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Thread: Marriage and natural decline in sex ....

  1. #1
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009

    Marriage and natural decline in sex ....

    Just a quick question that has bothered me for sometime -

    And just to rule out the future comments here we are not talking about cheating, and/or sex counselors or marriage counselors etc …or anything about how your relationship is not like that so there must be something wrong!

    I strictly would like to know why woman in particular (although im sure wives think this about there husbands as well) does sex and sex drive completely bottom out the longer your married? When you are dating your significant other it seems like its endless sex and sex drive is through the roof (anywhere anytime, spontaneous etc ) -

    Now the usual, Im tired, I cant wait to go to bed, the kids, the mental fatigue from work, the drama with family is on my mind, money issues etc etc etc …..It goes from not a care in the world to I literally have everything on my mind for the next week and a half and the schedule in my mind has to be clear so I can even be remotely in the mood -

    Plus why is that ok? Woman want to know why men constantly are asking for sex, (like permission) but its because our drive is daily and it sucks to not be able to fulfill that (yes I know sounds selfish) but part if that is the closeness and wanting to make your significant other feel good too, obviously not just about getting off!

    Now some factors here
    1. If you have kids (more than 2) make it even worse!
    2. Have a stressful job
    3. Low libido ?
    4. Takes longer to get in mood
    5. Clean house?
    6. Upcoming event

    Please shine some light here -
    Last edited by MrAdversity; 02-14-2019 at 03:31 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    Sex is always the first thing on a couples mind when life in general doesn't get in the way of all the fun.

    Try having sex with your partner in the morning before you are both fully awake and you start worrying about everything that has to be done, taken care of and stressed over.

    It worked for us for four decades now and our libidos (thankfully) have dwindled at the same pace so its all good. Putting your focus back on your partner through date nights, a turned off television and your kids at a babysitter goes a long way to bringing back passion. If you are sitting watching t.v. and not even having a decent conversation (or a sultry grab now and again) then you can't expect to have lust for one another like you did during the new relationship energy.

    You also have to remember that you are husband and wife and not just mommy and daddy and keep the courtship going as much as you can manage. Otherwise, you just become activity partners who have kids together.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Having been in an LTR and married and now being single and in a new (and hot) relationship I wondered initially if it was an age thing that kept me from feeling hot for my husband. Turns out that when I have some quality time, communication, and a partner that respects my personality as much (if not more) as my body I am hot pretty much ALL THE TIME.

    I believe a key reason sex dwindles in a marriage is because people take their relationship for granted. It's important to continue building intimacy and emotional connection with your partner as long as you are together... having fun together is super important too... being able to step outside the daily stresses and focus on just each other whatever that looks like for you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Resentment can be a libido killer, and continual pressure for sex can build resistance and cause resentment. Backing off on pursuit of sex in favor of cultivating other aspects of the relationship can rebuild trust and intimacy. That's a climate for resistance to drop away because it removes the lockjam of a power struggle.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Lack of romance and lack of emotional connection seems to be a libido killer for women. Add to this domestic drudgery, plus working, plus kids, etc., etc., etc.. She starts to feel like unpaid unappreciated household help more than a sexy woman.

    Then add to that the mentality that it's "her duty" to have sex and just another chore on the endless list of domestic drudgery. It's up to you to take her out on date nights, help out much more around the house and with the kids. restore an emotional connection by just listening when she wants to talk, complement her. That's all you can do from your end to see if that improves things.

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Frequency may vary in cycles but doesn't dry up just because "that's the way it's supposed to go".

    And each partner can't "earn sex" if one side feels sexual initiation isn't being accepted enough and thinks it "must get better if only I do more".

    That itself is a common fallacy and only builds resentment, adding to the (varys) real problem(s).

    Keeping the lines of communication open between partners is the single greatest sex starter there is. And it's far easier to say this, than do it.

    Many, many ltr partners have a mutually satisfying high frequency sex life through all the stages of marriage; early, children, teenagers, empty nesters, and retirement.

