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Having issues with someone asking for lifts and more


jellybean2018

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So I have a friend, who is constantly asking me for lifts. I have said no and explained why, this is because she decided to move somewhere where it is difficult for her to get to the gym she wants to go to and won't drive.

 

She then was saying she will walk to my house (she lives miles away from me), but as things had got socially awkward before because she can be quite negative and put pressure on (like asking me constantly about where to rent houses and then when I wouldn't reply, putting pressure on saying Im her only friend that can help her, then when I didnt reply, she would message asking me why I didnt want to be her friend), its put me off spending time with her. Then, the more she was asking (about 8 times in total, coming up with scenarios where I could give her lifts) I was losing my patience.

 

What do you do in these situations, where someone is applying so much pressure?

 

Its made me really want to back away. IT makes me feel bad not wanting to give lifts, but I definitely do not want to after her erratic behaviour and constantly asking. When I have seen her since saying no, she has talked about how she finds it challenging to get to the gym and doesnt have a lot of money and is spending a lot to get there... its so strange. Its like manipulation or trying to get me to feel bad.

 

 

Am I justified in how I feel?

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That’s really annoying.. Some people are naturally negative and will try to bring down people or make there lives harder and not even know it. Can’t blame them because they have lived there life that way.

 

Don’t feel guilty. You could tell her how you feel about how she’s acting. Tho she might get offended based on your discription of her.

 

If she’s guilting you into helping her then how much of a friend does she see in you? Do you want someone to be your friend based on what you can do for them?

 

Depending on how much this friendship means to you consider ending it. I probably would.

 

Tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t like it cut her off for a while. Tbh there’s probably a reason you are the only “friend” she can count on..

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Hi jellybean2018,

 

It's not your job to ensure your friend is able to go to the gym. Excuse my bluntness, but if she desires a taxi driver she needs to look elsewhere. Lifts are always appreciated but shouldn't be expected.

 

Also, I personally find negative people very draining. I wouldn't voluntarily spend more time than necessary with them. Why should anyone?

 

Wishing you the best!

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Thanks, this persons been dropping it into conversations how she has no money and is skint and struggles to get there... its challenging to be around but i have to see this person time to time. I have distanced and been firm so lets see in future! The advice is advice I would give, just have to put up with the comments whilst we are around eachother, smile, be polite and hope it passes asap.

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It seems she lives as a manipulative tapeworm and doesn't know any better. More importantly distance yourself, have firmer boundaries and ask yourself in what ways is she a friend.

 

Unfortunately the problem is you. It's like being mad at a tick for biting you. You have to ask why you're in the deep woods without protection and why.

Then, the more she was asking (about 8 times in total, coming up with scenarios where I could give her lifts) I was losing my patience.
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As someone who is offered lifts on a regular basis (I accept from one person who takes my child to a weekly activity one way in her car with her children who really like hanging with my child- but I NEVER ask her each week -wait for her to text me and if she does, cool and if not, I say nothing) - and I mean regular basis - someone just out of the blue offered last week - please be careful about whether what you see as your friend pressuring you is really you being passive and her reading into it as an offer. I NEVER do that. Ever. But I scrutinize the offer to make sure it is coming from the person wholeheartedly plus I never ever drop hints - I always say thank you of course and never mention my situation or the bad weather coming, nothing. Because I am so worried to be seen as asking. I don't want to ask. When I read your post it seems very clear to me she is being manipulative and also, when I read what you wrote -all I have to go on -I saw you "giving in" enough that maybe you're giving the (wrong) impression that it's ok.

 

Scenario. Many years ago we had frigid temperatures. I don't drive. My husband was away, son was 4 years old, pre-k was a mile away which I could walk to except the sidewalks were icey and I would have to have him in the stroller and was scared of slipping. I really needed the time to get things done. I mentioned to my friend who lived a couple of miles from me (I never dreamed she would offer me a ride at that time on that day and where she lived -that is not why I mentioned it!) that I likely would have him miss school the next day given the weather warnings. She immediately replied that she would take us and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was astonished at the offer. I took the offer (a total of 40 minutes round trip and she had to take her son to a different school anyway).

 

I've had that happen a few times -like when my son fell at school years ago and I had to pick him up and get him to a doctor to be checked for a head injury -and I called my friend to say "we likely can't come to your house for dinner tonight because I have to get my son now" and she immediately responded "I'm coming to get you and we're taking him to the doctor, then to my house"

 

Please scrutinize your own responses. Yes in your case it seems clear but since i am on the receiving end of so many offers -and take very very few -a tiny percentage -because of just this fear - please make sure you're not giving her any impression it's ok. It's not ok on her part -she can take a taxi or she can pay you, etc. if you would like that.

