Am I missing something?

Hi everyone,

Thanks in advance for reading my post. So, a couple years back, I met a guy on an online dating site and we hit it off, dated a few times, had sex and it kind of died out. I didn't care at that moment because I met him when I was completing my internship out of state and was planning on returning back home within the following month of meeting him. First date- he flat out said he was focused on his business and not looking for marriage, etc. When he found out I moved back home, he began contacting me again (2 weeks from our last date). We chatted every now and then. I traveled back to his state for friends, events, and would meet with him during every visit (whenever I had time). I didn't think anything of it because I took it for what it was then since he said he wasn't interested in commitment. I did however notice it bothered him that I wasn't investing time in him. Fast forward- it stayed that way for a couple of years - we chatted (never talked on phone) and got to know each other a bit that way. Last year- the conversations and contact picked up between us and I traveled to his state because my close friend was having her baby shower and it was his bday. This time around, I saw him every day. We celebrated, etc. Following that visit, we've stayed in contact every day or every other day. Have talked on the phone for hours only a few times, mainly text or chat videos. I talked to him about sex and partners. I told him I will not sleep with him if he's sleeping around but realistically we aren't in a relationship and we both live in different states. After a few months, I became frustrated and told him I cannot do the LDR thing (whatever we were) because I needed someone available. He said he understood I missed him so he traveled down to spend some time with me. The trip wasn't solely for me though- he spent time with friends who live near me as well. About a month and a half later, he flew me up to spend a few days with him (he picked me up at airport, I stayed at his place, etc). He said he's coming down in a couple of weeks (about a month and a half after seeing him) and that it's a business trip but he will see me. I'm so confused - at times, I feel he's trying to build a wall but when I tell him I'm calling it quits, he convinces me otherwise and makes moves to make me feel better. He still says he doesn't want a relationship but his actions speak otherwise. Or am I just reading into it incorrectly??? Any advice is appreciated- thanks!

I would take him at his word - he doesn’t want a relationship.

He likes the idea of having you around and enjoys the company and sex, but I’d say that’s the extent of it.

If you’re looking for a committed relationship, I’d stop investing time in him, and focus your attention on meeting guys who want the same things as you.

When someone has one foot in and one foot out, treat it as it is... He is only half-interested and half-committed. If you want more, you need to walk away and find someone who can give you their full self.

Water seeks it's own level. You've accepted the halfway commitment because it suited you and thus he continues to engage with you. I doubt his stance has changed at all, so if yours has you should make him aware.

His words and actions don't match. Imo, in that case it's a no go. It sounds like he has had the best of both worlds (a girlfriend experience whenever his mood strikes without the commitment) the last couple of years so of course he doesn't want to loose that. Hence, his trying to keep you invested. Yet, it's not enough for you.

If he was to change his mind how would you two go about it given that it's an LDR? Would you be willing to move back to his state? Would you be ok if things then didn't work out? Basically, what would you ideally want from this guy? Is it realistic?

Imo, you need to state clearly to him what you want. If he says no, then you need to make a clean break and move on. If you keep up what you are doing you risk to miss out on your dreams. Meanwhile, he looses nothing much. It's on you to uphold your boundaries and standards. He is not going to do it for you.

He wants to keep the status quo and has been willing to make some concessions to keep getting what he wants. Yet, it sounds like it's not enough for you. Imo, you need to state clearly what you want to happen and if he isn't on board with matching words and actions, then you need to cut things off permanently.

Thank you all for your advice. Realistically, I would have to be the one to move out of state if we kept the relationship going but not sure I'm ready to make that move just yet. He explained he cannot move out of state (he's self employed and his business runs from his state-there is no flexibility). He indirectly talks about his expectations in relationships and agreed to remain exclusive as far as not having sex with anyone else. However, I haven't sat down with him and told him what I want because I wanted the casualty in the beginning. We were also not that involved (at least from my end). Things have changed and I didn't expect to feel as strong as I do for him like I do now. He's coming down soon so I guess that will be my opportunity to speak with him and see what we both want. He's definitely protective of his feelings -I'm just afraid he'll misinterpret what I say by thinking I have someone else (he's asked me before if I was dating other people).

What's confusing you is, you are falling in love with him, but he is not.

Always date somebody who likes you more than you like them and you'll have a lot less problems.

Maybe I'm being naive but I would say both people should put effort in making it work. Sometimes, the other person will love more and other times I will love more. He opened up emotionally before I did (he said I love you, etc). He did say he didn't want a commitment on the first date and we haven't really talked about it since then (2 years ago). Things just kind of fell into what it is now.

He likes having you around when HE wants some company/sex and/or is bored. You're convenient (to him) but he's not interested in anything more. If you want more, this is not the man for you.

Got it- note taken. I guess I'll just have to end it. No point in even talking to him. Thank you everyone for taking the eye mask off- appreciate it. I needed that.

Adding my two cents, I agree. People who don't want commitments but continue to pursue you and show interest are with you for convenience. They're frustrating because they leave you analyzing every detail of what they do and say, but it's because you known in your heart how he would be if he really wanted to be with you. As hurtful as it might be, if a woman he really wanted to be with came along, you'd be forgotten and he'd do whatever he needed to do (including commit to her) to keep her in his life, leaving her no room for guessing. He's with you because you're convenient to him. You deserve so much more than that. Don't settle.