Abandonment issues?

Hello all!

I’m having this issue more than usual. At least recently it’s been pretty worse than what it usually is. I have been dating this great guy for over a year. I’ve known him since high school. I’m 33yrs old now so it was quite some time ago lol

We crossed paths and we began to date. We do a lot together. We stay active and try new things together and we are always looking for a new adventure to share together. We both love similar things and are both very open to trying new things as well. He’s pretty much my best friend. We get sling very well and are extremely happy. Except recently. He is aware of my past. I haven’t exactly dated saints and have pretty much always been hurt and cheated on. A few times I put myself through staying in the relationship even after the cheating and lying.

It was about a year since I had last dated before I met my now boyfriend. And he’s truly great. I have 2 kids and he doesn’t have any. He treats my kids so well and he’s very supportive and tries to understand as much to his capabilities with some issues I have.

Like I said I didn’t exactly date saints. Most days I’m fine, but lately I have just had this huge anxiety of getting hurt. And I know my bf wouldn’t do anything like what others have to hurt me but that fear is still there.

I have been damaged repeatedly by the same type of people, over and over again. That I honestly expect him to hurt me the same way. Even though he doesn’t give me reason to. It's a thick steel wall guard. I don't behave this way on purpose. I would love nothing more than to not have these random episodes where I feel anxious and just freak out because something triggers some bad memory or experience. That I wish that I wouldn't have these fears of getting hurt and just feeling not good enough. I want nothing more than to be able to just fall into his arms with complete trust that he is who he seems to be and I can be perfectly happy and safe in a relationship with him

..... but my own experiences have taught me otherwise over and over again. And that's what makes me paranoid and act the way I do. Fear. I’ve been betrayed so many times. That I’m always thinking of what if’s and recently it’s teally taken a huge toll on our relationship.

He says he isn’t giving up but it’s really unfair to him when he isn’t anything like them. And I know this. I know he isn’t like them and I know it isn’t fair to my boyfriend to be going through this.

I just always have this fear that he will find better and I’m not good enough.

Any advice on how to stop thinking this way? On how to cope with it or just deal with it?

Where do you want the relationship to go? What are your goals and his goals? Or are you just playing it by ear? Is it just coasting along or does he want a step family or kids of his own one day? Does he have kids?, is that ok with you?

Do not inflict the "abandonment" theory on him. Instead have a frank talk about what is happening in this current relationship. It seems you somehow sense he'll eventually bolt because you sense he's not up for someone else's kids and you don't want to rock the boat by talking about it.

This is not about past jerks, it's about the vagueness of this current dating situation and foreseeable incompatibilities and a 'just hang out' approach for over a year. Does he consider this casual dating? Do you?

As far as the past, that you can only sort out with a qualified therapist. He's not an abusive jerk, so your theory about that's all you ever get or pick is incorrect. However do try to decide what you want from this situation (casual, long term, etc).

-I have been dating this great guy for over a year.

-I have 2 kids and he doesn’t have any. He treats my kids so well and he’s very supportive and tries to understand as much to his capabilities with some issues I have.

I want nothing more than to be able to just fall into his arms with complete trust that he is who he seems to be and I can be perfectly happy and safe in a relationship with him

I just want to stop feeling so paranoid. We both want this to have a future and be long term. We aren’t just casual dating. We talk about a future and our plans together. He loves being a part of my kids lives and if it’s possible we both agreed we do want a kid together down the road.

its important to know you can survive a break up

think about ways he has opened his life up to you. family? friends?

Therapy and a complete physical including ruling out possible medical conditions. Do you have medical insurance? What is the hold up? There is no magic trick or magic bullet or quick fix. Unless of course you do choose to get some objective help and start helping yourself.

I just want to stop feeling so paranoid. We both want this to have a future and be long term. We aren’t just casual dating. We talk about a future and our plans together. He loves being a part of my kids lives and if it’s possible we both agreed we do want a kid together down the road.

Yes I have medical insurance. I was considering therapy actually.

