he's doing isn't good for his sons or his relationship with you. I'd let him know that paying for counseling will be a lot less money than child support if you want to give him an ultimatum.

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Yes correct his other child was 3, she new that we were together and going to get married but he never gave her the wedding details and when she found out afterwards was infuriated their two boys were not in the wedding or invited... she only went to court when she first found out we were together because she said he was neglecting his kids and living a new life. I have always wanted to meet them ... and it’s always excuses there too young, I m not ready... but we are married and two kids, i feel like maybe he was still involved when we first started ?

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He was married for 5 years too her, he said the mutually broke up, when I started dating him his one son was 3 and the other was 6 years old, apperntly when she got pregnant with the second they decided too call it quits ? And split ... so they have been divorced since then.... he is of Nigerian culture I’m not sure if this has something to do with it? My boys are 2 and 3 years old

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Yes correct his other child was 3, she new that we were together and going to get married but he never gave her the wedding details and when she found out afterwards was infuriated their two boys were not in the wedding or invited... she only went to court when she first found out we were together because she said he was neglecting his kids and living a new life. I have always wanted to meet them ... and it’s always excuses there too young, I m not ready... but we are married and two kids, i feel like maybe he was still involved when we first started ?

 

I think its disgraceful that his children were not invited to be a part of your wedding. It sounds like the mother wasn't keeping the kids from him as she went to court on their behalf to fight for them. You had a chance to bridge the gap - to refuse to marry unless you met the boys and that they were a welcome part of your family even if he did not have custody. You had every chance to say "okay, you don't want me to meet them -- well then i am not walking down the aisle".

 

 

apperntly when she got pregnant with the second they decided too call it quits ?

 

That should not be a question mark. you should know why they broke up, even if it was mutual to decide if he was someone worth going forward with. WHo knows -- he could have ran around on her when she was pregnant and they mutually decided it was not working -- you don't know.

 

I think that you should allow him to do something with his two kids he doesn't have custody of and i also think you should write a note to the mother expressing your desire to meet the boys -- that you were not able to meet them before the wedding and would love to. You might even find you get along fine with her and it might mean that your kids get to know their brothers. But that is just me.

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We have fought so much about this and it is unacceptable his children did not attend the wedding !! I did call off the wedding especially when he told me that my 13 year old son couldn’t be the ring bearer if his own kids werent in the wedding what would my friends say”! Is His exact words. Which his kids could have been... he just had this way of twisting like they will be confused there too little ... I have thought many times to reach out too his ex !! If I was her I would be pissed... I just don’t get what the hell he is hiding? I’m so upset about this I thought I would give him time but this is ing ridiculous:( I prepared too leave this marriage I’m so upset and hurt... and yes he has been unfaithful too me too, I have forgiven him but I cannot forget. During this same time period my younger sister died of cancer so mind was just all over the place and emotional

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We have fought so much about this and it is unacceptable his children did not attend!! I did call off the wedding especially when he told me that my 13 year old son couldn’t be the ring bearer of his own kids were in the wedding? Which they could have been... he just had this way of twisting like they will be confused there too little ... I have thought many times to reach out too her!!! If I was her I would be pissed... I just don’t get what the hell he is hiding? I’m so upset about this I thought I would give him time but this is ing ridiculous:(

 

So...why did you go through and put the wedding back on, then? So what if they were too little. My nephew was the ringbearer and niece was the flower girl at my sister's wedding. The flower girl was too little to understand what to do, so her mom who was a bridesmaid pulled her in a little wagon with flowers on it. She had an adorable dress, but wasn't old enough to count on her walking down the aisle and doing her thing (she was 18 months old). And the nephew was a little too young too -- a 4 year old would be great but he was 2 and so he held his Grandma's hand down the aisle while Grandpa walked with the bride. The 6 year old would have been a pro.

 

The reason why they would be confused is their dad was getting married to a stranger and that was dad's fault.

 

I think this guy is either hiding a secret or wants to isolate you and is a bit abusive.

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Hi yes his ex lives about 2 hours away ... he did not contest to the custody he regularly saw his boys and when we moved in he would talk more to them on the phone then visit in person ... they use to live in the same city my husband and his ex. He also clsimef too me she is only acting like this because she is bitter I moved on and that she thought they could possibly still get back together. Regardless we are all adults this makes no sense I feel like my family and I are not good enough or something? And he had told me that his ex has said that too hi about her kids and her.... both us women are clearly thinking the same kinda of way.... just don’t get what his problem is with us all meeting ?

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We have fought so much about this and it is unacceptable his children did not attend the wedding !! I did call off the wedding especially when he told me that my 13 year old son couldn’t be the ring bearer if his own kids werent in the wedding what would my friends say”! Is His exact words. Which his kids could have been... he just had this way of twisting like they will be confused there too little ... I have thought many times to reach out too his ex !! If I was her I would be pissed... I just don’t get what the hell he is hiding? I’m so upset about this I thought I would give him time but this is ing ridiculous:( I prepared too leave this marriage I’m so upset and hurt... and yes he has been unfaithful too me too, I have forgiven him but I cannot forget. During this same time period my younger sister died of cancer so mind was just all over the place and emotional

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think that it could be more to it and it might not even have to do with cheating or the overlapping of both of you when you started dating. He probably doesn't want you and the ex in contact. Does he talk bad about her? Does he say she's crazy and stuff?

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Is that his other wife and you are his american wife? It sounds like he has two wives/families.

 

i didn't get the sense that the kids lived overseas --- i got the sense that she was referring to the Nigerian culture - there are exceptions but what is acceptable behavior for men in a relationship in that culture is way different than what is more standard elsewhere.

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I don't want to make an ignorant statement as I don't know much about the Nigerian culture, but I thought that it's acceptable to have several wives in some parts of the country. Is this right?

 

He also cheated on her with a woman (probably another woman) during the engagement and marriage and this other woman didn't know about her. When she knew about her, he told this woman he only married her for the green visa. I don't think this is a matter of Nigerian culture but more a matter of scamming and playing.

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OP, It may help you to put down on a piece of paper all of the facts, facts only. Your husband IS hiding himself in some manner. We can only speculate.

 

Also, as you say, you may end your marriage over this issue. It may help to define the issue differently: his lack of transparency, the inability to create a blended family, the idea that a part of him is unavailable to you.

 

He may be afraid of confrontation with the mother of these children; who knows. Keeping you separate is part of what caused him to lose custody; presumably, it was important to him to maintain that boundary. I don't know why. Neither do you.

 

Presuming confidentiality and finances are a concern, I would consult with a legal aid service as may be available; maybe they can help confirm some facts for you.

 

There are holes in this story; the facts don't appear to hang together. He is on the run; the kids aren't who you think they are; the marriage stories are obscured.

 

You need to detach emotionally and gather facts, like a detective.

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Yes this is true, I found out he cheated on me after the wedding... I live in Canada there is no Green Card, the women he cheated on me with was only 23 And thought he was not a citizen yet.. he lied too her, which makes me feel like he wanted to keep the relationship going instead of coming clean!!! He tells me that he lied to her to keep her away and that he owed her money.. he has confessed to everything and says it’s my fault he cheated!!! The more and more I think about everything I feel so stupid and lost. I want to know why I have not met his kids at this point, yet his ex has been around out too children at there sons football practice. I’m disgusted with everything ashamed and heart broken

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