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Thread: I know I messed up, but is this really the end?

  1. #1

    I know I messed up, but is this really the end?

    Valentine's day. He works 12 hours all week, and is always stressed and busy. We have been together for 2 years now. So not FOREVER but long enough that we have planned a serious part of our future together.
    Anyway, he plans a wonderful picnic in a park. At sunset, and gets everything super kitted out. He gets my favourite foods, my favourite wine. I leave from mine an hour early to get there, but didn't think about rush hour traffic. 5:00 pm. Fantastic. So i call him and tell him I'm rushing but may be late. I know this was my oversight and I should have realised this.
    So there I am weaving and honking and rushing so I can be there for Sunset. but no I got there at 6:30. . So we have a picnic in the park in the dark. And I can see how hurt he is - he pulled together such a wonderful night for us, and wrote me a love filled note and gave me gift. And i: Show up late, dont bring anything, dont have a gift and apparently, according to him talk about how "happy I am that we are doing this" when he feels unhappy And neglected. And My heart is breaking that I ever made him feel like that. Because he means the absolute world to me - it was just a ****up. A faux pas and an oversight on my behalf. And I told him the next day how ridiculous I felt and how I will make up to him. But he wants none of it. Nothing. He said to my face today that I am childish and selfish and dont put in effort to this relationship. And i feel so at a loss because I bend over backwards and always put 110% into it. He is my man. My hero. My love. and he told me today to go off. and that he is done. and I dont know what to do. Have I been selfish,..? I am rethinking everything I do. Everything I have done and trying to see how I am selfish. And he's not wrong. Maybe i am a child. Maybe I am a rubbish gf and he does deserve better. . Help me, Please. I am lost.
    BY THE WAY, : he is 23 I am 22, we have been together 2.5 years,. We argue sometimes but he is also my best friend. and we usually work things out,, but he just straight up said he's done. I know I have days where I get in my own head too much, as does he and we both close off, but....I just can't help but feel that I am missing something here. Men, please help me understand what I should do So i dont make it worse.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    It depends if this really is a genuine one-off incident of you lacking effort or being inconsiderate. My wife's a doctor, and from her clinicals to her residency, and now with her practicing, I've learned to leave a bit of a buffer between when she's previously anticipated coming home and when I'll actually have a nice dinner for us ready. That's just the deal. But 90 minutes late to a date on a day which-- for as much as I'm not a fan of the expectation-- you can probably assume the guy's gonna put on an extra effort for, particularly with the romantic setting, and for such a pretty extreme tardiness to be a consequence of you not accounting for traffic... I'd probably be miffed, maybe even out of it for the night as a result. But to the point of calling it the day after? Absolutely not. Not after two years, certainly.

    But, again, we've got zero context with regard to the rest of your relationship. He could be having the biggest overreaction of the century, or maybe he has been taken for granted for however long and this incident is what it took to open his eyes and make the best decision for him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    If heís ready to drop you after two years together over you simply being late due to traffic, then I would say heís been displeased about some part of your behavior for awhile and Vday was just the straw that broke the camels back.

    Did it not cross your mind that having a sunset dinner in a park with your long term boyfriend on Valentines Day would entail gifts? Could you not afford anything? Have you been so busy that you havenít had time to think of any way to show him how much you love and appreciate him?

    You definitely fell short. Like way short. But I canít imagine that being the hill to die on after two years unless he was already unhappy about something or other. Only you can figure out what that might be.

    My advice? Give him a week or so to cool off, then CALL him. Donít text him. Time to be a grown up, grown ups do not handle serious stuff like this via text. Tell him you understand how careless and unappreciative you were and that he has every right to be upset with you. Then tell him youíd really like the chance to make it up to him if heíll let you (and already have a plan ready for how to do this!).

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    Do you usually run late? Miss plans? Do you have a habit of being unable to commit to any kind of time frame? In your opinion, have you disappointed him before?

    If you are one of those continually running late people, do you make excuses? Make any attempt to change your behavior? Or do you just throw up your hands and say "this is who I am, deal with it!"

    Or was this a one-time occurrence?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    He could be having the biggest overreaction of the century, or maybe he has been taken for granted for however long and this incident is what it took to open his eyes and make the best decision for him.
    Or maybe he wanted to propose at sunset? And if your carelessness has been a trend, he was angry enough to walk away?

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Sounds like maybe he's been pulling this relationship long before V-day. You disappointed him. Being late due to traffic perhaps I'd give you a pass on but not getting him anything? Why didn't you have a gift for him? Do you guys not usually celebrate the day generally?

    He's told you why he is done. The fact that you came to a message board full of strangers to verify that says a lot about how you don't listen and how you could use a good book on the art of communication which consists of being able to listen and acknowledge what is being said to you as well as to resolve any ongoing negatives that have been brought to our attention.

    Fasten your seat belt while I straight shoot here: The unreciprocated valentines giving sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back. In case you missed it. He's done because you are selfish and immature amongst other things. Do something about that side of yourself besides look for reasons from strangers why you aren't.

    Adding:
    i: Show up late, dont bring anything, dont have a gift
    To quote a line in Game of Thrones:

    "Shame... Shame... Shame..."

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. It doesn't sound like this one incident ended things. It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. Stop and reflect, be honest with yourself.
    Originally Posted by icriedwolf
    He said to my face today that I am childish and selfish and dont put in effort to this relationship.

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    OP, are you going to respond? It really makes a big difference if this was a one-time mistake on your part or if this kind of behavior is a pattern.

    Please let us know or else we cannot provide any kind of useful insight.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well.....going to go a bit against the grain here. We really don't have enough information about the overall health and dynamic of your relationship to judge properly or give you any decent advice.

    You say that you normally give 110%, so what does that mean?

    It could be that he is right to be fed up. It could also be that he pitched an immature selfish tantrum because for once he did something and you dared to disappoint him. We don't actually know if you have a great bf who is legitimately fed up or a selfish a hole who is acting out and punishing you for one single infringement.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    We have enough information when the op has admitted that her boyfriend has told her
    He said to my face today that I am childish and selfish and dont put in effort to this relationship.
    Okay... lets logic it out prior to hearing the Op come back and try to justify her "faux pa."

    She claims:
    And i feel so at a loss because I bend over backwards and always put 110% into it.
    Why would someone leave someone over one "faux pa" if prior to that, he felt valued, respected and was shown in tangible ways that she was bending over backwards for him?

    If he did leave her over one incidence of neglect then she's better off without him because he was likely just looking for an out ~ which then would beg the question: Why go to those lengths for V-day for someone you don't want to be with?

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