Roller Coaster of Emotions

Hello everyone, yesterday was my second month of no contact and IÂ’m kinda amazed how far IÂ’ve came but by no means am I out of the woods yet.

I got through ValentineÂ’s Day pretty easily. It seems once I get stressed about what IÂ’m going to do to make money and achieve my goals I worry about her less. I do wish she was here in these moments to help me.

One moment I think IÂ’ve planned my next step then it falls apart in my head and I fall back to thinking of my ex. Its been nearly three months since I last went to her Instagram page. She only really posted on there and she blocked me after I requested that she did so I couldnÂ’t see her stuff Tho one quick google search I could.

I always stop myself when I google her insta. I know if I did IÂ’d be greeted to her smiling and kissing the guy she left me for. Even tho I know it would hurt me I still google her name three times a day every other day when I feel sad but I always stop before looking at her social media.

I want a connection to her even tho I know itÂ’s not healthy. I want some meaning.

IÂ’ll be honest with everyone whoÂ’s reading this..

When I first met my ex I wasnÂ’t really into her. It took a couple of months for me to really get into her. It seemed that the only reason I was into her so much was because she cared about me so much. I saw her as a pure person who I could trust with anything and I loved her because of that I guess.

Our sex life was not that great. She was very pretty and had a nice body that I was attracted to but she had hygienal problems that really turned me off. Only in the last month of our relationship did I tell her and she was very upset about it. Tho I did tell her before kinda and she flipped out on me. Which made me afraid to bring it up until I was almost about to break up with her. It was honestly the biggest problem in the relationship to me..

She wasnÂ’t a clean person and I couldnÂ’t stand that. She rarely made up her mind for herself she always made choices based on other peopleÂ’s thoughts. In a way IÂ’m guilty of that as well. Part of the reason I was a was because I thought no one else could trump my opinions over her.

On and off during the relationship I thought about breaking up with her all the time. I loved her but idk maybe I was a maybe the things I didnÂ’t like about her cleanliness, sex, money, etc bothered me to the point I thought it wouldnÂ’t bother me if we broke up. I guess getting dumped for someone else complicated that because I always thought we would be a good terms or something.

During the last month of our relationship I thought I was ready to marry her. I was about to buy her a suv(that she wanted) and I had planned the trip I was going to where I was going to ask her to marry me. I was in love with her. The whole time she was thinking of leaving me.

She told me she had been thinking about it every day for two months. Her new bf finally gave her the guts to leave me. The way she cares for him amazes me and how quickly. Of course they where “friends” but she told me he made her feel a way I never did. All of this I wanted to know but it did hurt like a mfcker and still does kinda. It is what it is tho.

What surprises me is that she was talking about getting married to me up until the last week with me. IÂ’ll never know why that was probably. It just shocked me on how she did a complete 180 without any signs.

I never had a girl be so blunt with me about how we would never get back together and how she explained the things with this guy. She told me things that just blew me away. I begged her back told her sorry for things that I shouldÂ’ve been sorry for but I probably shouldÂ’ve waited to tell her. When she told me another guy was involved I knew it was over. I didnÂ’t want to believe she would do that but it was what it was. I think thatÂ’s been the biggest problem. Knowing I could never take her back even if she came back which I doubt she would anyway.

I said to her but what if I never see you again? She said thats what happens in a break up. She said she was sorry that she had to do this but she didnÂ’t love me anymore and hoped IÂ’d find another girl who I could marry.

I always thought I could do better if IÂ’m honest. Hear me out, she had a lot of things about her that I didnÂ’t like. Caused us to be really toxic at times. ItÂ’s like she didnÂ’t care about anything... the future, money being clean she made a lot of bad choices. It all annoyed me but yet I loved her and was willing to do whatever it took to work it out in the end.

ThatÂ’s usually how it goes tho right. One moves on while the other one has to figure out life again. Why? How? IÂ’m shook at how this all happened. Not one peep from her nothing at all. IÂ’m sure as long as sheÂ’s dating this guy I wonÂ’t hear anything. Curious I guess. Getting left for someone else sucks.

I guess IÂ’m just gonna go work in the oilfields and not have a social life for a couple years so I can open a business. When I focus on that my thoughts of her go away. BUTT THEN I GET STRESSED ON PLANNING A BUSINESS. Tbh that gets me way more. I want to be free. I want to share that freedom with someone else. Money is the way to be that.

I do wish my ex the best. I hope we both are happy in our lives. IÂ’d tell her that if she ever contacted me. I just hope now that I can actually become happy.

Only with her did I ever experience that sense of freedom that IÂ’ve been searching for. Ever experiencing that again seems so far away. Almost unreachable. LifeÂ’s all messed up. These next few years will be really hard I think. A lot of lonely nights and a lot of work. Maybe itÂ’s worth it in the end.

