GF says she's depressed

Hello, I am embarrassed to admit that I only visit this forum seeking advice. There are plenty of great reminders on here and when things are unclear in my relationships, this is the first place I come. Thank you in advance.

I've dated this woman a little over 6 months and its been great. Sure, weve had ups and downs but its a solid relationship.

She's 4 years younger than me still trying to figure out life/what she wants to do career wise. I only recently began a high paying job with great security.

She tends to be a loner if shes not working or spending time with me. She vocalizes she'd rather not see and talk to everybody when there is a social event. So she usually declines invitations for any type of social function. (likes to smoke pot) I go anyway or stay at home.

Today, as I was about to drop her off she said she needed to tell me something. She said started by saying it had nothing to do with us, but she has been depressed lately. Said it was a because of stress on finding a job, her miserable boss, and loss feeling. She apologized if she was displaying any type of attitude or pettiness towards me. Mentioned that she had this issue in University and she doesn't feel peppy in the morning and would rather lay in bed.

We pulled into her driveway and I said Im here if you need anything. She kissed me and said, "I Love you".

I understand this is unrealistic but I feel somewhat responsible? As the man and leader in the relationship, I'd like to guide us to green pastures. Steer the ship to calm waters. But I know this isnt my issue....its hers.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

What she described sounds like the beginnings of depression, as she said. You have no bearing on her mental health, assuming you're a supportive and loving boyfriend. There are strategies she needs to employ for herself if she wants to reduce her depression. Reducing substance use, increasing daily meaningful activity, and seeing a mental health professional all could help.

Just remember, you're her boyfriend and not her doctor. Don't try to fix her.

I'll tell you that if you end up being the sole center of her universe, since she has no social support systems besides you, that when you emerge from this honeymoon period, you will end up feeling smothered. You need to think beyond today and ask yourself if this is going to work for you long run, when she will reject you having another couple over for dinner, or going to things like a New Years party with a group of your friends, and if you want to go hiking or on a vacation but she'd rather sleep and smoke pot at home.

Many jobs conduct regular drug tests so what will happen if she does get a job and is fired because of the drugs in her system? What if you two, years later, had children and one of them got sick at school and had to be picked up by her but she was too high to drive?

What if she chooses not to get help for her depression and you have to walk on eggshells or get lonely because she's too morose and wants to isolate herself?

These are things you should be considering when deciding on a longterm partner. I'd ask her if she is going to get help for her depression. Maybe ask her is she thinks she's trying to self-medicate with the marijuana. It's up to you if you want to stick around to see if she helps herself, but if she doesn't, don't think it's a bad thing to say this isn't the partner you want for your one precious life on this earth. Because no matter her good points, depression and narcotics use are serious matters. My first husband suffered from depression, and if I could go back in time, I would've told my young self to walk away.

Apparently she likes pot so much that she jeopardizes her job, mental health and relationships for it. Do not try to fix her. Read up on 'Amotivational syndrome'.

likes to smoke pot

US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health:

"Amotivational syndrome is a chronic psychiatric disorder characterized by a variety of changes in personality, emotions and cognitive functions such as lack of activity, inward-turning, avolition, apathy, incoherence, blunted affect, inability to concentrate and memory disturbance. The syndrome was first described among those patients with a history of longtime cannabis use in the 1960's."

She tends to be a loner if shes not working or spending time with me. She vocalizes she'd rather not see and talk to everybody when there is a social event. So she usually declines invitations for any type of social function

Is this what you want in GF, much less a future partner?

Relationships are not therapy, and people are not projects. If you want to stick around to play social worker, that's not against the law. It just won't buy you a better relationship, and it will entangle you in a fantasy that you are somehow responsible for making someone else happy and functional. That appears to be the idea you're already grappling with, and it's a future-killer.

We never get any time back to live over again, and rather than being helpful to GF, it's disrespectful and ignores crediting her with the autonomy that is her own.

I'd tell GF that I adore her and can picture the two of us together in the future, however, my future involves a healthy social life surrounded by friends, family and public events. If she ever works out her private stuff and can envision sharing that kind of future with me, she can reach out to let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

Done, and with your door left open a crack. Should GF heap guilt on you for not sticking around, you'd be smart to walk away permanently.

Is this what you want in GF, much less a future partner?

 

Relationships are not therapy, and people are not projects. If you want to stick around to play social worker, that's not against the law. It just won't buy you a better relationship, and it will entangle you in a fantasy that you are somehow responsible for making someone else happy and functional. That appears to be the idea you're already grappling with, and it's a future-killer.

 

We never get any time back to live over again, and rather than being helpful to GF, it's disrespectful and ignores crediting her with the autonomy that is her own.

 

I'd tell GF that I adore her and can picture the two of us together in the future, however, my future involves a healthy social life surrounded by friends, family and public events. If she ever works out her private stuff and can envision sharing that kind of future with me, she can reach out to let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

Done, and with your door left open a crack. Should GF heap guilt on you for not sticking around, you'd be smart to walk away permanently.

Many truth bombs here. I appreciate it.

She said she’s been hiding it from me because she wanted things to continue being happy and good in our relationship.

Her being depressed and doing drugs is not good.

Since she's trying to change jobs, see how that goes, give it some time. If the depression and drugs continue, try to get her to counseling. You can't do much by yourself except be her boyfriend, what you are already doing.