What do YOU think?

I've been wanting a new job but my bf said im selfish and I don't care about him because I didn't think of him and tell him about it before I started looking at new jobs, like if I have to wake up earlier to take the bus I'll wake him up or if he has to drive me there it'll be harder for him, so he wants me to talk to him first before applying to any jobs or getting a new job but this makes me feel controlled... cuz I can't do what I want and I have to pass It thru him first? Doesn't seem right to me, the way I think would be right is to find a job talk to him about it, go for an interview and if I really want it I'll figure out a way to get there and maybe ask him if he could help out and if not I'll get there on my own. I applied for another job today, I told him after I applied and he got super mad because I didn't tell him first, I did forget and he got mad and said a bunch of hurtful stuff like I don't care about him an im selfish and im bad because I didn't tell him again. I tend to forget things sometimes not sure why! I feel like he overeacted alot, wish we could of talked to me just nicely.... I told him that I would get a car that way I can get there on my own, well he said that's a big desicion and I should talk to him about it first and I told him that it's my car and ill pay for it, I want my own car and he got mad and said that's our desision not just yours. Is this normal behavior ? Ive always been independent. He said he didn't want me to wake him up early by taking the bus so I told him I wouldn't and get a car so that's trying to compromise to make him happy right? I just really want this new job and wish he would just support me nomatter what and not make me feel like about wanting a new job or a new car and keep telling me I don't care about him because I want to make this decision... I think I like doing my own thing sometimes in relationships and if I seem like I can't I feel trapped and controlled. If it was me I would be glad to do anything to help him and I would be happy to see him be happy, I would NEVER make it about me and steal his light, isn't that how it should be?

Thanks everyone!!

Wow and yikes. You are correct that your bf is extremely controlling and completely out of line. He is accusing you of what he actually is himself - selfish control freak who doesn't care. He has no right to dictate to you where you work or whether or not you buy a car. You are right that he should be supportive, but he isn't, because you having your own car means more freedom for you and less ability for him to control you. Do yourself a huge favor and get away from this guy. What he is displaying are signs of future abuse even if it's only mental and emotional. Yes, I'm sure he can be very nice at times and that's why you like him, but......the bad sides that you've described are dangerous and a big warning for you to get out of this while you still can. You are totally right that your partner should strive to see you happy, not rage at you and how you might inconvenience his highness because you have to get up a bit earlier than him. You are also not a child and he isn't your daddy, but he is treating you like that. Not healthy at all.

Are you living in his house or financially dependent on him? Why do your finances, purchases and job choices have to go through him? Obviously abusers like this do not want to see signs of independence or new jobs, cars, etc.

You should start severing all your finances. You need to change ALL your passwords. And get rid of any shared bank accounts, credit cards, accounts even innocuous ones, etc.

Start having important mail sent to a trusted friend/relative's home. Start telling friends/family the truth about this abusive situation. Start looking for a place to move to or discuss staying with trusted friends/family until you can secure a place. Never discuss anything with him. Simply privately and secretly plan your exit and independence.

if I have to wake up earlier to take the bus I'll wake him up or if he has to drive me there it'll be harder for him.I told him that I would get a car that way I can get there on my own, well he said that's a big desicion and I should talk to him about it first and I told him that it's my car and ill pay for it, I want my own car and he got mad and said that's our desision not just yours.

No, it's not his decision like that and if you have to get up earlier you will be quiet and you need to take care of your own transportation to and from work -do not depend on him or ask him. Yes my decision to return to work after being at home with our son was a marital decision - because it meant we would need more child care, would change our housekeeping responsibilities, etc. and, frankly, because we are married so there's a financial decision too (meaning extra $ is nice but you have to figure out if other costs will increase if you have other responsibilities). I think your boyfriend has gone beyond what is appropriate and in this case I would put my job/career/income first -ahead of him - because he is not being reasonable and you two are not married and do not have children/dependents. But also find your own way to work. I remember one of my friends assumed my husband would drive me to work every day and it never ever occurred to me to ask him -I take the train, it's a pain sometimes but it's my job and my responsibility to get there and back (and traffic is awful anyway).

Figure out why you've been tolerating the role you have in this relationship, too.

So it starts with him "having the right" to decide where you work. Then he'll decide your friends are trashy and you shouldn't hang out with them because they're "bad influences". And if you go to a local coffee house with them, they'll convince you to go to a club where men might hit on you! He trusts YOU but not your friends and/or other men, so it's best you just don't see them. Next it'll be your family, because they don't respect you/don't treat you well/are trashy/take advantage of you and he thinks they secretly don't like him! Then he'll decide you shouldn't work at all, because your boss doesn't treat you properly and the men there are all plotting to hit on you (he knows how men are!!!) and he just loves you so much he wants to "take care" of you. And finally, he'll take away your online access because men might message you and try to steal you away!

And before you know it, your world will be the size of a shoebox, with only you and him inside.

Oh, but HE will be allowed to see friends and family and go online and go to work.

Please, stop this now. Before time goes by and you wonder how you got where you are.

kind of sounds like you know the answers to your questions already. You know what your BF doing is wrong and you know that you don't want to be controlled, are you just afraid of what you have to do?