Month after breakup, ex went from no contact, to fwb and now platonic friends..?

Well as some of you may recall from my prior post ex wanted to be friends with benefits. Turns out effective last night that she just wants to be friends. Her reasoning was not because she didn't want to continue doing xyz, but because she feels my emotional instability (ptsd) would make for a terrible time if and when day she told me it had to end because she was interested in someone else.

At first I was very against the idea and made it known, yet when I said no, I recieved all sorts of almost mean messages, saying more or less "we can be great friends, still hang out and do all the things we enjoy doing, just no sex. But that's not good enough for you."

After giving it some thought I agreed to a friendship, but made it a point even though she plans on seeing me this weekend (details will be below), to bring her all her stuff I had left at my place. In total a 6 hour, 400 mile trip.

Upon getting to her house, providing her stuff she asked if I was hungry and we went out to dinner. At this point she explained why she couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with me anyfurther. "I felt like I could chew you up and spit you out. We do get along and have fun together when we're doing things, but idk..."

To me it sounds like my emotional instability also showed its self in forms of insecurities. Aka, she felt like she was the dominant one.

So we have dinner, get back to her house and I pull into her drive way, she asks if I'm coming in and instead stay seated in the car and tell her I'm taking off.

Here's the part I don't understand... She was talking about what time we would have to leave her house Saturday morning to go do some hiking. Key word there is "we". To me saying she expects me to drive up Friday night and stay there. Also, she says Sunday I can bring her dog out hiking, while her and her sister go get tattoos. So here we are again, another weekend going to be spent at her place, albeit this time her making it clear, no sex.

What should I make of this, once again end result is to rekindle feelings of attraction and at least get her into thinking of me as more then a friend.

This is just dysfunctional at this point.

You are going to wind up really hurt when she meets a new guy. She's positioning you as her placeholder until she finds someone else.

After she broke up and gave you the reasons (unstable, can't handle it), she's been tiptoeing out of this and now you're in the friendzone, sorry. Don't hang out with her.

After she broke up and gave you the reasons (unstable, can't handle it), she's been tiptoeing out of this and now you're in the friendzone, sorry. Don't hang out with her.

That's what I've been beginning to think. Of course this morning I wake up to "glad you got home safe, what time will you be here tomorrow".. She's speaking of Friday.

Walk away.

Just because she says these things doesn't make it so. What do you want?

When you have to convince someone to be with you, or to stick around and hope the person who dumped you will finally open their eyes to your wonderfulness, you are wasting so much of your precious time. What I'm assuming you want is a girlfriend who is crazy about you, and vice versa, and someone who you can enjoy companionship with including SEX. Your "friendship" with the ex is preventing you from achieving this goal. No self-respecting woman will date you when she finds out you're hanging out with an ex. She's not the only, pretty, sexy, fun girl around (and your ex was too far away anyway.) Your ex will also drop you like a hot potato as soon as she dates someone, as her new guy won't want her ex FWB communicating with her, and she will choose him, believe me.

Go no contact for your own good and closure. When you're ready to date again, try for local dating so you can regularly date a woman at a normal pace. Good luck.

When you have to convince someone to be with you, or to stick around and hope the person who dumped you will finally open their eyes to your wonderfulness, you are wasting so much of your precious time. What I'm assuming you want is a girlfriend who is crazy about you, and vice versa, and someone who you can enjoy companionship with including SEX. Your "friendship" with the ex is preventing you from achieving this goal. No self-respecting woman will date you when she finds out you're hanging out with an ex. She's not the only, pretty, sexy, fun girl around (and your ex was too far away anyway.) Your ex will also drop you like a hot potato as soon as she dates someone, as her new guy won't want her ex FWB communicating with her, and she will choose him, believe me.

 

Go no contact for your own good and closure. When you're ready to date again, try for local dating so you can regularly date a woman at a normal pace. Good luck.

I appreciate this advice and really is beginning to resonate that I don't want to be friends with her. Its just unfortunate because we have great times when we're together.

Think about how you would feel after you've driven six hours and when you go inside her new boyfriend is sitting in the living room.

Yes, that absolutely could happen.

She's fallen out of love with you, but love dies a slow death - she's weaning herself off of you on her terms - because she knows you are wimpy and would never leave her. How long are you going to let this woman play with you and drag your heart through the gutter? Doesn't it make you mad to be played? Have some dignity for yourself and cut contact.

Why are you bringing her dog hiking while she does something else?

Hopefully your self esteem is higher than this, but...

A male friend of mine was living with his girlfriend. She went to an event one weekend and hooked up with another guy (she thought the other guy had more money than my friend and that is important to her). She then proceeded to date him and then MOVED HIM INTO THE APARTMENT SHE SHARED WITH MY FRIEND, forcing him to sleep on the couch while she and the new guy shared the bed he used to share with her. She would also ask him to babysit her kids while she went on dates with the new guy and he actually agreed! He thought if he was cool enough with whatever she did she'd eventually see the light and come back to him.

