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Thread: Done with spouses son

  1. #1
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    Done with spouses son

    Hi all. Although I looked to this forum to help me through a tough time of separation and divorce, it's been a long while since I was on here, since up til now I've been in a pretty good place, re-married for the last 7 years. But I'm recently feeling like I'm getting to the end of my rope.
    We both have adult children, mine grown and married with families of their own, her two sons in their mid-20's. One has been through college and is working and living with his dad. The other is 27, has been "in college" (taking classes part-time) for the last 8 years, and living with us off and on, but mostly on. This last time he moved back because the roommate moved in with his girlfriend. He said he would only be with us 6 months, so he could get through his classes and get his job established. He had originally agreed to pay us $150/month board, but that evaporated after the first 3 months.
    It's been 2 years now and he's still here. I have been getting very frustrated with his lack of ambition, his taking freely of our resources, and his general slovenness and lack of respect for our property. For the last 3 or 4 months real estate has been slow and my wife hasn't brought in an income, so we're living solely on my income. Even though my wife has shared the same frustration with him and agrees she's ready for him to go, any time I bring my feelings of frustration with my wife she gets upset, doesn't want to talk about it, and reminds me that her parent kicked her out when she was 19, and she vowed never to do that to her kids.
    I've spoken to the son, and let him know I'm at the end, and that he's overstayed his welcome with me. Of course, my wife won't get behind me on this, so I spend alot of time in silent frustration, sleepless nights and just being quiet.
    Just today I suggested we give the son 2-1/2 months to find his own place and offer to help pay for his first months rent. My wife said no, and that she doesn't want to talk about it.

    I've let her know how frustrated I am, and that I'm getting fed up and at the end of my patience, she acknowledges that it's threatening our relationship but won't actually do anything about it, and won't convey my feelings to him.

    After our "talks" I walk away very frustrated and "shut down". I recognize the same feelings I had that led to the end of my 30 year marriage. Except this time, I'm not as apt to live feeling this way as long as I did the first time. I guess I just need some help sorting through this and coming to a resolution, if just within myself.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well, does she realize that she is abusing her son by enabling his unmotivation and slovenly attitude? By allowing him to stay there and coast on room and board he doesn't have to pay for, she is stagnating him from growing up and being any kind of man that a good woman would want.

    Maybe you ought to frame your discontent with things that way instead of making it about you and how you feel.???

    She has a codependent relationship with her son and she is ruining any chance he may have to grow up and be self-sufficient.

    Below is a link explaining the difference between dysfunctional and healthy "Helping." Your wife is enabling in a very unhealthy way.

    [Register to see the link]

  3. #3
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    There is NO NO NO Need to pay for someone s 27 year old manbaby. Man even my son with a disability pays more for his own keep than that.

    I would stop paying for him period. Let her do it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    There is a saying that helping your child too much is a form of abuse. Strong words but true if you think about it.

    Our role as a parent is to teach children to be responsible, functional and able to take care of themselves. It's a little bit of irony that we want to instill in them the desire to leave. If we've accomplished these things, then we are successful parents

    Enabling your child and providing for them when they are capable of providing for themselves is in fact crippling them.

    A perfect case in point, that your wife is in someway exercising a wrong from her past and believing she can soothe that hurt by allowing her son to schmooze off of you. That's a self serving and not helpful to her son or her marriage to you.

    You either come up with a different approach that she can hear, or tell her that you two need couples counseling to navigate this.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Besides why did her parents owe her a life past 19?

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You really have to separate issues going on here.

    First is that when you take on an SO with children, they are a package deal for better or for worse. In other words, you do have to account for the fact that life happens and things can go sideways for all kinds of reasons and you will need to care take whether you like it or not. If you aren't willing, better date only women without children.

    Second thing is how you are approaching this. You are creating a fight you cannot win. If I said to you, "It's either me or your kids." what would you choose? If you are honest, the answer is a no brainer. You'll choose your children and send me packing. This is what you are pitching to your wife. You have got to take a completely different approach, an opposite approach from what you are doing. Instead of stewing in your frustrations, show some compassion and ask her "how can we help your son become more successful and live a better life, be happier?" If you take that approach, she might open up to ideas that ultimately lead to you getting the life that you want, aka him out of the house. You need to take the same approach with her son. Instead of telling him how you are fed up with him because he is such a louse and a loser, ask what life does he want, how can you help him achieve it. Doubt the son is enjoying this situation either, but I would bet he doesn't see a way out himself. Don't focus on hate and "kicking out", focus more on selling solutions to both of them.

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    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    I would be moving out and telling her that you'll be back when he has found his own place. Once she has to bankroll his laziness the free right might end.

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    I have told her that she is holding him back, and enabling his lifestyle. She admits that, but I think her obligation to right some past wrong in his upbringing holds her back.
    Even today I tried to put it in a positive light, by suggesting giving him a deadline - April 30 - and offering money to end his first months rent. She refused to "do that to him", but I told her giving him a deadline would set a goal for him, as opposed to just putting pressure on him.
    But that's when she gave me the stone wall, leaving me frustrated and withdrawn.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by superfan
    I would be moving out and telling her that you'll be back when he has found his own place. Once she has to bankroll his laziness the free right might end.
    I'm getting to the point that that might be the ultimatum

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by swampyankee
    I have told her that she is holding him back, and enabling his lifestyle. She admits that, but I think her obligation to right some past wrong in his upbringing holds her back.
    Even today I tried to put it in a positive light, by suggesting giving him a deadline - April 30 - and offering money to end his first months rent. She refused to "do that to him", but I told her giving him a deadline would set a goal for him, as opposed to just putting pressure on him.
    But that's when she gave me the stone wall, leaving me frustrated and withdrawn.
    Tell her to stop projecting her own hurt child onto him. I know Im being rough now but she has pretty much made him a useless member of society because of her own hurt inner child . She needs to address this in therapy and stop projecting onto her child . And then she needs to tell him to get a life by a total concrete time and then force him out .

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