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Thread: I think wife is or has cheated - need advice

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by BreadStick
    Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well.

    Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge?

    You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?
    She already told him that she wanted no part of counseling. He might try to go alone though. IMO, he tries to engage her in sex but, from what OP states, she is not interested, etc. It sounds one-sided to me. Don't know why.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think this has gone on too long and you've run out of options, OP.

    You need to sit down with her and tell her you want a divorce.

  3. #13
    thanks everyone for the advice. I understand what some are saying (my mistakes) and I know the whole story isnt here. Its been almost 20 years so its would take a while to tell it. I can say for sure that there has been no adultery nor violence or threats. I know Im not perfect, and irritated her on things as occurs in most marriages. I think deep down I've known for a while that the relationship was over, but just stayed like most, cause its easier, familiar and comfortable. I know this is inevitable just need to have that conversation. Im fortunate that thru my company I can have access to counselling.

    I actually, just realized for the last couple of days she has stopped wearing her wedding ring so maybe she's realizing its over too

    thanks again

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Trust your gut and believe and accept what you see with your own eyes. It is all there, all the answers you seek but we often ignore them because we don't want to know because that would mean the end.

    There comes a time when staying because it is easier isn't healthy and being alone would be much better.

    Yes it sounds like she has checked out long ago and is cheating on you.

    Right now you need to know what NOT to do more than what TO do. I strongly suggest you seek out the counseling through your work, get your feet under you nice and firm and then start getting some legal advice on your particular situation. Ignorance has no place in a divorce.

    As far as her actions towards you goes you need to see that she does not respect you, care at all about your feelings and sees you as a safe place to land in-between her fun. Don't let the love that was once there cloud your judgment, you need to be selfish right now even if it isn't your nature. Protect yourself!

    No matter how long it has ben going on or how much you know the marriage is dead it will hurt and you will feel a great loss. In time you will feel better and actually see that life is good.

    Keep posting

    Lost

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smokeybare
    Thanks for the responses, there have been other times in the past that caused me to think something was up, years ago she was meeting friends from work for drinks, she came home first to change and then waned to leave quickly because one guy was already at the bar and she wanted to get down there.

    I have spoke to her in the past, said things aren't good. Her response was this is just the way things are. When I told her I'm not happy she said that's my problem and I needed to figure it out. Im not suggesting I'm without blame here for how the relationship went, I've acknowledged everything I've done and apologized for it. She pretty much refuses to apologize for anything and if she does the majority of times there is a "but" after I'm sorry.

    Personally, I think I'd be able to understand what's happened better if it turns out she was having an affair. It would definitely make a lot more sense. In the end, its likely the relationship has run its course and the lack of emotional involvement is saying that loud and clear.

    Thanks again
    She doesn't seem to care much about how you feel or your feelings. Plus she doesn't want to go to couples counceling. It's almost as she resents you for something.

    Do you have children?

    If she doesn't want to work on the relationship and is so adamant that she doesn't care, then I'd consider talking to a divorce attorney and begin planning the separation.

  7. #16
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    You really didn't answer ThatWasThen's questions:

    Is your wife staying out late without you?
    Taking calls/texts at all hours?
    Has she spiced up her wardrobe? Suddenly lost weight? Preoccupied with her appearance?
    Locking her devices when she normally hasn't before?

    ... any thing shady actually going on?


    From what you have said, it sounds like she's been in a full-blown affair for quite some time.

    Sit her down and ask her directly: "Are you cheating on me?"
    Watch her eyes! If they flick away, you have your answer. (A pro liar might not flick but will weirdly stare.)

    Start secretly reading James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

  8. #17
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    Even if she isn't cheating, she's hears your pain and dismisses working with you to resolve it out of hand. That is not a desirable quality in a partner, would be a red flag when dating, I think it should be a red flag now too.

    I'm sorry you're standing on this particular precipice, at least change can bring about great things and personal growth. Wishing you a resolution that brings you contentment.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    When we finally tried she said she felt like I was violating her and wed stop. Which I was fine with.
    Why would you be 'fine' with that? The term 'violating' isn't some minor brushoff.

    If you could win a million dollars for identifying what, exactly, has made your wife so furious with you, how much of that money could you win?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This has more to do with the lack of intimacy and suspecting an affair. Are you in shape? How's your grooming? Do you plan romantic date nights? Do you do your share around the house? What are the arguments about? You need marriage therapy if you want to try to mend this.
    Originally Posted by smokeybare
    Marriage isnt the happiest hasn't been for some time

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smokeybare
    thanks everyone for the advice. I understand what some are saying (my mistakes) and I know the whole story isnt here. Its been almost 20 years so its would take a while to tell it. I can say for sure that there has been no adultery nor violence or threats. I know Im not perfect, and irritated her on things as occurs in most marriages. I think deep down I've known for a while that the relationship was over, but just stayed like most, cause its easier, familiar and comfortable. I know this is inevitable just need to have that conversation. Im fortunate that thru my company I can have access to counselling.

    I actually, just realized for the last couple of days she has stopped wearing her wedding ring so maybe she's realizing its over too

    thanks again
    I'm sorry but it's time to wake up from denial and complacency and suspecting things and run to a divorce lawyer for a consultation today and cover your rear. Do this before you come home to an empty house and empty bank accounts. Your wife has been checked out for way too long and not communicating with you and you have no idea what she is planning at this point. This is way beyond not being intimate and you pondering why. Time to take action and if you want to know if she is or isn't cheating, then hire a PI and find out, if that's what you need to do for yourself. Just be sure that you really want to know.

    Whoever said that you need to speak to a lawyer quickly and quietly and cover yourself was absolutely on point. Once you know where you stand and how to protect common funds from her just grabbing them, then you can sit down and talk about your marriage and whether she is willing to work on things which is doubtful, more likely how you can part ways as amicably as possible.

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