Do you ever realize if you behaved badly/selfishly to an ex ?

Hi

I am sorry, this must be a stupid (and irrelevant) question but I would like to hear your opinions

My ex broke up with me about a year ago, he had always been the sweetest guy but during the break up and the weeks prior, he became this mean, selfish, presumptious and manipulative person that I didn't recognize anymore

I know everything is not black and white and I am certainly not perfect but it was my therapist and some of my friends who pointed out his controlling/manipulative behavior

Basically, he was unhappy with his life, thought a relationship would bring hip happiness, was absolutely adorable during the relationship but when the honeymoon stage wore off, he was so disappointed that I wasn't his ideal that he started to be mean to me saying hurtful things like "I wanted more from a relationship, i don't feel the spark anymore, it won't work" "you don't match my criterias, I wish you were a taller and more fit" He told me plenty of times during the relationship that i was attractive

I think he just left because he must have thought he deserved better, or he may have been unhappy in his life and blamed the relationship, I don't know. Honestly, I did my best in that relationship, supporting him when he was feeling down, encouraging him to pursue his writing passion, we never fought, we volunteered together ... But he kept implying how I wasn't good enough

I know it doesn't matter and I don't know why I care, but I can't help wondering if some day he will realize how selfish and hurtful he was. I think it's an ego thing ... Oh god, I feel stupid

Have you ever had an ex who behaved this way ? Obsessing over your differences and an "ideal girfriend archetype" to realize later that loving someone is about appreciating a person for who she is, even if she doesn't match exactly your ideal? (i was his first girlfriend)

Thank you for reading :)

PS : he was also manipulative for other reasons that i won't develop here, because it's too long

Many years ago, I broke up with a boyfriend I'd been with for about 5 years.

I was young and immature, and admittedly a bit hot-headed and self-centered during the breakup. I was not cruel or insulting by any stretch, but I certainly could have been more mindful of his feelings. Do I regret the way I handled things? Yes, I could have been better about it. Do I regret breaking up with him? No. Never have. He wasn't a bad guy, but I didn't want to continue the relationship. Regretting the way I handled it doesn't mean I wanted to get back together with him.

OP, I think you need to understand that it doesn't matter if your ex has unrealistic expectations. What matters more is that he was plain rude to you and showed you his true colours. This isn't about him maybe one day realizing he wasn't kind to you. It's about you accepting that he is not the sweet man you thought, and letting go.

How long were you dating? Unfortunately it sounds like you did too much heavy lifting and trying to appease/fix him and fix yourself according to him. Never reward someone for knocking you down. No he will not have an epiphany that he lost someone valuable. He will just use the same player routine on the next and the next.

Everyone is just collateral damage in his quest for whatever superficial nonsense he is looking for. Do not view him as hurt or damaged or even having a soul. He's a player using "negs" (yes read up on it and laugh: https://www.seductionscience.com/2010/negging-women/) to cut women he wants to easily pump and dump down to size.

"I wanted more from a relationship, i don't feel the spark anymore, it won't work" "you don't match my criterias, I wish you were a taller and more fit"

 

I did my best in that relationship, supporting him when he was feeling down, encouraging him to pursue his writing passion

 

I can't help wondering if some day he will realize how selfish and hurtful he was. I think it's an ego thing ... Oh god, I feel stupid

 

Basically, he was unhappy with his life, thought a relationship would bring hip happiness, was absolutely adorable during the relationship but when the honeymoon stage wore off, he was so disappointed that I wasn't his ideal that he started to be mean to me saying hurtful things like "I wanted more from a relationship, i don't feel the spark anymore, it won't work" "you don't match my criterias, I wish you were a taller and more fit"

That sounds abusive to me OP, he was actively putting you down, down to his level. Why was he with you if he didn't think you were attractive? The reality is, he wants an accessory he can flaunt, someone he feels fits his fantasy of what a woman should be. He feels like he is worth more because he can belittle you. Like you said, he is not happy in life, he puts this on his partner's shoulders and expects you to be perfect, to a T to his fantasies but really, that woman does not exist. I can tell you now he thinks he is all that and deserves Heidi Klum, but if he had her, he would find things about her he didn't like and would belittle her too.

It's who he is. He will be abusive to his other girlfriends too, until he finds one he thinks is perfect in the visual aspect and she will deny him, perhaps put him through what he put you through. He might learn then, or maybe, he will be this selfish all the time. I would pity him if I were you, that he is so shallow and unable to be happy on his own.

