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Am I overthinking this?


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I have gone back and forth about whether to even ask this silly question because really no one can speculate but I would appreciate hearing your perspectives.

 

I’m a lesbian. I recently started taking a class and the instructor is great! I love her classes. We are both teachers also. We have had quiet a few short conversations after class and I typically take the class with a couple of other friends that also happen to be gay and so the instructor knows I’m gay. We all thought she was gay also but she mentioned something about her husband in a conversation and so that was that. No big deal. Then last Friday, I walked out with her and we chatted for like half an hour after class and had some fun and she mentioned that her she and husband are actually separated. She said that we should exchange numbers and hang out sometime because it’s hard to make friends around here. I agreed. Then, I left town for the weekend we didn’t talk but it was her bday the other day so I text her happy bday that morning and that I would see her in class that evening. She text back at the end of the day and I replied but she didn’t reply. Then after class, she left abruptly and said goodbye to me in a way that you say goodbye to someone when you want them to NOT talk to you afterward. I mean, hell, I can take a hint. We haven’t spoken or text since. So, part of me is always like, okay, did something happen that I don’t know about? Did she give me her number and then freak out about it? Is she scared that I’m gay and that perhaps I will hit on her? I mean, we both established that we aren’t interested in dating and so I can’t imagine that it would be that. Or am I just overthinking it and perhaps none of this has to do with me?

 

Thanks!!

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More likely she remembered her position and the fact that fraternizing with her students is completely unprofessional and off limits, especially current students taking her class right now. Seems like she remembered that barely in time too. Sounds like she might be at a low point in her life and she was likely honest that she is looking for friends, it's just that she can't pal around with her existing students. It's not ethical.

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it was her bday the other day so I text her happy bday that morning and that I would see her in class that evening. She text back at the end of the day and I replied but she didn’t reply.

 

What did you say in your messages, exactly?

 

Perhaps it was something in the content. Or perhaps her abruptness has nothing to do with you at all and she has other things on her mind.

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What did you say in your messages, exactly?

 

Perhaps it was something in the content. Or perhaps her abruptness has nothing to do with you at all and she has other things on her mind.

 

My messages were totally friendly. Happy Birthday. I hope I can make it to class tonight but I have a meeting. Then she responded and said she hopes I can make it to her Friday class if not tonight. I responded and said, nothing could keep my from Friday class as it’s my favorite and I joked that I heard one of the songs from our class while out of town and started dancing in the store. That was it.

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You both had different expectations. As you are explaining the scenario, you seemed to have some interest in her outside of just a friendship. You wouldn't have mentioned her orientation, had you not.

She picked up on it and squashed it.

Sorry.

 

Ummm... I have done and said nothing that would give her that idea. And she is the one that asked for my number on Friday. And then we had no conversation between Friday and Monday so what would she have picked up on again?

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Sorry, but still unethical. It's still a professional situation and fraternizing with students might be against her work policies and even personal policies. Literally case in point - things can get very awkward very fast.

 

Perhaps. And truth be told, I am okay not hanging out also. I just kind of didn’t get why she asked for my number and then seemed to not want to talk to me. It was all very weird. I am an extrovert. Very open, friendly, etc. I think she is an introvert. I guess I just would hate for someone to be afraid to hang out with me because they think I would have a boundary issue which I wouldn’t.

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I picked up on it. Why wouldn't she?

 

Yes, but I explained the situation thoroughly here and in far more detail than we have ever interacted. So, okay, just to play devil’s advocate, let’s say you’re right. That isn’t what I wanted to communicate to her, however. I don’t want to date her!! But let’s say she is unsure of my intentions and so she has backed off. What would you suggest I do? I guess I feel that just not contacting her would be the best way to go at this point. Then she will get that I’m not trying to pursue her if she even thinks that.

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Perhaps. And truth be told, I am okay not hanging out also. I just kind of didn’t get why she asked for my number and then seemed to not want to talk to me. It was all very weird. I am an extrovert. Very open, friendly, etc. I think she isn’t. I guess I just would hate for someone to be afraid to hang out with me because they think I would have a boundary issue which I wouldn’t.

 

People change their minds, get shy, life happens, etc, etc, etc. 99.999999999% of the time, it has nothing to do with you, so don't take these kinds of things so personally.

