Feeling guilty about breaking up with someone I wasn't officially with

Let me start by saying this will be a little long so a sincere thank you to anyone that reads it and replies.

I've posted on here before, mostly relating to my hardships stemming back to my bad break-up in Sept 2011 from my fiance' of 4 years. Since then it has been one quick failure after another with usually large gaps in between save for one 9 month relationship from 2015-2016 which was rocky from the start. One of worst parts of everything is these are women I pursue, never the other way around and my continued failures just continue to decimate my self image and have really put me in a don't GAF mindset. Also I should add I'm 34 years old so no HS/college drama, no kids along the way, no substance abuse/gambling/infidelity(at least on my part) issues and no run in's with the law for any reason. Also have been steadily employed for the last 13 years so work plays very little into it.

Back in July of 2017 my friends and I were attending a concert in Philadelphia. A woman one of my friends was seeing at the time, from Maryland, who was with us who knows I had been alone and at least keeping an eye out introduced me to a friend of hers who was there, also from Maryland, who she thought I might get along with. Sure enough we hit it off but I believe and good portion of it was the atmosphere we were in that day. To my surprise she offered to come back to my place after the show despite the fact that from where I live in Pennsylvania we were about 3 hours apart. We had a nice night and said our goodbyes the next day and honestly I didn't think too much about her.

Surely enough the texting began shortly after. I was fine with it as she was nice/fun person and it was harmless enough. About a month after we met we got together for dinner one night when she was up my way, I kept things very light as I was looking at it more as a friendly get together but afterwards when we were talking out at the car she let me know she had developed a crush on me to which I personally didn't get as excited about as I thought I would have. Now let me say it's not as if she is a walking red flag, she has a great career(much better than mine), similar interests, no "demons," and is decent looking(albeit somewhat overweight).

Since I was unsure about the situation I figured I would let her know that I just didn't see it working but she was determined to not take no for an answer. Now because she was someone who I at least thought of as a person who I didn't mind having as a friend I kept the lines of communication open although it wasn't as if we were non-stop talking day and night. We would get together here and there when she would come up for work, which was maybe once every 6 weeks or so but I would never go down to where she lived or go to stay at her hotels with her. I also kept our text conversations short, dull or even at times rude thinking she would lose interest but she never waned.

She would complain that I never visited her but finally in July of last year she got her wish when my friends and I decided to take a day trip to Baltimore, where she had moved to in the mean time and I let here know weeks before when we were coming, what we were doing and that she was welcome to join us. I even went as far as to suggest to my friends that we eat lunch at a restaurant that her sister owned both because it was close to where she lived and because I felt good supporting someone who she was related to. She met us for lunch but then proceeded to tell me she couldn't join us the rest of the day like she said she would. Her excuse was that she needed to help her sister get an outfit/makeup ready for something she was doing that night so I said she could meet us later that evening. When I told her where we were going she didn't want to meet us since she "didn't like that place" but she did offer to let us stay the night at here place. My friend had driven and he was up for the idea instead of driving 3 hours at 11pm but he ended up getting a second wind and decided he wanted to go home that night and not wait until the morning. I called her to let her know we would instead be going home and was given an earful about to which I told her to complain to my friend and not me since it wasn't my choice but I told her I would gladly stay and pay her to drive me home the next day but she din't want to since she didn't have to work up my way that week. Needless to say what I though would be a good day for her, having me on her turf for once, turned to and amazingly she didn't want to take responsibility for her actions.

Shortly after in about September of last year she told me she was up for a transfer/promotion and could either move closer to my area permanently or go to Boston. I told her that it would certainly help any future relationship we might have if she was closer and we could actually see each other more regularly if she moved near me plus she would still be fairly close to Maryland and her family/friends. I also told her it was smarter since if she went to Boston she would be extremely farther away from everything and everyone she knows, including me, that I wouldn't have time to visit up there at all due to my work schedule not to mention I knew she wouldn't have patience for the harsh winter.

Since I didn't want to give her a definite yes as far as we were concerned since we in reality still hadn't had a real chance to attempt any real dating due to our distance and the fact that personally I don't like LDR she decided to go to Boston. She did say she at least wanted to try it to see what it was all about and that she would only be required by her company to spend a year there and if she unhappy with it she could pick up her old position or come to my area like she had the option to.

Surely enough she was basically miserable from the start up there and was constantly telling me how much she thought about me and missed me. I told her I still wasn't going to commit to something in this manner though and that after her year was up if she came to my area and we could give things a proper go then I might feel differently. She ended up coming home to Maryland around Halloween for a week and wanted to come up for a night to see me but not to my surprise screwed her plans up and didn't get the chance which she made a big deal of but ultimately was her fault. She came home again around Christmas and I convinced her to come my New Years party which she did but partially only because she was ditched by someone who was supposed to hang out with her down there and in her typical manner of being terrible with being on time getting to my place around 5 on NYE turned into her literally walking in the door right after the ball dropped. To further make things worse she said she could only stay until about 6AM since she had to go back to Baltimore to catch her flight later that day so surely enough what should have been a good opportunity to spend quality time together, which she wants more than me, was grenaded.