This has nothing to do with you, it was not your fault and it had nothing to do with how you were or looked, it is all because he is unhappy and is blaming it on others. Don't waste anymore time on a guy like that, he isn't worth it. You will see how a man really is when he cares about you and respects you when you meet him, then you will look back on this guy and laugh that you ever wasted time on him.

MissCanuck,

Thank you very much for your reply, I know you’re right but it’s sooo difficult especially the last part.

I am the kind of person who always sees the good in others, and I believe we as humans make mistakes and that we can repent.

So a part of me messes with my head and makes me believe he’s still a good person who just acted badly in that particular situation

All of my friend told me he lacked empathy and that he made me a huge favor dumping me but sometimes, the stupid part of me still thinks fondly of him 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Of course I still recognize that he behaved like an idiot

I wonder if it’s because I haven’t really found anyone to «replace» him yet

Wiseman,

We were dating 8 months

I looked it up; and indeed he told me he was not usually attracted to blondes (my hair color), that I was not his type and he sometimes made me feel like he could be the only person who could love me

I didn’t know the «negging» technique so thank you :)

Breadstick, thank you for your reply !

I thought it was a bit presomptious and narcissistic to believe that he deserved the perfect partner he wanted and that he could reject someone with no empathy if they didn’t match his criterias

It’s true; he believed when the one would come along she would brighten his life and make him happy

But that’s a huge (and unhealthy) responsability to put on your partner’s shoulders

Yes he was abusive sometimes :(

But do you really believe he will behave the same way with his nexts girlfriends ?

I don’t know why but I feel like if he acted badly then, that doesn’t necessarily predict his future behavior

I am really sorry I posted the same reply multiple times ... I thought it was not working

I wish I could delete them

Some people don't recognize that they're carrying around some mental judge and jury in their head, so they cater to that and believe that they must build a 'case' to justify wanting out of a relationship. Such people may throw everything plus the kitchen-sink at their exit, regardless of whether they've offered no prior warning OR whether they had already started turning critical in order to justify their case to themselves.

It varies with each person as to who will eventually outgrow this defensive tactic--or not. Romantic relationships aren't the only endings they will vilify. I've seen groups who have worked together in harmony for years, only to turn nasty and find fault with coworkers after learning that the company is closing and they're all losing their jobs.

Inventing a villain allows some people to walk away in anger as a self preservation tactic, rather than walk away from perfectly nice people, which is too difficult for them to reconcile. Whether they ever grow to recognize this destructive pattern or not varies from person to person--but it never changes the outcome.

For your own head, you may want to adopt a view of rejection as speaking of someone else's limitations rather than as a reflection on you. Most people are NOT our match, and so they do not own the capacity to 'see' and appreciate our unique value. Such limits are built into the lens they use, and if you can see that as a valid screening device for filtering out people who don't belong in YOUR life, then their limitations become irrelevant beyond showing you exactly why you deserve someone more suitable for you.

Allow wrong matches to pass early, and don't get hung up on fantasizing about another's ability to expand their vision. It won't buy you anything. Make it a private goal, instead, to adopt resilience a life skill, and invest in developing an ability to move forward unscathed by the limits of others.

Head high, and move your focus FORward. You will thank yourself later.

I am really sorry I posted the same reply multiple times ... I thought it was not working

I wish I could delete them

No problem, it happens sometimes. I deleted the duplicate posts.

Hi

 

I am sorry, this must be a stupid (and irrelevant) question but I would like to hear your opinions

 

My ex broke up with me about a year ago, he had always been the sweetest guy but during the break up and the weeks prior, he became this mean, selfish, presumptious and manipulative person that I didn't recognize anymore

 

I know everything is not black and white and I am certainly not perfect but it was my therapist and some of my friends who pointed out his controlling/manipulative behavior

 

Basically, he was unhappy with his life, thought a relationship would bring hip happiness, was absolutely adorable during the relationship but when the honeymoon stage wore off, he was so disappointed that I wasn't his ideal that he started to be mean to me saying hurtful things like "I wanted more from a relationship, i don't feel the spark anymore, it won't work" "you don't match my criterias, I wish you were a taller and more fit" He told me plenty of times during the relationship that i was attractive

 

I think he just left because he must have thought he deserved better, or he may have been unhappy in his life and blamed the relationship, I don't know. Honestly, I did my best in that relationship, supporting him when he was feeling down, encouraging him to pursue his writing passion, we never fought, we volunteered together ... But he kept implying how I wasn't good enough