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People change their minds, get shy, life happens, etc, etc, etc. 99.999999999% of the time, it has nothing to do with you, so don't take these kinds of things so personally.

 

Thank you. I think it’s probably that. I will just try to let it go and if she wants to hang out, she can contact me. If not, that’s fine.

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Yes, but I explained the situation thoroughly here and in far more detail than we have ever interacted. So, okay, just to play devil’s advocate, let’s say you’re right. That isn’t what I wanted to communicate to her, however. I don’t want to date her!! But let’s say she is unsure of my intentions and so she has backed off. What would you suggest I do? I guess I feel that just not contacting her would be the best way to go at this point. Then she will get that I’m not trying to pursue her if she even thinks that.

 

Why are you soooo invested in this? You hardly know the woman, you aren't friends....so who cares? I mean you exchanged numbers and wished her a happy b-day. Bid deal.

 

Look, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to point out how utterly trivial your connection is at this point and yet here you are losing your mind and analyzing something that shouldn't even be a blip on your radar.

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My messages were totally friendly. Happy Birthday. I hope I can make it to class tonight but I have a meeting. Then she responded and said she hopes I can make it to her Friday class if not tonight. I responded and said, nothing could keep my from Friday class as it’s my favorite and I joked that I heard one of the songs from our class while out of town and started dancing in the store. That was it.

 

There was really nothing more to respond to, in my opinion. It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative that she didn't keep the conversation going; you might have just caught her at a busy time.

 

The same with her quick goodbye.

 

But, as DancingFool pointed out, she might not be okay with fraternizing with students outside class. Perhaps she though it would be fine, but she's had second thoughts. Or maybe there is indeed a professional policy in place at the gym. Don't be so quick to assume there isn't and that it wouldn't be considered unethical, for reasons different from what you imagine

 

I teach adults in a private, continuing education setting. It is not actually a college or university. We are strictly prohibited in our contracts from fraternizing with students. Why? Because our school wants to make sure we don't "poach" students and offer them private session, thus essentially stealing business. My previous school did, too. A dear friend of mine is a personal trainer, and her gym abides by the same policy. Many adult rec./ed.-oriented businesses have such guidelines for staff. They don't care so much about personal relationships between staff and students as they do the potential for losing money to private coaching/tutoring/training. Now, does that mean that all staff adhere to this policy? No, I know many who flout it and just hope they don't get caught. I prefer to err on the side of caution and not develop friendships with my students, no matter how lovely they are. It could cost me my job.

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Why are you soooo invested in this? You hardly know the woman, you aren't friends....so who cares? I mean you exchanged numbers and wished her a happy b-day. Bid deal.

 

Look, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to point out how utterly trivial your connection is at this point and yet here you are losing your mind and analyzing something that shouldn't even be a blip on your radar.

 

Ha! I agree and that is what I needed to hear, thank you. I think it has little to do with her and more to do with this being a trigger for me that I need to work on. I always try to be kind, respectful and appropriate but when I connect with someone new, I do tend to get very excited because my social life tends to be (my choice) quite small. I know hundreds of people but don’t have a lot of very fun connections with like-minded folks. That is why I was excited to meet her. I guess I always worry that my enthusiasm will be taken as something more, but what I would like to do is just keep being myself and if that isn’t okay with someone then okay. They aren’t meant to be my friend I guess.

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There was really nothing more to respond to, in my opinion. It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative that she didn't keep the conversation going; you might have just caught her at a busy time.

 

The same with her quick goodbye.

 

But, as DancingFool pointed out, she might not be okay with fraternizing with students outside class. Perhaps she though it would be fine, but she's had second thoughts. Or maybe there is indeed a professional policy in place at the gym. Don't be so quick to assume there isn't and that it wouldn't be considered unethical, for reasons different from what you imagine

 

I teach adults in a private, continuing education setting. It is not actually a college or university. We are strictly prohibited in our contracts from fraternizing with students. Why? Because our school wants to make sure we don't "poach" students and offer them private session, thus essentially stealing business. My previous school did, too. A dear friend of mine is a personal trainer, and her gym abides by the same policy. Many adult rec./ed.-oriented businesses have such guidelines for staff. They don't care so much about personal relationships between staff and students as they do the potential for losing money to private coaching/tutoring/training. Now, does that mean that all staff adhere to this policy? No, I know many who flout it and just hope they don't get caught. I prefer to err on the side of caution and not develop friendships with my students, no matter how lovely they are. It could cost me my job.

