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I haven't dated much in my life. My one relationship, which lasted six years, hardly started as dating. We had one coffee date, then one movie date, then went straight to inseparable. Very into each other right away. Very fast timeline.

 

Since then, I chose not to date, except for occasional toe-dipping into online dating that led to some lackluster first dates and never second dates.

 

Finally had my first second date in forever last night, but I'm honestly not sure if he's interested. The speed just seems so slow. Our first date was a three hour coffee date a few weeks ago. He then went on a preplanned vacation out of the country, but he told me beforehand that he'd hoped we'd have a date the weekend he was back. Sure enough, when he got back, he reached out, and we had dinner last night. It was nice but only lasted an hour, which I thought seemed short.

 

Between dates, we don't chat much. He doesn't seem that into texting because when I send him a couple of texts, he'll call me instead of texting back.

 

So he is showing a degree of interest, but it just seems really slow to me, and there hasn't been much flirting or flattery or anything yet. But maybe this is just normal, and since I never did normal dating, it seems weird to me when it shouldn't?

 

Having a hard time reading this one. I enjoyed the first date but wasn't sold. However, I liked him more on the second date last night and would like to see him again.

 

Do I just not recognize normal dating behavior? LOL!

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What you described as how your last relationship went, dating wise, is how it usually goes in good relationships....... 2-5 dates and then straight into a relationship.

 

Usually, in the better relationships, there is a touch of love at first sight..... the couple kiss within the first few dates and then it's on, lol

 

The current deal - he went on vacation and broke momentum/the crush - so you are back at ground zero, as if on a first date/meet. Give it some time.

 

That said, you should try to have one date a week. and do something fun in addition to dinner, spend more time together - if you are feeling it, that is.

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Good advice from Gary.

 

What I'll add, however, is that things change a bit as you get older. Lives are more complicated, and momentum takes some hits.

 

Not sure of your age, but odds are that you're both busier and more self-protective today than you were six or so years ago. And odds are those you meet are going to be in the same shoes.

 

Me, I would take it as a very good sign that he reached out after his trip. Means he was out there in the world doing his thing, enjoying a vacation, yet those three hours over coffee left a real mark. He remained interested.

 

Don't think too much about the second date only being an hour. Just take a deep breath, see if the momentum picks back up or not. All good either way. That's dating.

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I would see how it goes from now - it's not that it's more complicated IMO it's just that you met -you had that spark -but then he had the preplanned time away. i think it's great that he called you instead of texting -he wanted to hear your voice! my sense- he wanted to see you ASAP after he came back but didn't have a lot of time so one hour was better than nothing. I think the pace is fine and i would have a different opinion if you'd been on 8-10 dates.

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I haven't dated much in my life. My one relationship, which lasted six years, hardly started as dating.

 

We had one coffee date, then one movie date, then went straight to inseparable. Very into each other right away. Very fast timeline.

 

 

Inseparable after one coffee date and a movie?

 

First off, please describe what you mean by "inseparable."

 

If you meant it literally, then I do not agree with Gary Snyder -- it's way too fast, imo.

 

Frankly I don't think a couple should ever be "inseparable" -- time apart, maintaining separate interests make for a much more functional, healthy and "good" RL imo.

 

I think the way things are progressing with this new guy is much more healthy and "normal."

 

Problem is you only have your one previous relationship to compare it to, and anything that deviates from that fast pace is going to feel "off" to you resulting in your questioning it.

 

Don't. It's fine. Sounds good! It doesn't mean he's not as into you as your first bf, he just has a different style. Prefers to move slower, which imo is actually better, healthier.

 

In my experiences relationships that start out super fast, tend to burn out just as fast.

 

Your first didn't, but that's rare. Try to not compare all your subsequent relationships to that, or you will be disappointed and disillusioned, whenever it doesn't go that way.

 

Slow and steady is the way to go, so try to relax, and allow it to progess gradually and naturally.

 

The pace has little to do with how into each other you are, pls remember that.

 

My bf and I did not become full exclusive for almost three months!!

 

Good luck! :)

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I agree that my last relationship moved too quickly. In addition to what I mentioned, we moved in together after six months. Though we were together for a long time anyway, I think it put early, unnecessary strain on the relationship.

 

I'm okay with the pace with this new guy; it just definitely feels weird and less exciting than the whirlwind I had last time. Gonna work to get used to it and not self-doubt.

 

And we are older - he's in his 40s; I'm almost 40.

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What i have learned from 9 years of middle aged dating, is that there is no play book that we can reference for what is typical, what is normal, what this that or the other thing means about the intention of someone I am dating. We all bring different habits, goals and priorities to the dating situation. So, where that leaves us is resorting to good communication. That means asking for the answers you seek and providing the answers when asked, honestly.

 

It would be difficult for many people to be able to state much about another person they have spent only 4 hours in the company of. He may be dating others, it is too soon between the two of you to assume or expect monogamy. He may like to take things slow, dating once a week or less for a few months before deciding that there is something worthwhile between the two of you. He may have many other demands on his time, such as children he has joint custody of, commitments to volunteer efforts or extended family in need of his attention. Perhaps his work is very demanding or stressful at this time. Or he could be a player that dates around, could have a serious girlfriend or even a wife and went to OLD to find something better or on the side.

 

You just don't know enough about him yet. So, rather than concentrating on whether or not he likes you, concentrate on whether or not he is worthy of you liking him and continue to date other people just in case he is not. That's my advice.

