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Thread: Am I overthinking this?

  1. #11
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I picked up on it. Why wouldn't she?
    Yes, but I explained the situation thoroughly here and in far more detail than we have ever interacted. So, okay, just to play devilís advocate, letís say youíre right. That isnít what I wanted to communicate to her, however. I donít want to date her!! But letís say she is unsure of my intentions and so she has backed off. What would you suggest I do? I guess I feel that just not contacting her would be the best way to go at this point. Then she will get that Iím not trying to pursue her if she even thinks that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Perhaps. And truth be told, I am okay not hanging out also. I just kind of didnít get why she asked for my number and then seemed to not want to talk to me. It was all very weird. I am an extrovert. Very open, friendly, etc. I think she isnít. I guess I just would hate for someone to be afraid to hang out with me because they think I would have a boundary issue which I wouldnít.
    People change their minds, get shy, life happens, etc, etc, etc. 99.999999999% of the time, it has nothing to do with you, so don't take these kinds of things so personally.

  3. #13
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    People change their minds, get shy, life happens, etc, etc, etc. 99.999999999% of the time, it has nothing to do with you, so don't take these kinds of things so personally.
    Thank you. I think itís probably that. I will just try to let it go and if she wants to hang out, she can contact me. If not, thatís fine.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Yes, but I explained the situation thoroughly here and in far more detail than we have ever interacted. So, okay, just to play devilís advocate, letís say youíre right. That isnít what I wanted to communicate to her, however. I donít want to date her!! But letís say she is unsure of my intentions and so she has backed off. What would you suggest I do? I guess I feel that just not contacting her would be the best way to go at this point. Then she will get that Iím not trying to pursue her if she even thinks that.
    Why are you soooo invested in this? You hardly know the woman, you aren't friends....so who cares? I mean you exchanged numbers and wished her a happy b-day. Bid deal.

    Look, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to point out how utterly trivial your connection is at this point and yet here you are losing your mind and analyzing something that shouldn't even be a blip on your radar.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    My messages were totally friendly. Happy Birthday. I hope I can make it to class tonight but I have a meeting. Then she responded and said she hopes I can make it to her Friday class if not tonight. I responded and said, nothing could keep my from Friday class as itís my favorite and I joked that I heard one of the songs from our class while out of town and started dancing in the store. That was it.
    There was really nothing more to respond to, in my opinion. It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative that she didn't keep the conversation going; you might have just caught her at a busy time.

    The same with her quick goodbye.

    But, as DancingFool pointed out, she might not be okay with fraternizing with students outside class. Perhaps she though it would be fine, but she's had second thoughts. Or maybe there is indeed a professional policy in place at the gym. Don't be so quick to assume there isn't and that it wouldn't be considered unethical, for reasons different from what you imagine

    I teach adults in a private, continuing education setting. It is not actually a college or university. We are strictly prohibited in our contracts from fraternizing with students. Why? Because our school wants to make sure we don't "poach" students and offer them private session, thus essentially stealing business. My previous school did, too. A dear friend of mine is a personal trainer, and her gym abides by the same policy. Many adult rec./ed.-oriented businesses have such guidelines for staff. They don't care so much about personal relationships between staff and students as they do the potential for losing money to private coaching/tutoring/training. Now, does that mean that all staff adhere to this policy? No, I know many who flout it and just hope they don't get caught. I prefer to err on the side of caution and not develop friendships with my students, no matter how lovely they are. It could cost me my job.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Why are you soooo invested in this? You hardly know the woman, you aren't friends....so who cares? I mean you exchanged numbers and wished her a happy b-day. Bid deal.

    Look, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to point out how utterly trivial your connection is at this point and yet here you are losing your mind and analyzing something that shouldn't even be a blip on your radar.
    Ha! I agree and that is what I needed to hear, thank you. I think it has little to do with her and more to do with this being a trigger for me that I need to work on. I always try to be kind, respectful and appropriate but when I connect with someone new, I do tend to get very excited because my social life tends to be (my choice) quite small. I know hundreds of people but donít have a lot of very fun connections with like-minded folks. That is why I was excited to meet her. I guess I always worry that my enthusiasm will be taken as something more, but what I would like to do is just keep being myself and if that isnít okay with someone then okay. They arenít meant to be my friend I guess.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    There was really nothing more to respond to, in my opinion. It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative that she didn't keep the conversation going; you might have just caught her at a busy time.

    The same with her quick goodbye.

    But, as DancingFool pointed out, she might not be okay with fraternizing with students outside class. Perhaps she though it would be fine, but she's had second thoughts. Or maybe there is indeed a professional policy in place at the gym. Don't be so quick to assume there isn't and that it wouldn't be considered unethical, for reasons different from what you imagine

    I teach adults in a private, continuing education setting. It is not actually a college or university. We are strictly prohibited in our contracts from fraternizing with students. Why? Because our school wants to make sure we don't "poach" students and offer them private session, thus essentially stealing business. My previous school did, too. A dear friend of mine is a personal trainer, and her gym abides by the same policy. Many adult rec./ed.-oriented businesses have such guidelines for staff. They don't care so much about personal relationships between staff and students as they do the potential for losing money to private coaching/tutoring/training. Now, does that mean that all staff adhere to this policy? No, I know many who flout it and just hope they don't get caught. I prefer to err on the side of caution and not develop friendships with my students, no matter how lovely they are. It could cost me my job.
    Thank you, Miss Canuck. This is helpful. I am also a teacher of adults and I have a million boundaries with all of my students. Thanks!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Ha! I agree and that is what I needed to hear, thank you. I think it has little to do with her and more to do with this being a trigger for me that I need to work on. I always try to be kind, respectful and appropriate but when I connect with someone new, I do tend to get very excited because my social life tends to be (my choice) quite small. I know hundreds of people but donít have a lot of very fun connections with like-minded folks. That is why I was excited to meet her. I guess I always worry that my enthusiasm will be taken as something more, but what I would like to do is just keep being myself and if that isnít okay with someone then okay. They arenít meant to be my friend I guess.
    Eh, why not moderate that a little bit? I mean once we are adults, building new friendships takes a whole lot longer. Life, other priorities, all kinds of things get in the way. My mileage at least is that it's more slow and uneven going.

    It seems like she snubbed you and maybe she did and maybe she just had other life problems going on. At this point, the ball is in her court if she wants to put in the effort to build a friendship or not. In your shoes, I'd just relax and leave her to it and respond only if she picks up the ball again. If she doesn't, like I said, don't take it personally because it likely isn't.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Eh, why not moderate that a little bit? I mean once we are adults, building new friendships takes a whole lot longer. Life, other priorities, all kinds of things get in the way. My mileage at least is that it's more slow and uneven going.

    It seems like she snubbed you and maybe she did and maybe she just had other life problems going on. At this point, the ball is in her court if she wants to put in the effort to build a friendship or not. In your shoes, I'd just relax and leave her to it and respond only if she picks up the ball again. If she doesn't, like I said, don't take it personally because it likely isn't.
    Thank you, Dancing Fool!! I really appreciate it!!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    It could even have to do with something else completely. For instance, she could have found out that her friend's dog is sick and she has to help them take the dog to the vet... or she's stressed that her car is breaking down... or or or or. I know for me, when I'm stressed about something...it's hard for me to communicate with people because I can't get outside of my head for a while. So it could be as simple as that.

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