 

I know it doesn't matter and I don't know why I care, but I can't help wondering if some day he will realize how selfish and hurtful he was. I think it's an ego thing ... Oh god, I feel stupid

 

 

Have you ever had an ex who behaved this way ? Obsessing over your differences and an "ideal girfriend archetype" to realize later that loving someone is about appreciating a person for who she is, even if she doesn't match exactly your ideal? (i was his first girlfriend)

 

Thank you for reading :)

 

PS : he was also manipulative for other reasons that i won't develop here, because it's too long

Hi

 

I am sorry, this must be a stupid (and irrelevant) question but I would like to hear your opinions

 

My ex broke up with me about a year ago, he had always been the sweetest guy but during the break up and the weeks prior, he became this mean, selfish, presumptious and manipulative person that I didn't recognize anymore

 

I know everything is not black and white and I am certainly not perfect but it was my therapist and some of my friends who pointed out his controlling/manipulative behavior

 

Basically, he was unhappy with his life, thought a relationship would bring hip happiness, was absolutely adorable during the relationship but when the honeymoon stage wore off, he was so disappointed that I wasn't his ideal that he started to be mean to me saying hurtful things like "I wanted more from a relationship, i don't feel the spark anymore, it won't work" "you don't match my criterias, I wish you were a taller and more fit" He told me plenty of times during the relationship that i was attractive

 

I think he just left because he must have thought he deserved better, or he may have been unhappy in his life and blamed the relationship, I don't know. Honestly, I did my best in that relationship, supporting him when he was feeling down, encouraging him to pursue his writing passion, we never fought, we volunteered together ... But he kept implying how I wasn't good enough

 

I know it doesn't matter and I don't know why I care, but I can't help wondering if some day he will realize how selfish and hurtful he was. I think it's an ego thing ... Oh god, I feel stupid

 

 

Have you ever had an ex who behaved this way ? Obsessing over your differences and an "ideal girfriend archetype" to realize later that loving someone is about appreciating a person for who she is, even if she doesn't match exactly your ideal? (i was his first girlfriend)

 

Thank you for reading :)

 

PS : he was also manipulative for other reasons that i won't develop here, because it's too long

So I got a completely different vibe.

You mention therapy and the way you posted it seems you are abundantly clear what his actions were and what they meant.

This post...to me at least...is you fishing to get people to talk about it so you can self soothe.

Post abuse - it looks like you picked up or are attempting to pick up this bad habit.

ABORT! ABORT! dont go down this road of obsessing over the relationship. Its going to lead you further down instead of up.

It is your ego, but its also an unhealthy coping mechanism. Try to turn these thoughts off. You dont need to replace him, per se, but replace and replenish your self worth, the more you do that the less his actions will control you.

Next time these thoughts start post here, get out the house, see friends, family do something to stay active, while also working on yourself, over time you will get stronger. Replaying and reconfirming you were abused is going to do nothing but keep you stuck.

Everyone is just collateral damage in his quest for whatever superficial nonsense he is looking for. Do not view him as hurt or damaged or even having a soul. He's a player using "negs" (yes read up on it and laugh: https://www.seductionscience.com/2010/negging-women/) to cut women he wants to easily pump and dump down to size.

My god I can't believe it's actually got a name

My guess is that this "negging" and chipping away at your self esteem was going on the whole time and that you managed to overlook it during the honeymoon period. Relationships don't just collapse on their own after the honeymoon period unless there are already red flags on one or both sides... and this behavior of his is most definitely a red flag.

You do deserve to have someone that appreciates you and accepts you for you. You don't need to settle for anything less than that.

You know after reading your past post and this post more carefully it seems youre saying he was a jerk after you broke up which...most exes are, there is no direct indication you were abused, your past post painted a completely different picture as well. I got the vibe you were trying to focus on him to cope with abuse but now I wonder if youre doing what quite a few people seem to be doing now and are villainizing him post breakup, because he hurt you and isnt acting the way he did when you were together, in a nutshell youre unable to handle the breakup so youre grasping at solutions....

Chicken or egg...

I hope you come back to clarify, and I apologize if Im getting the incorrect vibe, I realize some abuse victim dont recognize the abuse until after, but again while most responders including myself kinda laser focused and assumed abuse you never actually said those words...