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I am with Katrina. I also have observed, with my and others' relationships, that the fast-moving ones do tend to burn out more quickly in general. And I think that it's possible to move too quickly, but never too slowly. Why do I say "never" too slowly? Because there is no timeline for when two people might possibly click, even if they don't have sparks in the beginning. One or both could grow on eachother, over time, over many things shared, and life can be unpredictable this way. Look at all the Hollywood movies that have come out in the last two decades about platonic friends who then realized they were falling in love. It's not just for Hollywood though, it actually happens.

 

I am not much of a "dater" myself, in that I find myself uncomfortable having a very explicit agenda ahead of us. It puts pressure on, and sets up expectations of what "should" be happening, what "signs" should be there, how the parties "should" be performing...there is just a lot of formula around these arrangements. Rather, I like to think that I am cultivating something real and genuine, unpretentious and heartfelt, where trust and safety, and a sense of ease with the person as a friend can be grown, with attraction organically intensifying along the way. It's great if it starts out that way, with a strong physical attraction, but I think the ideal actually is NOT to be infatuated at first sight, and heavily flirtatious early on, because that has a way of blinding you to the signs of incompatibility that might be there. And also, there's a lot of courtship game going on with that, rather than just being ourselves, in our more natural state. I love courtship as much as the next person, but I think posing and putting on our best faces for eachother can be a real trap. So then, the honeymoon period dies down and you're left with who the other person really is, and how you mesh together without all the butterflies and trying to impress.

 

I also agree with Katrina that maintaining some distance and a measured pace, to keep all the rest of your life going as you were before, is really important in those early stages, to pacing the rate of a new relationship. It's never worked out well when I threw myself in feet first into a new relationship, temporarily becoming obsessed with the new object of my affection. I don't want to be "inseparable", ever, with anyone, even when/if I get married. I think being alone for so long has given me a much better sense of balance and patience about how to develop truly quality connections with more chance for working out. And, to not hang my hat too much on any one person for a good long time, until I feel we are starting to develop a really good groove. No forcing it. And, keep your options open. Gadual and unhurried getting-to-know allows for meeting more than one person, which also is a wise thing in the beginning (something I have reluctantly had to adopt over time, as I saw its merits).

 

Take this as a "good start" and instead of trying to take the temperature of where it's headed and how he feels, just focus on the company and how it feels being with him. You don't need to know more than that for now. It will evolve and show you what is meant to happen with it all by itself.

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OP what you describe is generally how many relationships start... a date, two dates, some chatting in between. That he reached out to meet up with you when he got home is definitely a sign of interest, as is the fact that he calls you when you text.

 

As for flirting... what happens when you send him a subtle flirty text? Does he respond in kind or just ignore it? Have you tried flattering him to see what happens?

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Glad to hear you're dating again. Instead of setting up long first dates, try out a version of speed dating, where the first 'quick' coffee meet is just 20 minutes or so to check one another out. Rules are that neither can corner the other to ask for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if no, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejections stuff off the table.

 

Set up lots of quick meets to grab coffee on your way home from work during the week. The point of many is to screen OUT bad matches while keeping your focus on the 'next' possibility instead of internalizing your experiences too much. So you can be on a second or third date with one guy while still screening other guys. Just meeting quickly doesn't require an investment--so you can skip trying to screen too hard at the profile level where bad pics or uninspiring text is really NOT an accurate reflection of someone who'd be great in person.

 

If a guy stands you up for coffee, just take yours home with you and nothing is lost.

 

Why would I raise this if Date 2 guy has potential? Because if he works out, terrific! But if you'll keep part of your focus on meeting new guys, you'll diffuse your investment on any one guy until he EARNS his way into exclusivity. Meanwhile, you'll be learning how to grasp without personalizing the fact that most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. Rejection becomes less personal than we imagine, because it reflects the limits of another's lens to 'see' and understand our unique gifts. So rejection simply means that another isn't wired to ever really KNOW us, and that's true of most people--and it does our screening FOR us.

 

Resilience is a core life skill. Learning to build it rather than playing small to avoid building it is the best and most practical gift we can give to ourselves. Resilience avoids indulging fantasy in favor of exploring real experiences, and this teaches us some important instances where 'more is better'.

 

Head high, and enjOy!

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@einsteins_girl

I just made this account to tell you that your topics with your break-up years back has helped me tremendously. I'm sorry if I am bringing up the past here but I just went on a binge read and could relate so much to you. I'm a guy though. Swedish and 26 years old but also a late bloomer. INFJ as well plus being the one who had to dump my girl after 3 years. We were each others first etc and she never even looked back and I still struggle accepting this despite it being 12 months soon. She just vanished. My two contact attempts were completely ignored.

 

I couldn't find a PM function on these boards but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey. It made me feel less crazy.

It really helps knowing that I am not alone and I have scourged all over the internet trying to find someone who understands as I still struggle daily.

Considering you made this topic yesterday, I just had to take the opportunity to create an account and say thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

 

And I am damn happy to see you dating again!

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Derek939393, thank you for this sweet comment. I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar; it was a long, miserable recovery from that breakup. Sometimes I'm not convinced I'm fully recovered now. You are definitely not alone, and I'm glad my posts helped you. Don't pressure or judge yourself if it takes awhile. We all recover and heal in our own time. I can definitely say there's light on the other side of it, and you'll find it. Sending good vibes to you!

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