 

Thank you, Miss Canuck. This is helpful. I am also a teacher of adults and I have a million boundaries with all of my students. Thanks!

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Ha! I agree and that is what I needed to hear, thank you. I think it has little to do with her and more to do with this being a trigger for me that I need to work on. I always try to be kind, respectful and appropriate but when I connect with someone new, I do tend to get very excited because my social life tends to be (my choice) quite small. I know hundreds of people but don’t have a lot of very fun connections with like-minded folks. That is why I was excited to meet her. I guess I always worry that my enthusiasm will be taken as something more, but what I would like to do is just keep being myself and if that isn’t okay with someone then okay. They aren’t meant to be my friend I guess.

 

Eh, why not moderate that a little bit? I mean once we are adults, building new friendships takes a whole lot longer. Life, other priorities, all kinds of things get in the way. My mileage at least is that it's more slow and uneven going.

 

It seems like she snubbed you and maybe she did and maybe she just had other life problems going on. At this point, the ball is in her court if she wants to put in the effort to build a friendship or not. In your shoes, I'd just relax and leave her to it and respond only if she picks up the ball again. If she doesn't, like I said, don't take it personally because it likely isn't.

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Eh, why not moderate that a little bit? I mean once we are adults, building new friendships takes a whole lot longer. Life, other priorities, all kinds of things get in the way. My mileage at least is that it's more slow and uneven going.

 

It seems like she snubbed you and maybe she did and maybe she just had other life problems going on. At this point, the ball is in her court if she wants to put in the effort to build a friendship or not. In your shoes, I'd just relax and leave her to it and respond only if she picks up the ball again. If she doesn't, like I said, don't take it personally because it likely isn't.

 

Thank you, Dancing Fool!! I really appreciate it!!

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It could even have to do with something else completely. For instance, she could have found out that her friend's dog is sick and she has to help them take the dog to the vet... or she's stressed that her car is breaking down... or or or or. I know for me, when I'm stressed about something...it's hard for me to communicate with people because I can't get outside of my head for a while. So it could be as simple as that.

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It could even have to do with something else completely. For instance, she could have found out that her friend's dog is sick and she has to help them take the dog to the vet... or she's stressed that her car is breaking down... or or or or. I know for me, when I'm stressed about something...it's hard for me to communicate with people because I can't get outside of my head for a while. So it could be as simple as that.

 

Thank you, LC8328!!! That is really helpful and very true.

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IOr am I just overthinking it and perhaps none of this has to do with me?

 

Here's another possibility. You are an extrovert, and it is your natural disposition to be friendly. But more introverted people can misinterpret or question that friendliness because it doesn't come as naturally to them.

 

For example, there's a guy at my job who likes to stop by my desk to chat. A lot. I (being more introverted) don't make a whole lot of effort to engage other people unless there is some attraction involved. So, when this guy sort of bombed me with all of this attention, I thought, "Oh no. This guy likes me." You wouldn't believe the stress it caused me. Whenever I thought he was going to approach my desk, I'd get up and find somewhere else to be.

 

It was really stupid.

 

BUT I got over it. I calmed myself down, talked myself off the ledge. I no longer think this guy is after me. I actually really like him now.

 

I'd like to say that this change in my mentality was due to my rational mind overtaking the reactive side of my brain. But, to be honest, it helped to find out that he was engaged.

 

I'm this ridiculous with women, too. In fact, there's a girl at my job who is super friendly and social. She comes by my desk all the time just to say "hi" and ask how I am. And I chitchat, but the whole time I'm thinking, "Who cares how I am?? Why is this girl always asking me how I am??? Is she hitting on me????"

 

It's really stupid. But the point is, my ridiculous responses have nothing to do with the people who are being nice to me. I just have weird hang ups and can't cope properly sometimes. But I am aware, and I do get over it.

 

I think if you give your friend some time and space, she will get over whatever it is, too.

