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Thread: Is breaking up the right thing to do?

  1. #1
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    Is breaking up the right thing to do?

    This story is complicated. I would appreciate some perspective.
    My partner and I are in our 30s. A year ago, he went to his friend's wedding in Brazil but I could not go because I did not have enough annual leave left so he went alone to be best man.
    When he went to Brazil, my divorce was being finalised (I was separated from ex-Husband a year at this point because he was having an affair) and my partner and I had been steadily dating 3 months.

    I told my partner I could not be "boyfriend and girlfriend" as this was an ugly process I was going through and I wanted to protect him from the legal battle I was in. I also had pressure from family not to be in a serious relationship and needed time to get though this but I wanted to stay exclusive and keep dating. I thought he understood.


    My partner was pushing me to be serious however we were sleeping together, spending every weekend together and had been on a holiday away together. We agreed to be exclusive and the WHOLE holiday he was messaging me that he missed me, wanted me there, sent pics of the wedding and told me he couldn't stop thinking about me. I was so pleased that he kept in touch so much, so much that I thoguht he was only interested in me.

    A couple of weekends ago, I was thinking about the past and asked him if anything happened in Brazil, and he told me he couldn't lie anymore, he took his friend's wedding planner on a date when he was out there, kissed her at the end and they briefly kept in touch sending pictures to each other.

    When he came back and we were official, he said he told her he had a girlfriend and she wanted to keep in touch as friends. I never knew about it but I had my suspicions as when he was in Brazil, I received a number of messages telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me, wished I was there but then got one from him saying "I want to see you again". He told me it meant he wanted to see a picture of me which I knew was BS. The message was meant for this girl.

    I don't know why, something snapped in me last weekend and I pestered him to tell me what happened and why I got that message.

    He has lied about this when I've brought it up a few times before. He said nothing else happened, the date was boring and the kiss horrible, and he didn't want to tell me as he knew he would lose me.

    We had a rough time a few months ago, and I seen he was searching for her on Facebook. We ended up splitting briefly and he started following her and revealed he was in contact with her again the whole 3 weeks we were split, he said he just wanted some attention and knew where to get it.

    Fast forward, we are working on things and this guy wants to settle down with me but I have my doubts. He believes he was wrong, but doesn't think what he did was so terrible. I think it was so terrible. To keep up an illusion that he was totally devoted to me. I even agreed to be in a relationship with him on the basis I genuinely believed I could trust him as nothing happened in Brazil and I was being crazy to think something had.

    Now, I don't know how to proceed. We now live together and share a beautiful home and a dog. I really don't know if I can trust him again.
    It killls me that he got back in touch with her only a few months ago and that just shows me that he does not respect me, but he says I'm making too big of a deal out of this.

    I feel like I can't trust him. Should I cut my losses or try to work on trust?

  2. #2
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    Yes move on he already showed that he can't be trusted. He only came clean because he was already caught in a lie. By bringing it up he wanted it to seem like it was voluntarily so you can forgive him but he knew he was caught or else he would of never said anything. I would move on.

  3. #3
    Member BreadStick's Avatar
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    I agree with Edition, he would never have said anything if he was not caught. He also admitted he does not think he did anything bad and does not feel guilty. He will do this again, maybe with another woman, maybe with the same one. How can you be sure that he is being faithful whenever he leaves somewhere without you? I would not be able to trust him again.

    If he showed true remorse, maybe, but I really believe, based also on experience, cheaters don't change. How can you trust him when he says nothing happened? Don't let him have his cake and eat it too, he does not deserve you.

  4. #4
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    OP, you've already posted this: [Register to see the link]

    Did you not like the replies in that thread?

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  6. #5
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    Yes, you got two entire pages of responses to your identical thread posted just a few days ago.

    Those same people are still on this site, do you want them to re-respond? The advice will probably be the same.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Replied in your identical thread: [Register to see the link]

  8. #7
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Sorry, but he made it clear he wanted more and you kept him at a distance. What he did while you were not exclusive is none of your business and there was no reason for him to tell you.

    How sure are you that HE understood the exclusive agreement while he was in Brazil??

    Iím sorry, but if Iíve only been seeing someone for three months, and theyíre keeping me at a distance because they are still married and working through a divorce, AND I got to go abroad for some fun...I would do whatever I wanted as well.

    I think you have expected far too much from a guy that you havenít given very much for.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I don't like his dishonesty, or the fact that he tried to minimize the fact that he went behind your back. I would be gone.

  10. #9
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    I could not see my post at all - thank you!


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