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As someone who is offered lifts on a regular basis (I accept from one person who takes my child to a weekly activity one way in her car with her children who really like hanging with my child- but I NEVER ask her each week -wait for her to text me and if she does, cool and if not, I say nothing) - and I mean regular basis - someone just out of the blue offered last week - please be careful about whether what you see as your friend pressuring you is really you being passive and her reading into it as an offer. I NEVER do that. Ever. But I scrutinize the offer to make sure it is coming from the person wholeheartedly plus I never ever drop hints - I always say thank you of course and never mention my situation or the bad weather coming, nothing. Because I am so worried to be seen as asking. I don't want to ask. When I read your post it seems very clear to me she is being manipulative and also, when I read what you wrote -all I have to go on -I saw you "giving in" enough that maybe you're giving the (wrong) impression that it's ok.

 

Scenario. Many years ago we had frigid temperatures. I don't drive. My husband was away, son was 4 years old, pre-k was a mile away which I could walk to except the sidewalks were icey and I would have to have him in the stroller and was scared of slipping. I really needed the time to get things done. I mentioned to my friend who lived a couple of miles from me (I never dreamed she would offer me a ride at that time on that day and where she lived -that is not why I mentioned it!) that I likely would have him miss school the next day given the weather warnings. She immediately replied that she would take us and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was astonished at the offer. I took the offer (a total of 40 minutes round trip and she had to take her son to a different school anyway).

 

I've had that happen a few times -like when my son fell at school years ago and I had to pick him up and get him to a doctor to be checked for a head injury -and I called my friend to say "we likely can't come to your house for dinner tonight because I have to get my son now" and she immediately responded "I'm coming to get you and we're taking him to the doctor, then to my house"

 

Please scrutinize your own responses. Yes in your case it seems clear but since i am on the receiving end of so many offers -and take very very few -a tiny percentage -because of just this fear - please make sure you're not giving her any impression it's ok. It's not ok on her part -she can take a taxi or she can pay you, etc. if you would like that.

 

Do you offer gas money or at least occasionally a lunch or something?

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This person is not your friend.

 

This person only uses you for things she needs, and there seems to be little to no recriprocity.

 

Do you even want to remain friends with her? Don't let her "guilt" you into staying in touch.

 

You should begin to back off. Stop returning calls/texts, as you have become too "busy". Silence her tone on your phone so you don't even hear the texts. Eventually, you can block her, and find new friends who are more equals to you, with whom you can share things.

 

As Wiseman said above, remove this bloodsucking tick from your life.

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Do you offer gas money or at least occasionally a lunch or something?

 

So in the one case where I have accepted the ride -she takes her kids too -it is a 7 minute ride and I bought her a gift package of cookies over the holidays (which I plan to do again at the right time) plus I donated in her family's name to our local organization (twice I think) that she and her family also are a member of.

 

Honestly it never occurred to me to offer gas money because I don't drive and yes many years ago we all chipped in for gas for a carpool situation (because I couldn't drive, so I paid $) and I don't know anyone who would offer gas money in that specific situation - should I? I'd be happy to (!!) but she already has to go there (we meet up on a corner she passes by -she does not turn down the block to pick me up - she's offered and I don't want her to go out of my way). and they are more than fine financially -it would feel so weird to offer her gas money. And she offers -I've never asked her - I also have done things like come along for the ride and when we get to the activity early I offer to take her kids and mine in early and watch them until the activity starts so she can be on her way sooner (sometimes going to work, sometimes errands, etc). At least in our world that extra 10 minutes plus taking care of the kids getting upstairs, getting their stuff put away, helps -every little bit helps.

 

When she received the cookies she thanked me and made it clear it was totally unnecessary. Her kids like hanging out with my kid on the ride over. They're friends. I am always ready to step up and watch her kids should she ever need that. This is what makes these offers dicey -and why i so rarely accept them. Another was made just last week to me out of the blue. I thanked the woman so much and told her that maybe in an emergency I would accept and then told her I'd love to help her with whatever -just to knock on my door and I will help.

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If someone offers you a ride and it’s any more than 10 minutes out of their way each way, in my opinion, you should offer them a coffee that day or some other day. If they offer you a ride with any frequency (more than once a month), then a lunch.

 

Oh - well we would love to do lunch or coffee and don't ever have that kind of time. So that's why I sent her the gift package and the donations and will continue to do so, plus offer to help with her children. It's on her way 100% (like I said she stops briefly at the corner for my son and/or I to get in the car with her kids) and she goes that way anyway and she offers and I've never asked. I will also find other ways to "compensate" as they become available (meaning other gifts she might like, other favors I can do for her.). I feel comfortable with how much I show my appreciation. She is has a big heart in general. So do I.

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Batya, do you mind my asking why you don't drive? You don't have to answer, it's just a curiosity of mine.

 

Where I spent the first 43 years of my life I didn't have to drive. Many didn't own a car. My father drove and my mother did not. Still does not. At 43 my husband and I moved to a city where driving is much more prevalent and more necessary but where we live I can get by without it.

