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Thread: i dont learn

  1. #1
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    i dont learn

    I am an idiot.

    Was with my ex for 4 years... every 9 months she would just break it off and then i never heard from her again for a few months... until we maybe would bump into each other and then talk and resume... so unhealthy.

    I wrote down all the messed up things she did to me, so many red flags or cruel things - and i am crazy to have put up with it - i know this yet i am still struggling!! why!!!

    we split the last time in october... messaged a few times until early december, clearing up a few things... i think there was someone else - she was constantly online on whatsapp.

    then on my birthday she messaged me? whats that about! i just said thanks (wish i ignored it) and never heard from her again. I deleted her number, facebook, IG, all pictures everything basically. Why did she message? if there was someone else - then why message me? We had split and stopped talking - so she had a clean break... why then message me on my bday to open up communication again?!!!

    yesterday was valentines, and all i think of is who shes with and of course sleeping with someone else... im a fool.. Last year i wrote an identical post! exactly a year ago!

    I know i need to keep busy, try to heal but its so hard.

    I havnt seen her since end of september/october so its a long time now... but shes constantly on my mind. I even have been lining up a few dates lately which takes my mind off things a little but i guess but i just feel numb and empty

    thanks for reading.

  2. #2
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    Hey! Keep going, James! I'm far more of an idiot than you are... :-) (THOUGH we're both out of it now, so we need to cut ourselves some slack I reckon).

    I was with mine for seven years...he broke up with me three times and always came back. The useless messages would turn (after enough NC) into lavish gestures - champagne, flowers, hampers, even a weekly shopping delivery for several months (!seriously, who does that?!) and then...once back into my life he'd behave the same way again. Anyway...he last came back in June and by the end of the year I could see him going the same way again ('I'm depressed', 'I just need to move out and clear my head') so I got rid of him, just before Christmas. (Though to be fair, it was more like he ended it - he was making my life a misery after his...THIRD chance!) Yesterday I was able to enjoy the lovely memory of him dumping me on Valentine's Day last year (because he was 'depressed', just needed to move out and clear his head!)...and though I'd be lying if there wasn't a little bit of feeling sorry for myself in there, OH it was so good and liberating to not be worrying about that anymore!

    So - from one idiot to another...we're actually NOT idiots. We just trusted people - cos, I don't know about you, but *I* would never treat anyone like they do - lie to them, cheat on them, emotionally betray them and THEN have the brass neck to go back and put them through it again. Some people do though; and I don't think they will ever make anyone happy, least of all themselves.

    Other people (that's us, that is) enable them by having poor boundaries - and really, really need to build on their self-esteem. You will get through this; the only thing that can stop your healing is you sending ANY message at all to her, EVER. So resolve not to do that. Value yourself. One day you'll surprise yourself and realise you're over it. (I think I am...I mean, how many times can I carry on being shocked and upset by the same behaviour?! I'm an idiot but not quite THAT daft...)

    Keep going!

  3. #3
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    Have you blocked her?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    She messaged you because she can. It's that simple. If that will send you into this kind of obsessive tailspin, then you need to block her.

    More importantly, you need to wrap your mind and ego around the fact that your self worth doesn't depend on this toxic mess of a woman wanting you. YOU don't want her...and keep telling yourself that until it actually sinks in.

    Overall, be kind to yourself. After 4 years, it takes about a year to actually feel whole again and fully moved on. Meanwhile, some days will be better than others. Do keep focusing on staying busy and doing things you enjoy. Focus on your friends or making new ones, focus on hobbies or finding new ones or both, and so on. If you need to learn that there are better woman out there, sure dip a toe in the dating pool here and there, but don't really get involved until you have actually moved on from your ex. Treat it just more as good to know you haven't lost it and can get dates and leave it at that for now.

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  6. #5
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    thanks guys

    no not blocked her, just deleted everything - so cant block her number now anyway as i dont have it... i dont expect her to reach out again to be honest, it shocked me as she never ever EVER reached out in the past... she had the attitude like ignorant/stubborn... so for her to text me on my birthday (yet didnt xmas or nye) i was actually really taken back... also this isnt the first time she had split with me over the festive period/my birthday - and she never reached out then, hence my shock when she did this time.

    that was 3 weeks back now anyway, just dont get it

    the thought of her though with someone else bothers me! and i know it shouldnt!!!

  7. #6
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    If she texts again, block.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James1982
    thanks guys

    no not blocked her, just deleted everything - so cant block her number now anyway as i dont have it... i dont expect her to reach out again to be honest, it shocked me as she never ever EVER reached out in the past... she had the attitude like ignorant/stubborn... so for her to text me on my birthday (yet didnt xmas or nye) i was actually really taken back... also this isnt the first time she had split with me over the festive period/my birthday - and she never reached out then, hence my shock when she did this time.

    that was 3 weeks back now anyway, just dont get it

    the thought of her though with someone else bothers me! and i know it shouldnt!!!
    You are trying real hard to get us to go down this rabbit hole with you but most of us have been there done that and got the T-shirt and know, in the grand scheme of things her reaching out on your birthday doesnít mean jack. Was her birthday message a reconciliation text? If it was it was lazy, I guessing it wasnít which equals fishing, youíve reconciled before have you not? She knows full well how to reconcile with you.

    The reason you havenít blocked isnít bwcause you canít its because youíre fully addicted to this on again off again games you both play and you still have full hope she will come back to you, thatís why you havenít blocked her.

    If you want to move on, if you want to be healthy, block her. Otherwise be prepared to months of more games and possibly rebounding with you if her current beau ends. Talk about relationship goals!!!!

  9. #8
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    yeah maybe you are right... it just threw me... and i was ok. I replied thanks and that was that (this was about 3 weeks ago). But now i am struggling these past few days and i dont know why.

    Honestly i do not expect her to message again.. this was out of character. If she was fishing, didnt she of follow it up?

    What puzzles me is that, we hadnt spoke, for a while, so she didnt need to message, she had a clean break... also if she was with someone - then why would she message me

    i just wonder if its to get in my head which it has

    just wanted to let it out thanks

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    As hard as it is to hear this, it's probably because she still cares about you in some way...

    Care doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to be with you though...

    That's how it's always gone down for me when I've been abandoned. It's kinda nice but kinda confusing too :-/

    Carus*


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