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Thread: Is it ever a good idea to confront the person trying to break up your marriage?

  1. #11
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    Am I missing something? I wouldn't think twice about bringing souvenirs back for work colleagues if I was the type of person to buy souvenirs. I also invite colleagues out for coffee, drinks, meals, days out, camping trips that include nights away. I will go for lunch with colleagues, I have got silly gifts for some (a plant), brought chocolate etc. I occasionally text colleagues out of work hours and don't give it a second thought. I'm not trying to get involved with any of them, break up any marriages or relationships etc.

    Why should your husband tell her to leave her alone if it they are only friends as he says, it would come across as odd and tbh pretty arrogant. If he were to say my wife doesn't like it, it reflects poorly on you, if you were to approach her yourself then you will look like a bunny boiler, possessive controlling wife.

    Without context I'm not sure if she has any interest in your husband. Did she bring souvenirs for others at work? Did she invite a few colleagues for coffee after work or was it during lunch break (hardly romantic). Are the texts in any way suggestive or in appropriate? I think if someone contacted me to tell me my theoretical spouse was having an affair on the basis of they text them and asked them out for coffee and bought them an inexpensive gift I would laugh my head off.

    The main issue I see is that your husband says he likes the attention. I would read that as he likes the attention from her and also likes the attention from you being aggravated.

    Liking attention is not a reason to associate with someone on a friendly basis or otherwise, if it is genuinely platonic on her part he seems to be using her for an ego boost whilst simultaneously making her the focus point for your jealousy (which perhaps he is intentionally stirring up in you?)

    I agree with the others that is yours and your husbands job to maintain boundaries, not anyone else's. If you don't have the same boundaries in mind then perhaps you are not compatible?
    Last edited by thornz; 02-17-2019 at 04:07 AM. Reason: Accidental post

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    Am I missing something? I wouldn't think twice about bringing souvenirs back for work colleagues if I was the type of person to buy souvenirs. I also invite colleagues out for coffee, drinks, meals, days out, camping trips that include nights away. I will go for lunch with colleagues, I have got silly gifts for some (a plant), brought chocolate etc. I occasionally text colleagues out of work hours and don't give it a second thought. I'm not trying to get involved with any of them, break up any marriages or relationships etc.
    I wonder about this, too. I am quite good friends with a few of my coworkers, male and female, and have contact with them outside work. It's entirely platonic. We're all friends and nobody is trying to interfere in the others' relationships.

    Do you know if there's more to this than just a friendly coworker, OP? Based on what you wrote, I don't really see anything that indicates she is trying to break up your marriage.

    That said, your husband admits he enjoys the attention. He is the issue, not her. Has he previously given you a reason to believe his head would easily be turned toward another woman? How was your marriage before this woman started befriending him? I would be concerned that despite whatever her intentions may be, he is not exactly the type to enforce an appropriate boundary.

  3. #13
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    Could it be, that this is the reason his previous marriage ended OP? Maybe he is unable to be happy unless he gets attention from a lot of women. If even your couples' therapist recommended he stopped for the sake of your marriage then you KNOW you are not the one being "crazy" or controlling. He is putting you in a position of stress and worries, where you eventually even consider confronting the other woman. This is highly inappropriate, specially so since he knows you two are in trouble. He cares about the thrill much more then you two. Is he always this selfish?

    He does it only to soothe his ego. Don't let him and her drag you down with them, you're better than this. Take drastic measures, he has shown you how much he respects your marriage. Don't give him the drama that he wants. He has already chosen to be this jerk who walks all over his wife's feelings, don't mind his. Do your own therapy and go see a lawyer. It's time he knew things are much more serious.

    If you want to confront her, don't waste your time with face to face. Don't fight for a man who is too lazy and selfish to even stop filling his ego with another woman. No woman should NEED to tell another woman to back off, that is the man's job. If it wouldn't be her, it would be some other woman. Do what Lost suggested if you want to send them a message. Her husband is likely miserable too. I agree with Lost that cheaters don't deserve sympathy, they have shown you none. Let them see the consequences of their choices, this is real life not some drama movie.
    Ii would simply start proceedings to divorce him and then also send her husband a heads up if I felt it was necessary.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Was this issue with his needing female attention or cheating part of his previous marriage? Was cheating or jealousy part of your previous marriage?

    "Statistics show that in the U.S., 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

    Second marriages have difficulty for a number of reasons. First, once a person discovers that he or she can manage a divorce, they are less scared of going through the process again. If things get tough, they may call in the divorce attorneys and use the same exit strategy they used to solve the problems in their last relationship.

