Relationship over but still roommates. Boundries?

So my girlfriend and I got together 10 years ago today but after numerous issues we ended it last summer. We felt it was for the best and wanted to stay friends and for financial reasons decided to stay roommates. She has her area, I have mine and things were fine. But in December she started seeing another guy. She was honest and told me and I admitted it stung a little but we are single adults now. Then last month she has him at our house. Awkward is an understatement. But he didn't leave and spent the night in her room. Now I'm angry and hurt. Later she asked if I was uncomfortable with it and I told her I was. She said she didn't want me to feel bad and she probably wouldn't have him over anymore but that didn't happen. He spends the night here 1 to 2 times a week. I know she's an adult and single but to me this is really crossing the line. It really hurts to know the woman you were with is now in bed with someone else right over your head. She says she doesn't want to lose me as a friend and wants me to stay part of her family ( she has 2 teenage daughters, 1 out of the house) but I feel like the damage is done and now I see us as roommates only. And yes, I will be moving out. Am I over reacting or did she go too far?

It was a ridiculous set up. Were you going to go a lifetime telling a woman you're dating "If we spend the night together, it will have to be at your place because I live in a house with my ex and I don't want to hurt her feelings."

I guess neither of you thought this through well enough. And how is this friendship going to work out? If you're dating a new woman, are you going to tell her, I'm going out to dinner with the woman I was in a 10 year relationship with? Perhaps you need to spend a little time considering all of the what ifs. I know it's hard to move away from someone whose life you were so intertwined with, but sometimes it's best for yourself to gradually lessen time together and contact as you move into a new chapter of your life. Take care.

You're right, I knew this living arrangement wouldn't last. Like I said it was a financial thing. I guess I didn't expect to be in the front row to see her start another relationship. I knew she would eventually, I have no issue there. Maybe I'm more angry with myself

You two have been living as roommates since last summer... that is a long time. In a sense, what she is doing makes perfect sense. If this arrangement is going to work, there has to be a way to have overnight guests. Its up to you to manage your thoughts and feelings.

How do you deal with it - that is an understandable and formidable challenge and that is why being roommates is rarely how people break up.

Neither of you is wrong. You put yourselves in a difficult situation by underestimating how useful boundaries are in managing relationships.

Seems like she did genuinely move on and only sees you as a friend/roommate. Unfortunately, it would seem that you aren't on the same page and perhaps were a bit dishonest with yourself about your reasons for staying in this arrangement. So now you have to deal with what you have to deal with, including having to finally accept that things are really over and she really has moved on. Given your roommate arrangement, she isn't doing anything wrong or disrespectful to you. She is actually living her life as she should.

Overall, this is a very messy arrangement that will get in the way of you forming a healthy relationship with someone else. Most sane people will take one look at this and walk away. You should actually beware of those who don't. So, best that you and her actually part ways for good and move on out into your own place.

Sorry this is happening. Until you can move, what about some ground rules such as no overnight guests? Did you give her notice that you are moving? Is it her house?

But in December she started seeing another guy. He spends the night here 1 to 2 times a week.

Wiseman, it's a rental but there's no formal lease. She knows I'll move out but I need to tell her today that it's happening sooner than she expected. Maybe I got comfortable staying here because it's easier money wise. I know there's no way she can afford this place on her own and apparently the new guy doesn't work. It's funny, I don't have any feelings for her, I don't want us back together but this really hurts. I've been through my share of break ups but this is a first for me.

How does the OP have any right at all to dictate whether or not she has overnight guests?

If he were living with a male buddy as a roommate would he impose the same restrictions?

HE chose to remain as a roommate. That doesn't give him any rights over his ex's romantic life.

I'd never date someone living with their ex, but if you are broken up and mutually decided to be roomates, then she has all the right to have the overnight guests she wants given that they respect your space and privacy. The person she owes boundaries is her current boyfriend, who might not be comfortable with his girlfriend living with an ex. Since you accepted this, you have no ground to be angry or feeling disrespected since you're just roomates.

This was bound to happen and is not a sustainable situation if you want to have an healthy relationship with someone else in the future. And maybe you're not ready to be her friend yet. She might want to keep you as friend/family, but in most break ups, there needs to be space and distance so that both parties can move on and stop being attached to each other. Only after that, and still with some limitations should exes think about being friend. Not right after break up. (to each his own, just my opinion).

If you have to leave the house sooner, then do it. She might have to move to a smaller apartment that she can afford, but that's life. You don't owe her living with her so that she can pay rent in that house.

I don't have any feelings for her, I don't want us back together but this really hurts

Well, what hurts? Her being with him is a natural outcome of dating; it doesn't reflect on you at all, and it doesn't mean she will like him enough to stay with him for 9 years.

I mean, playing devil's advocate here -- if you don't want a relationship then this is all about you. And if that is the case, you can resolve it by reframing your perspective.

I'd never date someone living with their ex, but if you are broken up and mutually decided to be roomates, then she has all the right to have the overnight guests she wants given that they respect your space and privacy. The person she owes boundaries is her current boyfriend, who might not be comfortable with his girlfriend living with an ex. Since you accepted this, you have no ground to be angry or feeling disrespected since you're just roomates.

 

This was bound to happen and is not a sustainable situation if you want to have an healthy relationship with someone else in the future. And maybe you're not ready to be her friend yet. She might want to keep you as friend/family, but in most break ups, there needs to be space and distance so that both parties can move on and stop being attached to each other. Only after that, and still with some limitations should exes think about being friend. Not right after break up. (to each his own, just my opinion).

