I know I messed up, but is this really the end?

Valentine's day. He works 12 hours all week, and is always stressed and busy. We have been together for 2 years now. So not FOREVER but long enough that we have planned a serious part of our future together.

Anyway, he plans a wonderful picnic in a park. At sunset, and gets everything super kitted out. He gets my favourite foods, my favourite wine. I leave from mine an hour early to get there, but didn't think about rush hour traffic. 5:00 pm. Fantastic. So i call him and tell him I'm rushing but may be late. I know this was my oversight and I should have realised this.

So there I am weaving and honking and rushing so I can be there for Sunset. but no I got there at 6:30. . So we have a picnic in the park in the dark. And I can see how hurt he is - he pulled together such a wonderful night for us, and wrote me a love filled note and gave me gift. And i: Show up late, dont bring anything, dont have a gift and apparently, according to him talk about how "happy I am that we are doing this" when he feels unhappy And neglected. And My heart is breaking that I ever made him feel like that. Because he means the absolute world to me - it was just a ****up. A faux pas and an oversight on my behalf. And I told him the next day how ridiculous I felt and how I will make up to him. But he wants none of it. Nothing. He said to my face today that I am childish and selfish and dont put in effort to this relationship. And i feel so at a loss because I bend over backwards and always put 110% into it. He is my man. My hero. My love. and he told me today to go off. and that he is done. and I dont know what to do. Have I been selfish,..? I am rethinking everything I do. Everything I have done and trying to see how I am selfish. And he's not wrong. Maybe i am a child. Maybe I am a rubbish gf and he does deserve better. . Help me, Please. I am lost.

BY THE WAY, : he is 23 I am 22, we have been together 2.5 years,. We argue sometimes but he is also my best friend. and we usually work things out,, but he just straight up said he's done. I know I have days where I get in my own head too much, as does he and we both close off, but....I just can't help but feel that I am missing something here. Men, please help me understand what I should do So i dont make it worse.

It depends if this really is a genuine one-off incident of you lacking effort or being inconsiderate. My wife's a doctor, and from her clinicals to her residency, and now with her practicing, I've learned to leave a bit of a buffer between when she's previously anticipated coming home and when I'll actually have a nice dinner for us ready. That's just the deal. But 90 minutes late to a date on a day which-- for as much as I'm not a fan of the expectation-- you can probably assume the guy's gonna put on an extra effort for, particularly with the romantic setting, and for such a pretty extreme tardiness to be a consequence of you not accounting for traffic... I'd probably be miffed, maybe even out of it for the night as a result. But to the point of calling it the day after? Absolutely not. Not after two years, certainly.

 

But, again, we've got zero context with regard to the rest of your relationship. He could be having the biggest overreaction of the century, or maybe he has been taken for granted for however long and this incident is what it took to open his eyes and make the best decision for him.

If he’s ready to drop you after two years together over you simply being late due to traffic, then I would say he’s been displeased about some part of your behavior for awhile and Vday was just the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Did it not cross your mind that having a sunset dinner in a park with your long term boyfriend on Valentines Day would entail gifts? Could you not afford anything? Have you been so busy that you haven’t had time to think of any way to show him how much you love and appreciate him?

 

You definitely fell short. Like way short. But I can’t imagine that being the hill to die on after two years unless he was already unhappy about something or other. Only you can figure out what that might be.

 

My advice? Give him a week or so to cool off, then CALL him. Don’t text him. Time to be a grown up, grown ups do not handle serious stuff like this via text. Tell him you understand how careless and unappreciative you were and that he has every right to be upset with you. Then tell him you’d really like the chance to make it up to him if he’ll let you (and already have a plan ready for how to do this!).

Do you usually run late? Miss plans? Do you have a habit of being unable to commit to any kind of time frame? In your opinion, have you disappointed him before?

 

If you are one of those continually running late people, do you make excuses? Make any attempt to change your behavior? Or do you just throw up your hands and say "this is who I am, deal with it!"

 

Or was this a one-time occurrence?

He could be having the biggest overreaction of the century, or maybe he has been taken for granted for however long and this incident is what it took to open his eyes and make the best decision for him.

 

Or maybe he wanted to propose at sunset? And if your carelessness has been a trend, he was angry enough to walk away?

Sounds like maybe he's been pulling this relationship long before V-day. You disappointed him. Being late due to traffic perhaps I'd give you a pass on but not getting him anything? Why didn't you have a gift for him? Do you guys not usually celebrate the day generally?

 

He's told you why he is done. The fact that you came to a message board full of strangers to verify that says a lot about how you don't listen and how you could use a good book on the art of communication which consists of being able to listen and acknowledge what is being said to you as well as to resolve any ongoing negatives that have been brought to our attention.

 

Fasten your seat belt while I straight shoot here: The unreciprocated valentines giving sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back. In case you missed it. He's done because you are selfish and immature amongst other things. Do something about that side of yourself besides look for reasons from strangers why you aren't.

 

Adding:

i: Show up late, dont bring anything, dont have a gift

To quote a line in Game of Thrones:

 

"Shame... Shame... Shame..."

Sorry this happened. It doesn't sound like this one incident ended things. It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. Stop and reflect, be honest with yourself.

He said to my face today that I am childish and selfish and dont put in effort to this relationship.