I want to look back and say that experiencing this made me a better person and helped me achieve my goals. I hope I can stop romanticizing the end of things and fully let go of her.

that’s odd. Â

Hi Austino96,

It will get better. The beauty about time is that not only does it heal wounds, it also brings us clarity.

In the beginning we are filled with Oxytocin amongst other stuff living in this blissful bubble we think to be the greatest of all. Suddenly our beautiful bubble bursts and we are at wits ends.

Time, however, is the revealer of truths. And truth sets you free.

Also, I strongly believe that happiness is a choice. And when you choose to be happy, despite your current circumstances, others are drawn to you.

Wishing you all the best!

It seems like when we don't care and hold off that's when they care most but as soon as you show emotional weakness than that's when they care less. It's always been like that. I see it in a lot of relationships. Don't come off as so available. Girls tend to want what they can't have it's like a little game for them. As soon as they get you hooked then they will bounce on to the next guy. I'm sorry to hear about this. I am the guy that used to go around hooking up with girls that have boyfriend's and or husbands and let me tell you. It's easier than with a single girl. All you have to do is treat her better than her man and WOE her and there it is. I made a mistake of getting into a relationship after 6 years. I should of stayed single I was enjoying it. But now I'm back so let's live on bro.

Forget the past girls come and go like seasons. We as humans beings are so unstable and unpredictable a relationship is just a heartache waiting to happen.

You should of kept that same repulsed attitude you had about her in the beginning of the relationship. She would of stayed all attached to you. But you showed weakness.

Stay strong. Bro.

We're all going to make it

So, I just read some of your previous posts. I have to say - abuse is never okay. You already know that. I truly hope that time will provide you with the clarity you need to learn from past mistakes.

So, I just read some of your previous posts. I have to say - abuse is never okay. You already know that. I truly hope that time will provide you with the clarity you need to learn from past mistakes.

I’m gonna have to agree with greendots here. You didn’t treat her right by the sound of it. You didn’t really want her. You thought she was dirty and she had funky spunk. You thought about breaking up with her constantly. You gotta grow up from this. You want her so badly now because she is with someone else. If she came running back to you, it would be exactly as it was before and you would still find fault with her so time to move on and take these hard lessons and a reason to be a better/more honest partner next time.

I’m gonna have to agree with greendots here. You didn’t treat her right by the sound of it. You didn’t really want her. You thought she was dirty and she had funky spunk. You thought about breaking up with her constantly. You gotta grow up from this. You want her so badly now because she is with someone else. If she came running back to you, it would be exactly as it was before and you would still find fault with her so time to move on and take these hard lessons and a reason to be a better/more honest partner next time.

Yeah I agree

She was a great girl, very sweet and loving. She stood by me threw my tuffest times. Without her I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the position of success I am today.

I know she doesn’t even think positively about me or think about me at all now. I messed it up and I deserved it. She will be the one that got away and the one that made me change. She will always have a special place in my heart and I truly hope she gets everything I couldn’t give her.

Well this excerpt comes from your original thread about your ex. She did a lot for you and if you are a decent person you have to pay back the loan she took for you. The last bolded sentence, you may not be able to give her the respect that she certainly dfeserves, but you could certainly give back the money she paid for you. Else all your emotional declaration about how much you value your ex and realise your mistakes, would appear as yet another one of your manipulations.

And yeah, like others said you seem to be sliding back to your abusive ways and punishing your ex by refusing to pay the loan. As per your own words, you are turning against the person who built you up to your current position of success and was with you through your toughest times.

You can't forgive her for turning to someone else.

All of your posts lament about how she did you wrong, how she allegedly left you for another guy, poor you! You leave out the abuse unless someone points it out. And now, as revenge for her leaving you and for choosing to use the money you gave her for your phone for something else, you refuse to pay back the loan she took out to help YOU financially, which by your own admission was life-changing.

You just can't let go of being left. That's your ego. Despite how smelly you say she was, she still won out in the end in your eyes. You can't believe this smelly funky unclean girl had the nerve to actually leave you! Again, your ego is suffering.

My ex feels the same way. I got tired of being lied to and deceived, so I left him. He was furious, not because he loved me so much (he didn't), but because no woman had EVER left him and his ego was shot. Well, he should have treated me better and maybe I would have stayed. But he didn't.

Now, I don't think you should spend the rest of your life groveling and obsessing and dwelling over this. This situation can be a great learning moment. Love the ones who love you instead of thinking you are superior and therefore have the right to abuse them. You can decide you want to be a better person. Not just writing "yeah, I know, I won't do it again" then in the next sentence start complaining about how she's doing you wrong, but really and honestly looking inward.