Please don't be "that guy". She will lose whatever respect she might still have for you and will not fall back in love with you. People don't fall in love with those they don't respect or who behave like eager puppies or doormats.

You've just been demoted to being her buddy.

Honestly, if I were her and you allowed me to run you ragged, while still having a lot of benefits of having a boyfriend but yet I owed you nothing in return. . and you kept coming back for more? . . I'd lose respect for you.

You are basically helping her wean herself from you.

Don't do this to yourself.

Oof man you have got to get out of this situation. A few months or weeks even of not talking to your ex and getting a grip on your emotions will have you kicking yourself for even considering demoting yourself to her friend. Walk away now and keep your self-respect. As a bonus, she will have to actually go through the breakup pain of losing you instead of being comfy cozy knowing you'll always be there if she changes her mind. Sheesh.

Oof man you have got to get out of this situation. A few months or weeks even of not talking to your ex and getting a grip on your emotions will have you kicking yourself for even considering demoting yourself to her friend. Walk away now and keep your self-respect. As a bonus, she will have to actually go through the breakup pain of losing you instead of being comfy cozy knowing you'll always be there if she changes her mind. Sheesh.

Never thought I would find myself in such a spot. I'm torn right now with what I need to do. I feel either way I'm not getting out of this with a win.

A win would be no longer putting yourself in a position where someone can take advantage of you (with your consent, of course) or see you as someone lacking self respect.

You'd win your own high opinion of yourself.

You'd win the possibility of finding someone who does want to be with you without you having to convince her. And that can't happen as long as you're lurking around your ex.

It's not about having a win. I believe your stuck in an emotional mindset that you won't get out of until you create some space between you and your ex.

Ask yourself if what you've been doing so far is getting you closer to or further away from your goals? Are you in constant pain or in a near constant state anxiety? I think if you answer those questions honestly you will realize that you need to do something different in this situation that will allow you to breathe and actually think rationally.

Being her friend and continuing your current pain can go on indefinitely or until she finds someone new. Make the hard choice to cut it now and you'll save yourself a lot of pain in the long-run.

Never thought I would find myself in such a spot. I'm torn right now with what I need to do. I feel either way I'm not getting out of this with a win.

What you need to do is simple, and I suspect you know it: you just end it all, for real. You say, "I need some real time and space to myself, and won't be in touch anymore. Best wishes."

Or something like that, if you need to say something.

I know that's easier said than done, but it's doable. And once you build the muscle it's actually not that hard.

So if you need a "win" think of it that way: new, important muscle gained that will serve you well in life.

Its just unfortunate because we have great times when we're together.

At last count there are 325.7 million people in the US. If you could have an amazing time with just 1 in 1000 people, that is still 325,700 people you could have amazing times with. So, lose the one who knows you are still interested but just want to keep you around as a place holder until she finds someone better. And, there is absolutely no doubt that she is looking. She is someone who will string you along because she knows you will follow her around like a lost puppy starving for scraps.

Cut her off entirely and stay single for a while to cultivate your self esteem and to become happy in yoruself again.

Ya this is weird but def stay friends with her. Don't lose her as a friend. Because there can always be. Chance to rekindle feelings

Ya this is weird but def stay friends with her. Don't lose her as a friend. Because there can always be. Chance to rekindle feelings

Update.

Did go over this weekend. Friday she says to me after we go out for drinks! "I'm sitting here thinking this would work.".. This. And after we were having a great night but I went to sit down on her couch and more or less said to her "I shouldn't be here, should I." she then sent from happy go lucky.. To ripping me a new one asking me why I always have to do that. My answer was because of what she had told me about being just friends... But that wasn't an excuse for her. My ptsd she says is bull and I need to stop being a product of my environment... Just laid into me. The. In the midst of all that said the "seeing this work" thing.

Slept on thr same bed that night, nothing happened or was wanted. Saturday, good day again, we go hiking, she then has a work dinner party, says I can stay and chill. She comes back last night and we go to bed again, sleep, but nothing else. I tried to "snuggle up", but although I was able to to that point, her end was not returning the effort I was giving.

So that brings us go today. She has things going on and I offered earlier in the week to go hiking with her dog. We go out separate ways this morning, I attempt to give her a hug and alls she says is "why, it does not make sense.".. After that I send a message more or less saying I can not be her friend and if there is no hope of reconciliation that this was not going to be the place for me.

Fast forward to tonight. I fall asleep on her couch due to being exhaustes from hiking. She gets home, wakes me uo. Asks if I'm sleeping there or in her bed. I choose bed. While laying there, I try to get closer again at which point she says "this is exactly what I'm talking about.", I ask her straight out if and what her words meant on Friday. No response other then "I told you I don't want a relationship with you."... I ask her if it was ever going to be more then Friends... Forget what she said but essentially it came to the point of her saying "what are you going to do just leave? Ha. Ha. Typical, just like clockwork".

So I left and he we are.

Forget her find a new one. Screw the games. Dust her off your shoulders and don't ever worry about a another again. Worry about yourself. And your success. Women will just interfere. After you become successful and confident they will come all a sudden