OP, are you going to respond? It really makes a big difference if this was a one-time mistake on your part or if this kind of behavior is a pattern.

 

Please let us know or else we cannot provide any kind of useful insight.

Well.....going to go a bit against the grain here. We really don't have enough information about the overall health and dynamic of your relationship to judge properly or give you any decent advice.

 

You say that you normally give 110%, so what does that mean?

 

It could be that he is right to be fed up. It could also be that he pitched an immature selfish tantrum because for once he did something and you dared to disappoint him. We don't actually know if you have a great bf who is legitimately fed up or a selfish a hole who is acting out and punishing you for one single infringement.

We have enough information when the op has admitted that her boyfriend has told her

He said to my face today that I am childish and selfish and dont put in effort to this relationship.

Okay... lets logic it out prior to hearing the Op come back and try to justify her "faux pa."

 

She claims:

And i feel so at a loss because I bend over backwards and always put 110% into it.

Why would someone leave someone over one "faux pa" if prior to that, he felt valued, respected and was shown in tangible ways that she was bending over backwards for him?

 

If he did leave her over one incidence of neglect then she's better off without him because he was likely just looking for an out ~ which then would beg the question: Why go to those lengths for V-day for someone you don't want to be with?

We have enough information when the op has admitted that her boyfriend has told her Okay... lets logic it out prior to hearing the Op come back and try to justify her "faux pa."

 

She claims: Why would someone leave someone over one "faux pa" if prior to that, he felt valued, respected and was shown in tangible ways that she was bending over backwards for him?

 

If he did leave her over one incidence of neglect then she's better off without him because he was likely just looking for an out (which then would beg the question: Why go to those lengths for someone you don't want to be with?

 

You'd be surprised what mind fck's abusive people can put a person through. It's actually a bit naive to think that this is sooo straightforward. Not saying he is abusive. Simply that we really don't have enough information to pile on the OP as being bad.

You'd be surprised what mind fck's abusive people can put a person through. It's actually a bit naive to think that this is sooo straightforward. Not saying he is abusive. Simply that we really don't have enough information to pile on the OP as being bad.

I'd be surprised if this guy is one of those that mind ___ However: If he is one of those, that would beg the question why op finds him to be her best friend and why she would be planning a future with him also why would she be so "naive" as to be late and without a gift for someone so sensitive.

*Deleted.. double post??

Assuming this guy legit ended it and hasn't just performed a mock execution, the fact he'd waited until the day after to end it (could see though certainly not justify someone impulsively dumping someone else in an emotional flurry that evening) suggests to me it's a reasoned enough decision and that she's most likely the one with a more liberal interpretation of what "110%" means. That and 90 minutes late to what's obviously set up to be a particularly romantic date with no gift in hand, no card, no bread, no dessert, nada is just such a perfect culmination that it's very difficult to imagine there not being at least constant from that, even if out naivety and her truly believing in the effort she's provided.

 

But, yes... I do agree that ultimately we're speculating. OP's logged off and I'm frankly not expecting a defense or more adequate context to be provided, but we'll see.

OP has logged off without responding.

 

I wonder if she is leaving to reflect and formulate a response, or if she got responses she wasn't expecting.

 

I do hope she chooses to come back because this could be an important "Eureka!" moment either way.

I agree with most of the chorus here. Need more data points on this.

 

Sticks out in my mind that 110% giving is just a nonsense term. It only signals intent, not actual.

 

And another thing. Someone mentioned the whole sunset, Valentine's Day proposal scenario.

 

If that indeed is what was going on, you not being where you said you would on the most romantic Hallmark day of the year?

 

I think your guy was hurt and offended. Especially when you arrived empty handed. So think this out.

 

1. You're late--blame traffic. Hey, we all get that. I live in LA and the rain monster made my commute a 3-hour nightmare. But we all knew it was coming so I think if it were me I would have left work even earlier. Check Waze, it is your friend.

 

2. Not even a card from the 99 cent store? This shows you paid no attention to the event whatsoever. In his mind contrast that to the effort a guy who works 12-hour days put in.

 

3. While probably not completely fair, the guy likely started reviewing every time you blew things off or had an excuse for not even realizing something was important to him. By the time you did arrive? He had a mental laundry list going and figured there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I too would need to know more. I've had last straw moments like that with friends who behaved in that way.

I too got stuck on the 110% as well

If you are indeed giving this much to a relationship, then he'd likely be disappointed but not enough to trash an entire 2 year (by your description) fabulous relationship.

It sounds like this might instead have been the last straw.

 

If I am mistaken . then I agree with others. Give him a little space to cool off and then make it up to him.

 

A 110% percent investment on a foundation can recover from one selfish act.

If not, then you need to rethink the whole thing.

 

Maybe he was going to propose, so it was possibly more important than you realize. That may explain his reaction.

I agree with others that we certainly need more information.

 

One thing though that I got from your post is that both of you feel different about Valentines day. From what you tell us, celebrating Valentine's day seems to be very important for him. Whereas for you, it seems to not be that big of a deal or is it? I am genuinely asking you: how important is celebrating Valentine's day to you?

 

You (both) may value a few things differently.

 

 

For example, you clean everyday. The house is spotless. However, your SO isn't impressed by it. He'd rather you clean less and spend more time with him relaxing in front of the telly. Or perhaps he desires to hear more words of affirmation.