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Thread: Why do I always go for the unavailable?

  1. #1

    Why do I always go for the unavailable?

    This scenario has happened to me several times. Basically Iíll develop a crush on a popular boy in school whoís a sort of class clown and plays sports (not because of that, but it is an important detail) and befriend him. As the friendship deepens, the more my feelings develop until I genuinely like the guy, and heíll do things that I would take as a sign that heís also interested in me. For example, he may sit at the same table my friend and I are sitting at when I didnít motion him over, jog to catch up with me while Iím walking somewhere, give me compliments on my appearance or abilities, walk very close to me where our arms touch, hold a hug for a bit too long, stare a bit too intensely into my eyes, etc etc. And this will go on until everyone who sees us assumes weíre a couple, and I begin to think it may turn into something more. However, every time I try to make a move or try to advance things, he immediately rejects me. This is so confusing to me, not to mention frustrating, to have all the signs to read but no going through with becoming a thing. And Iíve thought a lot about why this could possibly be, and i canít think of any other reason other than heís embarrassed that he likes me, or even ashamed, because I am nowhere near popular and Iím generally seen as a loner/weirdo/intimidating and heís worried what his friends will think? What do you think is the reason this keeps happening?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like you approach them in a way that gets you friendzoned. It also sounds like you approach them with a hidden agenda/ in a way that you are misrepresenting what you really want. Loner/weirdo/intimidating does not sound desirable and does not sound very compatible with jock/clown so while these people may like you as a friend/are attracted to some of your qualities, at the end of the day they may want someone more like them as girlfriend. They probably enjoy the ego boost once they eventually catch on to your crush, hence the signs you mention, but when the push comes to shove, they may want someone who is more athletic and carefree, like them. Imo, it would be best to rethink your approach when it comes to crushes so as not to misrepresent yourself in the beginning and also work on improving whatever comes off as loner/intimidating to your peers. While it is probably a comfortable defense mechanism, it probably also keeps away people who may be nice and more compatible to you than you realize.

    P.S. Most girls develop a crush for popular boys in school so imo there is nothing special about that. They are popular for a reason.
    Last edited by Clio; 02-16-2019 at 03:29 AM.

  3. #3
    Haha oh trust me I know popular boys have lots of girls that like them. Hearing about it all the time made me so jealous back in the day.

    I didnít have a whole lot of detail in my posts so I get the misconceptions... but to clarify some stuff, typically I donít go out of my way to befriend people because Iím so anxious about it. And if I find them attractive, I often would even go so far as to pretend to ignore them and just admire them from afar. Becoming friends with these guys usually just starts with us being seated together in class or something and it evolves over time.

    And youíre right that the kind of perception most people have of me as a loner isnít appealing; I wouldnít be interested in a super quiet person who doesnít seem interested in interacting with anyone either. And thatís mostly a side effect of my depression/social anxiety that is (as you said) a comfortable defense mechanism and youíre right that i should work on that. I figured that they were only leading me on to stroke their egos too... I mean, everyone wants to feel wanted and Iím sure most people have lead someone on before. But a couple times I have been told by their friend that they liked me. Like specifically I remember one time a friend of his who Iíd never met had a class with me and when he learned my name he made a remark about this guy liking me, but I just went red and didnít know how to respond to that lol. I figured that was just him messing with me or trying to get a reaction out of me though.

    Misrepresenting what I want is a completely valid point too. Iím never upfront with exactly what Iím thinking for fear of being rejected, but I guess I could just be sabotaging myself. Hell, I never even flat out confessed my feelings to these guysí faces, so I guess I never shouldíve expected it to go anywhere when Iíd never bring up what we were and just kinda let it sit the way it was because I was afraid of losing it altogether...

    My question was more along the lines of why do I keep going for guys who I know will never go for me because Iím either friend zoned or heís embarrassed to admit that he likes the weird loner girl? Should I just lower my standards lmao

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    How do you "know" that they would never go for you though? This sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy. You yourself admit that you are never upfront for fear of being rejected. Guys have similar fears. Expecting them to take all the risks may well be one of the reasons things never progressed. In addition, it may be that you are going for superficial guys who are all about appearances. Seeking out guys with more substance would be upgrading your standards, not lowering them. If you consistently focus on appearances, that's not much of a high standard. Apart from the jocks, there are probably people in your school who are attractive with all kinds of diverse interests as well. It may be a matter of adding to your standards rather than lowering them. Finally, if you consistently like people who are into fitness, you may want to invest time in becoming one if you are not. It would be good for your health and self-esteem among other benefits.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Three things. One is you have to treat others how you wish to be treated. That means be friendly, smile, say hello, act nice, etc. Secondly you have to learn first hand of someone's interest by their direct interaction with you, not hearsay. Thirdly read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" to quickly identify the time wasters and confusing signals.

    The best approach is to join some clubs or groups or sports and develop some diversified interests so you can have more in common with other students and make more friends as well as develop more confident social skills. As far as any untreated anxiety/depression, etc. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and a therapist..
    Originally Posted by sparrowheart
    if I find them attractive, I often would even go so far as to pretend to ignore them and just admire them from afar. I wouldnít be interested in a super quiet person who doesnít seem interested in interacting with anyone either. a couple times I have been told by their friend that they liked me. why do I keep going for guys who I know will never go for me because Iím either friend zoned or heís embarrassed to admit that he likes the weird loner girl?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I too suffer from social anxiety and wish I would've sought help for it when I was your age. It would've saved me from needless years of regular misery. When you feel good within your own skin, you will attract, and be attracted to, people who are worthy of you.

    I've been in that situation too, when I had a crush on a guy and thought I was receiving signals he was interested. I learned that when a reasonable amount of time passed where he should've asked me out but didn't, that either he just wasn't that into me, or he was already in a relationship already that I didn't know about. In either of those cases, it's obvious those types of guys like the ego boost of hanging out with a fan.

    When you see that this is happening, it's best to start distancing yourself because you two have different goals. In that way, you can begin channeling your time and emotional energy into other people or activities. Take care.

  8. #7
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    High school social hierarchy is definitely a thing.

    A hundred years ago when I was in high school I wasn't in the "top" group. I went to a small private school where everyone knew everyone else. Some guys liked me in private but in front of their friends they wouldn't even talk to me.

    I would try getting to know a different sort of guy instead of the popular jock that everyone already likes. Once I discovered Drama Club and the guys there who didn't care about how popular I was or was not, things changed dramatically for me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sparrowheart

    My question was more along the lines of why do I keep going for guys who I know will never go for me because Iím either friend zoned or heís embarrassed to admit that he likes the weird loner girl? Should I just lower my standards lmao
    It may not be politically correct to say but well..yes...

    You just said you know the popular boys have lots of girls that like them, including you, but apparently you aren't attracting them, its an important reality to face, not everyone going to be attracted to us. Doesnt mean youre ugly, Im sure youre a lovely girl, but it sounds like youre going after men who dont see you how you see them.

    And Clio is right youre doing what many before you have done, attempting to backdoor your way into these peoples hearts, they dont owe you romantic involvement just because you befriended them.

  10. 02-17-2019, 09:02 PM


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