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Is it ever a good idea to confront the person trying to break up your marriage?


NoosaLover

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I’m at my wits end. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It is both our second marriage. Two years ago he started working with a woman. They were just friends for awhile and then she started texting him every once in awhile. At first just innocent stuff. But then she asked him out for coffee. And then she offered to bring him a souvenir from a trip. I told my husband this made me uncomfortable. He told me they are just friends. She’s married too by the way. Anyway more of this stuff for a few months and then we went to marriage counseling. Even our counselor said my husband should tell her off but he still hasn’t. He did admit he likes the attention. With marriage counseling we focused on giving each other more attention. For several months this lady also seemed to have gotten the message and left him alone. I just found out they are texting again. My husband never texts her first but he answers almost right away. I am so upset and I am on the brink of confronting her since my husband obviously will never tell her to leave him alone. But i suppose if I confront her it will make things worse. I don’t know though could it work? I really need some advice.

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Imo, you are diverting responsibility for the state of your marriage from your husband to her. Yet, he is the one who is the other half of your marriage and is therefore responsible to uphold boundaries. He is the one prioritising this friendship over his marriage. Even if you were to successfully repel this woman, what happens when a next one shows up, and a next one... Will you keep playing the cop? It's your husband who is the key person in all this.

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Sorry to hear this. The only people who can "break up a marriage " are the two people in it. That means you and your husband. It's very common when in denial to assume your innocent husband is being involuntarily lured away by some femme fatale. However your husband is the problem. He wants to flirt and text, he likes the attention. He invites it. He's the problem, not her.

 

Are you concerned they are having an affair?. Your husband seems quite obstinate that he will keep her in his personal life. You need to take action and that is not contacting her, that is changing your stance. Meaning see an attorney, go to therapy privately and confidentially and decide if you want to be with a passive-aggressive snake who turns you into the jealous controlling wife, who you surely don't want to be.

 

The longer you play this cat and mouse game with him and put up with his shenanigans the worse things will become.

He told me they are just friends. we went to marriage counseling. he likes the attention. I just found out they are texting again. I am on the brink of confronting her since my husband obviously will never tell her to leave him alone.
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Don't confront her.

 

Get some solid evidence and send it to her husband.

 

Then start thinking about more counseling or divorce.

 

Your husband is ignoring his vows, your feelings and is disrespecting you and your marriage.

 

Some will tell you to not get involved in her marriage by telling her husband. I have no problem diming up on a cheater especially one that could care less about you.

 

What is the worse thing that could happen? Divorce? You are halfway there already...

 

Lost

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Am I missing something? I wouldn't think twice about bringing souvenirs back for work colleagues if I was the type of person to buy souvenirs. I also invite colleagues out for coffee, drinks, meals, days out, camping trips that include nights away. I will go for lunch with colleagues, I have got silly gifts for some (a plant), brought chocolate etc. I occasionally text colleagues out of work hours and don't give it a second thought. I'm not trying to get involved with any of them, break up any marriages or relationships etc.

 

Why should your husband tell her to leave her alone if it they are only friends as he says, it would come across as odd and tbh pretty arrogant. If he were to say my wife doesn't like it, it reflects poorly on you, if you were to approach her yourself then you will look like a bunny boiler, possessive controlling wife.

 

Without context I'm not sure if she has any interest in your husband. Did she bring souvenirs for others at work? Did she invite a few colleagues for coffee after work or was it during lunch break (hardly romantic). Are the texts in any way suggestive or in appropriate? I think if someone contacted me to tell me my theoretical spouse was having an affair on the basis of they text them and asked them out for coffee and bought them an inexpensive gift I would laugh my head off.

 

The main issue I see is that your husband says he likes the attention. I would read that as he likes the attention from her and also likes the attention from you being aggravated.

 

Liking attention is not a reason to associate with someone on a friendly basis or otherwise, if it is genuinely platonic on her part he seems to be using her for an ego boost whilst simultaneously making her the focus point for your jealousy (which perhaps he is intentionally stirring up in you?)

 

I agree with the others that is yours and your husbands job to maintain boundaries, not anyone else's. If you don't have the same boundaries in mind then perhaps you are not compatible?

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Am I missing something? I wouldn't think twice about bringing souvenirs back for work colleagues if I was the type of person to buy souvenirs. I also invite colleagues out for coffee, drinks, meals, days out, camping trips that include nights away. I will go for lunch with colleagues, I have got silly gifts for some (a plant), brought chocolate etc. I occasionally text colleagues out of work hours and don't give it a second thought. I'm not trying to get involved with any of them, break up any marriages or relationships etc.