 

One other thing.... Add me to the list of people who got the impression that you had a romantic interest in your instructor. After your exchange with Reinvent, I had to go back and re-read your first post to figure out why. I think it's the fact that your opening statement was, "I'm a lesbian," which has nothing to do with anything but sexual preference. So, from there, I assumed you had a romantic interest in your instructor. Then there was the "she's not gay, she has a husband....but they're separated!" Then you closed with "Is it because I'm gay?"

 

Even though you didn't say outright that you are interested in this woman, perhaps that sentiment shone through and drove her off a bit.

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Here's another possibility. You are an extrovert, and it is your natural disposition to be friendly. But more introverted people can misinterpret or question that friendliness because it doesn't come as naturally to them.

 

For example, there's a guy at my job who likes to stop by my desk to chat. A lot. I (being more introverted) don't make a whole lot of effort to engage other people unless there is some attraction involved. So, when this guy sort of bombed me with all of this attention, I thought, "Oh no. This guy likes me." You wouldn't believe the stress it caused me. Whenever I thought he was going to approach my desk, I'd get up and find somewhere else to be.

 

It was really stupid.

 

BUT I got over it. I calmed myself down, talked myself off the ledge. I no longer think this guy is after me. I actually really like him now.

 

I'd like to say that this change in my mentality was due to my rational mind overtaking the reactive side of my brain. But, to be honest, it helped to find out that he was engaged.

 

I'm this ridiculous with women, too. In fact, there's a girl at my job who is super friendly and social. She comes by my desk all the time just to say "hi" and ask how I am. And I chitchat, but the whole time I'm thinking, "Who cares how I am?? Why is this girl always asking me how I am??? Is she hitting on me????"

 

It's really stupid. But the point is, my ridiculous responses have nothing to do with the people who are being nice to me. I just have weird hang ups and can't cope properly sometimes. But I am aware, and I do get over it.

 

I think if you give your friend some time and space, she will get over whatever it is, too.

 

One other thing.... Add me to the list of people who got the impression that you had a romantic interest in your instructor. After your exchange with Reinvent, I had to go back and re-read your first post to figure out why. I think it's the fact that your opening statement was, "I'm a lesbian," which has nothing to do with anything but sexual preference. So, from there, I assumed you had a romantic interest in your instructor. Then there was the "she's not gay, she has a husband....but they're separated!" Then you closed with "Is it because I'm gay?"

 

Even though you didn't say outright that you are interested in this woman, perhaps that sentiment shone through and drove her off a bit.

 

Thank you, Jibralta!! All great points!!! Yes, I can see how it seemed like I was after her. I won’t lie. I find her attractive but the details I was giving were more to lay the foundation of the fact that I wondered if I freaked her out because she knows that I’m gay. Then again, someone that I freaked out wouldn’t be like, “My husband and I are separated and hey, let’s hang out!” So I didn’t get the impression that she was weirded out until after class on Monday but again, I could be making that up. You are totally right about the introvert/extrovert thing. I don’t tend to rub introverts the wrong way that I know of but I think you are spot on with just giving her space. I think that is the total solution as space will reassure her that I am NOT after her if that is what she is thinking which, again, I have NO IDEA if she is! I loved your stories by the way of thinking people are hitting on you. I can totally see how you would think that. Frankly, even I, as an extrovert, would think that too. I have class with her on Friday and I think I will just say a quick goodbye rather than try to chat her up.

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Yes, but I explained the situation thoroughly here and in far more detail than we have ever interacted. So, okay, just to play devil’s advocate, let’s say you’re right. That isn’t what I wanted to communicate to her, however. I don’t want to date her!! But let’s say she is unsure of my intentions and so she has backed off. What would you suggest I do? I guess I feel that just not contacting her would be the best way to go at this point. Then she will get that I’m not trying to pursue her if she even thinks that.

 

Are you sure about that?

 

That's not how your posts here read, anyway.

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I don’t tend to rub introverts the wrong way that I know of but I think you are spot on with just giving her space.

 

I don't necessarily think you rub introverts the wrong way. We just react differently to attention and there may be a slight 'pulling away' period, especially as we get closer to people. So, it may not actually be all gloom and doom. Just readjustment.

 

Similarly, the fact that you find her somewhat attractive may be making you more sensitive to this behavior. Under ordinary circumstances, where you are not attracted to someone but simply like them, you might not pick up on it at all.

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