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Thread: Roller Coaster of Emotions

  1. #1
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    Roller Coaster of Emotions

    Hello everyone, yesterday was my second month of no contact and I’m kinda amazed how far I’ve came but by no means am I out of the woods yet.

    I got through Valentine’s Day pretty easily. It seems once I get stressed about what I’m going to do to make money and achieve my goals I worry about her less. I do wish she was here in these moments to help me.

    One moment I think I’ve planned my next step then it falls apart in my head and I fall back to thinking of my ex. Its been nearly three months since I last went to her Instagram page. She only really posted on there and she blocked me after I requested that she did so I couldn’t see her stuff Tho one quick google search I could.

    I always stop myself when I google her insta. I know if I did I’d be greeted to her smiling and kissing the guy she left me for. Even tho I know it would hurt me I still google her name three times a day every other day when I feel sad but I always stop before looking at her social media.

    I want a connection to her even tho I know it’s not healthy. I want some meaning.

    I’ll be honest with everyone who’s reading this..
    When I first met my ex I wasn’t really into her. It took a couple of months for me to really get into her. It seemed that the only reason I was into her so much was because she cared about me so much. I saw her as a pure person who I could trust with anything and I loved her because of that I guess.

    Our sex life was not that great. She was very pretty and had a nice body that I was attracted to but she had hygienal problems that really turned me off. Only in the last month of our relationship did I tell her and she was very upset about it. Tho I did tell her before kinda and she flipped out on me. Which made me afraid to bring it up until I was almost about to break up with her. It was honestly the biggest problem in the relationship to me..

    She wasn’t a clean person and I couldn’t stand that. She rarely made up her mind for herself she always made choices based on other people’s thoughts. In a way I’m guilty of that as well. Part of the reason I was a was because I thought no one else could trump my opinions over her.

    On and off during the relationship I thought about breaking up with her all the time. I loved her but idk maybe I was a maybe the things I didn’t like about her cleanliness, sex, money, etc bothered me to the point I thought it wouldn’t bother me if we broke up. I guess getting dumped for someone else complicated that because I always thought we would be a good terms or something.

    During the last month of our relationship I thought I was ready to marry her. I was about to buy her a suv(that she wanted) and I had planned the trip I was going to where I was going to ask her to marry me. I was in love with her. The whole time she was thinking of leaving me.

    She told me she had been thinking about it every day for two months. Her new bf finally gave her the guts to leave me. The way she cares for him amazes me and how quickly. Of course they where “friends” but she told me he made her feel a way I never did. All of this I wanted to know but it did hurt like a mfcker and still does kinda. It is what it is tho.

    What surprises me is that she was talking about getting married to me up until the last week with me. I’ll never know why that was probably. It just shocked me on how she did a complete 180 without any signs.

    I never had a girl be so blunt with me about how we would never get back together and how she explained the things with this guy. She told me things that just blew me away. I begged her back told her sorry for things that I should’ve been sorry for but I probably should’ve waited to tell her. When she told me another guy was involved I knew it was over. I didn’t want to believe she would do that but it was what it was. I think that’s been the biggest problem. Knowing I could never take her back even if she came back which I doubt she would anyway.
    I said to her but what if I never see you again? She said thats what happens in a break up. She said she was sorry that she had to do this but she didn’t love me anymore and hoped I’d find another girl who I could marry.

    I always thought I could do better if I’m honest. Hear me out, she had a lot of things about her that I didn’t like. Caused us to be really toxic at times. It’s like she didn’t care about anything... the future, money being clean she made a lot of bad choices. It all annoyed me but yet I loved her and was willing to do whatever it took to work it out in the end.

    That’s usually how it goes tho right. One moves on while the other one has to figure out life again. Why? How? I’m shook at how this all happened. Not one peep from her nothing at all. I’m sure as long as she’s dating this guy I won’t hear anything. Curious I guess. Getting left for someone else sucks.

    I guess I’m just gonna go work in the oilfields and not have a social life for a couple years so I can open a business. When I focus on that my thoughts of her go away. BUTT THEN I GET STRESSED ON PLANNING A BUSINESS. Tbh that gets me way more. I want to be free. I want to share that freedom with someone else. Money is the way to be that.

    I do wish my ex the best. I hope we both are happy in our lives. I’d tell her that if she ever contacted me. I just hope now that I can actually become happy.

    Only with her did I ever experience that sense of freedom that I’ve been searching for. Ever experiencing that again seems so far away. Almost unreachable. Life’s all messed up. These next few years will be really hard I think. A lot of lonely nights and a lot of work. Maybe it’s worth it in the end.

    I want to look back and say that experiencing this made me a better person and helped me achieve my goals. I hope I can stop romanticizing the end of things and fully let go of her.

  2. #2
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    thats odd.

  3. #3
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    Hi Austino96,

    It will get better. The beauty about time is that not only does it heal wounds, it also brings us clarity.

    In the beginning we are filled with Oxytocin amongst other stuff living in this blissful bubble we think to be the greatest of all. Suddenly our beautiful bubble bursts and we are at wits ends.

    Time, however, is the revealer of truths. And truth sets you free.

    Also, I strongly believe that happiness is a choice. And when you choose to be happy, despite your current circumstances, others are drawn to you.

