How to forgive myself.

It's probably also important to point out that we were in a LDR and we broke up a month before we were suppose to finally meet, but it never really felt too long distance because we were together on Skype almost every hour of the day and even night because we slept together on the phone. Also there was a noticeable age difference between us. She was 48 and I'm 20.

To be honest it's all my fault. We were together for a year and it honestly was the best year of my life. We talked constantly over Skype and even slept together on the phone many nights. We were really close and we always dealt with any minor issues pretty quickly and apologized to one another and things would be great. At the time though I had still been living at home and was struggling with so much. I grew up in a very abusive environment as a kid and that environment followed me into adulthood. I was a very broken person and the more happened to me the more I started to lose it. I started to become a very volatile person and would blow up over the slightest of things and just could not stop myself. My ex tried to support me and be there for me through it all even after the times where I would blow up on her and I tried to fight it for awhile but I just kept getting worse. I was too scared to get help at the time even though obviously it would have been for the best. I was just scared. Eventually, I had a really really bad episode and I acted like a monster. I said so many godawful horrible things to her and it completely broke her heart and changed how she felt about me completely. Which is understandable. After that night she blocked me and didn't talk to me for awhile. After I calmed down and actually understood everything that had just happened I finally got help. That was three months and I've been in consistent therapy then and have made a lot of progress on my issues and haven't had a major episode like that since.

Me and her have also been in contact on and off over those three months and have tried to be friends a couple of times but things never really pan out because just being around me brings up a lot of bad memories for her which I understand and respect. The last time we talked was Tuesday and she told me that sometimes she just wants to say screw it and try again but that she couldn't because she couldn't trust someone else like that ever again. She said she needed some space for the foreseeable future to work on herself and focus on herself but she's there if I need her and this is the last message she sent me.

"Yes, it was nice to have that conversation. It’s a conversation we should have had a long time ago but it’s okay because we did now. Although the lifeline is always right there, I hope we will both be strong enough to only use it when we have to. You take care of yourself and make me proud. You are stronger than you believe that you are. Believe in yourself, believe in yourself. See yourself successful. See yourself as the strong man that you know you can be not the broken one that always has been. Take care of yourself."

And that brings me to my question, I guess. How do I forgive myself? The regret and the pain is ripping me apart on the inside and all I do is sit around all day crying and hating myself. I hurt the woman I love and I feel like I broke her heart and mine. She was everything to me and we had so many plans for the future but I messed it all up. We never even got to meet and now we never will. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy with grief. I'm scared I'll never hear from her again and I have so many things just running through my mind that are gnawing at me. She has been abused her whole life just like I was and I was the one person she trusted to protect her heart and protect it but in the end I'm the one that hurt her the worst because she loved me the most. I'm still in love with her and I miss her.

How do you sleep with someone over the phone? I'm sorry that you're hurting, but you had never met this woman and she was old enough to be your mother. It's a relationship that was unlikely to have worked in person and you have been missing out.

As for forgiving yourself it sounds like you've done all the right things in seeking therapy and apologising. Time will heal how bad you're feeling and when you're in a better place you'll find someone local/your own age who you'll be able to meet up with whenever you wish.

From the FTC:

"People looking for romance are hoping to be swept off their feet, not caught up in a scam. But tens of thousands of reports in Consumer Sentinel show that a scam is what many people find. In 2018, Sentinel had more than 21,000 reports about romance scams, and people reported losing a total of $143 million – that’s more than any other consumer fraud type identified in Sentinel.1 These reports are rising steadily. In 2015, by comparison, people filed 8,500 Sentinel reports with dollar losses of $33 million.

The median reported loss to romance scams is $2,600, which is seven times higher than for other types of fraud reported in 2018

Romance scammers lure people with phony online profiles, often lifting photos from the web to create attractive and convincing personas. They might make up names or assume the identities of real people. Reports indicate the scammers are active on dating apps, but also on social media sites that aren’t generally used for dating. For example, many people say the scam started with a Facebook message.

Once these fraudsters have people by the heartstrings, they say they need money, often for a medical emergency or some other misfortune. They often claim to be in the military and stationed abroad, which explains why they can’t meet in person. Pretending to need help with travel costs for a long-awaited visit is another common ruse.

Scammers can reap large rewards for time spent courting their targets. The median individual loss to a romance scam reported in 2018 was $2,600, about seven times higher than the median loss across all other fraud types. People often reported sending money repeatedly for one supposed crisis after another.

People who said they were ages 40 to 69 reported losing money to romance scams at the highest rates – more than twice the rate of people in their 20s. At the same time, people 70 and over reported the highest individual median losses at $10,000.4

Among people who told us how they paid the scammer, the majority said they wired money. The next largest group said they sent money using gift and reload cards (like Moneypak), and reports of this type of payment increased in 2018. People said they mailed the cards or gave the PIN number on the back to the scammer. Con artists favor these payment methods because they can get quick cash, the transaction is largely irreversible, and they can remain anonymous.

So what can singles do to play it safe while dating online? Here are some tips to help spot bogus suitors:

Never send money or gifts to a sweetheart you haven’t met in person.

Talk to someone you trust about this new love interest. In the excitement about what feels like a new relationship, we can be blinded to things that don’t add up. Pay attention if your friends or family are concerned.

Take it slowly. Ask questions and look for inconsistent answers. Try a reverse-image search of the profile pictures. If they’re associated with another name or with details that don’t match up, it’s a scam."

Hey adviceguy keep the formula simple. Apologize-check, forgive yourself-in progress, therapy-in progress. Seems to me that you're doing what needs to be done. And in the meantime, I recommend walks outside. Prayers bro.

I agree with the other posters, you are moving in the right direction. However I would like to add, it is commendable that you are able to self-reflect and apologize for your mis-steps. Everyone makes mistakes and has regrets in life. The trick is to learn and grow from our mistakes. It doesn't help anyone if you wallow in regret. You are doing self-reflection, you've apologized, and you're getting help - all very good things.

To be fair to you, it doesn't seem to me you had the tools needed to deal with your emotions effectively until now, so you can't beat yourself up for how you reacted in the past. When you know better, you do better. Now you just have to show yourself grace and forgive yourself for past transgressions. Wishing you peace of mind