This brings us to now. She decided to come down this past weekend for my birthday which I was fine with. As per usual she was terrible at being on time. Getting here at 5PM on Friday turned into 11PM turned into 6AM Saturday turned into 1130AM Saturday then when 1130 comes around she texts me saying she forgot the $20 ticket for the concert we were going to that night and that she turned around to get it and that she wouldn't be here until 130PM now and of course I was annoyed and told her that I would have bought her another one instead of her wasting time but she didn't mention it to me before she turned around. Finally at 215 she arrives and we get on our way. We go out to lunch with some people and then to a brewery and everything is moving along decently except that somehow I ended up paying for her lunch and drinks which on my birthday I thought was a little odd. The concert was decent but as the night went on she got more moody and y to which I chalk up to it being a long day and her getting tired.

We finally get home and sure enough the intimacy commences and we fall asleep in each others arms. The next day though, which I though would be a great opportunity for us to just lay in bed together, watch TV and talk was anything but. She was in a "mood" pretty much all day. She wanted to blab on and on about every little thing she was into at the moment but I would literally try to get a word in and was continually given very mean "no one gives AF" to the point where after the 3rd time I didn't take it as a joke. We went out to pick up lunch and on the way back I wanted to take a 5 minute detour to show her some things that I thought she would like but was given a "I don't give AF I just want to go back and eat." Everything I offered to watch that day was shot down but I ended up taking a nap and when I woke up she couldn't stop telling me how cute I looked and liked how I was cuddled up with her. I promised to have a serious talk about us with her which I had planned to do after a new episode of a show I wanted to watch but because she didn't want to watch it she turned over and went to bed, night over.

The next day I went to work and she went home but she riddled me over text about everything we weren't able to talk about. Finally she asked what we were doing and I honestly said we were doing nothing and that I felt we were in reality toxic together. She of course freaked out and wondered where this was all coming from and now is too hurt to talk to me and is beside herself which in turn is making me feel terrible but for as good as I think we could be together I just don't know and every time I've pushed away she's gripped on tighter and I know if I were to commit to her it would make her beyond happy but I have my doubts and at the same time I have regrets.

All in all I don't know what to do. I dont't want to hurt a good person who is head over heels for me but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself buy committing to something I'm not 100% sure about. i know in that sense the answer should be easy but I need some guidance. Thank you for taking time to read this ordeal.

She sounds a bit wacky. That flip-switch after intimacy is bizarre. Google 'coyote morning'. You did the right thing to distance yourself and end this.

OP, you have been unsure about this woman from the start. You say she won't take responsibility for her actions, which may indeed be true, but where is your accountability? You're not that into her, but you suggest she move to your area, invite her for New Year's, spend your birthday with her. What are you thinking, man? You are sending her very mixed messages.

I agree she has disrespected your time on a few occasions, to be clear. I also think she was lashing out because she already knows you don't want anything more with her and she isn't good at expressing her disappointment maturely.

You are right to let this go. Not only has she been rude a few times, but you also know you are not into her the way she is into you.

Honestly, there's no need to feel guilty about turning her down if you feel she's not right for you. You've clearly established that you didn't want to commit while she'd expressed a willingness to commit so at this point I think you'd do both yourselves a favour by ending it. Besides, she sounds like drama.

I think given she had a crush on you and you knew it, you should have cut bait right at the beginning. It's a little bit taking advantage of her feelings by keeping her on the hook as someone you are mildly interested in... whenever a guy does this, women often think there is more going on than there really is.

I realize you were clear with her in the beginning, however it would seem she disregarded what you said and had an expectation that this would turn into a serious relationship with you.

Feel guilty or don't feel guilty but do let her go because she seems to be all over the place and isn't treating you very well.

I think given she had a crush on you and you knew it, you should have cut bait right at the beginning. It's a little bit taking advantage of her feelings by keeping her on the hook as someone you are mildly interested in... whenever a guy does this, women often think there is more going on than there really is.

 

I realize you were clear with her in the beginning, however it would seem she disregarded what you said and had an expectation that this would turn into a serious relationship with you.

 

Feel guilty or don't feel guilty but do let her go because she seems to be all over the place and isn't treating you very well.

I agree with Maew-

You knew you weren’t that into her but kinda kept making promises/suggestions to her - huge ones that ultimately may have swayed her to take one job over another an re-locate to be with you, MAYBE. Nothing in your posts suggests that you are into this woman. I hear, “She digs me and I feel bad breaking up with her.” Well, let the lady go find someone that digs her back. I do think (at least from what it sounds) that you have strung her along when you really weren’t that interested but now here you are and you know it isn’t working so there is only one solution in my mind. End it so you can both find what you want in a partner.