 

I learned at 19 but failed two road tests and gave up. Then I started taking lessons at around 46 years old and finally got my license at age 49 - three years ago- on the third try, nearly a perfect score. I can drive and I don't drive on my own yet - my new years resolution is to get back behind the wheel with my husband as a passenger (I probably haven't driven in 6 months now) and work hard on getting comfortable. Traffic in our congested city is nuts and if I didn't have to drive my son around I'd be a lot less anxious about it. I take public transportation to work, and my son and I use public transportation for his activities when my husband can't drive us (he sometimes does one way -like pick us up to go home). With respect to the friend's offer, if she didn't drive us we'd take the bus (my husband sleeps in that day usually). Now it's going to be easier because I can use a portable car seat for the first time so I plan to start using UBer or Lyft when my husband can't drive for certain activities this summer. I do know that I likely will never drive on a highway although I have done so as part of driving lessons.

 

I wanted to reiterate that I do not ask for rides and until recently taking Uber would have meant taking a heavy car seat with me - with sometimes nowhere to put it at our destination. My son is great at walking long distances -me too -and fine with buses/trains which work somewhat well around here but not great.

 

I really feel lame about my fear of driving.

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You are not responsible fro this woman and by the sounds of it, she is emotionally manipulating you into doing what she wants.

 

It sounds like a very one sided relationship and if I were you, I would either ignore her calls or tell her straight out, no.

 

It's one thing to help a friend out now and then, but she is taking advantage and strong arming you when she can tell that you don't want to.

That's not a friend, that's a user and you don't need someone like that in your life.

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I really feel lame about my fear of driving

 

No, no, no. Don't feel lame at all! Some people are anxious about driving, that's perfectly fine. If you feel safer having someone else drive you or taking public transportation, so be it.

It does not make you any less and it does not mean anything one way or the other.

 

Now a days with buses, subways, Uber and Lyft, there are lots of options.

Uber and Lyft are doing really well because of how many people who do not want to drive or cannot drive!

 

So don't feel bad at all. Driving is only a means of getting somewhere but it's one of many options.

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No, no, no. Don't feel lame at all! Some people are anxious about driving, that's perfectly fine. If you feel safer having someone else drive you or taking public transportation, so be it.

It does not make you any less and it does not mean anything one way or the other.

 

Now a days with buses, subways, Uber and Lyft, there are lots of options.

Uber and Lyft are doing really well because of how many people who do not want to drive or cannot drive!

 

So don't feel bad at all. Driving is only a means of getting somewhere but it's one of many options.

 

Thanks so much and now that I finally have my license and apparently am a good driver, I want to practice again and get comfortable again - typically I was driving once a week with my husband -I'd drive us to the market or back or both or places like that. He's not the best "passenger" but he tries his best not to criticize me too much!

 

It doesn't feel safer to have someone else drive me and other than my husband driving us it rarely happens -honestly, my strong preference is to walk and if it's not walkable (work is not -bad neighborhoods and too far) I actually prefer public transportation -I feel more in control, I can read/look at my phone, relax, etc. I would have loved Uber and Lyft and as I explained I can now use it with my son since I have a 1.5 pound car seat he can use but until recently the car seat made it impractical (and hiring a car service with a car seat is really expensive). I never take uber and lyft by myself or taxi if I can help it -I've taken taxis a few times tops. We also can take the train to the airport which we prefer. As far as friends driving it's not my favorite and I don't ask and don't wish to impose.

 

This thread got me thinking though. I have a work friend -we met 2 years ago. We go to lunch every one to two months. Often we walk somewhere as we love to walk but then sometimes she'll suggest that she drive us somewhere (like ten minutes away). Parking is always free. We either split the bill or pay our own way. So - was I supposed to offer to pay her gas money on those times we decide to drive somewhere (I'm not familiar with the restaurants like she is so she's the one who will suggest going somewhere in her car). I really enjoy our lunches and she says she does too. I would feel awkward offering to pay for gas and I know she wouldn't accept my treating her on those occasions when she suggests driving somewhere.

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No, no, no. Don't feel lame at all! Some people are anxious about driving, that's perfectly fine. If you feel safer having someone else drive you or taking public transportation, so be it.

It does not make you any less and it does not mean anything one way or the other.

 

Now a days with buses, subways, Uber and Lyft, there are lots of options.

Uber and Lyft are doing really well because of how many people who do not want to drive or cannot drive!

 

So don't feel bad at all. Driving is only a means of getting somewhere but it's one of many options.

 

Right, Batya, better to err on the safe side and hold off on driving until you are super comfortable. And don't feel "lame"; you are being cautious, which is so much more important than these crazy drivers who really should feel more cautious.

 

Thanks for the explanation, makes sense!