 

If you have to leave the house sooner, then do it. She might have to move to a smaller apartment that she can afford, but that's life. You don't owe her living with her so that she can pay rent in that house.

100% on point.

Who cares if new guy works? How is that relevant; why do you even know? It has nothing to do with you and your choices, whatsoever.

So my girlfriend and I got together 10 years ago today but after numerous issues we ended it last summer. We felt it was for the best and wanted to stay friends and for financial reasons decided to stay roommates. She has her area, I have mine and things were fine. But in December she started seeing another guy. She was honest and told me and I admitted it stung a little but we are single adults now. Then last month she has him at our house. Awkward is an understatement. But he didn't leave and spent the night in her room. Now I'm angry and hurt. Later she asked if I was uncomfortable with it and I told her I was. She said she didn't want me to feel bad and she probably wouldn't have him over anymore but that didn't happen. He spends the night here 1 to 2 times a week. I know she's an adult and single but to me this is really crossing the line. It really hurts to know the woman you were with is now in bed with someone else right over your head. She says she doesn't want to lose me as a friend and wants me to stay part of her family ( she has 2 teenage daughters, 1 out of the house) but I feel like the damage is done and now I see us as roommates only. And yes, I will be moving out. Am I over reacting or did she go too far?

Time to spread your wings and quit this codependence you two have on one another. Who she has over for the night is none of your business and if you didn't live with her still, you'd not know who she has there.

Your arrangement is dysfunctional, immature, codependent, I'll even go as far as to call it silly.

Get out, grow up, grow out of your attachment to her and get on with finding your own new partner that you can have over for yourself.

You have stagnated yourself from being indifferent to her romantically by keeping yourselves far too involved with one another.

It's funny, I don't have any feelings for her, I don't want us back together but this really hurts. I've been through my share of break ups but this is a first for me.

Yes you do have feelings for her and this is probably why you are feeling angry and hurt right now. It is completely normal to have feelings for someone you were in a 10 year relationship with, and it takes time to let those feelings go. Believe me I get it... when my ex moved on 4 months after we separated I was devastated and cried for days... even though I was definitely over being in a relationship with him, I still had many feelings for him that I was in the process of letting go.

You can have feelings for her and have no desire to be in a relationship with her. That's just part of the grieving process. As someone else said, thinking you could stay roommates and just move on with your lives probably wasn't the most well thought out plan. Time to have a conversation about living arrangements with her.

You two should never have continued living together.

Sooner or later one of you was bound to get involved with someone else. She just happened to get there first.

It's time you truly accept this break-up and move out.

this is what happens when one refuses to rip the band-aid off.

If she had brought someone home in the first couple of months while you were grieving the relationship and actively looking for a new place to live, frankly, I would have judged her harshly.

... but 8 months or so on? She is moving on with her life (as well she should). Your hurt is not a reflection of her callousness (I don’t think she is being unreasonable at all) - it’s a reflection of the inappropriate living arrangements.

Btw - if you do have the tiniest desire in the back of your mind to ever want to get back together - letting her have her cake (no disruption to her life, or living arrangements, still having you around to talk to and do her favors, etc) and eating it too (being able to date and sleep with other people) is the worst possible way to make that happen. She can’t miss you or all that you bring to the table while you are still there and letting her walk all over you is the opposite of attractive. Just saying.

I agree that this isn’t a case of anybody doing anything “wrong”... but I agree that you need distance now to be able to forge and discover what your own life path will be. Only once you have formed your new life (living separately, forming new hobbies, making new friends, discovering who YOU are and want to be now, dating, etc) - only THEN can you realistically decide if she fits into your new life, in my opinion. Trying to do it now will only hurt you and hold you back.

I need to make something clear. I accepted the fact that our relationship was over. But yes, I put my self, actually both of us, in a bad situation. We care about each other, I love her daughters like they are my own. But I was stupid to think that this living arrangement would work. To be honest, I guess I posted here looking for a little sympathy but instead I got a dose of cold hard truth. It's really what I needed. I thank all of you. We did talk tonight, I am moving out. She and I agreed that my staying here would completely destroy any friendship in the future. Someone I know told me today that maybe I'm jealous of the fact she has found someone. Maybe she's right. But I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'll move on and be fine. It's just of all the days this could happen. This would have been our 10 year anniversary, Valentines Day and my birthday to top it off. Thank you all for being bluntly honest. I haven't actually felt this good in days.

I need to make something clear. I accepted the fact that our relationship was over. But yes, I put my self, actually both of us, in a bad situation. We care about each other, I love her daughters like they are my own. But I was stupid to think that this living arrangement would work. To be honest, I guess I posted here looking for a little sympathy but instead I got a dose of cold hard truth. It's really what I needed. I thank all of you. We did talk tonight, I am moving out. She and I agreed that my staying here would completely destroy any friendship in the future. Someone I know told me today that maybe I'm jealous of the fact she has found someone. Maybe she's right. But I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'll move on and be fine. It's just of all the days this could happen. This would have been our 10 year anniversary, Valentines Day and my birthday to top it off. Thank you all for being bluntly honest. I haven't actually felt this good in days.

You did well in deciding to move out. It's for the best for both of you. You see you'll feel better once you're living in another place and having a life independent of her.

Agree. Now you can consider moving forward and dating as well. Have you considered that the breakup is really just hitting you now with this event?

You did well in deciding to move out. It's for the best for both of you. You see you'll feel better once you're living in another place and having a life independent of her.

You gave yourself a birthday gift by putting yourself first