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Thread: Done with spouses son

  1. #61
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    This will work if his wife doesn't undermine him yet again.
    In some ways, i think he should tell her he is going to deal with the stepson directly to take the burden off of her
    but in another way, i think he should not because she is just going to undermine him.
    The other possible is if he doesn't tell the wife what he is planning, son will cry to mommy about it and the wife will be pitted against the OP.
    I guess there is no way to really win.
    But maybe there should be consequences if she interfers - such as she understands and is clear about the fact that the timeline moves up if she meddles with it
    That's why I said "without conflict" because the son can so easily divide them.

    OP why doesn't the wife agree? Does changing the locks seem too harsh?

  2. #62
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    If he refuses to work and mom refuses to kick him out, what about telling your wife that she has to quit real estate if its not paying and get an hourly job with a regular paycheck to support sonny boy because you are no longer doing it and you are done.

    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    That's why I said "without conflict" because the son can so easily divide them.

    OP why doesn't the wife agree? Does changing the locks seem too harsh?
    His words:

    ny time I bring my feelings of frustration with my wife she gets upset, doesn't want to talk about it, and reminds me that her parent kicked her out when she was 19, and she vowed never to do that to her kids.

    Because she was kicked out at 19, she won't kick out her son who is in his late 20s and sponging off mom and stepdad (really stepdad because he is the only one with an income)- even though he has already moved out before. It sounds like the OP would be okay if the son was actually contributing financially or had some plan. He should not be expected to support three adults on his income.

  3. #63
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    Where is his biological father in all of this?

  4. #64
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    coming full circle... i think his moves with the son no matter how skillful, and appropriate, may effectively end the marriage. Unless the OP can get the son out while pulling him closer emotionally.

    The wife has made her position clear. The source of her stance is a deep "childhood" pain that she is inappropriately projecting onto her son. Therefore OP's actions to get the son to move out will be perceived as the OP inflicting childhood pain on to her son. That would feel like a violation of trust and of her protective shield as a mother. The pain is so basic within her that it triggers a mama bear type reaction. Wife is stuck there when she really needs a psychoanalyst to reframe her relationship with her father for her.

    Viewed through this Freudian lens, wife chose to marry someone who would repeat her father's act of rejection, so that she can break through her singular understanding of that experience. Except she remains stuck.

    The marriage is stuck on this point. OP needs to take action and he needs to execute in a way that the son sees as supportive, not punitive. From that foundation, OP teaches wife about letting go and remaining lovingly attached - as likely was her father's intention.

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