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Thread: Having issues with someone asking for lifts and more

  1. #1
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    Having issues with someone asking for lifts and more

    So I have a friend, who is constantly asking me for lifts. I have said no and explained why, this is because she decided to move somewhere where it is difficult for her to get to the gym she wants to go to and won't drive.

    She then was saying she will walk to my house (she lives miles away from me), but as things had got socially awkward before because she can be quite negative and put pressure on (like asking me constantly about where to rent houses and then when I wouldn't reply, putting pressure on saying Im her only friend that can help her, then when I didnt reply, she would message asking me why I didnt want to be her friend), its put me off spending time with her. Then, the more she was asking (about 8 times in total, coming up with scenarios where I could give her lifts) I was losing my patience.

    What do you do in these situations, where someone is applying so much pressure?

    Its made me really want to back away. IT makes me feel bad not wanting to give lifts, but I definitely do not want to after her erratic behaviour and constantly asking. When I have seen her since saying no, she has talked about how she finds it challenging to get to the gym and doesnt have a lot of money and is spending a lot to get there... its so strange. Its like manipulation or trying to get me to feel bad.


    Am I justified in how I feel?

  2. #2
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    That’s really annoying.. Some people are naturally negative and will try to bring down people or make there lives harder and not even know it. Can’t blame them because they have lived there life that way.

    Don’t feel guilty. You could tell her how you feel about how she’s acting. Tho she might get offended based on your discription of her.

    If she’s guilting you into helping her then how much of a friend does she see in you? Do you want someone to be your friend based on what you can do for them?

    Depending on how much this friendship means to you consider ending it. I probably would.

    Tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t like it cut her off for a while. Tbh there’s probably a reason you are the only “friend” she can count on..

  3. #3
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    Hi jellybean2018,

    It's not your job to ensure your friend is able to go to the gym. Excuse my bluntness, but if she desires a taxi driver she needs to look elsewhere. Lifts are always appreciated but shouldn't be expected.

    Also, I personally find negative people very draining. I wouldn't voluntarily spend more time than necessary with them. Why should anyone?

    Wishing you the best!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    It's not your job to give her a ride if you dont want to. Keep telling her NO. If she persists you will have to block and delete her from your phone and social media. People like her drive most of us nuts.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Refer her to a ride share app

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Refer her to a ride share app

    Second this.

  8. #7
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    Thanks, this persons been dropping it into conversations how she has no money and is skint and struggles to get there... its challenging to be around but i have to see this person time to time. I have distanced and been firm so lets see in future! The advice is advice I would give, just have to put up with the comments whilst we are around eachother, smile, be polite and hope it passes asap.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems she lives as a manipulative tapeworm and doesn't know any better. More importantly distance yourself, have firmer boundaries and ask yourself in what ways is she a friend.

    Unfortunately the problem is you. It's like being mad at a tick for biting you. You have to ask why you're in the deep woods without protection and why.
    Originally Posted by jellybean2018
    Then, the more she was asking (about 8 times in total, coming up with scenarios where I could give her lifts) I was losing my patience.

  10. #9
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    As someone who is offered lifts on a regular basis (I accept from one person who takes my child to a weekly activity one way in her car with her children who really like hanging with my child- but I NEVER ask her each week -wait for her to text me and if she does, cool and if not, I say nothing) - and I mean regular basis - someone just out of the blue offered last week - please be careful about whether what you see as your friend pressuring you is really you being passive and her reading into it as an offer. I NEVER do that. Ever. But I scrutinize the offer to make sure it is coming from the person wholeheartedly plus I never ever drop hints - I always say thank you of course and never mention my situation or the bad weather coming, nothing. Because I am so worried to be seen as asking. I don't want to ask. When I read your post it seems very clear to me she is being manipulative and also, when I read what you wrote -all I have to go on -I saw you "giving in" enough that maybe you're giving the (wrong) impression that it's ok.

    Scenario. Many years ago we had frigid temperatures. I don't drive. My husband was away, son was 4 years old, pre-k was a mile away which I could walk to except the sidewalks were icey and I would have to have him in the stroller and was scared of slipping. I really needed the time to get things done. I mentioned to my friend who lived a couple of miles from me (I never dreamed she would offer me a ride at that time on that day and where she lived -that is not why I mentioned it!) that I likely would have him miss school the next day given the weather warnings. She immediately replied that she would take us and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was astonished at the offer. I took the offer (a total of 40 minutes round trip and she had to take her son to a different school anyway).

    I've had that happen a few times -like when my son fell at school years ago and I had to pick him up and get him to a doctor to be checked for a head injury -and I called my friend to say "we likely can't come to your house for dinner tonight because I have to get my son now" and she immediately responded "I'm coming to get you and we're taking him to the doctor, then to my house"

    Please scrutinize your own responses. Yes in your case it seems clear but since i am on the receiving end of so many offers -and take very very few -a tiny percentage -because of just this fear - please make sure you're not giving her any impression it's ok. It's not ok on her part -she can take a taxi or she can pay you, etc. if you would like that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    As someone who is offered lifts on a regular basis (I accept from one person who takes my child to a weekly activity one way in her car with her children who really like hanging with my child- but I NEVER ask her each week -wait for her to text me and if she does, cool and if not, I say nothing) - and I mean regular basis - someone just out of the blue offered last week - please be careful about whether what you see as your friend pressuring you is really you being passive and her reading into it as an offer. I NEVER do that. Ever. But I scrutinize the offer to make sure it is coming from the person wholeheartedly plus I never ever drop hints - I always say thank you of course and never mention my situation or the bad weather coming, nothing. Because I am so worried to be seen as asking. I don't want to ask. When I read your post it seems very clear to me she is being manipulative and also, when I read what you wrote -all I have to go on -I saw you "giving in" enough that maybe you're giving the (wrong) impression that it's ok.

    Scenario. Many years ago we had frigid temperatures. I don't drive. My husband was away, son was 4 years old, pre-k was a mile away which I could walk to except the sidewalks were icey and I would have to have him in the stroller and was scared of slipping. I really needed the time to get things done. I mentioned to my friend who lived a couple of miles from me (I never dreamed she would offer me a ride at that time on that day and where she lived -that is not why I mentioned it!) that I likely would have him miss school the next day given the weather warnings. She immediately replied that she would take us and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was astonished at the offer. I took the offer (a total of 40 minutes round trip and she had to take her son to a different school anyway).

    I've had that happen a few times -like when my son fell at school years ago and I had to pick him up and get him to a doctor to be checked for a head injury -and I called my friend to say "we likely can't come to your house for dinner tonight because I have to get my son now" and she immediately responded "I'm coming to get you and we're taking him to the doctor, then to my house"

    Please scrutinize your own responses. Yes in your case it seems clear but since i am on the receiving end of so many offers -and take very very few -a tiny percentage -because of just this fear - please make sure you're not giving her any impression it's ok. It's not ok on her part -she can take a taxi or she can pay you, etc. if you would like that.
    Do you offer gas money or at least occasionally a lunch or something?

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