He says the same thing whenever we have talked about it. And when I start feeling this way to try and take a step back and look at the bigger picture of what we actually have and to try and stop dwelling on the what if’s and things that aren’t even happening

Excellent because bfs can't be therapists and if you persist in talking about all your issues incessantly and expecting chronic constant reassurances..that may in itself cause this "abandonment" because no one who is healthy wants a partner who is insecure, needs constant reassurances, constantly wants to talk about the past, exes, etc.

Yes I have medical insurance. I was considering therapy actually.

I agree. It’s quite embarrassing when wanting that reassurance. Thank you for all your help

Yes I have medical insurance. I was considering therapy actually.

Good idea. Working out this issue on your own can preclude you from projecting 'stuff' onto your BF that doesn't belong to him.

One way to preview a therapist before investing may be to learn whether your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). It's designed for employees to use 3 free counseling to work through an acute problem or receive referrals to other resources.

If so, compare the list of EAP therapists with those listed in your insurance network. Scheduling with one who's on both lists means that you can attend the 3 EAP sessions to learn whether you'll want to continue working with this therapist. If so, great, and if not, you haven't invested money to learn that you'll ant to select another therapist from your insurance list.

I agree - therapy should help in the longer term. In the short term, however, it might help if you focus on what's REALLY happening day by day, rather than worrying about stuff which may never happen at all. If you find yourself getting preoccupied about the future, practise thought-stopping and bring yourself back to the present - and it sounds as though you have a good relationship with a guy who really cares about you. Keep reflecting on his kindness, loyalty and the wonderful things you do together, rather than distancing him for things which he hasn't actually done.

Don't underestimate how much this kind of anxiety can ruin your life; I have a friend who's in good health, lovely home, lovely partner, rewarding career... all the rest... who is worried about the toxic treatment she would need if she had cancer, and the toll on her body. She will talk about this for hours and get really upset about it.

Actually, she doesn't have cancer at all and probably never will!

In a way, your fears about your partner finding someone better are similar to hers about chemotherapy; if she concentrated on her current good health and all the positive things in her life she would have a much happier life, instead of one which is full of dark, negative, unhealthy thoughts.

So... wishing you loads of positive thoughts and good luck with finding a therapist!

Hello all!

 

I’m having this issue more than usual. At least recently it’s been pretty worse than what it usually is. I have been dating this great guy for over a year. I’ve known him since high school. I’m 33yrs old now so it was quite some time ago lol

We crossed paths and we began to date. We do a lot together. We stay active and try new things together and we are always looking for a new adventure to share together. We both love similar things and are both very open to trying new things as well. He’s pretty much my best friend. We get sling very well and are extremely happy. Except recently. He is aware of my past. I haven’t exactly dated saints and have pretty much always been hurt and cheated on. A few times I put myself through staying in the relationship even after the cheating and lying.

It was about a year since I had last dated before I met my now boyfriend. And he’s truly great. I have 2 kids and he doesn’t have any. He treats my kids so well and he’s very supportive and tries to understand as much to his capabilities with some issues I have.

Like I said I didn’t exactly date saints. Most days I’m fine, but lately I have just had this huge anxiety of getting hurt. And I know my bf wouldn’t do anything like what others have to hurt me but that fear is still there.

I have been damaged repeatedly by the same type of people, over and over again. That I honestly expect him to hurt me the same way. Even though he doesn’t give me reason to. It's a thick steel wall guard. I don't behave this way on purpose. I would love nothing more than to not have these random episodes where I feel anxious and just freak out because something triggers some bad memory or experience. That I wish that I wouldn't have these fears of getting hurt and just feeling not good enough. I want nothing more than to be able to just fall into his arms with complete trust that he is who he seems to be and I can be perfectly happy and safe in a relationship with him

..... but my own experiences have taught me otherwise over and over again. And that's what makes me paranoid and act the way I do. Fear. I’ve been betrayed so many times. That I’m always thinking of what if’s and recently it’s teally taken a huge toll on our relationship.

He says he isn’t giving up but it’s really unfair to him when he isn’t anything like them. And I know this. I know he isn’t like them and I know it isn’t fair to my boyfriend to be going through this.

I just always have this fear that he will find better and I’m not good enough.

 

Any advice on how to stop thinking this way? On how to cope with it or just deal with it?