It's up to you how this plays out.

Well this excerpt comes from your original thread about your ex. She did a lot for you and if you are a decent person you have to pay back the loan she took for you. The last bolded sentence, you may not be able to give her the respect that she certainly dfeserves, but you could certainly give back the money she paid for you. Else all your emotional declaration about how much you value your ex and realise your mistakes, would appear as yet another one of your manipulations.

 

And yeah, like others said you seem to be sliding back to your abusive ways and punishing your ex by refusing to pay the loan. As per your own words, you are turning against the person who built you up to your current position of success and was with you through your toughest times.

I don’t agree with that. I get what you are saying but while I do want to pay it back and I do understand how I’ve gotten to where I am because of her.

I don’t want to pay back money to someone who is willing to screw me over by taking my money even if it’s because of how I acted back then.

I feel as tho I’m being punished past the fact. She has chosen to take my money and not own her part in what we discussed. I appreciate what she has done but I don’t appreciate what she is doing now after making it clear to me that it’s over.

You can't forgive her for turning to someone else.

 

All of your posts lament about how she did you wrong, how she allegedly left you for another guy, poor you! You leave out the abuse unless someone points it out. And now, as revenge for her leaving you and for choosing to use the money you gave her for your phone for something else, you refuse to pay back the loan she took out to help YOU financially, which by your own admission was life-changing.

 

You just can't let go of being left. That's your ego. Despite how smelly you say she was, she still won out in the end in your eyes. You can't believe this smelly funky unclean girl had the nerve to actually leave you! Again, your ego is suffering.

 

My ex feels the same way. I got tired of being lied to and deceived, so I left him. He was furious, not because he loved me so much (he didn't), but because no woman had EVER left him and his ego was shot. Well, he should have treated me better and maybe I would have stayed. But he didn't.

 

Now, I don't think you should spend the rest of your life groveling and obsessing and dwelling over this. This situation can be a great learning moment. Love the ones who love you instead of thinking you are superior and therefore have the right to abuse them. You can decide you want to be a better person. Not just writing "yeah, I know, I won't do it again" then in the next sentence start complaining about how she's doing you wrong, but really and honestly looking inward.

 

It's up to you how this plays out.

I should’ve treated her better.

I don’t talk to her, I’ve left her alone to live her life how she wants. After everything the hardest thing was just letting her walk away.

I feel after everything that’s happened I’ve given her what shes wanted and that’s to be rid of me. That hurts but I’ve done it because I know she has feelings and that I can’t control them or how she sees me. With everything in me I want to reach out to improve them, but there’s absolutely nothing I can do. Plus by doing that im disrespecting her choice to end the relationship(her feelings) and probably lying to myself about how good we where together.

I’m stuck between seeing what’s obvious in the fact that me and her weren’t good for each other and the fact that I cared/care so much for her.

When I wrote this it was an effort to help me see the truth because I keep romanticizing things. I have a habit of doing that not just in relationships but whenever things end in general.

I want to move on. I’m leaning more toward not paying back the loan because it’s just becoming a more attractive option in cutting all ties. In a way I know why she’s chose to not pay off the phone because it’s her effort to cut them to even tho it’s a little harsh.

My ego is suffering definitely but it’s the aftermath I guess of me not letting her just leave. She broke up with me and gave the reasons right after. She told me because I treated her bad and I couldn’t deny it because I did so I begged. I then chose to look inward and made my very first post on here after realizing I did manipulate and abuse her.

I looked for more answers and she then told me about this guy. She was so honest to the point I couldn’t believe it even about stuff she hidden from me during our relationship. It shook me because I felt like I didn’t know her and it still shakes me now after what she did recently. It feels like I’m just being punished over and over and over.

I’m not a bad guy.

I don’t agree with that. I get what you are saying but while I do want to pay it back and I do understand how I’ve gotten to where I am because of her.

 

I don’t want to pay back money to someone who is willing to screw me over by taking my money even if it’s because of how I acted back then.

 

 

I feel as tho I’m being punished past the fact. She has chosen to take my money and not own her part in what we discussed. I appreciate what she has done but I don’t appreciate what she is doing now after making it clear to me that it’s over.

Well, I'm not surprised that you disagree, which confirms that your abusiveness is very much in full swing and you haven't moved an inch forward. Because you know at the core of abuse is this sense of entitlement that you demonstrate in each and every post.