 

I wonder about this, too. I am quite good friends with a few of my coworkers, male and female, and have contact with them outside work. It's entirely platonic. We're all friends and nobody is trying to interfere in the others' relationships.

 

Do you know if there's more to this than just a friendly coworker, OP? Based on what you wrote, I don't really see anything that indicates she is trying to break up your marriage.

 

That said, your husband admits he enjoys the attention. He is the issue, not her. Has he previously given you a reason to believe his head would easily be turned toward another woman? How was your marriage before this woman started befriending him? I would be concerned that despite whatever her intentions may be, he is not exactly the type to enforce an appropriate boundary.

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Could it be, that this is the reason his previous marriage ended OP? Maybe he is unable to be happy unless he gets attention from a lot of women. If even your couples' therapist recommended he stopped for the sake of your marriage then you KNOW you are not the one being "crazy" or controlling. He is putting you in a position of stress and worries, where you eventually even consider confronting the other woman. This is highly inappropriate, specially so since he knows you two are in trouble. He cares about the thrill much more then you two. Is he always this selfish?

 

He does it only to soothe his ego. Don't let him and her drag you down with them, you're better than this. Take drastic measures, he has shown you how much he respects your marriage. Don't give him the drama that he wants. He has already chosen to be this jerk who walks all over his wife's feelings, don't mind his. Do your own therapy and go see a lawyer. It's time he knew things are much more serious.

 

If you want to confront her, don't waste your time with face to face. Don't fight for a man who is too lazy and selfish to even stop filling his ego with another woman. No woman should NEED to tell another woman to back off, that is the man's job. If it wouldn't be her, it would be some other woman. Do what Lost suggested if you want to send them a message. Her husband is likely miserable too. I agree with Lost that cheaters don't deserve sympathy, they have shown you none. Let them see the consequences of their choices, this is real life not some drama movie.

Ii would simply start proceedings to divorce him and then also send her husband a heads up if I felt it was necessary.

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Agree. Was this issue with his needing female attention or cheating part of his previous marriage? Was cheating or jealousy part of your previous marriage?

 

"Statistics show that in the U.S., 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

 

Second marriages have difficulty for a number of reasons. First, once a person discovers that he or she can manage a divorce, they are less scared of going through the process again. If things get tough, they may call in the divorce attorneys and use the same exit strategy they used to solve the problems in their last relationship.

 

Some people simply choose another wrong person or they bring the same emotional issues from one relationship to another."

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You’ve all given me a few important things to consider. I agree I may be shifting blame only to the woman and not realizing it’s my husband. Although our counselor basically told him that if he likes her attention and that makes me feel uncomfortable that he needed to convey that to the woman. When we got married he and I had both lost our spouses. So we met and fell in love with a deep understanding of one another. We don’t have any children. It’s just us and until this woman came along we’ve been so happy. We both have good families too. Maybe it really is just a friendship and I’m making more out of it. I work too and would never think to ask a man out or bring him gifts. I did ask my husband if she brings gifts to other people in the office and he said he doesn’t know but doesn’t think so. My take on it is that there was something starting between them but he backed off and after awhile either she pursued him again or he just can’t stay away.

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I'd consider why I believe that policing my husband's work friendships is helpful to our relationship? This is a grown man, who I either believe is capable of managing his own work and social interactions--or not. If not, what am I doing married to him?

 

Either I can trust a partner, or I cannot. If I believe that he's trustworthy, then his interactions are his own business. If I believe that he is NOT trustworthy, then his interactions remain his own business while I pursue my exit.

 

Policing a spouse would not be on the table for me.

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Gary has a good point, he is being really selfish and looking for attention. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Ask him how he would feel it this was you, bonding so much with another man.

 

He even said to you he doesn't think she brings anyone else gifts, so he secretly hopes she doesn't because he wants her to have a crush on him. That is kind of sick really, not trustworthy behaviour in my opinion. I wouldn't stand for it, but you must decide what you find to be a breach of your boundaries. I would go out with my colleagues too, but not one on one with male colleagues, if I would bring gifts, I would bring them for everyone or bring one big one for the whole office. Definitely would not be focusing on one man in the office, text him a lot and go out together. Sounds like a relationship in the making to me.

 

Talk to your therapist about this more, if it bothers you this much it is likely because your gut is telling you something. What you are saying here is, to my understanding, your relationship was great until she came along. Now it is in danger. Doesn't this scare your husband? Does he not care his marriage is breaking due to his need for other women's attention? Is he really this selfish?