    Each partner should try and eat right, get some exercise, and enjoy hot and frequent sex with their other half.

    There's no better way to keep increasing the intimacy between couples.
    Last edited by Ragnar; 02-15-2019 at 10:30 AM. Reason: Typo

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Now the usual, Im tired, I cant wait to go to bed, the kids, the mental fatigue from work, the drama with family is on my mind, money issues etc etc etc …..It goes from not a care in the world to I literally have everything on my mind for the next week and a half and the schedule in my mind has to be clear so I can even be remotely in the mood -

    If your wife is telling you this, then she is communicating to you very clearly what the problem is - she is exhausted because you aren't pulling enough weight in the marriage. So yeah, she isn't in the mood to cater to your needs on top of everything else on her plate.

    This isn't good or normal or how marriages go. This is your marriage and the problems that need to be solved in your marriage. Your wife feels like a mule who is pulling a giant load that you aren't helping enough with and so yeah, that doesn't exactly leaving her feeling sexy and in the mood. When you were dating, you didn't have kids and aging in-laws, bills, mortgages, and so on. You want your sex life to improve, then step up more.

  9. #8
    It's hard to feel sexy or get into the mood for sex when you feel unappreciated; that's what guys fail to realize. Unappreciated as in being taken advantage of, which tends to happen after a while in a relationship/marriage. We have a tendency for complacency when we're comfortable, and we stop doing the things to support our spouse. It's true. We stop pulling out chairs, opening car doors, sending flowers or little trinkets of our affection. We stiff her with the kids and elect her as the home banker. We don't cook. Then, when we do cook, we don't clean up. We make promises that we don't keep. Worst of all, we don't listen to her when she's asking for a little help. Just take, take and more take. Never give. Then, we do one thing and act like we should be celebrated for what's naturally our responsibility. So...after a long day, she's tired, disappointed and now all of sudden we come foaming at the mouth for sex, no. She ain't in the mood after being yoked around all day, bro.

    Everyday, I strive to be a better husband and supporter of my wife. When she's not looking, I grab a basket of her laundry, drag it down the steps, wash and fold it. I vacuum and often, not because the floor is dirty, but just because she likes those stupid little lines in the rug. Without warning, I go outside and wash her car and put the shiny stuff on her tires. I cook often. I wake up early to make breakfast and then offer to clean up after. Though, I've gotten away from doing this, usually, while we're watching a movie, if I'm not massaging her soles, I rub her back or play in her hair. I still pull out her chair, open her car door or hold the door for her at the movies. Even when I'm watching the game, if my wife comes downstairs to talk, I press "pause" and turn around to offer her my undivided attention.

    I absolutely love and worship my wife and want to keep my promise to be a good husband. It's not perfect, we still have our share of troubles here and there. Marriage is hard. But it would be even more difficult if I didn't do half the things I do which makes her happy and feel appreciated.

    Good luck.

  10. #9
    Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    When you're young and in love, the relationship is new, both of you are carefree and have lots of time and energy. Then marriage and daily busyness of reality sets in. There are jobs, growing families, chores, errands, family commitments such as sports, church, community involvement, school, homework, pets and of course, your wife is tired! Lighten her load then. Hire a house cleaner or you do more such as helping her clean the house, cook the meals, chauffeur the kids, take the dog for a walk, volunteer with sports or school and do whatever it takes so she doesn't burnout. Perhaps she is exhausted and doesn't have an ounce of energy left for you. Figure out how you can make her life easier and then she'll have time and energy for you when it comes to intimacy. Pick up the slack.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Interesting discussion.
    My husband had a limited sex drive from the beginning of our relationship. We never had a "bunny" phase. I always thought.. we have our whole lives to get in bed..its ok
    20 years into a relationship, and 11 into a marriage.. its MIA. and Im dying.
    We dont have kids, and we have had the same jobs forever.
    Granted he has some medical stuff that may be the cause of some change, but I cant tell you how bad it is..

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