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Thread: 8 years and I don't know what to do =(

  1. #1

    8 years and I don't know what to do =(

    I'll try to make this quick. I have been in my relationship for 8 years this March. My boyfriend and I get along okay most of the time but anytime we have a argument... everything falls apart. I have been in counseling for 5 years and despite all the tools I have learn... it doesn't seem to help. Every couple fights, however, our arguments are rather toxic and destructive.

    A little about me... I am bipolar, I have depression and anxiety. I have been working on my anger and being less explosive but when we argue, but sometimes I get to a point where he pushes me to turn into that explosive, hostile person that I'm fighting so hard to not become. When we argue, the words and tone of voice he uses are very negative, yet he doesn't believe that is the case.

    A little about his... he is also bipolar (which he denies), drinks every night, sleeps until at 1pm and doesn't have a job. I nicely asked last week how the job search was going and he said," you're funny". After talking for a bit he admitted that he was scared to try again. Which I completely understand and makes sense. However, I am on SSDI and was denied when I re-certify, so my benefits will stop after March. I have been asking about him starting searching for work in October of 2018. We live on my income, I have had horrible anxiety since October and him not looking for work has added to it.

    My boyfriend has a habit of ending our arguments with... are you done nagging at me so you don't ruin the rest of our day... is there anything else you have to complain about so we can move on and have a good day. Every time we have a conversation that involves a conflict we are having... I am always ruining the day. When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me? Personally, I think that it is best to have a conversation when you aren't angry but with him, it doesn't matter. I want someone that understands me and can support me emotionally. Among all this... he is upset that we don't have sex enough. How can I have sex with someone when I feel like he doesn't get me and there is this huge gap between them?

    It has been 8 years and we are no where closer to getting married, moving out of my little apartment or having children. Who would want to do either of those things with someone that you can't talk too? As much as I want to be with him, I don't know if I can continue to be in this relationship. I have said my far share of hurtful things but I'm not the same person I was 8 years ago... or even 1 year ago. He has been abused in his previous relationships and I think that he brought that baggage into our relationship. Again, he doesn't acknowledge that he is doing anything to contribute to how are conversations go. "I am the problem" he says, "if I wouldn't complain or nag him all the time, we would fine", "you like to argue and cause problems". Tonight we got in a fight on the way to a Mystery Dinner and he stormed off and walked home... which means I wasted 40 bucks. I hate ending fights when we are angry... I don't want that to be our last works to each other. Ironically, I told him this afternoon that I don't like leaving things on a bad note and he said that I wished for him to get hit and die on the way home.

    There is so much more but I'll stop there. I don't know what to do anymore... I don't want to break up but I can't spend forever with some that I can't talk to about our problems.

  2. #2
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    This relationship is going nowhere.

    I would be done.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this is happening. Do you live together? Were you denied SSDI because they found out you are supporting a non related adult on it? You need to kick him out and go to social services and apply for housing, food, medical, and employment assistance. Are you stable and on regular medication, seeing physician regularly in addition to supportive talk therapy?

    This isn't about talking and arguing and marriage and kids. You are with an alcoholic who is sponging off your government benefits. You are at a disadvantage because of medical issues and frailty and he is simply boozing it up and living as a parasite. You can not resolve things by talking. You can't talk to a bottle of booze or a tapeworm or a formaldehyde pickled brain. You need to focus on your health and throw him out.

    Originally Posted by Girlface33
    I am bipolar. I am on SSDI and was denied when I re-certify, so my benefits will stop after March. I have been asking about him starting searching for work in October of 2018. We live on my income

    A little about his... he drinks every night, sleeps until at 1pm and doesn't have a job.


    It has been 8 years and we are no where closer to getting married, moving out of my little apartment or having children.

  4. #4
    Member BreadStick's Avatar
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    Wiseman is right, he is mooching off of you and has the audacity to put it all on you, regarding the arguments. You are in therapy in trying to improve, while he is denying any responsibility, getting drunk all the time and avoiding reality. He is used to blaming you and it is easier than it would be to admit he NEEDS to go to therapy and stop drinking.

    He needs to step up and change, or you must leave because you will be dragged down by such destructive behaviors. His exs cheating and mistreatment of him has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't do those things to him, he is simply used to being the victim, the poor guy women treated badly and uses this as an excuse for his bad behavior and habits he doesn't want to change. Do you really want to be with a man who disrespects you so much, that he always blames you, says you ruin everything even though he is the one being drunk all the time and causing drama?

    He needs to go to a therapist, stop drinking, get a job and start pulling his weight, and most importantly, respect you! Or he needs to go.

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    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I have nothing more to say other than you need to leave this relationship if you want to have a happy life. I could list several reasons why, but thatís the bottom line.

    This isnít love, he isnít the one, heís holding you back, and you should go find someone who treats you better.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    A relationship with two bipolar people is going to be a challenge....... thank goodness you two are still together. You guys are doing something right, eight years is a long time. I recommend couples counseling.

    By the way, I tried dating a couple of bipolar women - one just had too many issues, but it did last for a few months and she did have her positives.

    The other got nasty before date 3, and turned me off.

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    Originally Posted by Girlface33
    I'll try to make this quick. I have been in my relationship for 8 years this March. My boyfriend and I get along okay most of the time but anytime we have a argument... everything falls apart. I have been in counseling for 5 years and despite all the tools I have learn... it doesn't seem to help. Every couple fights, however, our arguments are rather toxic and destructive.
    This person has preserved with this for all these years - as have you.

    I'm am going to disagree with Ms Cannuck here (sorry). Just because you are both bipolar doesn't mean you don't truly love each other, and have a unique connection.

    So I am going to say, you tell him you are getting some therapy, then later you involve him in it - just make the appointments in the afternoon. Coax him along.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    It would be much more affordable for you and hugely less stressful if you were on your own while you work on yourself with the help of your therapist.

    What, besides your codependent attachment, fear of being alone and your need to caretake and enable keeps you two tied to one another?

    I doubt he was "abused in his previous relationships" but rather just nagged because of his unmotivated, negative and borish personality.

    So: Why do you put up with it? Please don't say because you love him. "Love" alone is not enough to put up with someone you are floating through life who triggers your own issues to distraction.

  10. #9
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    Bipolar or not...this relationship is toxic.

    I suggest moving on lifeís too short to be this miserable.


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