My ex broke up with me about a year ago, he had always been the sweetest guy but during the break up and the weeks prior, he became this mean, selfish, presumptious and manipulative person that I didn't recognize anymore

you said this above and this below

Basically, he was unhappy with his life, thought a relationship would bring hip happiness, was absolutely adorable during the relationship but when the honeymoon stage wore off, he was so disappointed that I wasn't his ideal that he started to be mean to me saying hurtful things like "I wanted more from a relationship, i don't feel the spark anymore, it won't work" "you don't match my criterias, I wish you were a taller and more fit" He told me plenty of times during the relationship that i was attractive

Which again is indicative that he got mean AFTER you broke up and thats actually what youre having a hard time with. And if thats the case, dear, you cant expect people to treat you how they did when they were in love with you, its just not how things work. Him being mean and rude and dismissive after you break up can be a blessing, its repulsive, so it works in your favor.

Figureitout,

Thank you for your analysis

However, I can assure you I am not trying to villainize him at all. Indeed, he was a kind to me during the relatonship but he became a different person during and after,breaking up with me like this "I lost the spark, maybe it's because I wish you were taller and more fit. You are not my type, I hate your f**ebook profile pic"

I didn't expect him to treat me like I was during the relationship, but if I had to break up with someone I would try to make it al least less hurtful and I would certainly not criticize their appearance if I know they're are insecure about it (he knew). It's human respect I suppose, am I wrong ?

I think it's easy to be sweet when you have butterflies in the stomach, but what matters is the way you behave after when this person is no longer idealized

I just read here that after 1+ years you tend to see the relationship under a different perspective and I was wondering if at least he recognize how hurtful he was

But all of you are definitely right : it doesn't matter !!

Maew, thank you for your reply

Well he was a bit controlling during the relationship, but it was not that serious I think.I don't know if that's impertinent to post this ( I am sorry if it is) but as an example, he hated body hair and made sure to look absolutely disgusted if I didn't shave, he didn't even want to touch me and that lead me to shave all the time. He also said several times that I didn't have a toned body and that it would be a good idea if I put some muscle into it because he liked "active and fit people"

Catfeeder, thank you so much

I totally agree and I love the last part of your reply

It's true, I shouldn't think there's anything wrong with me if he doesn't think i am good enough for him

I will meditate that :)

Ya my ex had a lot of red flags. Bad past relationships. She needs time and not jump from relationship to relationship. I feel bad for her but I can no longer help

If he was kind during the relationship and an a** AFTER and it’s been a year it’s time to let all this go.

I now see without a shadow of doubt you are stuck on this, you’re acting as if these are the early days of your breakup it’s been ages.

If you want to do an autopsy of your relationship it’s truly your prerogative, but victimizing yourself over this long dead relationship is going to leave you a shell of a person, you are much much much better off learning why you accepted him being mean and judgemental to you, he’s over, he’s going to be him, but you are responsible for your wellbeing do you think any of this is helpful to your psyche? You’re carrying around the corpse of this relationship, to answer your question it is doubtful he will feel sympathy towards you. Especially not after this long. If he’s a jerk he’s a jerk. You describe him as a jerk and abusive but then want to know where his head is at and if he will ever regret what he’s done, again do you see how very damaging your line of thinking is right now. It’s still completely centered on him.

I get it you think I’m being the big bad witch right now, but if you think it’s a good idea to be coddled and comforted to get over someone you are in for a wild ride. Girl friend I’ve had my face kicked, punched, slapped choked until I passed out please don’t think I don’t understand and sympathize with abuse victims, what I don’t want to do is help you hold yourself captive for another year.

Don’t do this to yourself, he isn’t worth it. Stop this line of thinking and move forward. It’s time. In your first post here you opined if it’s been too long and if you were healing properly, I think that was when you were at the fork in the road and there were two paths:

final steps of letting go.

obsessing and analyzing to keep him in your mind.

Go back choose the other road.

Maew, thank you for your reply

Well he was a bit controlling during the relationship, but it was not that serious I think.I don't know if that's impertinent to post this ( I am sorry if it is) but as an example, he hated body hair and made sure to look absolutely disgusted if I didn't shave, he didn't even want to touch me and that lead me to shave all the time. He also said several times that I didn't have a toned body and that it would be a good idea if I put some muscle into it because he liked "active and fit people"

I guess it depends on your previous experiences with abusive relationships... Most would consider that sort of thing a form of emotional abuse. Yes it's not physical and perhaps you are not in danger of being killed but your self-esteem is taking a massive hit from all of those stabs and digs at your appearance.

OP your willingness to overlook those comments and treat them as "not serious" indicates that you need to work on your self-worth and self-esteem.