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It seems she lives as a manipulative tapeworm and doesn't know any better. More importantly distance yourself, have firmer boundaries and ask yourself in what ways is she a friend.

 

Unfortunately the problem is you. It's like being mad at a tick for biting you. You have to ask why you're in the deep woods without protection and why.

 

Yes i totally get this :) Its something I have reflected on, because i doubt she would have behaved with others as she has with me.

 

I have distanced myself massively and stopped replying to messages now. I will have to see this person 3 times a week possibly at the gym, so lets see.

 

 

 

As for Batya's response, I told them that I work and am in a rush most days and enjoy my time as it is, i do not have the time or the mental headspace to deal with rushing around so much so they would have to be independent if she wished to go there. I said its not personal. Then had to keep saying no and suggested a decent taxi or that she learns to drive herself. Still, asking. Hmmm... The last time they asked, i said please respect my decision, its not personal but I cannot be responsible to take you to your classes or gym.

 

 

I have really distanced myself, getting odd messages but just not replying.

 

I have never dealt with anything like this before with regards to asking for lifts. I suffer from anxiety, so I am worried about seeing her in person. Especially with the off-cuff remarks about how she gets around with no money etc. I will just smile, nod and talk to my other friends, be polite and keep it civil but at a distance. :)

 

Its mainly the anxiety that gets me, i find things like this challenging but I think in being firm (even though difficult) I have done the best thing for myself. I am hoping that it solves itself and that she moves on from this situation and doesn't keep making remarks.

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@Batya, normally, I would't be like this over lifts, if its picking people up for meals or one off things... this is a different scenario though where she has been really pressuring me over many issues then messaging me saying I am making her feel sad, or that i dont want to be friends, etc. So its mainly that I don't want to spend time with her in my car for long journeys, as well as the fact she has tried to change my mind on saying no.

 

Its been emotionally exhausting.

 

However, I lift my non-driving friends occasionally, to meals, days out, to town and enjoy it :) I dont think you have to worry.

 

This is a totally different situation that I am in! :)

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She sounds like a bully who is targeting you because she perceives you as kind or an easy target. She is no different than the schoolyard bully shaking down kids for lunch money. Turn the tables. You can't be kind or even polite with a bullies like this. You have to cut her out completely.

Yes i totally get this :) Its something I have reflected on, because i doubt she would have behaved with others as she has with me. I will have to see this person 3 times a week possibly at the gym. I suffer from anxiety, so I am worried about seeing her in person.
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She sounds like a bully who is targeting you because she perceives you as kind or an easy target. She is no different than the schoolyard bully shaking down kids for lunch money. Turn the tables. You can't be kind or even polite with a bullies like this. You have to cut her out completely.

 

 

Yss, maybe. I have really put my foot down though. I cannot cut her out as she is in places that I am and in social situations. Thats why I think distancing but being polite is the best option for my sanity. I kind of have a feeling that as she seemd to be moaning about money a lot it will come to a natural conclusion sometime soon.

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Yes i totally get this :) Its something I have reflected on, because i doubt she would have behaved with others as she has with me.

 

I have distanced myself massively and stopped replying to messages now. I will have to see this person 3 times a week possibly at the gym, so lets see.

 

 

 

As for Batya's response, I told them that I work and am in a rush most days and enjoy my time as it is, i do not have the time or the mental headspace to deal with rushing around so much so they would have to be independent if she wished to go there. I said its not personal. Then had to keep saying no and suggested a decent taxi or that she learns to drive herself. Still, asking. Hmmm... The last time they asked, i said please respect my decision, its not personal but I cannot be responsible to take you to your classes or gym.

 

 

I have really distanced myself, getting odd messages but just not replying.

 

I have never dealt with anything like this before with regards to asking for lifts. I suffer from anxiety, so I am worried about seeing her in person. Especially with the off-cuff remarks about how she gets around with no money etc. I will just smile, nod and talk to my other friends, be polite and keep it civil but at a distance. :)

 

Its mainly the anxiety that gets me, i find things like this challenging but I think in being firm (even though difficult) I have done the best thing for myself. I am hoping that it solves itself and that she moves on from this situation and doesn't keep making remarks.

 

Hi! I'm sorry if I came across as anything more than just asking - in a huge abundance of caution - to make sure you're being direct and firm. You are and also it sounds like you wouldn't necessarily go to the gym at that time, right? So her behavior is unacceptable, pushy and bizarre and on top of that I am sorry that you have to endure this particularly since you have anxiety. She is acting like a bully as Wiseman wrote.

 

Saying no is hard too, I know. Especially when the reason is that we need our self-care time, our me-time whatever-you-want-to-call-leave-me-alone-time -and of course you don't want to be with an emotional vampire.

 

I hate to be negative -but I think she'll leave you alone but not learn from it and move on to her next prey.

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