    Wishing you all the best!

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    It seems like when we don't care and hold off that's when they care most but as soon as you show emotional weakness than that's when they care less. It's always been like that. I see it in a lot of relationships. Don't come off as so available. Girls tend to want what they can't have it's like a little game for them. As soon as they get you hooked then they will bounce on to the next guy. I'm sorry to hear about this. I am the guy that used to go around hooking up with girls that have boyfriend's and or husbands and let me tell you. It's easier than with a single girl. All you have to do is treat her better than her man and WOE her and there it is. I made a mistake of getting into a relationship after 6 years. I should of stayed single I was enjoying it. But now I'm back so let's live on bro.

    Forget the past girls come and go like seasons. We as humans beings are so unstable and unpredictable a relationship is just a heartache waiting to happen.

    You should of kept that same repulsed attitude you had about her in the beginning of the relationship. She would of stayed all attached to you. But you showed weakness.

    Stay strong. Bro.

    We're all going to make it

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  6. #5
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    So, I just read some of your previous posts. I have to say - abuse is never okay. You already know that. I truly hope that time will provide you with the clarity you need to learn from past mistakes.

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    Roller Coaster of Emotions

    Originally Posted by greendots
    So, I just read some of your previous posts. I have to say - abuse is never okay. You already know that. I truly hope that time will provide you with the clarity you need to learn from past mistakes.
    Im gonna have to agree with greendots here. You didnt treat her right by the sound of it. You didnt really want her. You thought she was dirty and she had funky spunk. You thought about breaking up with her constantly. You gotta grow up from this. You want her so badly now because she is with someone else. If she came running back to you, it would be exactly as it was before and you would still find fault with her so time to move on and take these hard lessons and a reason to be a better/more honest partner next time.

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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Im gonna have to agree with greendots here. You didnt treat her right by the sound of it. You didnt really want her. You thought she was dirty and she had funky spunk. You thought about breaking up with her constantly. You gotta grow up from this. You want her so badly now because she is with someone else. If she came running back to you, it would be exactly as it was before and you would still find fault with her so time to move on and take these hard lessons and a reason to be a better/more honest partner next time.
    Yeah I agree

  9. #8
    Gold Member East4's Avatar
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    She was a great girl, very sweet and loving. She stood by me threw my tuffest times. Without her Im sure I wouldnt be in the position of success I am today.
    I know she doesnt even think positively about me or think about me at all now. I messed it up and I deserved it. She will be the one that got away and the one that made me change. She will always have a special place in my heart and I truly hope she gets everything I couldnt give her.
    Well this excerpt comes from your original thread about your ex. She did a lot for you and if you are a decent person you have to pay back the loan she took for you. The last bolded sentence, you may not be able to give her the respect that she certainly dfeserves, but you could certainly give back the money she paid for you. Else all your emotional declaration about how much you value your ex and realise your mistakes, would appear as yet another one of your manipulations.

    And yeah, like others said you seem to be sliding back to your abusive ways and punishing your ex by refusing to pay the loan. As per your own words, you are turning against the person who built you up to your current position of success and was with you through your toughest times.

  10. #9
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    You can't forgive her for turning to someone else.

    All of your posts lament about how she did you wrong, how she allegedly left you for another guy, poor you! You leave out the abuse unless someone points it out. And now, as revenge for her leaving you and for choosing to use the money you gave her for your phone for something else, you refuse to pay back the loan she took out to help YOU financially, which by your own admission was life-changing.

    You just can't let go of being left. That's your ego. Despite how smelly you say she was, she still won out in the end in your eyes. You can't believe this smelly funky unclean girl had the nerve to actually leave you! Again, your ego is suffering.

    My ex feels the same way. I got tired of being lied to and deceived, so I left him. He was furious, not because he loved me so much (he didn't), but because no woman had EVER left him and his ego was shot. Well, he should have treated me better and maybe I would have stayed. But he didn't.

    Now, I don't think you should spend the rest of your life groveling and obsessing and dwelling over this. This situation can be a great learning moment. Love the ones who love you instead of thinking you are superior and therefore have the right to abuse them. You can decide you want to be a better person. Not just writing "yeah, I know, I won't do it again" then in the next sentence start complaining about how she's doing you wrong, but really and honestly looking inward.

    It's up to you how this plays out.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by East4
    Well this excerpt comes from your original thread about your ex. She did a lot for you and if you are a decent person you have to pay back the loan she took for you. The last bolded sentence, you may not be able to give her the respect that she certainly dfeserves, but you could certainly give back the money she paid for you. Else all your emotional declaration about how much you value your ex and realise your mistakes, would appear as yet another one of your manipulations.

    And yeah, like others said you seem to be sliding back to your abusive ways and punishing your ex by refusing to pay the loan. As per your own words, you are turning against the person who built you up to your current position of success and was with you through your toughest times.
    I dont agree with that. I get what you are saying but while I do want to pay it back and I do understand how Ive gotten to where I am because of her.

    I dont want to pay back money to someone who is willing to screw me over by taking my money even if its because of how I acted back then.


    I feel as tho Im being punished past the fact. She has chosen to take my money and not own her part in what we discussed. I appreciate what she has done but I dont appreciate what she is doing now after making it clear to me that its over.

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