    Some people simply choose another wrong person or they bring the same emotional issues from one relationship to another."

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  6. #15
    Youíve all given me a few important things to consider. I agree I may be shifting blame only to the woman and not realizing itís my husband. Although our counselor basically told him that if he likes her attention and that makes me feel uncomfortable that he needed to convey that to the woman. When we got married he and I had both lost our spouses. So we met and fell in love with a deep understanding of one another. We donít have any children. Itís just us and until this woman came along weíve been so happy. We both have good families too. Maybe it really is just a friendship and Iím making more out of it. I work too and would never think to ask a man out or bring him gifts. I did ask my husband if she brings gifts to other people in the office and he said he doesnít know but doesnít think so. My take on it is that there was something starting between them but he backed off and after awhile either she pursued him again or he just canít stay away.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd consider why I believe that policing my husband's work friendships is helpful to our relationship? This is a grown man, who I either believe is capable of managing his own work and social interactions--or not. If not, what am I doing married to him?

    Either I can trust a partner, or I cannot. If I believe that he's trustworthy, then his interactions are his own business. If I believe that he is NOT trustworthy, then his interactions remain his own business while I pursue my exit.

    Policing a spouse would not be on the table for me.

  8. #17
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Go find a man text buddy for yourself and see how he feels - maybe he will see the light when the shoe is on the other foot.

  9. #18
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    Gary has a good point, he is being really selfish and looking for attention. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Ask him how he would feel it this was you, bonding so much with another man.

    He even said to you he doesn't think she brings anyone else gifts, so he secretly hopes she doesn't because he wants her to have a crush on him. That is kind of sick really, not trustworthy behaviour in my opinion. I wouldn't stand for it, but you must decide what you find to be a breach of your boundaries. I would go out with my colleagues too, but not one on one with male colleagues, if I would bring gifts, I would bring them for everyone or bring one big one for the whole office. Definitely would not be focusing on one man in the office, text him a lot and go out together. Sounds like a relationship in the making to me.

    Talk to your therapist about this more, if it bothers you this much it is likely because your gut is telling you something. What you are saying here is, to my understanding, your relationship was great until she came along. Now it is in danger. Doesn't this scare your husband? Does he not care his marriage is breaking due to his need for other women's attention? Is he really this selfish?

    Only you know how much you are willing to tolerate. Only you know if you are willing to share your man with another (married no less) woman.. what does her husband say about this? Maybe you should ask your husband what the woman's husband thinks, if he even knows.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by NoosaLover
    Youíve all given me a few important things to consider. I agree I may be shifting blame only to the woman and not realizing itís my husband. Although our counselor basically told him that if he likes her attention and that makes me feel uncomfortable that he needed to convey that to the woman. When we got married he and I had both lost our spouses. So we met and fell in love with a deep understanding of one another. We donít have any children. Itís just us and until this woman came along weíve been so happy. We both have good families too. Maybe it really is just a friendship and Iím making more out of it. I work too and would never think to ask a man out or bring him gifts. I did ask my husband if she brings gifts to other people in the office and he said he doesnít know but doesnít think so. My take on it is that there was something starting between them but he backed off and after awhile either she pursued him again or he just canít stay away.
    Both your spouses passed away? I am so sorry
    While I agree he has to stop this, at a certain point I understand the need to defend your marriage if your spouse will not.
    I think the big red flag is "i like the attention" on his part.
    Coworkers sometimes bring eachother souvenirs (my coworkers and i did that but we would be bringing a little thing for everyone in the office and it had to be a major trip like going overseas) -- that can be normal but texting when it should be YOUR time and its not about work (not "sorry to bother you, but i forgot - i was supposed to tell you Boss wants us at the meeting 15 minutes early but just chit chat).

  11. #20
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Both your spouses passed away? I am so sorry
    While I agree he has to stop this, at a certain point I understand the need to defend your marriage if your spouse will not.
    I think the big red flag is "i like the attention" on his part.
    Coworkers sometimes bring eachother souvenirs (my coworkers and i did that but we would be bringing a little thing for everyone in the office and it had to be a major trip like going overseas) -- that can be normal but texting when it should be YOUR time and its not about work (not "sorry to bother you, but i forgot - i was supposed to tell you Boss wants us at the meeting 15 minutes early but just chit chat).
    Exactly. There are a ton of signs that this friendship is crossing boundaries and letís call a spade a spade any man or woman when their counselor said to help the marriage tell this person to back off and they donít? Red flag. I have extremely close friendships with my coworkers I talk to them outside of work all the time, but if I needed to take a step back to save my marriage Iíd do it.

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