Amicable break-up...

Hi, all-

I posted about a year ago about a relationship that was probably needing to end but good god did we hang onto it. The relationship became this weird hybrid of best friends but more but no romantic or sexual connection. We were more than friends (the welcome/goodbye kiss on the lips and the I love you’s) but never partners. We were romantic at one time but there was so much that happened early on that we never established a basis of trust. Now we are actually “breaking up”. There is no drama. I actually find it really odd but it seems so natural in terms of the timing. I love her and I will miss her in my life but I feel okay about things - at least right now. There tends to always be regret and second guessing and getting upset at myself for not being able to/wanting be her partner because she’s just such a great person. I guess I will just miss my friend in all of this. We were amazing companions. We always traveled together and did pretty much everything together to the point of it at times being a little stifling because we really had no friendships outside of the relationship and I always felt like I couldn’t have a new friend without it being “our friend” and I’m sure she felt the same. I craved freedom in that respect and now I have it. I am happy to be single actually but at the same time, I know my daily life will change without her. I don’t really know what kind of advice I am looking for. Perhaps I’m curious if anyone else can identify with this kind of hybrid relationship where you both choose to end it and you also lose the amazing friendship. We are pretty much going to no longer be in contact for our own good. Also very weird for me. Thanks, all.

Man, love and relationships sure are weird things! I'm reading your post thinking "Why the hell can't

these two just be in a relationship??".....but I ponder that about my own breakups too sadly enough*

Perhaps I’m curious if anyone else can identify with this kind of hybrid relationship where you both choose to end it and you also lose the amazing friendship.

Not sure about the hybrid part but I would say a lot of people, myself included, lose what we consider our best friend as well as our partner...I find it quite sad in that situation.

My exwife was definitely my best friend and we built a life together...The breakup was hard on both of us.....

We are pretty much going to no longer be in contact for our own good.

Hmm, yes....But I think you may find it's not that easy just to cut contact so you should prepare yourself for the urges to come and the harsh withdrawals that may also come...

You say you are feeling fine now and I'm glad about that....But just be prepared as the days turn into weeks turn into months ya know?

Sorry for your situation.....Great profile pic by the way :)

Carus*

Thank you, Carus-

And thank you re: the profile pic :-)

Yeah, we tried to make it work multiple times over 4 1/2 years. I wish I could just be with her and let that be enough but it just didn’t feel to me like the partnership that I saw myself being in for many many years or longer for a variety of reasons. Now, as you say, I feel okay about the decision now but yes, I always have second thoughts and the “maybes” and “what ifs.” What if I could have made it work? What if it was enough? Ultimately, we didn’t have any romantic relationship and I couldn’t just give that to her. If I could have, she would have been quite happy carrying on as we were. And I do feel guilty denying her many things but I didn’t do it to be an a-hole. I told her that basically, I love you and this is what I can give and we stayed together until she just couldn’t do it anymore because she wanted more for herself and I guess I just don’t blame her for that. It does still make me sad that I couldn’t give it to her.

Thank you for your response :-)

This reminds me a bit of my first big love.

We were great together, but at some point, after about 3 years, there was a shift in our dynamic. Long story short: our sex life, and sexual attraction, essentially vanished. It was mainly me who'd lost that spark, me who was craving something more I couldn't define, and we did what we could to "work" on it—but, alas, feelings are feelings, bodies are bodies, youth is youth, and we had so much love and respect for each other that we had no choice but to love and respect where our feelings and bodies no longer aligned.

What we realized, basically, is that we were actually great friends, not great romantic partners. The breakup was amicable, if deeply melancholy. Flash forward to today, 13 years after we broke up: we are best friends and have been since we broke up. What I mean by that is not that we just hit the "friend" button and stayed in each other's lives—no, there was a lot of space initially, to get back on our own feet, to accept the gravity of what was lost, and then a period of reconnection. But even when we weren't speaking, when we were establishing our own lives, I think we both "knew" we'd be in each other's lives, in a profound and important way.

Looking back that "hard" time just seems like a blip in our relationship. Heck, at this point the romantic chapter feels like a "blip" in an epic, lifelong friendship. Guess my point is that it sounds like you are doing exactly what needs to be done—for both of you—and to focus first on that while letting time and space and that wild mystery of the universe do the heavy lifting. Since what you've described is essentially a friendship being played out under the wrong label, who knows? Maybe the friendship can blossom, in time, in a more healthy way.

Wow, Bluecastle-

Thank you so much for your story. It was amazing to read. Yes, I think ours is a similar story. I think to myself, if I could only want her that way, then perhaps it could work, but you’re right. Feeling are feelings, bodies are bodies, youth is youth. Beautifully put.

I also realize that I haven’t committed to anyone since I had a profound breakup in 2010 and instead have dated many people in the short term since then. I mean, none of them would have been my ideal partner but this one and another one were the closest and so then I ask myself, is this just me sabotaging something great? I also get that I can’t commit to being with someone long term if the relationship isn’t right for me. I’m beginning to wonder if I will commit ever again. I am hopeful though.