 

Only you know how much you are willing to tolerate. Only you know if you are willing to share your man with another (married no less) woman.. what does her husband say about this? Maybe you should ask your husband what the woman's husband thinks, if he even knows.

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You’ve all given me a few important things to consider. I agree I may be shifting blame only to the woman and not realizing it’s my husband. Although our counselor basically told him that if he likes her attention and that makes me feel uncomfortable that he needed to convey that to the woman. When we got married he and I had both lost our spouses. So we met and fell in love with a deep understanding of one another. We don’t have any children. It’s just us and until this woman came along we’ve been so happy. We both have good families too. Maybe it really is just a friendship and I’m making more out of it. I work too and would never think to ask a man out or bring him gifts. I did ask my husband if she brings gifts to other people in the office and he said he doesn’t know but doesn’t think so. My take on it is that there was something starting between them but he backed off and after awhile either she pursued him again or he just can’t stay away.

 

Both your spouses passed away? I am so sorry

While I agree he has to stop this, at a certain point I understand the need to defend your marriage if your spouse will not.

I think the big red flag is "i like the attention" on his part.

Coworkers sometimes bring eachother souvenirs (my coworkers and i did that but we would be bringing a little thing for everyone in the office and it had to be a major trip like going overseas) -- that can be normal but texting when it should be YOUR time and its not about work (not "sorry to bother you, but i forgot - i was supposed to tell you Boss wants us at the meeting 15 minutes early but just chit chat).

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Both your spouses passed away? I am so sorry

While I agree he has to stop this, at a certain point I understand the need to defend your marriage if your spouse will not.

I think the big red flag is "i like the attention" on his part.

Coworkers sometimes bring eachother souvenirs (my coworkers and i did that but we would be bringing a little thing for everyone in the office and it had to be a major trip like going overseas) -- that can be normal but texting when it should be YOUR time and its not about work (not "sorry to bother you, but i forgot - i was supposed to tell you Boss wants us at the meeting 15 minutes early but just chit chat).

 

Exactly. There are a ton of signs that this friendship is crossing boundaries and let’s call a spade a spade any man or woman when their counselor said to help the marriage tell this person to back off and they don’t? Red flag. I have extremely close friendships with my coworkers I talk to them outside of work all the time, but if I needed to take a step back to save my marriage I’d do it.

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Exactly. There are a ton of signs that this friendship is crossing boundaries and let’s call a spade a spade any man or woman when their counselor said to help the marriage tell this person to back off and they don’t? Red flag. I have extremely close friendships with my coworkers I talk to them outside of work all the time, but if I needed to take a step back to save my marriage I’d do it.

 

Honestly, i would get personal satisfaction from inviting this woman and her husband to dinner - and during the dinner bring it up! Mark your territory and say "hey, i just wanted to invite you out to let you know that Mr. OP has a loving wife and that texting him at all hours and giving him little gifts is something that doesn't belong in our marriage, what about you MR. Floozy's husband? Do you think that's kosher?" Maybe that's not the right move, but i would be eating it up.

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Honestly, i would get personal satisfaction from inviting this woman and her husband to dinner - and during the dinner bring it up! Mark your territory and say "hey, i just wanted to invite you out to let you know that Mr. OP has a loving wife and that texting him at all hours and giving him little gifts is something that doesn't belong in our marriage, what about you MR. Floozy's husband? Do you think that's kosher?" Maybe that's not the right move, but i would be eating it up.

 

This totally made my day, lol.

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Confronting her would only be a tiny part of trying to save your marriage from infidelity.

Is is not desirable to do so, but if the occasion accidentally arose you would do it once and only once.

 

You would say: "Stay [the eff] away from my husband."

Remember, only ONCE! Anything more would be viewed as weakness and encourage more infidelity.

 

Why? It's not about her!

 

If you interested in saving your marriage, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book and don't confuse Dobson with today's watered-down, hate-laced knockoffs.)

 

 

P.S. Do you think you may be in a rebound, non-marriage?

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Speaking as someone who's done that, and gotten the T-Shirt, if you've discussed that his behavior is inappropriate, bad for the marriage, and unacceptable, take screenshots of their conversations, and email them to yourself. Save them in case you need them. Search for any emails, deleted, hidden away for more evidence. And block her number on his phone. Then ask yourself, if this is worst thing about him, can you accept it. And if it boils your blood for more than 3 days, ask him to leave, or make your demands. Don't be afraid to be on your own. What he is doing is SOOOOO Selfish.

 

And OP my dear, she is not the 1st.

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