Basically your way of thinking is "yes, I'm allowed to treat people poorly, make them suffer, because I do not feel good in my own skin. I have the right to control them, put them down, rip off their self-esteem, because that makes me feel better about myself and makes me forget what a loser I'm (because deep down you know that you are a loser). But the people that I hurt have no right to lash back, or defend themselves. They should take my abuse, do not question my cruelty and continue treat me with kindness. Every now and then I will show to the world that I'm a good guy by throwing an apology, that is not a sincere one, but makes me look good to the external world and most importantly assuages my own guilt, this little voice of conscious that tells me I did cruel things to people whos only fault is that they treat me with kindness, rather than kick my butt for my bad behavior."

Well, this is in a nutshell your internal dialogue reflecting your deeply entrenched sense of entitlement.

I remember an anecdote from Lundy's Bankroft book "Why does he do that-in the minds of angry and controlling men", where he says that felons of domestic violence who were forced by the courts to attend re-education programmes, very often came to the classes thinking that the psychologist would be teaching them more sophisticated manipulations to use on their partners to obtain what they wanted (entitlement again). These men were there for a big surprise when the psychologist actually focused on their own entitled ways, and as you could imagine these abusers, the same like you were defending their sense of entitlement tooth and nail, like you do.

You are saying that you feel punished by your ex and this is why you feel free to punish her back by not paying the loan. Let me ask you a question: do you think that your ex has the right to be angry with you and lash at you for the way you were treating her for 3 long years? I would say, yest very much so, she has all right to be angry at you. You treated her bad-there's her reply.

Now, while her reaction is understandable, yours is not, because you were treating her cruelly without any provocation from her side, and you were treating her badly for 3 long years. How much does her suffering cost? Don't you think that you should pay for that? Or you expect to be forgiven just because you said "sorry"? Look, "sorry" is not a word, it is an action. And your actions show that actually you are not "sorry". Because you continue with the punishment, and you are plainly stealing money from the girl who supported you and was good to you.

I guess your own mother didn't help you with a loan because she knows that she will never see her money back. Your ex trusted you, boosted your progress, and got punish yet again for her kindness to you.

Well, I'm not surprised that you disagree, which confirms that your abusiveness is very much in full swing and you haven't moved an inch forward. Because you know at the core of abuse is this sense of entitlement that you demonstrate in each and every post.

 

Basically your way of thinking is "yes, I'm allowed to treat people poorly, make them suffer, because I do not feel good in my own skin. I have the right to control them, put them down, rip off their self-esteem, because that makes me feel better about myself and makes me forget what a loser I'm (because deep down you know that you are a loser). But the people that I hurt have no right to lash back, or defend themselves. They should take my abuse, do not question my cruelty and continue treat me with kindness. Every now and then I will show to the world that I'm a good guy by throwing an apology, that is not a sincere one, but makes me look good to the external world and most importantly assuages my own guilt, this little voice of conscious that tells me I did cruel things to people whos only fault is that they treat me with kindness, rather than kick my butt for my bad behavior."

 

 

Well, this is in a nutshell your internal dialogue reflecting your deeply entrenched sense of entitlement.

 

I remember an anecdote from Lundy's Bankroft book "Why does he do that-in the minds of angry and controlling men", where he says that felons of domestic violence who were forced by the courts to attend re-education programmes, very often came to the classes thinking that the psychologist would be teaching them more sophisticated manipulations to use on their partners to obtain what they wanted (entitlement again). These men were there for a big surprise when the psychologist actually focused on their own entitled ways, and as you could imagine these abusers, the same like you were defending their sense of entitlement tooth and nail, like you do.

 

You are saying that you feel punished by your ex and this is why you feel free to punish her back by not paying the loan. Let me ask you a question: do you think that your ex has the right to be angry with you and lash at you for the way you were treating her for 3 long years? I would say, yest very much so, she has all right to be angry at you. You treated her bad-there's her reply.

Now, while her reaction is understandable, yours is not, because you were treating her cruelly without any provocation from her side, and you were treating her badly for 3 long years. How much does her suffering cost? Don't you think that you should pay for that? Or you expect to be forgiven just because you said "sorry"? Look, "sorry" is not a word, it is an action. And your actions show that actually you are not "sorry". Because you continue with the punishment, and you are plainly stealing money from the girl who supported you and was good to you.

 

I guess your own mother didn't help you with a loan because she knows that she will never see her money back. Your ex trusted you, boosted your progress, and got punish yet again for her kindness to you.

Thanks for your input.

My only concern is of my money.

Please don’t comment on any of my posts again.

Your guess is wrong. I pay my mothers bills.

You abused your ex and your own family and you refuse to pay back money you owe your ex because she decided she was tired of taking your abuse and is dating someone else instead.

But you're nOT a bad guy.

Uh, ok then.

You feel like you're being punished over and over? Imagine how your ex felt when you were abusing her and reminding her how smelly and unclean she was.

But you're not a bad guy.