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Thread: I think wife is or has cheated - need advice

  1. #1

    I think wife is or has cheated - need advice

    Ok I think my wife maybe having an affair or had one

    We have been together almost 20 years and I know sexual interest wains but we went 6 months without anything. When we finally tried she said she felt like I was violating her and wed stop. Which I was fine with. I wanted her to enjoy it.

    Here are some things Ive found strange

    Complete lack of interest in sex
    Pushes away for hug
    Says she doesnt like to be touched
    I went to give her oral once and she was adamant not to do it. This was a first ever
    Frequently talking about other people who have had or are having affairs at work.
    Marriage isnt the happiest hasn't been for some time

    A super strong feeling in my gut she is or has.

    I ask her once and explained that he lack of intimacy made me feel like crap, ugly and unwanted. I also said that as a married couple we share a special relationship as compared to any other relationship. She pretty much yelled at me calling it ridiculous.

    Anyone have any thoughts Id greatly appreciate it because I have no clue and don't want to think im losing my mind.

  2. #2
    Gold Member jmantra's Avatar
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    I'll be honest dude, cheating or not, it sounds like either this marriage is over or you guys are in need of serious counseling. Try to find a good therapist, and see if your wife will come with you. If she doesn't, start looking for a lawyer.

    EDIT: If she refuses to go to counseling, make sure you look for a lawyer silently, do not give her a heads up. She blind sided you with the lack of intimacy, blindside her with the consequences.

  3. #3
    Thanks for the reply, already tried the counselor angle it was a no go. I was told if I thought we needed one then I should go she wanted no part of it.

  4. #4
    Gold Member jmantra's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smokeybare
    Thanks for the reply, already tried the counselor angle it was a no go. I was told if I thought we needed one then I should go she wanted no part of it.
    In that case get yourself a divorce lawyer, but don't tell her about it. Sorry you're going through this.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    What's the point in not telling her about it? This is his wife. He as an adult should be sitting down with her and telling her how serious things have become.
    They together should figure out the next step.

    This is not a situation where anyone ever needs to backstab someone or be secretive, especially when it comes to divorce.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smokeybare
    Ok I think my wife maybe having an affair or had one

    We have been together almost 20 years and I know sexual interest wains but we went 6 months without anything. When we finally tried she said she felt like I was violating her and wed stop. Which I was fine with. I wanted her to enjoy it.

    Here are some things Ive found strange

    Complete lack of interest in sex
    Pushes away for hug
    Says she doesnt like to be touched
    I went to give her oral once and she was adamant not to do it. This was a first ever
    Frequently talking about other people who have had or are having affairs at work.
    Marriage isnt the happiest hasn't been for some time

    A super strong feeling in my gut she is or has.

    I ask her once and explained that he lack of intimacy made me feel like crap, ugly and unwanted. I also said that as a married couple we share a special relationship as compared to any other relationship. She pretty much yelled at me calling it ridiculous.

    Anyone have any thoughts Id greatly appreciate it because I have no clue and don't want to think im losing my mind.
    Do you have any actual shady behaviour that she's been showing you or are you just going on her lack of emotional and sexual intimacy? I ask because everything You pin an affair on can also very well be due to the fact that she's lost her emotional attachment to you. I take it your marriage hasn't been a very happy one for ages and her behaviour is showing that fact.

    Is your wife staying out late without you?
    Taking calls/texts at all hours?
    Has she spiced up her wardrobe? Suddenly lost weight? Preoccupied with her appearance?
    Locking her devices when she normally hasn't before?

    ... any thing shady actually going on?

    Adding: I suggest that you go to counseling alone if she won't go with you so that you hopefully gain some emotional tools to help you though the dissolving of your marriage. If she won't even talk to you about what is wrong with HER (forget you and how her distance makes you feel for a minute) then there is likely very little that is going to help you to help her get her emotional attachment to you.

  8. #7
    Member BreadStick's Avatar
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    Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well.

    Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge?

    You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?

  9. #8
    Thanks for the responses, there have been other times in the past that caused me to think something was up, years ago she was meeting friends from work for drinks, she came home first to change and then waned to leave quickly because one guy was already at the bar and she wanted to get down there.

    I have spoke to her in the past, said things aren't good. Her response was this is just the way things are. When I told her I'm not happy she said that's my problem and I needed to figure it out. Im not suggesting I'm without blame here for how the relationship went, I've acknowledged everything I've done and apologized for it. She pretty much refuses to apologize for anything and if she does the majority of times there is a "but" after I'm sorry.

    Personally, I think I'd be able to understand what's happened better if it turns out she was having an affair. It would definitely make a lot more sense. In the end, its likely the relationship has run its course and the lack of emotional involvement is saying that loud and clear.

    Thanks again

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by BreadStick
    Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well.

    Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge?

    You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?
    He already stated counseling is a no go. Cheating or not Is also irrelevant at this point. The partnership is non existent. Blind siding people also is not optimal but what the point of that is you need to talk to a lawyer first and make sure your ducks are in a row so when you approach her with options you know exactly where you are, what your dealing with and what the consequences for everyone are.

    One you have your ducks in a row now you can approach her from a place of Truth and confidence and present her with her choices which are pretty much counseling immediately accompanied by her committment to attempt to save the marriage or divorce.

  11. #10
    Member BreadStick's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by GatorXP
    He already stated counseling is a no go. .
    Yes, but he did not specify how often he mentioned it. So naturally, the sound advice would be to try again one more time to make sure she understands the severity of the situation before more drastic measures are to be taken.
    Once such a drastic step has been taken, to bring the documents already on the table, a lot of options of a "calm" reconciliation are off the table, at least for a while. I think he should go to the lawyer yes, but when he does so, the process has been initiated and can't just be laid aside so easily with the threat of "divorce or counseling". Surely one should try other options first before going all the way.

    But OP has now stated some very concerning information. So if this was me, I would not go trying to fix anything but just lay out the facts.

    She seems to be consistently disrespectful to you OP, I am not sure what can be fixed if she is being so dismissive towards you and avoids you routinely, does not respect your feelings or concerns. Are you even sure you WANT to be married to someone who does this? This won't stop, it will only get worse, she has been getting away with it for a while now.

    If you want, you can go to a therapist on your own, talk about this situation for professional advice, since we don't know your entire history with this woman or what your mistakes were. Maybe she has not forgiven you for them? Sometimes apologizing is not enough, since the damage has been done.

    But how things are looking now, she is enjoying her life without you, does not mind hurting you and does not want to work on your relationship. Maybe you should give her what she wants and go see that lawyer.

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